[Des]

Face it, folks, the End Times are surely upon us. Earthquakes, Wars, Volcanoes, Gay Marriage. Yes sir, the end is nigh indeed!

We all know what will become of us. We will be Raptured up into God's Joyous Embrace. But what about the Unsaved Scum in our lives? The Postman we have come to like but know has not a snowball's chance in hell of being Raptured? The wayward child, the Primitive Baptist cousin, the liberal Westboro Baptist bowling partner? What shall become of them in the aftermath?

Worry no more, because help is at hand! My startup company, Divine Preparedness Llc has the answer to all their pre-Rapture problems! With this kit, the Unsaved Scum will be provided with weapons, provisions, and the information needed to survive, perhaps even find redemption, in the coming Apocalypse. Included in the kit is a 400 page survival manual covering the following and more:

Where will the anti-Christ appear and how to avoid him.

How to avoid the wild beasts that are killing everyone.

Where to find fresh water after the Wormwood star falls.

Where to shoot the giant locusts to keep them from biting you.

How to avoid the Mark of the Beast.

What to do when all fresh water turns to blood.

What happens after the final battle of Armageddon.

This is but a small sampling of the wealth of information provided within the pack. Armed with this manual (and the armament supplied in the pack!) your favorite Unsaved Scum has the best possible chance of surviving the chaos which will follow the Rapture.

The kit also includes:

Ar-15 rifle & cleaning kit
5,000 rounds .223 ammunition
titanium crowbar
unisex chastity belt (to protect you from ass-ault)
can opener
towel
machete
first aid kit
Longshot 2nd Chance 4 Salvation prayer pamphlet
fire starting tool
compass
gas mask
all-weather sleeping bag
Tribulation event map
tent & camp gear
King James Bible with kevlar cover
portable water filter
magnifying glass
Revelations reference quick-guide
Improvised Munitions handbook
U.S.M.C. wilderness survival guide
Field Guide to Demons, Vampires, Fallen Angels, et al.
Other essential items too numerous to mention!

All this for the low, low price of $100,000! Don't delay due to limited supply and time. Act now and receive a years supply of toilet tissue absolutely free!

[Mary Etheldreda]

I'll pass this along to my mother-in-law.

[Elmer G. White]

I'm so happy as Rapture is approaching. Of course, we'll watch those left behind while chilling with Jesus but your package is a relief to many sinners. I've been reading through your list and as far as I can tell, it is complete, nothing is missing.

Matthew 24:29
Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken:

The image below shows the perils of the Tribulation with admirable accuracy and, indeed, with your product the sinner should survive at least the first blows of God's WRATH!



I'm going to recommend this to my mother who, unfortunately, is basically a harlot.

Yours in Christ,

Elmer