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Default An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-24-2009, 11:58 PM

Brothers, while I am usually not one to beat the drum for secular science research, I feel that THIS latest finding is vitally important. We, as True Christian™ Men, must do our Christian duty to spread the word to the women we care about, to protect their health.

I am so excited about this new research that I have asked the Creation Scientists over at Landover Baptist University to commission a long-term study on this matter here in Freehold. Of course Creation Scientists are much more methodical and careful in their research, so this project will take time. Years perhaps. And no doubt the good folks over at Landover Baptist University will at some point ask for study *volunteers, so I hope that you'll all give it your best shot. I have arranged for the girls enrolled in the Advanced Degree Motherhood Program over at Landover Baptist University.

In order to demonstrate rigid Pastoral endorsement for this important research, I am offering myself as the first **volunteer in the study.

Please, for the sake of the ladies, spread the word, Brothers.



*Stipend paid for male volunteers, of course.

**Pastoral stipend paid, of course.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-25-2009, 06:38 PM

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Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post

In order to demonstrate rigid Pastoral endorsement for this important research, I am offering myself as the first **volunteer in the study.
In the name of Christ -- and for the expansion of knowledge -- I hope this will be a double-blind study which includes one for her and one for you.


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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-25-2009, 08:49 PM

The Bible (KJV1611) certainly speaks clearly and concisely on the matter of spilling seed. This study clearly outlines where women can be useful in fulfilling the commands of our Lord, and with added benefit. This is one more nail in the coffin of evolution, as who could doubt that this is due to intelligent design.

Praise Jesus!


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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-25-2009, 11:53 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Brothers, while I am usually not one to beat the drum for secular science research, I feel that THIS latest finding is vitally important. We, as True Christian™ Men, must do our Christian duty to spread the word to the women we care about, to protect their health.

I am so excited about this new research that I have asked the Creation Scientists over at Landover Baptist University to commission a long-term study on this matter here in Freehold. Of course Creation Scientists are much more methodical and careful in their research, so this project will take time. Years perhaps. And no doubt the good folks over at Landover Baptist University will at some point ask for study *volunteers, so I hope that you'll all give it your best shot. I have arranged for the girls enrolled in the Advanced Degree Motherhood Program over at Landover Baptist University.

In order to demonstrate rigid Pastoral endorsement for this important research, I am offering myself as the first **volunteer in the study.

Please, for the sake of the ladies, spread the word, Brothers.



*Stipend paid for male volunteers, of course.

**Pastoral stipend paid, of course.
I am excited to do the Lord's work. The tasks He assigns us are often very hard, but I am sure I will be a pillar of excellence in this needed research.

Where do I sign up?

Yours in Christ

Brother Lazarus


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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-26-2009, 02:05 AM

Sorry to intrude into the men's forum, Pastor, but if this is a health message for women, shouldn't it be out where the women will see it?


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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-26-2009, 04:48 AM

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Originally Posted by JennyD View Post
Sorry to intrude into the men's forum, Pastor, but if this is a health message for women, shouldn't it be out where the women will see it?
I think I posted it out there. I believe several of us, in the spirit of helping women, posted it.


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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-26-2009, 10:28 AM

I'm blushing of course, but Mr. Roberts has insisted on this specific activity for years. Praise the Lord, I'm still cancer free! It must work!


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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-27-2009, 01:09 AM

It is interesting to note that there was a discussion evolving on another thread about lip enhancement among women. This trend is directly tied to this new theory about fellatio being a preventative of breast cancer in women. Thank you to Pastor Ezekiel for informing us!

I have engaged in extensive research into sexual deviancy so that you my fellow True Christians don't have to. What is happening is that women are enhancing their lips with Botox so as to tempt men to engage in fellatio. The lips are enhanced to resemble the female genital labia so the poor man can't be sure where his tallywhacker is going! Harlots are seducing men into contributing their seed so that these whores might prevent their own cancer.

Further research into the preventative effects of male ejaculate is of course necessary, but I think we men should be on the lookout for Botox enhanced lips so that we are not seduced into unGodly contributions to a Harlot's health.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus


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Last edited by Brother Lazarus; 02-27-2009 at 01:10 AM. Reason: grammar?
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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-28-2009, 03:24 AM

What about cunnilingus?
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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-28-2009, 04:21 AM

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Originally Posted by WhySoCentrist View Post
What about cunnilingus?
Have you seen a study suggesting that it helps prevent breast cancer?

Because I thought lesbians and nuns (I think one is a subset of the other, but forget which) had unusually high rates of breast cancer.


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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-28-2009, 04:22 AM

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Originally Posted by WhySoCentrist View Post
What about cunnilingus?
Friend,

In your reply to your request do delete your comment here as I have said before leave comedy to the comedians. We are trying to run a decent Christian forum.



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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-28-2009, 04:30 AM

Oh, that's not what I meant. I was just asking because the subject was fellatio, which has a counterpart: cunnilingus. I don't actually know anything about it, so I thought I would ask.
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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-28-2009, 04:39 AM

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Originally Posted by WhySoCentrist View Post
Oh, that's not what I meant. I was just asking because the subject was fellatio, which has a counterpart: cunnilingus. I don't actually know anything about it, so I thought I would ask.
And why do you think I would know about cunnilingus friend? I am not a homosexual. This is a rather inappropriate line of discussion for a Christian forum friend.



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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-28-2009, 05:42 AM

FELLATIO IS THE EXACT SAME THING. It's all oral sex! What's the difference? If you say something about fellatio being a woman serving a man, I want you to know that's ridiculous. Why are women supposed to avoid orgasms? What's the big deal?
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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-28-2009, 05:45 AM

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FELLATIO IS THE EXACT SAME THING. It's all oral sex! What's the difference? If you say something about fellatio being a woman serving a man, I want you to know that's ridiculous. Why are women supposed to avoid orgasms? What's the big deal?
What is there to avoid friend? Female orgasm is a lie perpetuated by the feminist and their anti-family agenda.

I though you said you are a Christian? If so I am sure you Pastor has explained all these things to you.



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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-28-2009, 04:21 PM

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What is there to avoid friend? Female orgasm is a lie perpetuated by the feminist and their anti-family agenda.
Okay, friend. Then why does the "Landover Baptist University" offer classes for motherhood, one of which is "Early Baptist Sexuality" - it's curriculum includes how to avoid an orgasm. What now??? Owned.
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Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 02-28-2009, 04:25 PM

Do you know a woman who has had an orgasm? I don't. They don't have them. What would be the point? They can reproduce without them.


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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thatguy thatguy is offline
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Posts: 45
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thatguy is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: An Important Health Message for all Women! - 03-05-2009, 02:46 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Lazarus View Post
I am excited to do the Lord's work. The tasks He assigns us are often very hard, but I am sure I will be a pillar of excellence in this needed research.

Where do I sign up?

Yours in Christ

Brother Lazarus
Indeed, it's hard to accept a blow job. I feel for you.
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