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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,554
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-18-2007, 07:32 PM
Friend,
Are you looking to get close to Christ but just can’t? Is there something holding you back from accepting Jesus as your personal savior? Well maybe it is time for you to experience a Landover Spiritual Intervention.
In a Landover Spiritual Intervention one of our Landover TRUE Christian Salvation Councilors will come directly to your home and teach you to open your heart to Jesus. Their years of experience with driving the Satan out of sinners will give you a spiritual Covering that is guaranteed to last a lifetime or your money back! With the Landover’s patened AOT(All Options On The Table) method of Ministry only Landover can brag of a 100% success rate.
That is right 100% success rate! All of our clients have said “Save me Jesus” by the time we are done with them.
Sounds good to you?
Well here is what you need to do; send $5,000 USD, your home address, phone number and a round trip air ticket for one from Des Moines, Iowa to the nearest major airport to were you live to Landover Baptist Church, Freehold Iowa. Once your request is confirmed by the Church Reservations Office you merely need to supply a box of surgical gloves, large plastic tie wraps, 40 feet of nylon rope, one gallon of gasoline and two wooden baseball bats. Landover will do the rest!
So put your order in now. The End maybe near and Guaranteed Salvation is only a phone call away. That is 1-800-I-LUV-JESUS to begin your journey to Christ.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
Hot Must ReadThreads!
Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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Apostle of the North
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Posts: 11,908
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: On a mission to bring Christianity to the North
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-19-2007, 01:07 PM
That's a migthy Christian thing you are doing there, Bobby-Joe. Now that the sinners have received the challenge, they'll be totally bereft of excuses, once they are standing before Jesus' throne and He asks them why they haven't followed His unmistakable commands (KJV1611).
One thing puzzles me though: The sinners are told so send, quote, a round trip air ticket for one, unquote. Does that mean that you guys in the security detail are doing this alone - without the supervision of a True Christian™ pastor?
1st Corinthians 15:16 For if the dead rise not, then is not Christ raised:
1st Corinthians 15:17 And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins.
1st Corinthians 15:18 Then they also which are fallen asleep in Christ are perished.
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,554
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-19-2007, 05:22 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prune Danish
That's a migthy Christian thing you are doing there, Bobby-Joe. Now that the sinners have received the challenge, they'll be totally bereft of excuses, once they are standing before Jesus' throne and He asks them why they haven't followed His unmistakable commands (KJV1611).
One thing puzzles me though: The sinners are told so send, quote, a round trip air ticket for one, unquote. Does that mean that you guys in the security detail are doing this alone - without the supervision of a True Christian™ pastor?
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Excellent question Brother Prune and I am glad you brought that up; with our DoF approved prayer positions we are positive that any single pastor can handle the most rambunctious of demons in a repenting sinner. So effective are this prayer positions that more than a few repentants have begged for Christ’s mercy just after the first time they were allowed to breath!
Let us take a peak at some of our TRUE Christian Salvation Councilors and you will see why they want to battle Satan one on one.
Pastor Billy Schulz. Pastor Billy, graduate of the Landover Christian University is a pioneer in the new field of rectal demonic possession. Using his own Holy Ghost Coloniscope Pastor Billy ferrets out this minions of the Dark One from the Repentant’s own lower intestine. Pastor Billy’s motto is “let the crooked way be made strait for the Lord“.
Pastor Wesley Miller. Pastor Wes came to Jesus while serving a ten year sentence in the Iowa State Prison system thanks to the help of the Landover High Risk Prisoner Missionary Program. So enthusiastic was Wes’ passion for the Lord that Landover successfully petitioned the Governor of Iowa to get Wes’ pardon. Now Pastor Wes can be in your own home sharing Pastor Wes’ love for Christ with you!
Pastor Jim “The Apostle” Teshman. Pastor Jim was a member of the special forces fighting Satan and Al Quida in Afghanistan before a head combat injuries forced his discharged from the military. Now dedicated to living his life fully in the imitation of Christ, Pastor Jim combines his exhaustive biblical knowledge with his extensive combat training. “Never let the devil see you coming” is Pastor Jim’s motto so let yourself be the target of one of Pastor Jim’s Lamb of God Surprise Attacks.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
Hot Must ReadThreads!
Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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Apostle of the North
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Posts: 11,908
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: On a mission to bring Christianity to the North
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-19-2007, 11:23 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe
Excellent question Brother Prune and I am glad you brought that up; with our DoF approved prayer positions we are positive that any single pastor can handle the most rambunctious of demons in a repenting sinner. So effective are this prayer positions that more than a few repentants have begged for Christ’s mercy just after the first time they were allowed to breath!
Let us take a peak at some of our TRUE Christian Salvation Councilors and you will see why they want to battle Satan one on one.
Pastor Billy Schulz. Pastor Billy, graduate of the Landover Christian University is a pioneer in the new field of rectal demonic possession. Using his own Holy Ghost Coloniscope Pastor Billy ferrets out this minions of the Dark One from the Repentant’s own lower intestine. Pastor Billy’s motto is “let the crooked way be made strait for the Lord“.
Pastor Wesley Miller. Pastor Wes came to Jesus while serving a ten year sentence in the Iowa State Prison system thanks to the help of the Landover High Risk Prisoner Missionary Program. So enthusiastic was Wes’ passion for the Lord that Landover successfully petitioned the Governor of Iowa to get Wes’ pardon. Now Pastor Wes can be in your own home sharing Pastor Wes’ love for Christ with you!
Pastor Jim “The Apostle” Teshman. Pastor Jim was a member of the special forces fighting Satan and Al Quida in Afghanistan before a head combat injuries forced his discharged from the military. Now dedicated to living his life fully in the imitation of Christ, Pastor Jim combines his exhaustive biblical knowledge with his extensive combat training. “Never let the devil see you coming” is Pastor Jim’s motto so let yourself be the target of one of Pastor Jim’s Lamb of God Surprise Attacks.
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I must say you guys have assembled a cracking team there. Miller is the one who's known as "the Cable Guy". Right?
I'm glad to see Teshman is back in the States. I always felt he was treated unfairly by the judge. In my opinion the prosecution didn't have a leg to stand on - and neither had any of their witnesses.
All in all it sounds like a terrific deal, Booby-Joe. It almost makes me sad that I'm already eternally saved so I'm unable to take advantage of your offer (just kidding, of course).
1st Corinthians 15:16 For if the dead rise not, then is not Christ raised:
1st Corinthians 15:17 And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins.
1st Corinthians 15:18 Then they also which are fallen asleep in Christ are perished.
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,554
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-20-2007, 05:07 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prune Danish
I must say you guys have assembled a cracking team there. Miller is the one who's known as "the Cable Guy". Right?
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He only used a cable the first two times so that nickname was totally unfair.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prune Danish
I'm glad to see Teshman is back in the States. I always felt he was treated unfairly by the judge. In my opinion the prosecution didn't have a leg to stand on - and neither had any of their witnesses.
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It just shows you the kind of liberal activism that is going on this courts today that they would persecute a war veteran for his simple enthusiasm for Christ.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prune Danish
All in all it sounds like a terrific deal, Booby-Joe. It almost makes me sad that I'm already eternally saved so I'm unable to take advantage of your offer (just kidding, of course).
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Yes Brother Prune, PRAISE Jesus none of us TRUE Christians require this kind of treatment.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
Hot Must ReadThreads!
Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member
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Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-20-2007, 11:55 PM
I think I can speak for many a heathen when I say.....SWEET MERCIFUL CRAWDADS!!!
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,554
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-21-2007, 05:36 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
I think I can speak for many a heathen when I say.....SWEET MERCIFUL CRAWDADS!!!
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What ever is the problem. All we are offering is a simple self improvement service. Perhaps some of our consulars are a tad unconventional but that hardly invalidates the concept.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
Hot Must ReadThreads!
Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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True Christian™
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Posts: 9,361
Join Date: Jan 2007
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-21-2007, 08:50 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe
What ever is the problem. All we are offering is a simple self improvement service. Perhaps some of our consulars are a tad unconventional but that hardly invalidates the concept.
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Amen Pastor BJ, and extremely cost effective. Think what it would cost to go to a sickular book store and buy and read a stack of those namby-pamby "self improvement" books like "Chicken Soup for Jesus". Parents will be clamoring for this service to deal with their demon infested Goth children. It reminds me of the days of the flower carrying "Moonies" that used to hang around airports. A good punch to the face was all that was necessary to de-program them from the effects of Reverend Sun Myung Moon and his Unification Church.
Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
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Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,647
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: South Yorkshire, hotbed of sin
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-21-2007, 10:23 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
I think I can speak for many a heathen when I say.....SWEET MERCIFUL CRAWDADS!!!
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See? Even the Godless witch cannot contain her wild enthusiasm for this glorious offer! PRAISE!
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member
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Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-21-2007, 11:09 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe
What ever is the problem. All we are offering is a simple self improvement service. Perhaps some of our consulars are a tad unconventional but that hardly invalidates the concept.
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Well, I'll just say this. Seeing as the offer is so damned expensive, no one in their right mind would take it. Therefore, there is no need for worry.
Quote:
See? Even the Godless witch cannot contain her wild enthusiasm for this glorious offer! PRAISE!
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Uhhhh...that wasn't enthusiasm.
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-21-2007, 11:15 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
Well, I'll just say this. Seeing as the offer is so damned expensive, no one in their right mind would take it. Therefore, there is no need for worry.
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If I were you I'd be plenty worried. Whatever the cost of Salvation, the alternative is unthinkable. To be separated from our Sweet Saviour and chained up in satan's rape rooms for all eternity is more than anyone can bear.
You'll regret each and every penny you refused to turn over to Jesus one hundred fold, believe me, VanChowderhead.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member
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Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-21-2007, 11:54 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
If I were you I'd be plenty worried. Whatever the cost of Salvation, the alternative is unthinkable. To be separated from our Sweet Saviour and chained up in satan's rape rooms for all eternity is more than anyone can bear.
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Actually, if I believed in heaven and hell, that would sound like a far better alternative than spending forever in the company of xtians singing praises to an egotistical deity forever.
Quote:
You'll regret each and every penny you refused to turn over to Jesus one hundred fold, believe me, VanChowderhead.
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Why?
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Posts: 11,024
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: At the Gift Exchange Counter
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-21-2007, 11:58 PM
Bobby-Joe! + JESUS!
Has ever a more Potent combination been available to the average Sinner?
I said, do it NOW!!!!!
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member
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Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-22-2007, 12:57 AM
You think this a good idea, then, SUV?
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,647
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: South Yorkshire, hotbed of sin
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-22-2007, 12:15 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
You think this a good idea, then, SUV?
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Everyone in their right minds thinks that this is a good idea! Why, it's such a good idea, we're willing to let you try it on credit! All you need do now is send your home address, phone number, the round trip air ticket, the box of surgical gloves, large plastic tie wraps, 40 feet of nylon rope, one gallon of gasoline and two wooden baseball bats to us, and we'll let you pay the rest in four easy installments of just $2,000 each! It doesn't get much better than that.
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,554
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
05-22-2007, 01:23 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
You think this a good idea, then, SUV?
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Sister Sue Vera thinks it is a good idea for sinners.
Now what is $5000 per head of you family Rachael when you all could be together in eternal bliss?
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
Hot Must ReadThreads!
Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,554
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge? -
09-14-2012, 09:54 PM
I am bumping this for the sake of the sinners here.
The offer still stand. Send us a round trip ticket to your city, your home address and one of our pastors will have on your hands and knees begging for Jesus help in no time at all.
At Landover we care.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
Hot Must ReadThreads!
Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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