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Default Landover Baptist Hell House 2008: Start planning now. - 10-11-2007, 05:22 PM

Winning souls for Jesus is a lot of hard work. The paint is still drying on the Landover Baptist Hell House 2007, but we're already planning for next year's.

Our current plans call for having the Hell House 2008 in the former building of the Convent of the Little Sisters of Perpetual Misery, which some of you will know as that run-down Victorian Gothic building that you can see from the intersection of Habakkuk Highway and the Freehold Bypass. After performing an exorcism to cast out the demons of Romanist Mary-hailing, we propose to go back to our traditional format of themed rooms, as detailed below. As you can see, the gravest threat to America, Western civilization, and life itself will be given two rooms.

Sometime in November, I'll pass around a sign-up sheet at mid-week Bible study to find people to do the hard work necessary to make this a truly scary Hell House that will scare people into the loving arms of Jesus. In the meantime, any constructive criticism from True Christians™ will be appreciated.

Landover Baptist Hell House 2008 (as per draft of 10/11/07, pending approval)

Democratic domestic-policy room: Under orders from President Hitlery Klingon and Chief Justice Barack Osama, women who are not mooselimbs or illegal aliens are dragged to hospitals for forced abortions, paid for by a new 500% sales tax on King James Bibles. A Cardinal Inquisitor chases the attendees around, threatening them with torture if they do not accept evolution and Wicca. Feminazis lead men around on leashes.

Democratic foreign-policy room: Shows Iraq once the cowardly Democrats have pulled out and Iraq has suffered the same ghastly fate as Vietnam, where Pol Pot killed all of the Kurds and kept the oil for himself. It is a failed state, rife with sectarian violence, and the world's new center of terrorist training, and Iran is making pretexts to invade. The middle class has moved out, and there is no lobster thermidor to be had.

Homosexuality room #1: This room is set in an airport men's room, where packs of feral sodomites gang-rape innocent Republicans to recruit them into the homer deathstyle choice. The ones who resist are chased around the room by a flannel-clad lesbian who threatens to castrate them with a labyris, while a member of the liberal MSM threatens to "out" all of them.

Homosexuality room #2: The second room is set in a wedding chapel decorated in felt-appliqué rainbow banners. By the altar, in place of the normal U.S. and Christian flags, are the bear flag and the state flag of Massachusetts. Two men prance up to the altar, where a woman Episcopalian bishop performs a "wedding" ceremony. Instantly, the bonds of real matrimony are ripped asunder for all heterosexual married couples in the chapel. Husbands and wives start duking it out until they notice how alluring their fellow pew-warmers' spouses are. Landover Baptist ushers move children on to the next room before the resulting orgy scene becomes too realistic.

Evolutionism room: Scientists, under a portrait of Lenin, cackle in malevolent glee as they announce plans to come up with an ideology that will destroy civilization. They are then seen ripping pages out of a book titled Airtight Evidence for Creation, throwing them into a shredder, and making "fossils" out of chicken bones. School children, when shown the "fossils," instantly reject God and therefore all morality, going on a spree of killing, raping, pillaging, and passing out Democratic campaign literature.

Public-school room: Shows a classroom in a typical public elementary school. Students say the pledge of allegiance to "one nation, under unelected liberal activist judges, indivisible, with liberty and justice for everyone except Christians." The teacher teaches them Wiccan sex magick. After that, she teaches them politically correct history, in which every civilization except ours is great and glorious and our greatest President was Jimmy Carter. She also teaches them the clearly satanic lie that our nation's founders were not all devout True Christian™ Baptists and the ludicrous nonsense that some of them were even deists and freethinkers. When a student even dares to mention Jesus, a representative of the ACLU snatches him and carries him off.

Catholicism room: A devout Catholic is shown in a hospital bed, dying of HIV that he contracted by ingesting a death cookie given to him by a skirt-wearing pedophile priest. Another priest gives him the sacrament of extreme unction and, in the process, attempts to grope him. The dying man cries out to the Blessed Virgin Mary to comfort him. "Mary" appears, rips off her mask to reveal herself as Semiramis, and drags him down to hell.

Liberal-Protestantism room: Another woman Episcopalian bishop gives a sermon, saying that Mother/Father God was just kidding when She inspired the parts of the NIV about spousal relationships and that She actually meant for men to submit to their wives. The bishop also says that the parts of the Bible about sodomy were meant for the church back then and that the most important parts of the Bible for people today are the parable of the sheep and the goats, the commandment to give to anyone who asks, and the passages in Acts about sharing all property in common.

Judaism room: In a synagogue, Jews observe one of their unpronounceable (un)holy days. A rabbi lights a black candle and prays, "Dark Lord Satan, we thank thee for sending us St. Judas Iscariot, for faking the Holocaust, and for giving us control over thy creation, the liberal MSM." He then wanders among the attendees, muttering something about tender, succulent Christian children. One of the congregants impatiently asks, "Rabbi, isn't it time for us to go poison some wells?"

Unelected-liberal-activist-judge room: In a federal courtroom, a Clinton-appointed judge invents a brand new constitutional doctrine, called "equal protection of the laws" or something, that gives sodomites the special privilege of being treated by real people and lets her brush aside the will of the people and their democratically elected representatives. She then hears a case in which a school board elected by a liberal Democrat county in the blue state of Maryland passes a sex-ed program that forces our precious children to learn that homers are actually people and in which decent Christians are forced to sue to stop it.

Environmentalism room: In a wilderness setting, a school bus is done up to look like a Honda Prius, or whatever it's called, that Pastor Peters thinks he saw on a business trip somewhere. The attendees are herded into the school bus. Landover Baptist deacons dressed as wild bears try to break in through the windows, saying, "Wild animals have just been given the vote, and we've voted to eat you all."

Hereafter room: This room is partitioned to let attendees see Heaven and Hell simultaneously. In Heaven, people sing "Jesus Loves Me" over and over again, occasionally pausing to look into Hell and point and laugh at loved ones who perished without Jesus. An angel announces that the people in Heaven will be privileged to do this for all eternity. In Hell, people beg for mercy, saying that they didn't know what a heinous sin they had committed by never hearing the Gospel, by being born in the Americas or Australia too early to meet True Christian™ missionaries, by hearing the Gospel in a way that they couldn't accept as true, or by reading the Bible and deciding that it couldn't be true. The devil jabs them with a pitchfork, telling them that there will be no mercy.

Decision room: A Landover Baptist deacon will gently, but repeatedly and insistently, ask the attendees whether they want to be good True Christian™ Landover Baptists or be tortured for all eternity. Since the attendees will have provided their names, home and work addresses, and Social Security numbers in order to buy tickets, the church business office will have already run credit checks and printed personalized tithing envelopes.

Gift shop: Parents can buy their own devil's pitchfork to remind children never, ever to be naughty. DVD's and both pop-up and coffee-table books will be available of this and previous years' Landover Baptist hell houses. There will also be an attractive selection of King James Bibles, priced for all tithing levels from tin to diamond pavé.

The gift shop will also include some of the favorite selections from the Church's main and other satellite gift shops. These include our ever popular Proverbs 22:15 rod of correction, engineered by Pastor Ezekiel himself, as well as Sister-in-Christ SUV's delicious Ezekiel 4:12 dung bread in both individual portions and family-sized loaves suitable for freezing. For edification at home or in the SUV, you may buy a CD of the Pastors' sermons on hell or a complete multi-disc set of Pastor Pistle's sermons. Remember: Show your Church membership card at the register and get 5% (gold-level tithers) or 10% (platinum- or higher-level tithers) off of your entire purchase!


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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Default Re: Landover Baptist Hell House 2008: Start planning now. - 10-11-2007, 05:43 PM

I have something to add. Sister Talitha is going to assist in the Decision Room by wearing some (tasteful) leather getup and whapping slow deciders with a cat-o-nine-tails. I understand she has sort of a traveling show of torture devices she trailers around to.....museums.

If that doesn't work, we will send them to the next room where Sister SUV will regale them with tales of her experiences at Woodstock. I am sure almost any good Baptist will pat handsomely to get his children out of THERE!


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Landover Baptist Hell House 2008: Start planning now. - 10-12-2007, 02:19 PM

I trust that the usual Ezekiel Bread and plastic Crown of Thorns will also be on sale at the LBC gift shoppe? Those are such big sellers.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Landover Baptist Hell House 2008: Start planning now. - 10-12-2007, 05:41 PM

Oh.my.GOD. This thread Certainly brings back memories. It was Right at the time of Landover's Homer! House 3 (or maybe, 4) years' ago that Pastor Kenneth got mistakenly locked in with a houseful of the Horrible Homer!s and then left on a Mission to Sin Fran-sissyco vowing never to return until he had personally c-o-nVerted each and every Homer! up there.

So far, not even a post card

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
Sister SUV will regale them with tales of her experiences at Woodstock. I am sure almost any good Baptist will pat handsomely to get his children out of THERE!
Pasta! Are you trying to insinute that you don't remember? I told you to leave that Purple Sunshine a-LONE!!!
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Default Re: Landover Baptist Hell House 2008: Start planning now. - 10-15-2007, 04:16 PM

This sounds like a great idea! Can I volunteer? It would be an honor to serve (and maybe convert some demoncrats!).
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Default Re: Landover Baptist Hell House 2008: Start planning now. - 10-15-2007, 05:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SUV View Post
Pasta! Are you trying to insinute that you don't remember? I told you to leave that Purple Sunshine a-LONE!!!
I vaguely remember something....did you ever play a gee-tar?

Purple haze all in my brain
Lately things just dont seem the same
Actin funny, but I dont know why
scuse me while I kiss the sky
Purple haze all around
Dont know if Im comin up or down
Am I happy or in misery?
What ever it is, that girl put a spell on me
Help me
Help me
Oh, no, no
Hammerin
Talkin bout heart n...s-soul
Im talkin about hard stuff
If everbodys still around, fluff and ease, if
So far out my mind
Somethings happening, somethings happening
Ooo, ahhh
Ooo, {click} ahhh,
Ooo, ahhh
Ooo, ahhh, yeah!
Purple haze all in my eyes, uhh
Dont know if its day or night
You got me blowin, blowin my mind
Is it tomorrow, or just the end of time?
Ooo
Help me
Ahh, yea-yeah, purple haze, yeah
Oh, no, oh
Oh, help me
Purple haze, tell me, baby, tell me
I cant go on like this
Purple haze
Youre makin me blow my mind...mama
Purple haze, n-no, nooo
Purple haze, no, its painful, baby


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Landover Baptist Hell House 2008: Start planning now. - 10-15-2007, 07:41 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
I vaguely remember something....did you ever play a gee-tar?
This thread is starting to worry me. It's only a short step from "wishful" to "sinful"!


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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