Fellow True Christians,
As you all know, The End Times are near. The recent earthquake and floods in the northeastern USA (home of the anti-Christ, Obama) were just the latest warnings that you should heed. Furthermore, the last super-volcanic eruption was a mere 75,000 years ago at Mt Toba in Indonesia, a
Muslim country. Coincidence? Hah! And now the Yellowstone Super-Volcano is getting active again - you can see it yourself with your own eyes!
The Mayans were pretty smart folks with the most advanced technology in North America in their time. More than 700 years ago, they showed the world that Mexicans are capable construction workers (you seen those pyramids?), landscape gardeners and tomato pickers. Heck, with all those beheadings in their pagan temples, it was obvious even then that Mexicans would make great drug gangsters. If you saw Mel Gibson's
Apocalypto you'll know - those beaners have always been violent folks with tattoos.
Anyway, the Mayans predicted The End Times with their famous calendar. But since they weren't Christians, the Lord snuffed them all out, as He will do to all beaners soon. The Mayan calendar ends at 11:11 AM, December 21, 2012, so we barely have time for one more Republican victory election before the Lord sets the Earth on fire and all of us True Christians get Raptured.
With so little time left, it's important that we get ready. My corporation recently bought out two holy companies which are helping Christians prepare for the coming Apocalypse: Goldline International and Food Insurance. Anyone who listens to Glenn Beck or has a diploma from his online university should be familiar with those names.
The Lord wants you and your family to prosper in the coming End Times, and that's why He wants you to invest in gold now more than ever. Indeed, recent messages we've been getting from Jesus indicate that you'll be able to take your gold with you to Heaven to buy an SUV, snowmobile and wide-screen TV. You don't want to spend an eternity in Heaven standing next to a freeway exit holding up a "Will work for food" sign, do you? So you need to start accumulating gold now!
You may have seen advertisements by some unscrupulous gold dealers who will charge 3% commission on gold sales - don't let them rip you off! At Goldline International, we charge only 80% over the world market price for gold, but you know that you'll be getting a quality product. The fact that Godly Glenn Beck has publicly blessed our company is all the proof that you need.
Furthermore, Jesus has been sending messages via AM radio to all the well-known conservative talk show hosts. It's no coincidence that they all have come to realize that Food Insurance offers the best value in town. When sitting in your bomb shelter waiting for The End Times to come, would you rather that your last meal be peanut butter and crackers, or beef stroganoff?
AM radio hosts all agree with Jesus: Food Insurance offers the tastiest Last Supper
Plus, I'm pleased to announce that all our customers who have done over $10,000 business with either Goldline International or Food Insurance will receive a 10% discount on classes at Glenn Beck University! This is a bargain that all True Christians will NOT want to miss!
Glenn Beck University cooking class
But hurry. The Rapture is just 16 months away. As they say, time flies!