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Default Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 09-29-2006, 07:09 PM

Friends, I am pleased to report that the Lord has truly blessed me today. My cold, lonely trek through this veil of tears has been made considerably easier - I now own my very own semi-human Slav. Since her real name is some unpronounceable Polack gibberish, I have now rechristened her Condi, it seems like a good sort of name for a house servant.
Condi's story starts at some point during the mid-1980s, in a small village in Communist Poland. She was continuously molested by the local Catholic Priest until the age of 9, at which point one of the villagers finally sobered up enough to notice that she was, in fact, female. Since it is considered a great disgrace for a papist priest to engage in any kind of heterosexual behaviour, this caused a huge scandal, and she was exiled to the West. Upon arriving in the UK, she chose the traditional career path of Polack women, and became an alcoholic prostitute. She continued in this sinful lifestyle until last week or so, when after a particularly crazed vodka binge, she was found curled up unconscious beneath one of the pews in our local church. While a majority of the congregation argued for putting the sub-Russian creature in a sack and tossing it into a river, I, with the True Christian™ love and compassion for which I am known, argued for taking it in, and teaching it to perform housework. Of course, she will not be paid in actual money, that would be absurd, but I will pay her in a far more valuable currency - being educated about the Holy KJV1611! Praise Jesus!


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 09-29-2006, 07:16 PM

Thank you for sharing such a touching account of Christian witnessing at its finest. Any unsaved trash who can read your post and not immediately convert and set up a schedule for tithing to LBC is damned indeed.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

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Default Re: Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 09-29-2006, 08:06 PM

Be careful Brother Temperance; I have it on good authority that Slavic women are why Slavic men drink.



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Default Re: Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 09-29-2006, 08:58 PM

Oh, I am so full of joy for you brother! I agree that these females can drive their males crazy, but a Christian man walking with Jesus has the fortitude to handle these females appropriately.
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Default Re: Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 09-29-2006, 10:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
Friends, I am pleased to report that the Lord has truly blessed me today. My cold, lonely trek through this veil of tears has been made considerably easier - I now own my very own semi-human Slav. Since her real name is some unpronounceable Polack gibberish, I have now rechristened her Condi, it seems like a good sort of name for a house servant.
Condi's story starts at some point during the mid-1980s, in a small village in Communist Poland. She was continuously molested by the local Catholic Priest until the age of 9, at which point one of the villagers finally sobered up enough to notice that she was, in fact, female. Since it is considered a great disgrace for a papist priest to engage in any kind of heterosexual behaviour, this caused a huge scandal, and she was exiled to the West. Upon arriving in the UK, she chose the traditional career path of Polack women, and became an alcoholic prostitute. She continued in this sinful lifestyle until last week or so, when after a particularly crazed vodka binge, she was found curled up unconscious beneath one of the pews in our local church. While a majority of the congregation argued for putting the sub-Russian creature in a sack and tossing it into a river, I, with the True Christian™ love and compassion for which I am known, argued for taking it in, and teaching it to perform housework. Of course, she will not be paid in actual money, that would be absurd, but I will pay her in a far more valuable currency - being educated about the Holy KJV1611! Praise Jesus!
What a truly heart warming testimony, Brother Temperance! May Jesus quicken that poor polack's brain so that it will be able to comprehend The Word of God, and learn how to properly scrub toilets, allowing you to avoid using the "Rod of Correction" as a tutoring aid!

Maybe one day it will be able to change a lightbulb all by itself!
Glory!
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Default Re: Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 09-30-2006, 10:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Witch Hammer View Post
Maybe one day it will be able to change a lightbulb all by itself!
Baby steps, Brother Hammer. Pole scrubbers have great difficulty with the basics of housework, let alone dealing with the intricacies of lightbulb changing; many Christians have found their Polack wench snivelling by the stove, trapped by a sea of wet linoleum ... they cannot help but mop themselves into a corner, you see.


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Default Re: Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 09-30-2006, 12:29 PM

I think you've taken on a whole load of trouble there Brother T.
Yes, instruct her in the ways of Our Lord© Jesus Christ™ but charge her a fee for the privelige.

You younger True Christians™ have far too much compassion.



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Default Re: Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 09-30-2006, 07:00 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
Be careful Brother Temperance; I have it on good authority that Slavic women are why Slavic men drink.
So why do Slavic women drink?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha
Yes, instruct her in the ways of Our Lord© Jesus Christ™ but charge her a fee for the privelige.
I'd be happy to, but what would she pay me in? Beetroot?


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 09-30-2006, 07:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
I'd be happy to, but what would she pay me in? Beetroot?
You could always try renting her out to other Godly families for a nominal fee. I am sure that she would be useful in the fields even if she isn't fit to work amongst the humans. Just ensure that she is watched carefully, lest she try to escape.


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Default Re: Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 09-30-2006, 07:07 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by JonFish85 View Post
You could always try renting her out to other Godly families for a nominal fee. I am sure that she would be useful in the fields even if she isn't fit to work amongst the humans. Just ensure that she is watched carefully, lest she try to escape.
She's a wily one, I'll grant you that. The other day, I'd assigned her to dust-clearing duties, and I found her using some kind of infernally loud device that she claimed just sucked up dust into itself. At first I thought this must be one of the suitcase bombs from the former USSR's armory that the mudswines are apparently so keen on, but on closer inspection it did indeed appear to be some kind of a mechanical Lilith.


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 09-30-2006, 07:22 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Wilfred Ernest View Post
Oh, I am so full of joy for you brother! I agree that these females can drive their males crazy, but a Christian man walking with Jesus has the fortitude to handle these females appropriately.
Ummmm.....Brother Wilfred......I'm sure you haven't noticed, but SATAN is looking over your shoulder. Please get to church immediately with your checkbook.


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Default Re: Meet Condi, my new Polack servant - 10-02-2006, 08:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
Ummmm.....Brother Wilfred......I'm sure you haven't noticed, but SATAN is looking over your shoulder. Please get to church immediately with your checkbook.
Oh no! I thought he was one of the Bee Gees! He kept telling me to kneel before God in his whacky accent. I assumed he was Christian?
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Default A most ugly language - 10-03-2006, 05:21 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
She's a wily one, I'll grant you that. The other day, I'd assigned her to dust-clearing duties, and I found her using some kind of infernally loud device that she claimed just sucked up dust into itself.
I hope you are making Condi use English when she speaks, as I would hate to think you are allowing her to use her native tongue in your presence; verily, Lilith speaks out of her backside everyday, but even she has more class than a Polack ...

... I cannot believe I just said that; must be getting soft in my old age.


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