[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

512 YEARS! Nuh-uh, not possible. Who would be silly enough to believe that something could live that long?

My Handmädchen! When did you become so rational? You shold remember that both I and my good friend the Greenland shark are much better documented than the boy Yeshua who went a bit amok (because we didn't have any plastic action figures back then to soothe him). To remind you of your happy and irrational past I'm gonna send you one of the bottles below. It's the one that reminds you of unnaturally long lives.



Ho! Can you guess which one it is?

[MitzaLizalor]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

Ho

I think you have misunderstood his requirements.
Proverbs 27:15

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor

I think you have misunderstood his requirements.
Proverbs 27:15

Dear Mitza, my cute lizardlord! I deliver what people need, not what they think they want. At this very moment, considering your obsession with verses, you need to know more about droppings, so I'll deliver you this nice and free guide on diverse droppings. You'll love it as much as you Love me and Fear the Jesus dude. Ho! I am sizzling hot today with my quick wit and compassion!

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

Ho Ho Ho!

It's December 2017 and I'm on duty! How great is that? It's overcast here in my North Pole Headquarters but we're hoping to admire some stars later on! Things are not very good over here. Sea ice is disappearing every year. You might have heard how my favorite animal friends are starving.

I know that you have a lot of wishes for this Christmas! Ask me anything and I'll deliver something! It is not always what you want but what you need! I know that in this nice community most of the spinsters and a surprisingly high number of bachelors are asking for a man in their lives. Similarly, a few bachelors and quite many spinsters are requesting that I deliver a bride. Please, you should realize that I don't deliver people. Nor do I deliver wisdom, intelligence or peace of mind. You must ask the Jesus guy for those. I deliver goods. Jesus, incidentally, will get some appropriate toiletries with frankincense scent!



Keeping that in mind, feel free to ask me anything. Ho Ho Ho.

Nice to finally talk to you (finally).

I’m sure you remember me as I wrote quite a few (unanswered) letters in my youth.

What I would really like is seven (one for each angle) Notebook HD Hidden Cameras w/ Night Vision & 2 Year Battery.

And something for my clean limbed young nephew (He-Man figures or something) who will be staying in the annex over Christmas (his mum has been having difficulties with him again).

YIC

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

My Handmädchen! When did you become so rational? You shold remember that both I and my good friend the Greenland shark are much better documented than the boy Yeshua who went a bit amok (because we didn't have any plastic action figures back then to soothe him). To remind you of your happy and irrational past I'm gonna send you one of the bottles below. It's the one that reminds you of unnaturally long lives.



Ho! Can you guess which one it is?

Hmph! Never mind the size, what's in the bottles? I can't read the labels.

[MitzaLizalor]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

Dear Mitza, my cute lizardlord! I deliver what people need, not what they think they want. At this very moment, considering your obsession with verses, you need to know more about droppings etc.

It is not for me to call myself compassionate, others may notice the quality if it's present at all, but I'm happy to say that I'm not obsessive. I am familiar with otter spraints, however, and everyone can recognise fox. Sensory field profiling includes olfactory elements layered like clothing, which may be tailored as actual clothes are to individual requirements. Otter can be quite pleasant, for example. Raw fish less so. Smell archives exist, too. Listen from 8:39 Later in the segment someone wants to bottle various smells and combine them into fragrances. I believe it's an Icelandic/Norwegian joint effort. Are you familiar with the research? Otter was not mentioned.

from 12:54

You can put on a smell if it's about carrying a smell that tells the surrounding world, "Leave me alone." I just launched a product in Germany, it's like one smell is like: "Come to me," the other one's like, "Leave. Me. Alone." and one's like, "Listen to me." And we're testing it with some substantial testing, multicultural, and it's incredible. So you have ladies, with their Harris bag, putting on the smell "Leave me alone." They're standing around, literally have a one-and-a-half metre free zone just like enjoying other people and (suffering small talk) [interrupted]

So tell me, I have to explore this, what does "Leave me alone" smell like?

contunue listening at 13:37

Perhaps there will be some gift ideas in there for you?

http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/drawingroom/making-sense-of-scents/9259916

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles

Nice to finally talk to you (finally).

I’m sure you remember me as I wrote quite a few (unanswered) letters in my youth.

What I would really like is seven (one for each angle) Notebook HD Hidden Cameras w/ Night Vision & 2 Year Battery.

And something for my clean limbed young nephew (He-Man figures or something) who will be staying in the annex over Christmas (his mum has been having difficulties with him again).

YIC

Nilesy my boy! Of course! For your peeping or whatever you kids call the spy stuff these days, I've got just the jolly nice and utterly fun-filled plastic package just for you.



As an extra bonus, you'll receive this nice toy of the Masters of the Universities of whatever action figurines.



I'd say "Ho" old chap!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Hmph! Never mind the size, what's in the bottles? I can't read the labels.

There you go!



Don't use this again to fry off the wings of flies or set shards of that Bible Book to fire. I trust you this time, Handels-Dandels. Be a good girl and I'll see you in a day or so, or at least your stockings and, please, try to wash them this time. Mrs Santa did not appreciate the organic stains that were very hard to remove after the contamination from your household.
Ho!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor

It is not for me to call myself compassionate, others may notice the quality if it's present at all, but I'm happy to say that I'm not obsessive. I am familiar with otter spraints, however, and everyone can recognise fox. Sensory field profiling includes olfactory elements layered like clothing, which may be tailored as actual clothes are to individual requirements. Otter can be quite pleasant, for example. Raw fish less so. Smell archives exist, too. Listen from 8:39 Later in the segment someone wants to bottle various smells and combine them into fragrances. I believe it's an Icelandic/Norwegian joint effort. Are you familiar with the research? Otter was not mentioned.

Perhaps there will be some gift ideas in there for you?

http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/drawingroom/making-sense-of-scents/9259916

OK, Mitza-baby! I didn't get half of that so Norwegian brown cheese it is for you and it is smelly, I presume. Ho?

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

Nilesy my boy! Of course! For your peeping or whatever you kids call the spy stuff these days, I've got just the jolly nice and utterly fun-filled plastic package just for you.



As an extra bonus, you'll receive this nice toy of the Masters of the Universities of whatever action figurines.



I'd say "Ho" old chap!

Doesn’ really compare with Jesus’ gift of ever lasting life.



YIC

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles

Doesn’ really compare with Jesus’ gift of ever lasting life.



YIC

Laurie dear,

No, it doesn't compare. The presents that I deliver are actual tangible goods, mostly made on the sacred plastic that has helped me more than anything win over the hearts and minds of young youths such as you. The Jesus boy gives you promises that may one day come into fruition with undecipherable but disappointingly low probability. I also give some of the best advice imaginable. Here's one for you.




Now you can sashey away to play with your little friends. Ho!

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

There you go!



Don't use this again to fry off the wings of flies or set shards of that Bible Book to fire. I trust you this time, Handels-Dandels. Be a good girl and I'll see you in a day or so, or at least your stockings and, please, try to wash them this time. Mrs Santa did not appreciate the organic stains that were very hard to remove after the contamination from your household.
Ho!

Santa, either your file system needs a reboot or your elves are not as reliable as God's prophets and apostles at recording events that happened before they were born or after they died.


It was one of my older brothers who burned down my parents' house years before I was born. Yes, I know that everyone in my family looks very much like each other due to generations of cousin-marriage back in the old country, but I was the one dressed in pink organdy and ruffles virtually all the time! Mixing me up with my brothers is just careless. I didn't even have a mustache at that age.


Furthermore Santa, as a True Christian™ I would never dream of setting fire to one shred of the Real® Bible. Mind you, there are scores of false versions out there that you could use to heat up your head quarters at the North Pole, but don't mess with the KJV. . . And bring me something nice, maybe one of those permanent hair-removal thingies.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

. . And bring me something nice, maybe one of those permanent hair-removal thingies.

Ho, Handy my shady-Maidy-Lady, you're one tough sheila! It is sometimes hard to follow the ever-changing neediness and wants and dos and don'ts of you people. No wonder the Jesus bruce is gonna destroy your infrastructure, livelihood and biosphere in his fantasies. I, on the other hand, concentrate on reliable delivery. Consider your wish fulfilled. I've been delivering to Japan, Nepal and India all night, but I'm still going strong and you can expect my thingies in your stockings later tonight!

[DolliMoans]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

HO! It's the Little Moanie! FYI, the Santa Route is not sequential but simultaneous. My time, on Christmas, is always fulfilled. It's quantum stuff that even Jesus H. Christ has failed to attain! Ha! As for your requests, Í'm looking forward to delivering you stuff that you need. Let us begin with some practical items to help you keep your sanity and your remaining family alive.



And it's made from plastic. My favorite material!

What on God's green earth is that? Cookie stamps?


I thought long and hard of my list, and for each of my kids .. here we go:


For Adelaide - get her a nice red dress, doesn't need to be too demure because she's pushing 40, unmarried, and on the fast track well-past old bag-hood. She needs all the help she can get, so pull no punches in making her look good, before she's totally dried up.

For Eunice - Get a pre-paid appointment for laser eye-surgery. Her owl-horn glasses aren't helping her in the men department.

For Rush - He's asked for a pack of roofies to help subdue the eligible ladies he's after, and give them something to stop their whining.


For Crusher - Get him thick steel toed boots for kicking down queers at school. Add spikes on the bottom so he can keep them pinned to the ground, helpless, and at his control.

For Truth - Get her a megaphone so she can follow her passion and hit the streets, attracting all the good people with the Good News.

For Lloyd - He's asked for an A-to-Z book of Christian Science (Not a Catholic edition, thank you), so he can have something good to rebuttal atheists with.

For Mildrew - Get him a How to Pick up Chicks for Dummies book. He's have some difficulty, and I really don't want him to go gay.

For Scooter - Get him a proper chopper. He needs to give up his scooter. It's not cute anymore.

For Bud - I don't know what he wants. A six-pack may do.

For Carson - A lump of coal would suffice. He hasn't been very Christian this year.


For Boomhauer - Something for his Nascar trophy collection, maybe with a stencil of Donald Trump (and autograph).

For Donald - My youngest son needs a new safety lock for his pistol. We've had issues in the past with his trigger-happy tendencies.

For Grenadine - Sign my youngest up for a Pearly premium Meet-Christian-Singles dating site. It's never too early.

For me, myself - A supply of exclusive lard facial cream and all-inclusive vacation to Guam beach would be welcome.

For Mister Moans - Get him that hunting rifle he's been eyeing in the Guns of Men catalogue (you know which one. )

[MitzaLizalor]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

the North

Santa does seem a bit geographically challenged. I carefully included both Norwegian and Icelandic sources for him, not being sure where he thought he came from, and he wanted me to get some of that stinking cheese! I wonder if Job was thinking of Santa's head?

JOB 26 .KJV . look up
5-14 [Job speaking] Dead things are formed from under the waters, and the inhabitants thereof. Hell is naked before him, and destruction hath no covering. He stretcheth out the north over the empty place, and hangeth the earth upon nothing. He bindeth up the waters in his thick clouds; and the cloud is not rent under them. He holdeth back the face of his throne, and spreadeth his cloud upon it. He hath compassed the waters with bounds, until the day and night come to an end. The pillars of heaven tremble and are astonished at his reproof. He divideth the sea with his power, and by his understanding he smiteth through the proud. By his spirit he hath garnished the heavens; his hand hath formed the crooked serpent. Lo, these are parts of his ways: but how little a portion is heard of him? but the thunder of his power who can understand?

Or he could be channelling that pope, John is it? (deceased) they've got dressed up in Italy a different country altogether. There is some resemblance.. I can't quite put my finger on it..

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by DolliMoans

What on God's green earth is that? Cookie stamps?

It is a pessary. You'll get it.

I thought long and hard of my list, and for each of my kids .. here we go:

Jesus H. Christ! You should know that making demands during delivery causes havoc to my carefully constructed infrastructure. I had to swoon back to the NP for some leftovers. You'll get what you deserve.

For Adelaide - get her a nice red dress, doesn't need to be too demure because she's pushing 40, unmarried, and on the fast track well-past old bag-hood. She needs all the help she can get, so pull no punches in making her look good, before she's totally dried up.

This one is for her.

For Eunice - Get a pre-paid appointment for laser eye-surgery. Her owl-horn glasses aren't helping her in the men department.

She'll be given a Eunice Barber poster.

For Rush - He's asked for a pack of roofies to help subdue the eligible ladies he's after, and give them something to stop their whining.

For Crusher - Get him thick steel toed boots for kicking down queers at school. Add spikes on the bottom so he can keep them pinned to the ground, helpless, and at his control.

He needs a decent male role model. Here's Wesley Crusher.

For Truth - Get her a megaphone so she can follow her passion and hit the streets, attracting all the good people with the Good News.

I'm giving her a new first name.

For Lloyd - He's asked for an A-to-Z book of Christian Science (Not a Catholic edition, thank you), so he can have something good to rebuttal atheists with.

For Mildrew - Get him a How to Pick up Chicks for Dummies book. He's have some difficulty, and I really don't want him to go gay.

Mildew can share Rush's gift.

For Scooter - Get him a proper chopper. He needs to give up his scooter. It's not cute anymore.

Can do.

For Bud - I don't know what he wants. A six-pack may do.

Here's a motivational sentence for him.

For Carson - A lump of coal would suffice. He hasn't been very Christian this year.

And he'll have a special guided all-expenses-covered shopping-tour with Carson Kressley.

For Boomhauer - Something for his Nascar trophy collection, maybe with a stencil of Donald Trump (and autograph).

Rush and Mildew can share.

For Donald - My youngest son needs a new safety lock for his pistol. We've had issues in the past with his trigger-happy tendencies.

For Grenadine - Sign my youngest up for a Pearly premium Meet-Christian-Singles dating site. It's never too early.

For me, myself - A supply of exclusive lard facial cream and all-inclusive vacation to Guam beach would be welcome.

Creams are out. Meanwhile, this will do.

For Mister Moans - Get him that hunting rifle he's been eyeing in the Guns of Men catalogue (you know which one. )

What he needs is a one-way ticket to Mongolia and I need a vacation.