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Default Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-04-2010, 11:55 PM

ANNUAL
ENDANGERED
SPECIES DINNER


Genesis 9:3 "Every moving thing that liveth, shall be meat for you."

Freehold, Iowa - The Landover Baptist Endangered Species Dinner has been a church tradition for the past 16 years. Pastor Harry Hardwick says, “That was about the time that those communist William-Jefferson-Clinton-electing liberals started belly aching about there only being a handful of South American red-spotted wharf-rats. That was the final straw for us. The Lord has given us all the animals – whether there be a million of them or just one little, bitty one hiding in a tree somewhere – to smack over the head, rip the skin off and barbeque. And this dinner is our way of showing that we follow God’s dietary laws – unless they are those annoying Jewish ones – and don’t pay a lick of mind to those whining tree-huggers.”


Added Mrs. Betty Bowers: “Both God and I truly laugh at these foolish people who talk about animals being endangered. They run around like Henny Penny when there are only ten left of a given species. Such unseemly alarmism! Christians don’t need zoologists to let us know how many of a specie the planet needs. Genesis tells us this. As Baptists, we have memorized the historical facts in the Bible about Noah. So we know that all you need is two of any specie. The rest is gravy. Literally.”

The Landover Baptist Christian Gourmet Society™, in conjunction with The Hardwick Steak House, have officially announced that the 6th annual Endangered Species Dinner for Platinum Tithers will be held annually on the East Lawn on June 1st. Diners will assemble at 6:00pm (sharp) at the Landover Petting Zoo to kill their choice of entrée. “It will sort of be like those fancy restaurants that have aquariums with lobsters in them,” said Pastor Deacon Fred. “We’re going to have some Spotted Owls in the trees next to the rifle range and folks can pick off the ones that look tasty. You just can’t get Spotted Owl fresher than that.” This year's theme (as every year's theme is) is taken from God's commandment in Genesis 9:3 "Every moving thing that liveth, shall be meat for you." Entertainment will be provided by the Light Singers and the Dancing Christian Little People Ministry. The dinner is by invitation only. RSVP by May 25th.

Three-hundred tables will be set for roughly 800 VIP church members. The seven course meal will be served on custom burnished black coral place settings with African Elephant ivory service. Each table is made from pure California redwood.


To get a glimpse of the savory delights that await God's Elect, we have included the menu here.


ENDANGERED SPECIES DINNER MENU

Before Dinner Drink: Nectar of the Haleakala volcano flower in commemorative native-carved ivory cups (limit of 24 per family).

Appetizer: Black Footed Ferret Bisque with Spotted Owl Egg Confetti Garni

Salad: Seared Breast of Whooping Crane Roulade with Haricots Verts and Sun-dried Grapes. Served with Oil of Baby Dolphin Lips Dressing on the side.

Entree: Roasted Florida Panther, Baby Sea Turtle fins and White Tiger Meat Cassoulet. Served with vegetable tortino and Provencale sweet onion tart.

Entree: Spotted Owl je'dué noi with poached tail of African Rhino. Served with purple Bali cabbage chiffonnade and fumet of rare mushrooms and lingo berries.

Dessert: Sweetened Rhinoceros crème brûlée or caramelized Vancouver Island Marmot Soufflé with Crème Anglaise.

After Dinner Drink: Panda Juice with or without pulp and/or paw

Fellowship Dessert: Surprise delicacy dependent on most endangered species within a given year.



Dinner will be served by the last remaining members of the Anasazi Indian tribe, all of whom were accidentally sterilized by Landover's high-power microwave ovens in the kitchen.

For aesthetic reasons, no warning signs were placed in the kitchen. However, Pastor Deacon Fred assured all Platinum Tithers that letters were sent out to all church members, telling them not to go beyond the lead doors. "If those Indian people cared so much about having children," commented Mrs. Bowers with a look of skepticism, "they certainly could have asked." Landover Baptist has found that there is a price to be paid for a 20-second baked potato and that is sterilization and a complete loss of body hair. "Although, an all-night shift did cure a pastry chef and the plate-washer of cancer," noted Deacon Fred. "Praise the Lord!"

The last remaining members of the Anasazi Indian tribe will stay long enough to clean up the meal, after which they will be given Styrofoam containers with leftovers as pay and shipped back to their trailers in Arizona. "We are borrowing them." Pastor reported. "We don't have to pay them injuns a dime."

Pastor also notes there is usually a surprise Fellowship Dessert each year! "I have a missionary in every state that owes me a favor, including those who live around oil spills and natural disaster areas," he says. "And they bring in some mighty fine tasting morsels for the people of God to savor before our Holy Father wipes them off the face of the planet! Glory to God and pass the pepper!"


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-05-2010, 04:22 AM

As I recall, a few years back we supped on some mammoth that was discovered frozen in Siberia. Quite exciting to actually eat something that really is totally extinct, and not just on the brink, even if it was a bit gristly and gamy.


I wonder if there is a dire wolf frozen under a glacier somewhere . . . .


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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-05-2010, 08:59 AM

Panda steaks would be a supple delicacy too.
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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-05-2010, 09:40 AM

Sounds even better than last year!

Romans 14:2 "For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs."


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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-06-2010, 12:53 AM

These dinners are a great idea. My personal favorite is whale meat, imported from my company's whaling subsidiaries located in Japan, Iceland and Norway. Although the environwackos make a big deal about the slaughtering of whales, what they fail to realize is that these kills are the result of important scientific whale research. We have learned so much from this research - for example, we've learned which species of whale taste best, and which ones will fetch the highest price.

The good news is that as the whales become more scarce, the price goes higher exponentially! When we get down to the last whale in existence, just think of how much we can sell it for! Our profits will be off the charts!


Scientific research

Now, I realize that many people are saddened to see whales go extinct, but really, they shouldn't be. When all the whales are gone, we can go after the dolphins which taste similar but don't (yet) fetch such a high price. That's good news, because it means that more people can enjoy this rare delicacy. You see, my company is a caring, sharing corporation, and we don't mind helping out all the little people every now and then.

Of course, some day our overfishing and polluting (ie oil spill) may wipe out ALL life in the oceans, but I see no reason to be concerned about this. I reckon we still got 50 years before the seas are completely devoid of living things, and by that time I know I'll be dead. Ditto for global warming - as long as you've got a house in Alaska at least 100 feet above sea level, you're good to go for the next 50 years, so what's the beef?

Given the above facts, why do liberals get their panties all twisted in a knot over this extinction hoax? The answer, of course, is that they're in league with Al Gore and George Soros to establish a New World Order to control our lives. I think that's obvious, and I don't know why the majority of voters fails to see it. Fortunately, we've got Rush Limbaugh to bring this message to the masses, and I'm pleased to say that more and more people are drinking his Kool-Aid and voting against their interests. I bet we can get the Tea Partiers to demonstrate in favor of Japanese whaling, even though none of them could ever afford a whale steak, or even sushi, but as long as we keep the price of dried dogfood low enough, they won't starve.


Food for the little people

I'd personally like to take this time to thank all the little people, who loyally support rich corporations as we pillage the middle class. Shucks, all that loyalty just brings a tear to my eye as I count my pile of money. I guess you could say that I've got a heart as big as the great outdoors.


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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-07-2010, 08:34 AM

Oh joy, I would like to attend the dinner. But I would like to say: Did our ancestors cared if there was not enough of animal X or animal Y? Ofcourse not! So why would we?
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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-07-2010, 09:34 PM

Some may have read my Notice in the local Freehold, IA, newspaper. The City has ordered all birdhouses removed.

As a part of ridding the City of songbirds, some good citizens have been shooting song birds. The larger species make delightful eating and will be served at the dinner.


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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-08-2010, 03:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold View Post
Some may have read my Notice in the local Freehold, IA, newspaper. The City has ordered all birdhouses removed.

As a part of ridding the City of songbirds, some good citizens have been shooting song birds. The larger species make delightful eating and will be served at the dinner.
Greetings Brother Johny,

I'm sure the songbirds make good eating, though if you want to really eat a man-sized avian steak, nothing beats endangered California condor, America's largest bird.


Good eating, at $3000/pound

Of course, it's not the largest creature in Calfornia, let alone the USA.


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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-08-2010, 07:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Free Market Fred View Post
Greetings Brother Johny,

I'm sure the songbirds make good eating, though if you want to really eat a man-sized avian steak, nothing beats endangered California condor, America's largest bird.


Good eating, at $3000/pound

Of course, it's not the largest creature in Calfornia, let alone the USA.


Supersize me

I agree with Brother Fred. I own the "Eat a Pet Cookbook" which has a recipe for stuffed canary and it doesn't sound like much. Will it be served with before dinner drinks?


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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-08-2010, 07:41 AM

Sounds delicious!

Where we grew up we used to have weekly magpie, crow and starling shoots, but we never bothered to eat them. Just burnt them up in trash barrels. Are you really sure that song birds are worth the effort?


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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-18-2013, 02:00 PM

So what's cooking this year? I'm guessing we won't have any western black rhino this time

I would suggest Maui's dolphins, there is only 55 left in the world, which would be enough to feed the whole town as the main cource! Or why not feast on an Hawaiian monk seal? There's 1,100 left, which would be enough meat for at least 3 annual endangered species dinners!
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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-18-2013, 04:22 PM

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Originally Posted by Ex-Viking View Post
So what's cooking this year? I'm guessing we won't have any western black rhino this time

I would suggest Maui's dolphins, there is only 55 left in the world, which would be enough to feed the whole town as the main cource! Or why not feast on an Hawaiian monk seal? There's 1,100 left, which would be enough meat for at least 3 annual endangered species dinners!

I enjoy eating these endangered species so much.

I've heard through the grapevine "Mayor's Welcome" is a big hit as well. It would be inappropriate for me to mention that, however.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-18-2013, 04:55 PM

Tiring of common panda? I have three suckling Red Panda. They are not at all dangerous and can be kept cheaply until required for culinary purpose.


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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-18-2013, 05:24 PM

The amount of still living Svalbard Bowhead whales is esimated to be around 10. For good money i might call my eskimo pals to harpoon one for the annual endangered species dinner!



And how about a juicy Mexican wolf steak, the rarest, most endangered and most genetically distinct subspecies of the gray wolf

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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-18-2013, 05:29 PM

I like to go down to the Florida Everglades and catch manatees. I used to just run into them with my motor boat propeller, but I have since discovered that they taste best if you kill their children in front of them.


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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-18-2013, 11:58 PM

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Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
I like to go down to the Florida Everglades and catch manatees. I used to just run into them with my motor boat propeller, but I have since discovered that they taste best if you kill their children in front of them.
Oh, all of this sounds so yummy! From what we have here in Michigan, I would recommend eastern puma (Puma concolor couguar)

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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-19-2013, 04:09 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ex-Viking View Post
Svalbard Bowhead whales
Whale fœtus paté___
4lb whale fœtus liver
1 quart whale milk
1 set fœtal whale brains
3 dessertspoons sea salt
5 star anise
3 tablespoons cracked peppercorns (white)
cream (to taste) (optional)
Rose petal vodka (abount a pint)*
small amount of butter
__________________

Soak the liver in the milk 4 hours at room temperature.
Drain and rinse.
Peel and mash the brains add cream (if used) (to taste) and star anise, stir.
Sprinkle the sea salt and alow to stand for an hour or two.
Boil then simmer for 8 minutes. Remove the anise.

Place livers in a food processor bowl fitted with the metal blade. Add about 1/2 of the rose vodka, process until combined.
Reduce to lowest speed, slowly add the rest of the vodka in a steady stream.
Process until smooth, adding additional cream (if used) to taste.
Add peppercorns (lightly crushed, or to taste).

Scrape paté into several small crocks and cool to room temperature.
Cover with thin scrape of butter to seal in juices and chill for at least 24 hours.

*Gin may be substituted (or juniper vodka) according to availability
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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-19-2013, 01:56 PM

I think we found the ultimate dinner: Northern White Rhinoceros. The only remaining ones is 2 in California and 4 in Africa. Better taste them before they are gone, and just think of all the money you could get by selling the ivory to some jap!

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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-19-2013, 02:26 PM

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Originally Posted by Ex-Viking View Post
I think we found the ultimate dinner: Northern White Rhinoceros. The only remaining ones is 2 in California and 4 in Africa. Better taste them before they are gone, and just think of all the money you could get by selling the ivory to some jap!
Some gook might turn their horns into male idols and worship them, but I doubt any decent white person would have much use for those worthless nubs. I imagine the rhinos themselves are revolted by them. They look like massive genital warts. Probably brought on by Afro-Californian jig magic.


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Default Re: Annual Endangered Species Dinner - 05-19-2013, 05:52 PM

Talk about a misleading thread title.

I assumed this was a dinner for decently educated Baptists!



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