[Brother Nelson]

Greetings, brothers and sisters.


I am more than happy to share my story, although I'm afraid it's not entirely a happy one. Unlike most of you here, I wasn't lucky enough to be born into a family worshipping the one true God, Jesus Christ. Rather, I was born into a hateful, hedonistic, atheist household that put its stock into materialism and scientific dogma instead of faith. Naturally, they divorced after a time, and, like most boys without a strong spiritual foundation in their lives, I turned to a life of promiscuity, partying, alcoholism, rock music, shoplifting, male prostitution, career identity theft, armed robbery, domestic terrorism, child molestation, international cocaine smuggling, liberal politics, and erotophonophiliac serial murder.


Well, it turned out that my best hook for male hookers and high-grade methaphetamine was a pastor who was going through a transformative time in his life. Through him, God saved me from those sins, and through His grace and His blood, it is as though the sins I committed - the fatal overdoses, the rapes, the cold-blooded murders - never happened at all. Not long after, I started my own home church in rural Alabama, and, since then, things have, praise God, been going wonderfully, aside from a brief stint in state prison after I was caught smoking crack and having sex with one of my congegants and his two underage daughters.



I was humbled by that experience, and after a brief period of introspection and restitution (through intensive prayer for the godless bastard and his two little whores who led me into temptation), I returned to my calling. I can now honestly say, before you all and before God, that such a public relations nightmare will never happen again.


Unfortunately, the damage had been done. Lives were ruined by the actions of the three who had tempted me so, resulting in the worst-case scenario for much of my congragation: many moved to Catholicism, Unitarianism, Mormonism, and other types of Satanism. No matter how I tried, I couldn't get my church in Alabama back together again. After several months and numerous restraining orders, I was forced to relocate to Lubbock, TX, where I am working as a homosexual therapy counselor and run numerous youth groups, where I take young boys and groups into the woods on weekends to show their love for the Lord.



I'm also the author of several books, including The Science Delusion: How to Use Bible Verses to Make Arrogant Atheists Quit a Debate in Frustration, Defending America: God Wants You to Bring Your Babies to Term So They Can Die in Our Wars, and I'm Too Lazy to Research Anything, So I'm Just Going to Glue a Bunch of Random My Old Anti-Hamas Essays Together, Add an Embarrassingly Derivative and Tacky Introduction Gleaned from the Wikipedia Article on ISIS, and Market It as a Comprehensive Guide to Terrorism in Syria: Who Cares, The Retards in My Congregation Will Buy Anything I Write Anyway, So Why Try?, co-authored by Jay Sekulow.


None of them have actually been published yet (I'd just lose the revenue to unsatisfied judgments from lawsuits filed by parents of children in my Alabama congregation), but my mother, my grandmother, and the young boy I tutor during piano lesson sleepovers all think they're great. (However, the Sekulow book was later adapted into the best-selling The Rise of ISIS and released without my contributions.)


I also travel the country giving motivational speeches to children at Christian elementary and middle schools on the ways Jesus Christ as touched my life, and I'm available for booking anytime (no high schools, please).


I've been having a hard time finding a new congregation to look into, but more than one person has recommended Landover, and after looking at your web site and reading a few of the forum threads, I think it is indeed the right place for me. (A few also recommended a small outfit in Kansas, and while their web site is every bit as uplifting, they ended up being a bit liberal for my sake. Turns out the founder's father was once involved in the negro "rights" movement or somesuch.)



It's awfully hard to come up with my favorite Bible verse, but I'll try. Little Timothy's mother just dropped him off for snowboarding lessons, and I'll have to get back to you in an hour or two. Part 2 of my introduction will have to wait.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

First of all, this is NOT a debate forum. We're right and you're wrong, according to Jesus and the Holy Word of God. Please read THIS thread before making an even bigger fool of yourself.

Secondly, while the internets might seem to be "free" to you, this particular corner of the internets is a privately owned Christian forum. The rights you have on this forum are listed HERE. Please contact a Pastor immediately if you feel that any of your rights have been violated.

Finally, your unsaved opinions or tantrums are not even slightly of interest to us. We follow the Holy Word of God TO THE LETTER, and make no apologies for that. One of the most important commandments in the Bible tells us to avoid unsaved scum such as yourself. You wandered in here uninvited, and unwelcome .

If you want to debate people, THIS is the place to go.

Please make a thread of your own in the "Introductions" section of the forum, so that we can properly greet you. Tell us about yourself, your church, and how you came to find Jesus.

And if you're here to flame us, better take a look at THIS before making an even bigger ass out of yourself.

I will pray that the Holy Spirit enter you and chase the demons out of your rectum and let Jesus fill you with His Grace. If you use your God-given free will to reject Christ and His temporary death on the cross for my sins, then you are sending yourself to hellfire.

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Hello Nelson,


Thank you for this detailed post! Many a Brother in Christ has traveled down the long and lonely road of homosexuality just to find Jesus waiting on the other side. It is a lifelong struggle, but we each have our cross to bear. If there is a silver lining to your time in federal detention, it's that you could at least find pleasure in the fairer sex.


It's reassuring to see that you've taken the Great Commission to heart; there are just so many people in the world that have yet to hear the Good News, we simply cannot have enough people out there spreading the Word. Here at Landover we have many traveling Pastors ministering to churches, prostitutes, politicians and wealthy industrialists the year round. I'd ask that you double-check your message to ensure that it adheres to our (and God's) standards. Any of our pastors would be happy to set you straight (pun intended ).


Ernie

[Isabella White]

Hello Mr. Nelson, and to , at . My, what a lovely, very long introductory message you've provided for us, and I do thank you for letting us get to know you. Gracious goodness, how you've lived a very full life (full of disgusting sins, that is), out there in the wilds of debauchery, experiencing everything that the devil has in his arsenal. I am thankful to Almighty that you've found your way to the foot of the old wooden Cross, and that you've found as your and . I pray that your work with the homersexualistic reprobates will bring many to for salvation. You're not the first to have a ministry in that area, and you may very well meet others with a similar outreach.

We look forward to more of your fascinating testimony, Mr. Nelson. May richly bless you.

Sincerely, Isabella W.

[Basilissa]

Hello and to our friendly forum! You seem like a great God-fearing fellow, and I do await Part 2 of your introduction. It is true that the Holy Bible is home to countless great verses, but there have to be one that speaks to you more than the others!

[James Hutchins]

I do not know a single reformed sinner. Just a person who has not sinned recently.
When God finally kills you, your record of Praise for Him (much like your school transcripts) is checked. If time has passed and you have proven your devotion, only then will God clear your record of your transgressions against Him and a Golden Ticket to Heaven.
I know quite a few sinners that while they do not seem to sin any more, they have unpure thoughts. You can tell just by looking at them. If I can tell, you know God knows.
It is going to be real interesting when God calls me to His Heavenly Home™ and I see who is there and who got kicked 'down stairs'.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Originally Posted by Brother Nelson

I am working as a homosexual therapy counselor and run numerous youth groups, where I take young boys and groups into the woods on weekends to show their love for the Lord.

[Dennis Lukes]

I will admit I only skimmed your very long introduction, but the parts I did read looked good. Welcome to the forum, make sure you don't spit in God's eye. Remember: Jesus will be personally reading everything you post here (Proverbs 15:3).

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Hello, Mr Nelson, and the warmest of welcomes. We are all eagerly awaiting your choice of verse.

Your face is strangely familiar - it reminds me very much of Sister Basilissa's fiancé's younger sister. Are you by any chance related?

[Johny Joe Hold]

Might you be a brother of Larry? You are so much like him I thought it was Larry writing.

[DolliMoans]

I thought you were an Asian Steve Perry, which would be quite something as white Steve Perry is quite a sagging mess now.