[Santa Claus]

Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!

It is I, your favorite and World's #1 superhero/superpower/super cool guy. Santa. Whether you've been nice or just a teeny bitsy polka dot naughty, you can still rely on me to listen to your requests and deliver the goodies. Sometimes I deliver what you ask for, sometimes what you need. But. I. Do. Deliver. I'm not just asking when I ask: Have you ever seen the Jesus guy deliver any reasonable-quality Chinese-made plastic toys? Obviously, you haven't. You might say that Jesus will deliver eternal life but you'll never know during this one and only life you have. But I digress. Old age.

Ho ho ho!

Anyways. I preferentially deliver toys, genuine plastic is best but other materials are also OK. Magazine and streaming subscriptions are OK. Kitchen utensils are great gifts preferentially not of plastic if placed on hot stoves. Adults: lots of stuff available to you, too. In rhyme:
All the little girls and boys
will get their plastic toys
The adults' toys are long and round
and make a buzzing sound

I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees), I do not deliver bleach or antiparasitic pastes this year as I do not deliver other forms of death, either. I do NOT deliver mental states, such as peace of mind or apostasy or falling in love or revivals. In rhyme:
Why covet another slave
or long for eternal bliss
Try instead the newest aftershave
Or holey cheese made by the Swiss.

Enough said. The elves are getting restless and need some discipline. Plastic is being poured. Paint is being applied. Rudolph and the other guys and gals are getting the fortified fodder of December. Ask and I shall deliver.

Ho ho ho!

[handmaiden]

Okay, Santa. Let's see if you can really put up or shut up.

I want a simple paddle ball toy. See picture below.







I tried to buy one at my neighborhood Dollar Store, (Where they have just raised the prices to $1.25, but have they changed the name on the building? Nooooo!) and I could not find one. I had to make due with a sinfully colored (rainbow) knock-off Slinky, instead.


The Slinky-ette is fun to manipulate in my hands, but doesn't require any particular skill to master as there is nothing to master. I want the paddle ball toy so that I can develop some much needed coordination. (Jesus cleansed my sins but didn't cure my clumsiness.)


I am expecting you to come through for me, Dude. And I don't want a version of the toy with a wimpy elastic tether and a brittle, breakable paddle. . . The ball needs to be sturdy as well.


I'm thinking 1950's era quality, before Blacks got ideas of sitting in the front of the bus and women had careers.

[Basilissa]

There is one great gift you can deliver for this Christmas. Reinstate the Best President that Ever Was.

Wouldn't that be an awesome gift for everyone - to see His Glorious Face back in the White House?

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Okay, Santa. Let's see if you can really put up or shut up.

I want a simple paddle ball toy. See picture below.



I tried to buy one at my neighborhood Dollar Store, (Where they have just raised the prices to $1.25, but have they changed the name on the building? Nooooo!) and I could not find one. I had to make due with a sinfully colored (rainbow) knock-off Slinky, instead.

The Slinky-ette is fun to manipulate in my hands, but doesn't require any particular skill to master as there is nothing to master. I want the paddle ball toy so that I can develop some much needed coordination. (Jesus cleansed my sins but didn't cure my clumsiness.)

I am expecting you to come through for me, Dude. And I don't want a version of the toy with a wimpy elastic tether and a brittle, breakable paddle. . . The ball needs to be sturdy as well.

I'm thinking 1950's era quality, before Blacks got ideas of sitting in the front of the bus and women had careers.

Ho-Ho-Ha-Ha-Handy! You're always so cute. Adorable. There's no need to be prudish. I know exactly which paddle you covet! And a paddle thou shalt get. As this is a novelty product, it is not yet available in plastic, but I surmise a wooden one will do for now.



Now you and your "playmates" will have to be careful with this paddle, if you use too much strength, it may splinter and the splinters can kind of ruin the session of "fun and games", don't you think! So, use this wisely, and be a nice girl. In rhyme:
A suitable amount of spanks
is like money in the banks
It can make the evening cosy
and your "cheeks" will be so rosy
Now just give me your thanks!

Ho-ho-howdy-ho. Luv you and you'll LOVE this product!

[Santa Claus]

My instructions in quite plain if somewhat archaic English:

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees), I do not deliver bleach or antiparasitic pastes this year as I do not deliver other forms of death, either. I do NOT deliver mental states, such as peace of mind or apostasy or falling in love or revivals.

Then, your wish:

Originally Posted by Basilissa

There is one great gift you can deliver for this Christmas. Reinstate the Best President that Ever Was.

Wouldn't that be an awesome gift for everyone - to see His Glorious Face back in the White House?

My instructions once again:

I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees)

Now and ho and how, Bassie, have your previously presentable reading skills deteriorated so much during the past year? Neurological issues after the covid-19 you were in denial of? Anyway. you have been nice and I'll deliver. As I DO NOT deliver people (such as employees), I've decided to give you two pieces of classic figurative art in genuine digital replicas. First one: The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters (El sueño de la razón produce monstruos) by Francisco Goya.



The implications are obvious, don't you think? Second, a panel from The Lemming with a Locket by Carl Barks:



You wished to have a Donald and here's the original. Now, who are the lemmings: are they the ones who run amok in panic of the unknown until they in a stubborn wave of alleged freedom jump off the cliff and drown or the ones who investigate, build a small platform of twigs and live to reach for the cheese and thrive in it (you've gotta read that classic and everything will be clear, I have the whole collection in plastic (YAY!) hermetically sealed bags in a nitrogen atmosphere)?
In rhyme (to give you something to ponder upon):
What's the cause for the Season?
Gluttony, trains or toys?
What if the cause was to develop reason
Instead of carnal joys?

Ho, this one is an educational gift. It requires some reading comprehension skills. I cannot give them to you but this might help you along. And clean the chimney for a deity's sake, girly girl!

[Dennis Lukes]

Well Santy Claus, if you're giving out stuff for free like a Democrat at a black person convention, I guess I'd like an extra powerful metal detector, to identify vaccinated individuals so I can refuse them service. I would also like for our gifts to be delivered without your usual snide commentary.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes

Well Santy Claus, if you're giving out stuff for free like a Democrat at a black person convention, I guess I'd like an extra powerful metal detector, to identify vaccinated individuals so I can refuse them service. I would also like for our gifts to be delivered without your usual snide commentary.

Dennis Lad! Such a great wish! I went to the icy storage tunnels of my North Pole and searched for a suitable device and Ho-Ho-Ho I did find it. Regular metal detectors are indeed incapable of detecting homeopathic amounts of metals but this one - the world's most powerful magnet - does the job!



You'll need a medium-sized personal nuclear power plant to use it, though, but I'm sure you can charge your clients some extra by showing them the photos you've taken during their "intimate" sessions. Please be informed that the magnet can also detect the iron in our red blood cells, so that might result in some additional winnowing of your clientele. Please be also reminded that as modern microchips contain mostly semiconductors, and there is very little metal in them, your approach might not be the optimal one if you wish to cater your paranoias. However, if this device is suitable, I won't be delivering your annual bundle of long and round buzzing adult toys this time. In rhyme:
When you finally grow some peach fuzz
I'll give you the long and round with a buzz
Meanwhile, instead of pragmatism
You can experiment with some magnetism.
Remove the iron plug from you-know-where it does!

Ho, so nice to meet you again laddie-boy. If you change your mind, the bundle is still yours for me to deliver.