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Reload this Page Letters from the War on Christmas
THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS! Open for the CHRISTmas Season only.

 
 
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Ezekiel Bathfire's Avatar
Ezekiel Bathfire Ezekiel Bathfire is offline
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Default Re: Letters from the War on Christmas - 12-24-2010, 08:42 PM

On the Home Front, these fine Christians are giving the American Citizens a lesson that needs to be learned.







“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: Letters from the War on Christmas - 12-24-2010, 09:44 PM

Well they don't look much like Real Americans. But if they're doing the Lord's Work, they'll have to do
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Default Re: Letters from the War on Christmas - 12-24-2010, 10:10 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SUV View Post
Well they don't look much like Real Americans. But if they're doing the Lord's Work, they'll have to do
I suppose, Sister SUV.

I just placed a call to Ofc. Don, and he assured me that the Freehold Prison's Firing Squad is much more efficient using the M-60s the city fathers provided them.


The Honorable HTannor (Pro NRA, Anti-Homer Marriage), Judge, Freehold Supreme Court

"Credo elvem etiam vivere"
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Default Re: Letters from the War on Christmas - 12-25-2010, 01:03 AM

My Dearest Octavia,


It has been a long time since I had an opportunity of writing to you, and I gladly avail myself of the present occasion. I am not certain that I will have a chance of sending this but I will write a few lines anyhow and try and get it off to let you know that I am among the living.


We have been on a raid back into Fort Worth, TX and, unlike previous occasions, I have time to give you the particulars of our trip. I want you to know that our Christmas Spirits are high and give you a flavor of our battle for the Fort Worth Mass Transit Posters. As you may well know, the enemy has made Texas, one of the centers of True Christianity, a high priority in the war. They believe the old saying that, “As goes Tx. so goes the nation.” As our commanding officer, Horrace Ezekial Jackson, II, pointed out, the recent changes that the good people of the Free State of Texas made to their schoolbooks was one of the most resounding shots in the battle against the godless. As he said, “It really put a bee in their burqas.” Well, it seems that bee decided to sting back.


Fort Worth had always put wholesome Christian posters in their transit systems during Christmas. I hesitate to tell you what happened this year, but I will keep my vow I made to you on that grey and cloudy day before I sign up. I will not hold any detail from you, no matter the risk to your feminine sensibilities. But know this, it is enough to make a man go mad. The fact is that the Godless heathens purchased advertising space and put up posters saying, “Millions of Americans are good without God.” My heart aches to tell you this, but it is the truth.


We struck camp just before sunrise and started our attack. With the sun at our backs, we took the number six bus west to the center of town and then transferred to the number 15 on the blue line to go to the Historic Stockyards. From there we would catch the cross-town express to City Hall in time for the debate over the advertising attack. While on route, the evidence of the recent atheist raid was everywhere. No longer was the advertising message on the busses solely a Christian one, it now held atheist propaganda. Many of our men had to turn away, some even emptying their stomachs, as they watched once-good Christian civilians convert to atheism right before their eyes. Later, one of my brothers in arms would report overhearing one civilian say to his wife in a trance-like voice, “You know, I have been a devout Baptist all my life, but after glancing at that one-line poster on the bus over there, I see their point. I hate God now.”


We lost several good men at the midtown bus terminal for the want of exact change. (Supply lines have been unreliable recently with the atheist victories at the Houston Public Library Book Display and the Dallas Fire Dept. Santa-On-A-Truck parade.) Thankfully, most of us made it to the debate.


Once there, we picketed our hearts out. We scrambled for the high moral ground. We screamed and yelled. We threw literature at anything that moved. Unfortunately, the atheists had dug in behind a folding petition table and chairs. As the day wore on, with men running low on leaflets, we slept little and ate even less. When the dust had cleared, the City decided that rather than allow this UnGodly filth be displayed, they would ban all religious themed advertising. For a moment, we cheered, thinking the battle won. But suddenly, it dawned on the men that this meant while the atheists could not spread their lies; it also meant that Christians could no longer spread the Good Word on Fort Worth busses. One of our numbers fell to his knees stretched out his arms to his sides and look up to the heavens as a news helicopter flew over him and screamed, “We just wanted you to ban the Atheists….not everyone!!!! Why, God? Why?!?!?!”


I still don’t know who won that battle. To be honest, I am just glad I survived. I think that at its core, war simply about survival. We will remain in this vicinity, I expect for some time. We need to replenish our supplies and make several talk show appearances to scream about how oppressed we Christians are in this Country.


I must close for fear I do not get to send my letter off. Write often… I will get them sometime. I will write every chance, do not be uneasy when you do not get letters, for when we are scouting around as we have been it is impossible to write or to send them off if we did write. Give my love to my hunting dogs, Pancake and Biscuit, and all the family friends. My love and a thousand kisses to my own sweet Amanda and our little boys. How my heart yearns for thou that are so near and dear to me. Goodbye my own sweet wife, for the present.

As ever your devoted and loving Husband, Gabriel Buford Reproba, Esq.


Yours In Christ,

Gabriel Reproba, Esq. (Lawyer for the Lord)

Further reading to help you become a True Christian™

Stoning Sinners: A How-To Guide
Scientific Study: Bible is NOT "All About Love"
The One Sin Jesus Says He Won't EVER Forgive!
Should we only follow SOME of the Bible?
How will YOU sacrifice your kids?
20 Questions To See If Your Son Is A Fag
God: Dress Like A Whore...Get Raped!
Bible: If You Love Your Wife, Beat Her!
Logic and Bible Agree: Gay is a choice!
Nursery Rhymes Teach kids that Christ is Lord!
There is no such thing as an "agnostic!"
Science: People are Only Islamic Because They are Depressed!

Reading only the parts of the Bible your pastor tells you to (those that make you feel warm and fuzzy) is nothing but mental and spiritual masturbation. Read the WHOLE Bible to find out what Christianity is REALLY all about! Only then can you talk to us about why we try so hard to save people from Hell.
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Default Re: Letters from the War on Christmas - 12-25-2010, 10:53 AM

I hope the good Reverends and Pastors of Freehold will award many well-earned medals to our boys serving on the front lines.

It seems little enough to do to make sure these Freedom Fighters are properly recognized for their sacrifices.


The Honorable HTannor (Pro NRA, Anti-Homer Marriage), Judge, Freehold Supreme Court

"Credo elvem etiam vivere"
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Default Re: Letters from the War on Christmas - 12-25-2010, 02:27 PM

All you Gallant Mens are giving me the strangest feelings...and Right here on Christmas Day, too
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Default Re: Letters from the War on Christmas - 12-20-2015, 08:27 PM

Shout GLORY! The battles rage on!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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