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Default Dating Tips for Christian Men - 09-16-2006, 02:20 PM

If you have grown up in a Christian home that believes in the Holy Bible, then most certainly, you have limited yourself to chaperoned dating until the age of 21. If you are truly saved, it is not until your 21st birthday, that the thought of dating someone without adult supervision would even enter your mind.

These tips are for Christian men, age 21 or older. If you are truly saved, you are looking for a woman who will serve you and who loves the Lord as much as you do. You are looking for a woman who has kept herself pure for her future husband and for the Lord Jesus Christ. You are looking for a woman who knows how to cook and sew, a woman who can keep house. You are looking for a woman who will not squander your income or lean toward gossip. You are looking for a woman who will submit and obey, for there is no other way for a marriage to honor God without following the strict Biblical principles that God has laid out for us in the Bible.

If you have found such a creature and she is not bobbed of hair, nor wont for excess in make-up or lewd attire, then you must prepare yourself for a first date. Here are a few tips to get you prepared for your first date.

GODLY SECRETS TO DATING SUCCESS



1. COMB YOUR HAIR
Head lice are very common among Christian men, especially Pentecostals. Although it is a normal and natural blessing from God to have head lice, you should certainly wash your hair before your date if only for the reason to avoid the temptation of putting your arm around the young lady while lifting to scratch your head.

2. PRAY
Spend the day before your date with at least 6-hours of solitary prayer in a prayer-closet or a confined area. Ask the Lord to guide your words and actions. Ask Jesus to help you control your lust and pray that you will have a nightly emission before the date, thus making it easier for your carnal mind to operate on a level that is strictly spiritual. Do not masturbate in your prayer-closet unless you are thinking about Jesus. Click here for more detailed spiritual guidance on masturbation.

3. PURCHASE A RING
Visit a jewelry store and purchase a diamond ring. For the Christian man, every date is a potential mate. If she is the right gal, you will want to pop the question as soon as possible. It is always handy to have the engagement ring available.

4. RECITE VERSES
When you are on the date, use awkward moments of silence to quote scripture, or sing a favorite hymn. All women are impressed with such things. If she is not woo'd by this, it is a sign that she might be possessed by a demon. Take her to your church and drop her off by the back gate with a note to the pastor taped to her forehead. Be sure to secure her to a tree or post using chains or rope so that she won't get away during the night.

5. SPRUCE UP!
Wear Christian cologne. The only Christian cologne available is "Betty Bowers' The Essence Of Christian Men." If you do not have any Christian cologne, rub your face in a Bible until you smell like the pages.

6. TAKE HER TO VISIT GOD
The best place for a first date is church. Oh, how impressed your sweetheart will be when she finds out you are taking her to Sunday evening services! Then, a romantic dinner at Denny's!

7. GRILL HER FAITH
Use the time at the restaurant to find out if your sweetheart is really saved. Question her salvation at least 15 times. Make sure she knows the exact day and hour (and preferably the exact minute) she met Jesus.

8. KEEP THE PASSION SUPPRESSED
If the bandage work on your penis fails in the slightest bit, excuse yourself for the men's room and re-adjust the harnessing.

9. PRACTICE YOUR LINES
Some Christian phrases that will help you "woo" the lesser sex are, "I'm almost as crazy about you as I am about Jesus," "Your long hair is the glory of your humility (I Corinthians 11: 11-15)," and "God broke the mold when he made your sweet face."

10. SQUELCH YOUR PASSION
If you have not had a nightly emission before your date, make certain that you take extra precaution. Use an ace bandage or knitting yarn to tie your penis back against your stomach or underneath your hiney. If you tuck instead of tie, make sure that the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter the hole in your hiney where you go poopy out of - otherwise you might accidentally sodomize yourself and inadvertently become a homosexual.

11. AVOID TOUCHING!
Make certain that there is no personal contact (PC) on this first date. Even if she has said "yes" to marriage, it is highly recommended that you refrain from even holding hands for at least two years until the courtship is over and you are whisked away on your honeymoon!



Follow these dating tips for Christian men and you are sure to find a life partner that is suitable, submissive, and steadfast.

And most importantly: DO NOT share these secrets with females!!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default 09-17-2006, 08:36 PM

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Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
5. SPRUCE UP!
Wear Christian cologne. The only Christian cologne available is "Betty Bowers' The Essence Of Christian Men." If you do not have any Christian cologne, rub your face in a Bible until you smell like the pages.
Pastor Ezekiel, might I inquire as to what Mrs. Betty's cologne for Christian Men smells like? Brother Josiah tried to CONvince me that this was indeed the scent he was wearing although actually he smelt like the first booth of the Ruff Cut Saloon, which I'm too sure the pages of the KJV 1611 do not smell like -except for maybe a few of of Pastor Kenneth's

Surely Mrs. Betty wouldn't approve a "fragrance" that smells like that?

(I'm guessing that's what a Den of Iniquity would smell like: Cigarette butts, ripped-up Lottery Tickets, "Fuzzy Navels" - that sort of thing.)

SUV
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Default 09-18-2006, 12:20 AM

Woman, what part of "MEN ONLY" do you not understand?
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Default 09-18-2006, 01:23 AM

This is an embarresing question but is it ok to take a girl to the homer ministry at the local truck stop as a first date? I wouldn't want to mess up her hair by asking her to wear a ski mask.


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Default 09-18-2006, 01:27 AM

Brother Mike, is not a girl to keep her hair covered when engaging in ministery? That way, she can be shamefaced and in subjection to her male better....
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Default 09-18-2006, 05:02 PM

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Originally Posted by JonFish85 View Post
Brother Mike, is not a girl to keep her hair covered when engaging in ministery? That way, she can be shamefaced and in subjection to her male better....
Excellent advice, Brother.


Brother Mike, not only does it keep her head covered (as is required of females during such acts.) but taking her there is also a great opportunity to test her faith.

See if she is willing to obey the commandment of Leviticus 20:13.
If she is, then she is most likely a dedicated True Christian™.


If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default 09-18-2006, 11:30 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother_Mike View Post
This is an embarresing question but is it ok to take a girl to the homer ministry at the local truck stop as a first date? I wouldn't want to mess up her hair by asking her to wear a ski mask.
Just have her watch from the car. You don't want to risk getting brainsplatter all over her frock and catching AIDS...


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default 09-18-2006, 11:37 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
10. SQUELCH YOUR PASSION
If you have not had a nightly emission before your date, make certain that you take extra precaution. Use an ace bandage or knitting yarn to tie your penis back against your stomach or underneath your hiney. If you tuck instead of tie, make sure that the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter the hole in your hiney where you go poopy out of - otherwise you might accidentally sodomize yourself and inadvertently become a homosexual.
What exactly do you mean by this?? I thought the M action was a sin??

Moon


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Default 09-18-2006, 11:59 PM

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Originally Posted by MoonFlower View Post
What exactly do you mean by this?? I thought the M action was a sin??
What is meant is something different from the "M" sin. It's what Holy Scripture calls "uncleanness that chanceth him by night," i.e., not the result of any deliberate act of self-harlotry.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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Default 09-19-2006, 01:37 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower View Post
What exactly do you mean by this?? I thought the M action was a sin??

Moon
You don't know about this because the degenerate men you hold orgies with are drained dry of their Manly fluids by the time you are finished with them...


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default 09-19-2006, 03:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by More Saved Than Thou View Post
What is meant is something different from the "M" sin. It's what Holy Scripture calls "uncleanness that chanceth him by night," i.e., not the result of any deliberate act of self-harlotry.
Ohhhh, must get kinda messy, huh? Do you have to wear some sort of special undergarment?

Moon

And Zeke, I don't have orgies because I live inside the walls of Landover so if I were to have an orgy, I'd have no choice but to have it with True Christian Men®. So unless you attended one of these orgies you claim I have and were drained of all your "manly fluids" by me, then shut up and get your facts right preppy.


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Default 09-19-2006, 05:11 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower View Post
Do you have to wear some sort of special undergarment?
No, we don't. Depraved harlot, stop confusing us with the kooky cult of mormonism.

On the other hand, if a man has a nocturnal emission, he is unclean until the sun goes down (Deut. 23:11), so it's a good idea to take that into account when scheduling a date.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

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Default 09-19-2006, 05:16 PM

Interesting. I would have never though men were considered unlean. Thank you for the clarification, More Saved Than Thou.

Moon


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Default 09-19-2006, 07:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower View Post
What exactly do you mean by this?? I thought the M action was a sin??

Moon
Jesus comes to good Christian men in their sleep and raptures the excess seed from their bodies during dreams about intense religious experances with Christ.



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Default 09-20-2006, 12:46 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower View Post
Ohhhh, must get kinda messy, huh? Do you have to wear some sort of special undergarment?

Moon

And Zeke, I don't have orgies because I live inside the walls of Landover so if I were to have an orgy, I'd have no choice but to have it with True Christian Men®. So unless you attended one of these orgies you claim I have and were drained of all your "manly fluids" by me, then shut up and get your facts right preppy.
What part of MEN ONLY don't you understand, filthy hippie!?

The next time I find you in here, Pastor Pistle is going to hear about it. I suppose you remember the prayer closet?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default 09-21-2006, 03:50 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
What part of MEN ONLY don't you understand, filthy hippie!?

The next time I find you in here, Pastor Pistle is going to hear about it. I suppose you remember the prayer closet?
Do I look like someone that follows the rules preppy boy? NO. Therefore, I really don't care if it says "Men Only". You boys could actually learn a thing or two from the Landover women.

As for the prayer closet...how could I forget. You kept me compay there...oh what a night that was. Some hot and heavy praying was deffinately going on in there.

Moon

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
Jesus comes to good Christian men in their sleep and raptures the excess seed from their bodies during dreams about intense religious experances with Christ.
BJ, I know you're very patient with me and I really appreciate that, but I have to say...this whole dreaming about Christ and getting wet dreams is sort of....homerish?? Don't get mad, but remember that I'm Wiccan and so I don't understand the relationship you all have with JC. Is it like the hands on healing I attend with Larry (they're very satisfying and extremely intense)??

Curious,
Moon


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Last edited by MoonFlower; 09-21-2006 at 03:53 PM.
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Default 09-21-2006, 05:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower View Post
BJ, I know you're very patient with me and I really appreciate that, but I have to say...this whole dreaming about Christ and getting wet dreams is sort of....homerish?? Don't get mad, but remember that I'm Wiccan and so I don't understand the relationship you all have with JC. Is it like the hands on healing I attend with Larry (they're very satisfying and extremely intense)??

Curious,
Moon
I don’t see what is homerish about it Moonflower; Jesus just appears in the dream bare to His holy waist, His Godly golden locks flowing from His glorious mullet. He smiles with His kind blue eyes and reaches down with His oh so warm but rugged hands and takes the seed from me. He holds up His Holy hand were He is holding a glowing ball of light filled with the seed souls He has taken from me. The seed souls flutter about in the light ball with their little wings and halos singing “All Glory to God for He has risen!” and Jesus ascends back to heaven. Pretty routine and hetro stuff. I think TV has given you some odd ideas Moonflower.



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Default 09-21-2006, 09:07 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
You don't know about this because the degenerate men you hold orgies with are drained dry of their Manly fluids by the time you are finished with them...
errrrrr ... I thought this topic was about Christian dating, an activity where the only thing manly that a lady needs to worry about is her date's command of scripture.


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Default 09-21-2006, 09:10 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
He smiles with His kind blue eyes and reaches down with His oh so warm but rugged hands and takes the seed from me.

Riiiiight...nothing homerish about that....

Moon

PS - Does JC do that for women???


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Default 09-21-2006, 09:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower View Post
Riiiiight...nothing homerish about that....

Moon

PS - Does JC do that for women???
A Pastor's work is never done...


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