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Reload this Page Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place!
Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow.

View Poll Results: Which form of sexual purity will you pledge to LBC and Jesus?
Pure as Snow - Complete Sexual Purity 13 12.50%
Born Again Virginity 18 17.31%
Only within marriage and never for pleasure 27 25.96%
Un-Gay Virgin (careful there) 9 8.65%
I'll do as I please with my cooter or choo choo! (hellbound) 37 35.58%
Voters: 104. You may not vote on this poll

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Default Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 03-04-2007, 04:17 AM

Many folks have come to me and expressed the need for help with their own sexual purity. I know all of you (who are worthy) want to be pure, but without GOD's help, you may find yourselves writhing in carnal knowledge like dogs in heat.

Anyway, by choosing an option in this poll you will be committing to LBC and GOD that you will remain pure. Please seal your agreement with our Lord by repeating the prayer below.

Dearest Jesus! I pray Thee to defend, with Thy grace, chastity and purity in my soul as well as in my body.
Amen.

PS Those of you who have the privilege, you may add options to the poll, as usual.


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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 03-04-2007, 04:43 AM

Errrrr... What if we're torn between two answers? I think I need to pray on this, and maybe consult a pastor.


Posted via Prayer

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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 03-04-2007, 04:49 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria View Post
Errrrr... What if we're torn between two answers? I think I need to pray on this, and maybe consult a pastor.
Of course prayer and consulting a pastor (especially about tithing) is always a good idea. And I think Jesus would be most upset by no pledge at all, so my advice: Under pledge and over deliver.


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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 03-04-2007, 04:25 PM

As all the Good Ladies here at landover know, your own sister Tali came to you after an unfortunate incident with her 92 year old husband. (now sadly departed)

I Praise The Lord© and give thanks Jesus Christ® every time I Pray for giving me my Virginity back with the help of those good people at The Freehold Memorial Hospital.

Their Cooter Resurrection Unit have made me back into the Woman I used to be.

Praise the Lord™



Sister Talitha

Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 03-04-2007, 05:19 PM

I chose the "Marriage" option. (Boys - did you see that?)

Although I don't need to hear Dora Denkins "singing" once again:

Here comes the Bride
Big, fat and wide!
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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-18-2007, 10:59 PM

I chose the Marriage option as well.
My husband and I want kids some day, and last I checked that was the only way to get one of your own flesh. I want to give him a son. Though we will be adopting as well.


Alfreda
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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-19-2007, 02:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alfreda View Post
I chose the Marriage option as well.
My husband and I want kids some day, and last I checked that was the only way to get one of your own flesh. I want to give him a son. Though we will be adopting as well.


Alfreda
A son you can dress up as a little animal and make eat his dinner out of a bowl on the floor and drink water out of the toilet? Until you get right with God and give up that "furry" nonsense, I think it's best you avoid carnal knowledge of each other. As for adopting, how cruel and selfish can you be? A child in need of adoption is best suited for a True Christian family, and if none are available, a True Christian orphanage. Anything else is just wrong.


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-19-2007, 02:44 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
Their Cooter Resurrection Unit have made me back into the Woman I used to be.
What a wonderful story, dear Talitha. However, I suspect there are some cooters which cannot be resurrected; the worn and saggy private parts of unsaved women, for example, hanging down to podgy and misshapen knees. The only "resurrection" that would help their vile bits is that which our Lord Christ endured ... well, not so much the actual resurrection as the entombment which preceded it.

The trouble is three days and nights wouldn't suffice - these cooters need to be removed from polite society forever; let us pray that modern and GODLY medicine advances to a place where the Eternal Entombment of Calloused Cooters is possible.


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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-20-2007, 01:03 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Rogers View Post
What a wonderful story, dear Talitha. However, I suspect there are some cooters which cannot be resurrected; the worn and saggy private parts of unsaved women, for example, hanging down to podgy and misshapen knees. The only "resurrection" that would help their vile bits is that which our Lord Christ endured ... well, not so much the actual resurrection as the entombment which preceded it.

The trouble is three days and nights wouldn't suffice - these cooters need to be removed from polite society forever; let us pray that modern and GODLY medicine advances to a place where the Eternal Entombment of Calloused Cooters is possible.
I suppose Mrs. R's good manners and True Christian™ charity prevented her from calling out Lilith and Rachael Van Helsing by name, but there is hardly a reason to exercise discretion when referring to those two, who are legendary (in some circles) for hosting the Ukrainian navy and whose cooters, it is said, have acquired the burnished patina of fine Italian shoe leather. Jesus Himself would be brought to tears, trying to make headway with either of them.


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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-20-2007, 01:51 PM



What truly fabulous bumper stickers, Sister M&Ms!!! Where might I pick up several dozens of them?

Why so many? Of course I will give unceasingly of my time and effort for Pasta's campaign and so "share" with Sinners in the Wal*Mart and Home Despot parking lots
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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-21-2007, 05:04 AM

I chose the 'do what I please' option. I would have chosen within marriage as I won't be cheating, however I noticed you added 'never for pleasure' and, well, sorry, but no can do.
I won't be making a chore out of something very enjoyable.

Quote:
for hosting the Ukrainian navy and whose cooters, it is said, have acquired the burnished patina of fine Italian shoe leather. Jesus Himself would be brought to tears, trying to make headway with either of them.
The whole navy?
My, my....I doubt Lil and I would be half as spry if we'd entertained the entire navy.



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!

Last edited by Rachael Van Helsing; 05-21-2007 at 05:07 AM.
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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-21-2007, 06:21 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SUV View Post


What truly fabulous bumper stickers, Sister M&Ms!!! Where might I pick up several dozens of them?

Why so many? Of course I will give unceasingly of my time and effort for Pasta's campaign and so "share" with Sinners in the Wal*Mart and Home Despot parking lots
The Landover Gift Shop is a great place to buy them, as the money raised goes right to the church's coffers! If you can't wait until you next go, most Bible stores in Freehold carry them. For some reason Bibletopia on Hester Ave. doesn't, though I don't know what Sam Jessop has against making money.


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

Blogging for CHRIST!
Witnessing for GOD on YouTube!
All a-Twitter for Salvation!
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My Ladies of Landover profile!
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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-21-2007, 10:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
The whole navy?
My, my....I doubt Lil and I would be half as spry if we'd entertained the entire navy.
So is it officers up, or what?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria View Post
The Landover Gift Shop is a great place to buy them, as the money raised goes right to the church's coffers! If you can't wait until you next go, most Bible stores in Freehold carry them. For some reason Bibletopia on Hester Ave. doesn't, though I don't know what Sam Jessop has against making money.
I heard he's still hoping for a Deacon Fred/Bobby-Joe ticket. It's unlikely, but I can understand the appeal; there's something about the thought of Brother Bobby-Joe having the launch code for America's nuclear arsenal that just sends a shiver of excitement down my spine. Glory!


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Larry Lee Larry Lee is offline
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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-21-2007, 12:40 PM

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Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
there's something about the thought of Brother Bobby-Joe having the launch code for America's nuclear arsenal that just sends a shiver of excitement down my spine.
...or something. It's hard to explain, but I'm very sure that Brother Bobby J's finger on the button would serve as a deterrent to even the most self-sacrificing of Mudslime terrorist.


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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-21-2007, 01:09 PM

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Originally Posted by Larry Lee View Post
...or something. It's hard to explain, but I'm very sure that Brother Bobby J's finger on the button would serve as a deterrent to even the most self-sacrificing of Mudslime terrorist.
It does harken one back to President Nixon's "madman gambit" with the Vietcong. And THAT worked out well.

Quote:
The "Madman" scenario

A "madman theory" was devised for negotiating with the government of North Vietnam. In this gambit, Henry Kissinger would emphasize, in his meetings with representatives of North Vietnam, the volatility of President Nixon's personality. He would warn the North Vietnamese that Nixon was unpredictable, that he could fly into a rage, and that this could happen in response to either North Vietnamese military action or intransigence in the peace talks. A similar theme was sounded by Kissinger in his dealing with the American press. Over the course of the term, Nixon provided a number of examples to give credence to Kissinger's claims: secretly bombing Cambodia, bombing Hanoi and Haiphong, invading Cambodia, and mining Haiphong harbor.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-24-2007, 02:16 PM

I have made my pledge. Total, absolute, white-as-snow purity.
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Glendora Christianson Glendora Christianson is offline
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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-26-2007, 03:21 PM

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Originally Posted by Aethereal View Post
I have made my pledge. Total, absolute, white-as-snow purity.
I am so encouraged by your pledge. I know you have some serious spiritual challenges, but there is potential for salvation. As one of only two Pure as Snow Virgins, you may need some extra help from our all-knowing Lord who has provided us with the help we need.


Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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Larry Lee Larry Lee is offline
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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-27-2007, 10:29 PM

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Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson View Post
I am so encouraged by your pledge. I know you have some serious spiritual challenges, but there is potential for salvation. As one of only two Pure as Snow Virgins, you may need some extra help from our all-knowing Lord who has provided us with the help we need.
Your modesty is a tribute to Jesus Himself. Everyone at Landover knows that Mother Glynndie is the authority, when it comes to promoting male purity.

The Thorn In The Flesh™ Paul Buster®, which our own Glendora Christianson devised one afternoon when Skeeter was showering every 45 minutes, has proved to be a purity-lifesaver for an untold many. Nowadays, it's unthinkable for an unmarried True Christian™ man to escort a sister anywhere, unless his Paul Buster® is firmly "locked and loaded", Praise God!



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Sailor Chaos (On Moderation) Sailor Chaos is offline
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Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-27-2007, 10:49 PM

BORING. Purity..heh...I chose the last option.
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Old Iron Crotch Old Iron Crotch is offline
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Old Iron Crotch is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Old Iron Crotch is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Old Iron Crotch is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Old Iron Crotch is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Old Iron Crotch is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Old Iron Crotch is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Old Iron Crotch is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Old Iron Crotch is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Old Iron Crotch is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Old Iron Crotch is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Old Iron Crotch is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! - 05-28-2007, 03:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Lee View Post
Your modesty is a tribute to Jesus Himself. Everyone at Landover knows that Mother Glynndie is the authority, when it comes to promoting male purity.

The Thorn In The Flesh™ Paul Buster®, which our own Glendora Christianson devised one afternoon when Skeeter was showering every 45 minutes, has proved to be a purity-lifesaver for an untold many. Nowadays, it's unthinkable for an unmarried True Christian™ man to escort a sister anywhere, unless his Paul Buster® is firmly "locked and loaded", Praise God!


Actually, there's an adult toy store on I-10 that sells them.
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