[Sally Paulson]

What does a proper lady wear to a pornographic-movie marathon at a church? (I think these used to be called "Stag parties"? Do those still happen? Are they still called that? And what does a lady wear to them?)

Don't get me wrong - I really want to do what President Trump told us to do - to watch a sextape that allegedly exists, in which his Miss Universe catfight rival does something disgusting. It's just that, well, this is all so new.



It would be easiest if we could get some agreement over just what video is the sextape in question. Watching them all is just too much. I just don't have the time to watch Big Booty Housekeepers #8, Mr. Buttfiend goes to Argentina, and Tight As A Chihuahua #2 in one sitting.

Also, where are we to do the watching? Are we watching it in church? A friend says Tight As A Chihuahua #2 is missing a soundtrack, so the organist could give it the silent-movie treatment...Again, it just feels so strange, like I don't know the Republican party any more. If only it had happened slower...Say, one election we tolerate a New Yorker, the next election we tolerate someone who was involved in gambling...I knew at some point a Republican presidential nominee would urge us to watch pornography, I just didn't expect it to happen so soon.

I hope I don't sound too critical. I think Donald Trump will do a great job representing women, or at least the 12-year old girls who he learned his debating tactics from. "You're a fat slut and I hope everyone watches your sextape" will be a devastating negotiation tactic when he's getting Angela Mercel to go along with his planned break-up of NATO. After all, who needs NATO when we are defended by as skilled a catfighter as Donald Trump?