Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Church Forums > Straight 4 Jesus! (Back Door Christians)
Reload this Page Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber
Straight 4 Jesus! (Back Door Christians) At LBC, we will cure your perversion of choice (even if we have to stone you).

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
(#1)
Old
Straight 4 His Love's Avatar
Straight 4 His Love Straight 4 His Love is offline
Forum Member
Forum Member
 
Posts: 34
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Charleston, South Carolina
Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.
Question Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber - 11-15-2014, 08:35 PM

Hello Faithful!

As outlined in another post, I have a special annex to my home which I use to confine myself when the demons of homer attraction threaten to commandeer my sexuality. Currently, “The Bullpen” has what I figure are the essentials for an effective dehomerization session–four sound-proofed, windowless walls; a time-release door and handcuffs. The sheer misery of being handcuffed to a wall in a pitch-black room for two days is a wonderful antidote to the sins of lust and pride. Indeed, as the Good Book itself tells us:

1 Peter 5:10 – But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.

Romans 5:3-5 – And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

Still, I think the time I spend in “The Bullpen” isn’t being used to its full potential. I’ve estimated an average stay of about two and a half days. It seems to me there’s an opportunity here for some quality one-on-one time with the Good Lord’s Word as well as a healthy helping of suffering.

The trouble, of course, is that my hands are chained to a wall when I’m in The Bullpen, so I can’t use them to turn pages.

But, this being the 21st Century, I think I can overcome this technical hurdle with a little divine inspiration! Maybe a couple of HDTVs continuously displaying quotes from the King James Bible, or perhaps GODLY sermons on a 24/7 audio loop… with voice activated playlists?

The room itself is about 16’x16’ with a 10’ ceiling. The main door obviously takes up part of one wall, and I’m going to be chained on the opposite wall. That leaves a fair amount of space to work with, though.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Yours in Christ


If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed. – John 8:36
Reply With Quote
(#2)
Old
VictoryOS's Avatar
VictoryOS VictoryOS is offline
True Christian™ Beauty Queen
 

One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year True Christian™ True Christian Beauty True Christian Lady True Christian Homemaker True Heterosexual™ Best Pie Tin Tither Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Most Obedient Eats the Most Pork Christian Love Victory Over Sex True Republican Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Prayer Warrior Kirk Cameron Fan Club Paula Deen Negro Support Group Touched by Jesus Stamp of Approval Roper Crossburn Trumpette Home Schooled Saved 5 Years 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College Long service medal, 3rd class Trump of GOD Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus GLORY Saved 10 Years

 
Posts: 5,447
Join Date: Dec 2007
VictoryOS will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!VictoryOS will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!VictoryOS will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!VictoryOS will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!VictoryOS will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!VictoryOS will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!VictoryOS will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!VictoryOS will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!VictoryOS will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!VictoryOS will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!VictoryOS will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber - 11-16-2014, 01:55 AM

Maybe you could put a large piece of artwork on your wall depicting a strong, manly, verile Jesus to remind you that you are manly as well, not some butt hugging liberal queer.



Let Jesus Christ Wash You Clean
in 2016

Reply With Quote
(#3)
Old
Straight 4 His Love's Avatar
Straight 4 His Love Straight 4 His Love is offline
Forum Member
Forum Member
 
Posts: 34
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Charleston, South Carolina
Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.
Thumbs up Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber - 11-16-2014, 02:49 AM

Oh my, Sister! You know, I think that could go right on the ceiling! Just imagine: Every time I looked towards the heavens to beseech the Lord for forgiveness and release from my torments, I would receive a MANLY vision of the Savior himself to steel my resolve!

Keep those ideas coming!


If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed. – John 8:36
Reply With Quote
(#4)
Old
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson's Avatar
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is offline
Forum Member
Forum Member

Friend of Jesus Heaven Bound Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Prayer Warrior Best stoning bucket A for Effort One Year/1000 posts Donald Trump 2016! Trumpette Mission to Messico 2015 Witch Hunt Award

 
Posts: 1,330
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: In the kitchen
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber - 11-16-2014, 09:23 PM

Also, hire a woman to paint verses on a wall about men's role in the world, and on how to be a husband and a strong, manly soldier in the Lord's army. My two, cents are now in.


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
Reply With Quote
(#5)
Old
Straight 4 His Love's Avatar
Straight 4 His Love Straight 4 His Love is offline
Forum Member
Forum Member
 
Posts: 34
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Charleston, South Carolina
Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.
Lightbulb Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber - 11-19-2014, 01:50 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson View Post
Also, hire a woman to paint verses on a wall about men's role in the world, and on how to be a husband and a strong, manly soldier in the Lord's army. My two, cents are now in.
Hmm... yes... perhaps in glow in the dark paint...


If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed. – John 8:36
Reply With Quote
(#6)
Old
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson's Avatar
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is offline
Forum Member
Forum Member

Friend of Jesus Heaven Bound Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Prayer Warrior Best stoning bucket A for Effort One Year/1000 posts Donald Trump 2016! Trumpette Mission to Messico 2015 Witch Hunt Award

 
Posts: 1,330
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: In the kitchen
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber - 11-19-2014, 02:30 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Straight 4 His Love View Post
Hmm... yes... perhaps in glow in the dark paint...
That sounds homer and childish. "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." 1 Corinthians 13:11


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
Reply With Quote
(#7)
Old
Straight 4 His Love's Avatar
Straight 4 His Love Straight 4 His Love is offline
Forum Member
Forum Member
 
Posts: 34
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Charleston, South Carolina
Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.Straight 4 His Love has got mom and a couple of family members to click the rep button.
Lightbulb Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber - 11-19-2014, 02:57 AM

Ah, but you see, glow in the dark paint assures that, even in the event of a complete power outage, the wondrous verses of the Lord will shine radiant in the midst of darkness.


If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed. – John 8:36
Reply With Quote
(#8)
Old
Witch Hammer's Avatar
Witch Hammer Witch Hammer is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

2010 Witch Hunt Award One Year/1000 posts 2011 Witch Hunt Award True Christian Provider™ award Pro-Life True Christian™ Friend of Jesus Christian Love Real American™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Porn Resistant Prayer Warrior Proud Niglet Sponsorer Pro-Life True Republican Saved 5 Years Tell her once Christian Love The Lord’s Witness Wound Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Flat Earth Persecuted Sons of Liberty Guns, Guts and GLORY! Prayer Warrior Proud Niglet Sponsorer Hatchet Child Rearing Award Punched the most queers Eats the Most Pork Kirk Cameron Fan Club Mission to Korea Uber Angels Driver Trump of GOD Donald Trump 2016!

 
Posts: 1,716
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: In the midst of His Will®
Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber - 11-19-2014, 05:36 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Straight 4 His Love View Post
Hello Faithful!

As outlined in another post, I have a special annex to my home which I use to confine myself when the demons of homer attraction threaten to commandeer my sexuality. Currently, “The Bullpen” has what I figure are the essentials for an effective dehomerization session–four sound-proofed, windowless walls; a time-release door and handcuffs. The sheer misery of being handcuffed to a wall in a pitch-black room for two days is a wonderful antidote to the sins of lust and pride. Indeed, as the Good Book itself tells us:

1 Peter 5:10 – But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.

Romans 5:3-5 – And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

Still, I think the time I spend in “The Bullpen” isn’t being used to its full potential. I’ve estimated an average stay of about two and a half days. It seems to me there’s an opportunity here for some quality one-on-one time with the Good Lord’s Word as well as a healthy helping of suffering.

The trouble, of course, is that my hands are chained to a wall when I’m in The Bullpen, so I can’t use them to turn pages.

But, this being the 21st Century, I think I can overcome this technical hurdle with a little divine inspiration! Maybe a couple of HDTVs continuously displaying quotes from the King James Bible, or perhaps GODLY sermons on a 24/7 audio loop… with voice activated playlists?

The room itself is about 16’x16’ with a 10’ ceiling. The main door obviously takes up part of one wall, and I’m going to be chained on the opposite wall. That leaves a fair amount of space to work with, though.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Yours in Christ
Hmmm...a dehomerization chamber, you say? I would suggest the following:

1. Hire a "no nonsense" task-master, fraught with barely subdued menace, to sit on a folding chair in the corner, beneath a single, bare 40w bulb, just to make sure you keep on the straight and narrow and don't start wimpering like some kind of sissy. Somebody with an authoritative demeanor; cop hat, dark glasses, waxed moustache, leather pants, bull whip.

2. The Godly audio loop sounds like a dandy idea. Can you imagine the rich baritone of Kevin Sorbo alternating with the thin, reedy tenor of Kirk Cameron, as they cheerfully read through the chapters of Leviticus, slowly but surely deflating your satanic priapism while driving hordes of demons from your rectum. An ambient track of the screaming and moaning of damned souls playing in the background might add some appropriate atmosphere, too.

3. Place alligator clamps on your nipples, testes and foreskin* whilst you meditate on Christ's sacrifice, so you can experience, if only fractionally, some of the pain the Savior has suffered on your behalf. Perspective, my friend.

4. If none of these stop-gap measures work out for you, you need to turn yourself in to a senior Pastor a.s.a.p., so that a Godly stoning can be scheduled.

* if applicable
Reply With Quote
(#9)
Old
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson's Avatar
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is offline
Forum Member
Forum Member

Friend of Jesus Heaven Bound Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Prayer Warrior Best stoning bucket A for Effort One Year/1000 posts Donald Trump 2016! Trumpette Mission to Messico 2015 Witch Hunt Award

 
Posts: 1,330
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: In the kitchen
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is veritably a saint destined for a place in Heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber - 11-19-2014, 05:43 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Straight 4 His Love View Post
Ah, but you see, glow in the dark paint assures that, even in the event of a complete power outage, the wondrous verses of the Lord will shine radiant in the midst of darkness.
True, but make sure you also know the verses by heart.


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
conversion, gay, medicine, prayer, technology

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here



Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved