WEDDING BELLS! - Christian Wedding Forum A seasonal forum hosted by cyber Bridesmaids, Daisy Mae Johnson, Sister Mary Etheldreda and Sister Talitha . Groomly advice is also offered from Best Man, Pastor Zeke! |
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Spiritual Mother of LBC
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,341
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IA
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Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 01:47 AM
I know this is an uncomfortable subject, but in every wedding there is the FIRST FART. I know some grooms expect their new wife to never fart, while all good brides know men fart, but know better than to complain.
Anyway, I think it would help our newlyweds if some of us more seasoned spouses would share their experiences and wisdom.
Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 02:05 AM
let me just say that I HAVE NEVER PASSSED air infront of Zeke since we got engaged back in 2005, but sadly, he is not discrete in some bodily functions.
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Spiritual Mother of LBC
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,341
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IA
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 02:31 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde
let me just say that I HAVE NEVER PASSSED air infront of Zeke since we got engaged back in 2005, but sadly, he is not discrete in some bodily functions.
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Thanks to Elmer's Coon Dog, I have never passed gas in my 25 years of marriage. I do wonder if we should stop buying Old Roy dog food from Walmarts.
PS I keep a body pillow between Elmer and I so I can block his barn burners.
Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 02:41 AM
Lol, maybe not eat much? A woman should be drinking more tea, anyway.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 309
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Greenbush, Georgia
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 05:36 AM
A good TC wife should WORSHIP her man's flatulence! That's some Godly poot coming out of her man's sphincter and it's the wife's duty to inhale in a great, BIG whiff the moment she detects that delightful odor.
There's nothing to complain about. I let out great, big, juicy man farts all the time. There nothing at all bad about the smell. In fact, Creation Scientists have proven that WOMEN LOVE IT!! Last time I ripped a big one, Sister SUV practically fainted out of ecstasy when she passed by!!!
There's nothing like a great big "whodunnit" to keep the wife in her proper place!
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God Squad
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 09:40 AM
Now you women quit blaming the men. We know you really does it!
Men, maybe it's time to quit being gentlemen and taking the blame.
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 12:54 PM
Keep it plugged up with a Cork.
You can then go discreetly into the Bathroom to release it in it's proper place.
I happened upon this handy little gizmo a few years back. It suites the purpose well, although I've absolutely no idea what it really is.
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 309
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Greenbush, Georgia
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 01:23 PM
Looks awfully like one of those "pineapple" things that grace the outdoor balustrades of my mansion.
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Director of European Evangelical Outreach A Shining Example of Christ's Love Quite possibly the only decent, heterosexual human being in the whole of Europe
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,677
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: A frictional country
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 01:28 PM
I guess there are some advantages to being a widower.
Genesis 22:5
And Abraham said unto his young men, Abide ye here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and worship, and come again to you.
Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 01:29 PM
Pineapples are acidic, and I think that is a counter-fart agent.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 01:47 PM
Wait a second....Is this why I keep finding bottles of " Beano" on my doorstep, in the collection plate, and on my car?
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Exposing DEMONS for Jesus
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,705
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: On a long, strange trip
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 02:41 PM
"Beano"? What is this "Beano" of which you speak? I've never heard of "Beano." What is the purpose of this "Beano"?
Mark 16:17 And these attesting signs will accompany those who believe: in My Name they will drive out demons.
1 Kings 21:14 Then they sent to Jezebel, saying, Naboth is stoned . . .
A SPIRITUAL WARFARE PRAYER:
Father, In Jesus' Name, I take the Blood of Jesus and break the power of all witches, warlocks, wizards, satanists, sorcerers, wiccans, pagans, and any other source, and all of their rituals off of us. With the Blood of Jesus, I erase all evil lines drawn on our liver. . .
LANDOVER BAPTIST DEMON HUNTING PERMIT #00666-27
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God Squad
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 02:59 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justina Thyme
"Beano"? What is this "Beano" of which you speak? I've never heard of "Beano." What is the purpose of this "Beano"?
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We are far too tolerant of women around here.
Try clicking on the word "Beano" in the Great pastor's post.
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Posts: 11,024
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: At the Gift Exchange Counter
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 03:24 PM
I think the Mens fart a whole lot more than we do, Mother Glynndie - and show off about it, too!!!
Rumor has it that the idyllic 32-day Marriage of Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman
broke up due to his propensity for sticking her head under the covers to give her a "Dutch Oven"
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 390
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 04:01 PM
My dear Tom told me once that semen is a good cure for flattulence. Better than spilling it at least. I don't know whether or not it works, but we have tried numerous times. He says it works. I always trust what he says.
Jesus is watching you masturbate.
Nunquam concumbo dutch puellus intra clunis.
numquam futuis, puer Batavica ad te asinus praesepe
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Exposing DEMONS for Jesus
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,705
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: On a long, strange trip
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 04:33 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield
We are far too tolerant of women around here.
Try clicking on the word "Beano" in the Great pastor's post.
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I followed your instructions, Brother Eliot, and I want to assure you that I have never laid eyes on this product before, much less left it on Pastor Ezekiel's anyone's property for them to find. Never. I swear.
Mark 16:17 And these attesting signs will accompany those who believe: in My Name they will drive out demons.
1 Kings 21:14 Then they sent to Jezebel, saying, Naboth is stoned . . .
A SPIRITUAL WARFARE PRAYER:
Father, In Jesus' Name, I take the Blood of Jesus and break the power of all witches, warlocks, wizards, satanists, sorcerers, wiccans, pagans, and any other source, and all of their rituals off of us. With the Blood of Jesus, I erase all evil lines drawn on our liver. . .
LANDOVER BAPTIST DEMON HUNTING PERMIT #00666-27
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Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
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Posts: 22,727
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 09:09 PM
I think the essence of a True Christian™ is to be modest, and generally socially considerate. Some things you know are right, and where there is doubt, look to the Unsaved Trash™. If they are doing it – it is wrong.
Silence is the correct way of proceeding in the presence of flatulence is Am:5:13: Therefore the prudent shall keep silence in that time; for it is an evil time.
And was it not Amos himself who said, Am:5:21[…], and I will not smell in your solemn assemblies.
If there is a noise to be made, The Lord of Hosts will do it: 1Th:4:16: For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: - and the even the dead will be aware of it.
I attach a picture of Unsaved Trash hurrying to his newly wed wife – I believe most will see why breaking wind is not big or clever:
Last edited by Ezekiel Bathfire; 08-02-2008 at 01:39 PM.
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 10:00 PM
He plays the butt trumpet?
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Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
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Posts: 22,727
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-18-2008, 10:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde
He plays the butt trumpet?
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Who is to explain the ways of the Unsaved?
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LBC psychiatric outpatient. Progressing nicely.
True Christian™
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Posts: 989
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IA
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Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk... -
06-19-2008, 09:04 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs.Momma Glynndie
I know this is an uncomfortable subject, but in every wedding there is the FIRST FART.
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Mrs.Momma Glynndie, please tell me that not true, cuz now i gots a schmelly image in my brains of all landover ladys doing fartz , an i thawt they were like the Queen of englands she never ever done a fartz in her hole life, she never even pooped, an if she did it would schmell like a bootiful rose just like our poops will when we gets to heevens i wonder if lord Jesus did fartz, were they silent an violent, were they fartz of wrath or were they loud an proud like angel trumpets in revelations? these be the big kwestions in my brains rite now
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assasination, fart for jesus, fire in the hole, global warming, methane, musky turnip, peeling the paint off the wall, pfweet, the dog did it, toothless speech, trouser trumpet, wet one |
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