Necromancy, Séances and the Service of Christ.
Pastor Ezekiel Bathfire reminisces and witnesses for the improvement of his readers.
First published in Freehold Truth and Light October 1976
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When I was younger, I served in the U.S. Department of Faith in The Christian Ministry for Investigation of the Paranormal and Darkies. My introduction to the work was almost instant. In May ’58, I arrived at the office in downtown Winston-Salem at 8 am and by 8:30 am was being driven by Chief Inspector Les Barnstorm to the house of a claimed medium contrary to Leviticus 20:6.
Barnstorm filled me in on the details: “Your cover story is here.” He handed me a sheaf of documents. “Read these and learn everything in them before we get there! It’s a difficult job to get an appointment with the woman – she’s careful, very careful: she checks everything for traps! She’s a handmaiden of Satan so she’ll know all the tricks.”
I scanned the documents with some surprise, “But these are my educational qualifications, application form for the job, transcript of my interview, and the results of my medical and background checks…”
-“We didn’t send her those actual documents, that’d be stupid, just the details and we said that you work for the Department of Agriculture. She has no idea who you are. You’re just some Joe who wants to forfeit his soul by defying God.”
I glanced at the documents again. “But it’s not a cover story, is it? It’s a real story…”
“Ha!” Barnstorm jeered, “And that is the very last thing she will ever expect! Don’t you see, Bathfire, it’s perfect! … And as you’re a greenhorn, it’s less for you to learn.”
In fact, I had a lot to learn, but I was proud to be a member of this professional organization dedicated to the service of God and the Salvation of America.
Chief Inspector Barnstorm handed me a newspaper cutting of an advert, adding, as he did so, “The perp is a widow-woman, a suspected witch, aged about 73 who offers, for $3.75, coffee and a look at her collection of hamsters,” he paused, “but her real motive is revealed in the next line of the advertisement.“ He prodded at it as he drove. “Free séance, optional”. This, explained Barnstorm, was the loophole in the anti-witchcraft laws – It was a Federal Offense to make a charge for séances!
He pulled the black Lincoln to the side and explained I was to be the stooge. I would join the line outside the house, see the hamsters, drink the coffee, and take the séance option! I was not to worry – I’d be fully wired, everything would be recorded, and the safe-word would be “Mahershalalhashbaz” He emphasized that if I said that word
at any stage, prayer warriors would divert all their prayers directly to me. He handed me a tiny copy of KJV1611 and told me to “conceal it about your person for protection and inspiration.” He then had me turn out my pockets to ensure there was nothing to compromise my cover and said, “May the Power of Christ protect you” and pushed me out the car and drove off.
I stood on the sidewalk of a suburb that had seen better days but probably had not partaken in them. The Lincoln suddenly stopped and reversed. The window came down “1225 Everson!” The Lincoln drove off again – stopped again and reversed. The window came down again “First on the right, about 8 houses up.”
There were only three others in the line, all women and, as you might stand among lepers, I stood there among them trying to avoid catching their iniquity. I did wonder what Jesus would have done, but then realized that Jesus didn’t have much spare time for standing in line, what with His being God/the Son of God, raising the dead, evading the Sanhedrin, and giving smart one-liners to Pharisees.
The line was let in at 9:15 sharp and we were ushered through to a backroom by a wizened dwarf with a lurch and a smell of embalming fluid. I took a seat and forced myself to nod at the others.
Time passed, and I felt in my pocket of the miniature KJV. Surreptitiously, I took it out and glanced at the page for inspiration and courage. I could see nothing – the print was microscopic. As nobody seemed to be looking at me, I brought it nearer my eyes. When my thumb was touching my nose, I could see I had opened it at the First Book of Samuel, Chapter 28! The very chapter in which Saul meets the witch of Endor! I strained my eyes more hoping for something a little more precise and, as I squinted, a crackling voice suddenly said “Your time has come Mr Bathfire! I am Samantha.” I started in terror, and, from the floor, saw a small woman in black standing smiling over me with a complexion like a walnut!
- “Oh, excuse me!” she cleared her throat and her voice became normal, “I must have shocked you. Come with me – I’ll show you my hamsters.” Damn! That woman was good – a real professional – not a step out of place.
I followed her into the next room and the miasma of the unmistakeable smell of hamsters. I made a note to investigate why God gave them that smell if he intended them for children. I was quite fascinated by the way one hamster (that curiously shared its name with my wife) was eating its babies in accordance with Deu:28:53-57 and Lev 26:29… Perhaps hamsters are Christian… they are, after all, from near the Holy Land.
As I was making mental notes, Samantha, who had been giving the history of each hamster, coughed lightly and invited me through another door. The somewhat over-furnished room was dimly lit by an oil lamp in one corner and the drapes were drawn. There was a circular table covered in dark red velvet and, on either side, two chairs. She gestured to the nearer and I sat on it.
She went to a table by the window: “Coffee?”
-“Er… thank you.”
She poured.
-“Sugar and cream?”
She held a jug hesitantly.
-“Please.”
She placed the cup and saucer before me and took her seat opposite. “Well, Mr Bathfire, what do you think of my hamsters?”
-“Well, Miss…”
-“…Call me ‘Samantha’.”
I could sense the situation becoming rather personal and it was my turn to clear my throat, “Ahem. Well … Samantha … I found them quite fascinating they raise some interesting questions about…”
-“About God, life… and death, Mr Bathfire?”
Immediately, I felt out of my depth. Nothing in my hour and a quarter of being with the Christian Ministry for Investigation of the Paranormal and Darkies had prepared me for this. To be frank, I was stunned! This was weird! Other than being a perfectly normal citizen, I had done nothing to indicate my deep faith in The Lord. I became curious but retained enough sense not to show this. “Death? Why did you mention death?”
Samantha smiled. “Mr Bathfire, you have recently been bereaved: we are all curious as to the welfare of the dead. Did not your mother die 9 months, 15 days ago at her home in Coralville, Iowa City?” The tone was mild and sympathetic but if I had suffered shocks before, this was a hammer-blow! But she continued, “The hamsters, Mr Bathfire, I am in touch with them on a spiritual level… They seem to be a link between this world and the next.”
I tried to comprehend how this would work and why God would cause an animal to “talk” – but then God had talked out of Balaam’s ass; the serpent in Eden had spoken as had the Beast from the Sea in Revelations 13! Why not a hamster? “But Miss…, Samantha, how would an animal know what we do not know?”
-“A mystery indeed Mr Bathfire, and one that your mother says she asked you three days before she died...”
Another hammer-blow. My mother had asked that question! She had remarked that she felt Jesus was calling her, and that Abigail her cat was sad and listless – she had linked the two and decided that Abigail knew she was about to die. I had foolishly put it down to that dead squirrel I saw the beast eating, but now I was not so sure. Samantha was watching me, “Mr Bathfire,” she said, “I feel that the hamsters wish to give you some confidence in their God-given gift. Let me assure you, here I am no more than a poor conduit. May they go ahead?
Dazed, I said “Yes”.
What followed was remarkable, those hamsters knew everything about me! Everything! My schooling, the time at Landover Christian University, my grades, my hard-earned skills and capabilities and experience, my medical history, and details of my background that I thought had remained secret – including the misunderstood incident with the sport-coach at summer camp!
When she stopped, there was silence for a while, and then she said “The hamsters wish to bring more news from your mother, who, it appears, has some advice for you. Would you like to hear it?”
I nodded – I could not speak.
-“Your mother says she is happy where she is and she hears you when you think of her. She knows you are worried by being in a new city but that all will turn out for the best but that you would be happier nearer Des Moines. There is a man whose name has an ‘s’ in it – listen to him, he will give you good advice. She says the house you have now will not be big enough and you will move. She says that you should watch out for your health. She has told you about eating cookies.”
There was much more that came from my departed mother. It was all just the sort of thing that she said and her advice was warming and comforting.
When she had finished I was entranced and amazed – the dead, contrary to the Book of Ecclesiastes (which has always seemed to me to be light on God) do know things. Quite unconsciously, I let out, as a sign of my astonishment, the word “Mahershalalhashbaz” – I admit that I did not immediately feel the power of the prayers, but I am sure it was there.
I left Samantha and 1225 Everson in a sort of trance – the type you get after listening to a three-hour sermon by Pastor Zeke. I wandered back to the place I’d been dropped off and waited. I had been there about 10 minutes when the black Lincoln pulled up. I got inside.
-“How did it go?” I asked
Barnstorm looked disappointed. “Not well. A judge would throw what we’ve got out of court.”
I was surprised “Why?”
-“We operate within the law. God’s Law. You recall the witch of Endor?” I nodded, “Yeah well, You will recall that Saul was waiting for a message from God about the Philistines and Urim hadn’t worked so he found a necromancer, a witch. And the witch conjured up the spirit of Samuel. The witch realize this was the death penalty but Saul gave her assurances, and Samuel appeared.
The main point here is that Saul knew The Lord had deserted him, we at the Christian Ministry for Investigation of the Paranormal and Darkies know we are Saved and the Lord never deserts us. We cannot sin, so what you did was not, for you, an offense.
-“But the woman, Samantha – my mother spoke through her – she was in touch with the dead. She told me things only my mother would know – she spoke to my mother! Her mind was invading Heaven – surely that is the darkest crime?”
Barnstorm smiled, “Ah, Bathfire, you’ve a lot to learn – examine the case: consider the holes that a democrat lawyer would pick in what you have just said. When you get back, listen to the tapes. The evidence is clear, she did no evil; she was not in touch with the dead nor did she raise the dead. It was the hamsters, all along, and there is nothing in the Bible to prevent a hamster from contacting the dead or a hamster then communicating with one of God’s children.”
We drove through the Winston-Salem morning, the radio softly playing Christian country music on WXLBC and, as Barnstorm slowed to throw a handful of Chick Tracts out in front of the Catholic church, he turned and said, “You have been baptized in God’s Work – it is never an easy passage. There are dispiriting times – Satan sometimes wins in the short-term, but Jesus always wins in the end. Look, I’ve got another case here that will interest you: A farmer up by Boonville has reported that his cows have gone dry and a pig spoke curse words to him – More witchcraft! You’ll gain a lot of experience.”
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Ah, those were the days. As it happened we were blessed with many children and the house did turn out to be too small. I cut down on cookies as per my late mother’s advice and felt better for it. And, as you can see, I did move and I’m back in Landover. Oh, and did you notice that there was “a man whose name has an ‘s’ in it”? Barnstorm! Well, I did listen to him, and he gave me good advice.