Good evening. While I am hard at work on my next record, the folks over at the label have put together some new items featuring yours truly.
First we have the official Roper Crossburn Phone Case. This is of no use to me personally as I do not possess a cell phone nor any electronic device allowing my whereabouts to be tracked. However, most of you are not High Value Targets like myself. This handsome, durable case features a handpainted design and can be ordered to fit any phone on the market. Buy one, you won't regret it.
Next is the official Roper Crossburn Tote. This bag also features a handpainted portrait of none other than me, Roper Crossburn. It comes in size Small, Medium, Large, and Extra-Large so whatever your need may be, we have a bag to fit it. To give you an idea of its capacity, the Medium has room for one human head, the Large two heads, and the Extra-Large three. The Small could probably fit two hands, or part of a head. Of course these are only examples. You know better than me what you're gonna put in the bag.
Next up is a bona fide Roper Crossburn Pillow. It comes in all shapes and sizes and you can even get it without the stuffing. Why, I do not know. Maybe you've got your own stuffing or you'd rather cut holes in it and wear it as a mask. If you did that, I'm sure some of your wives would find it easier to... well, I won't go there. I caution against lying facedown on this Pillow as it will render you unable to draw breath.
Last but not least we have a Roper Crossburn Shower Curtain. This is the largest item in stock and in fact the largest portrait of my Handsome Face you will find on sale anywhere. It excels at its intended purpose of spray containment and can also be used to wrap and dispose of objects up to seven feet in length.
Remember that all purchases will go towards the Roper Crossburn Fund, a charity that aids me in my ongoing legal battles, allowing me to continue recording fine Country Music for years to come. So head on over to the shop and fill up your cart.
God bless you.