Are you trying to Jew Jesus, people?!
There have been false rumors spreading about
some people contracting the virus from me and Donnie, and that we should get self-isolated and tested for the disease.
Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? (Matthew 8:26).
Jesus would never allow some sort of disease enter me or Donnie! We are both in perfect health.
I have also heared some rumors that some members of our church have been thinking about not coming to the church this Sunday out of fear of contracting the virus.
Seriously, people? You say you believe in Jesus but you don't believe He will protect you?
Quote:
Psalm 91:2 I will say of the LORD, [He is] my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
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Even snake handlers have more faith than you people!
Anyone who does not show up to church this Sunday can say goodbye to Landover Baptist forever!
And when you are there, don't you even
THINK about weaseling out of shaking hands and embracing your Pastors and other members of the congregation.
And
DO NOT use hand sanitizer, it makes your hands all yucky and sticky.
And remember this: if anyone shows signs of the sickness afterwards, it is
ALL YOUR FAULT, SINNER!
Disease is a sign of God, sent by Him to those who displease Him. God sees you and judges you!
Quote:
Deuteronomy 28:58-61
58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, The Lord Thy God;
59 Then the Lord will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance.
60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee.
61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the Lord bring upon thee, until thou be destroyed.
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So don't displease God, keep coming and keep the tithes coming, too! The jet isn't going to pay for itself, is it?!
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)