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Jesus' eternal love Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-02-2023, 08:12 AM

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

HO!!

Once again, my very well-earned 11-month vacation is finally over and it's time for another swell day and night of plastic gifts and accessories! Yay! THIS the Thread where you can post all you wishes for me to deliver! As always, I'll deliver based on your naughty vs. nice balance. Little Giorgio Nikolopopopupouloulos of Thessaly, Greece, has been very nice and he'll get a genuine plastic replica of the Discobolus of Myron. Little Giorgio does enjoy his male figurines so much, dunno why. Vlad the Putin has been very naughty so I'm hoping that Jesus will deliver him piles, but probably little Jesse will fail once again, so I'm ready for a shipment of a selection of ripe durian to his door.

A not-so-gentle reminder (I am quite certain that once again, you'll forget this as always): I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees), I do not deliver world peace but nor does Jesus, as we can deduce based on this year's debacles. Nor do I deliver abstractions, such as falling in love or revivals or love potions unless approved by FDA or your local equivalent. I do not deliver hovercrafts with eels, too messy and Rudolph might slip. Plastic toys are a sure hit and highly recommended. Pets - well, that depends.

Ho ho ho! Just ask and let all your dreams come TRUE!


Merry Christmas, everyone from your all-time favorite supernatural being. Me. Santa Claus! I deliver whether you believe in me or not. Beat that, Jesus!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-02-2023, 12:49 PM

Most offensive! I suspect you are nothing more than a shill for the Shenzhen “Lucky Golden Dragon Toy Company”, producers of cheap copies of fine American goods that age as well as a banana in a fruit bowl.

I don’t think anyone believes that Christmas is a time for excess. Furthermore, the silent majority of God-fearing Americans need and want nothing more than a quiet day of thanksgiving to contemplate the chance of the return of immortality to the human race. They do this simply by accepting Jesus and thanking him quietly. This, I will remind you is free and so that the poorest can afford it even after tithing generously.

I would note that Jesus is on duty 24/7/365 granting us those boons that help us through life and towards death. He is not there to give us what we want, but to give us those things that show the Glory and Power of God to us and others. These are not necessarily symbols of health or wealth, and are often things that are painful or depressing yet they still show a God Who is powerfully engaged in our life and the lives of others.

It is somewhat ironic that you hail from the North Pole where the night is 6 months long – it will simplify the task of putting your rubbish where the sun don’t shine.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

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Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Jesus Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-02-2023, 02:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Santa Claus View Post
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
HO!!
Once again, my very well-earned 11-month vacation is finally over and it's time for another swell day and night of plastic gifts and accessories! Yay! THIS the Thread where you can post all you wishes for me to deliver! As always, I'll deliver based on your naughty vs. nice balance. Litte Giorgio Nikolopopopupouloulos of Thessaly, Greece, has been very nice and he'll get a genuine plastic replica of the Discobolus of Myron. Little Giorgio does enjoy his male figurines so much, dunno why. Vlad the Putin has been very naughty so I'm hoping that Jesus will deliver him piles, but probably little Jesse will fail once again, so I'm ready for a shipment of a selection of ripe durian to his door.

A not-so-gentle reminder (I am quite certain that once again, you'll forget this as always): I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees), I do not deliver world peace but nor does Jesus, as we can deduce based on this year's debacles. Nor do I deliver abstractions, such as falling in love or revivals or love potions unless approved by FDA or your local equivalent. I do not deliver hovercrafts with eels, too messy and Rudolph might slip. Plastic toys are a sure hit and highly recommended. Pets - well, that depends.

Ho ho ho! Just ask and let all your dreams come TRUE!

Merry Christmas, everyone from you all-time favorite supernatural being. Me. Santa Claus! I deliver whether you believe in me or not. Beat that, Jesus!
Blah, blah, blah — typical twaddle, as seems to be the norm at this time of the year, when believers are trying to celebrate the birth of the and !

Isaiah 9:6 "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty , The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."

Why, oh why can we not just go back to the days when was the reason for the season, and not this commercialized "Santa" nonsense that constantly bombards us in the face?!





(Mrs.) Isabella White

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Default Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-02-2023, 02:42 PM

I don't like the sarcasm about plastic toys. The Real Santa gives plastic because it's good for business. Kids love the colors and China likes the landfill volume.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-02-2023, 03:48 PM

Dearest Santa

I wish you would branch out and include silicone toys. I would have a wish list a mile long. By private mail I have sent you for your eyes only a few pics of the silicone in which I am most interested. I must add that I think Jesus is the reason for this season regardless of your attempts to take it over.


Thank you for respecting my wishes to keep my holiday list as our secret.


My great granny can vouch that I have always been a good boy and so can the men to whom I have ministered all these years.




Your little friend
BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Jesus' eternal love Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-03-2023, 05:10 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
Most offensive! I suspect you are nothing more than a shill for the Shenzhen “Lucky Golden Dragon Toy Company”, producers of cheap copies of fine American goods that age as well as a banana in a fruit bowl.

I don’t think anyone believes that Christmas is a time for excess. Furthermore, the silent majority of God-fearing Americans need and want nothing more than a quiet day of thanksgiving to contemplate the chance of the return of immortality to the human race. They do this simply by accepting Jesus and thanking him quietly. This, I will remind you is free and so that the poorest can afford it even after tithing generously.

I would note that Jesus is on duty 24/7/365 granting us those boons that help us through life and towards death. He is not there to give us what we want, but to give us those things that show the Glory and Power of God to us and others. These are not necessarily symbols of health or wealth, and are often things that are painful or depressing yet they still show a God Who is powerfully engaged in our life and the lives of others.

It is somewhat ironic that you hail from the North Pole where the night is 6 months long – it will simplify the task of putting your rubbish where the sun don’t shine.
P'tit Zeke! My young protegé! Why is your silly tantrum about last year's gifts still going on? You know that we DO have a return policy. All properly filled complaint forms can and will be assessed if returned in person to the North Pole Central office by 2 January each and every year. We would only have needed your personally signed petitions in triplicate. SO why did you not return the fleshlight if it did not actually emit light? I s'pose me elfs would have been happy to replace it with a working one but you insisted on keeping it for "other stuff" just the same as the year before and the year before that... I don't really know what all the plastic thingies that I deliver do, but the elfkind would have been kind enough to assist you in its use.

Any way, it's time for you to grow up. You need some fancy accessories to brighten up your gloomy teenage existence. This real genuine plastic statue of Unca Donald and some ground squirrels will make your day and become the focal point of your mantelpiece and provide a perfect conversation piece when you entertain your young friends.



On second thoughts, it could be fiberclass but not for internal use in either case. See you ho soon!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-03-2023, 05:16 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabella White View Post
Blah, blah, blah — typical twaddle, as seems to be the norm at this time of the year, when believers are trying to celebrate the birth of the and !

Isaiah 9:6 "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty , The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."

Why, oh why can we not just go back to the days when was the reason for the season, and not this commercialized "Santa" nonsense that constantly bombards us in the face?!

'Bella 'Bella 'Bella ho ho ho my ho! No more extra-de-lux-virgin-extra-fancy vinegar assortments for you! You need to cut down drinking your dissolved pearls concoction. I know just what you need this Christmas and for the unforeseeable future of no second comings of any supernatural rivals but the repeated comings of me time and again each and every year. Here it is. See you, lass!



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-03-2023, 05:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold View Post
... plastic toys... plastic... good ... colors and China...
Tl;dr. Young Johny still the little Mayor of the typo name. No worries:



AND here it is.
  • Plastic
  • Good
  • Colors, lots of 'em
  • Probably made in China (aren't they all?)
A self-remedy kit for typographical errors. Just play with it just like the way you played with yourself previously and you'll be righting shakesbeer in a weak!



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-03-2023, 05:36 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Horse Guy View Post
Dearest Santa
This is starting very well! Take note, girls and boys!
Quote:

I wish you would branch out and include silicone toys. I would have a wish list a mile long. By private mail I have sent you for your eyes only a few pics of the silicone in which I am most interested. I must add that I think Jesus is the reason for this season regardless of your attempts to take it over.

Thank you for respecting my wishes to keep my holiday list as our secret.

My great granny can vouch that I have always been a good boy and so can the men to whom I have ministered all these years.

Your little friend
BrotherLarry
Ok Ho. I must admit that my first thought was "who is this kid" but then I remembered! It's the Horse Guy! Swell, Jolly Good, Gee! My dear little playmate! Always the one with the most exotic requests. Now, this one is a challenge. Of course I can deliver silicone but your 1000-some-page letter was just too much for my weary eyes, and I needed a very voluminous snifter of brandy after the first few lines. So, I discussed your case with Jesus, the Hogwarts sorting hat, Aquaman, the Enclave of Dusty Cardinals, and your primary school teat-cher, the retired Miss Pearlybottom. We shared some very large snifters of brandy (Miss Pearlybottom took the extra bottle home) but, still unsure of your preferences, it was decided to provide you with the extra-large make-it-yourself kit of liquid silicone to make whatever you want.



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!

Last edited by Santa Claus; 12-03-2023 at 07:49 AM.
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Rebuke Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-03-2023, 02:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Santa Claus View Post
'Bella 'Bella 'Bella ho ho ho my ho! No more extra-de-lux-virgin-extra-fancy vinegar assortments for you! You need to cut down drinking your dissolved pearls concoction. I know just what you need this Christmas and for the unforeseeable future of no second comings of any supernatural rivals but the repeated comings of me time and again each and every year. Here it is. See you, lass!

Oh, you will pay for that, you ... you Satanic ingrate! was made for people just like you — and, especially for you, since you have ruined the true meaning of mas, what with forever trying to cash in with your crass commercialistic appeal, to obliterate the truth that is what this season is all about!



And, another thing — while I'm at it: kindly refrain from tempting our dear children with your horrid lies. Our parents have enough to do as it is, with protecting the kiddies from the LIE-beral agenda. We don't need you to infiltrate their peaceful homes with your various enticements at this blessed mas season!



I will be thanking you to leave this sacred site, and to take your sinful shenanigans straight to — where you belong — immediately!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-03-2023, 04:18 PM

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Oh, you will pay for that, you ... you Satanic ingrate! was made for people just like you — and, especially for you, since you have ruined the true meaning of mas, what with forever trying to cash in with your crass commercialistic appeal, to obliterate the truth that is what this season is all about!

And, another thing — while I'm at it: kindly refrain from tempting our dear children with your horrid lies. Our parents have enough to do as it is, with protecting the kiddies from the LIE-beral agenda. We don't need you to infiltrate their peaceful homes with your various enticements at this blessed mas season!

I will be thanking you to leave this sacred site, and to take your sinful shenanigans straight to — where you belong — immediately!
Ho 'Bella! Another one of you so-o cute tantrums! But... No can do. I don't deliver people nor to nor fro nor abstractions, such as people's perception of Christmas. You know, it is your lot who decided that my services were much more fun and much more reliable than Jesus's! And they are!

That said, I often deliver what you need, not necessarily the things that you state you want. So, after consulting my supernatural Dream Team, that is, the Ghosts of Christmases Past and Future, Helen Keller's dark glasses, Frodo, the Trapp Family Singers, and the broken soul of your primary schoolmarm the late Mrs. Fanny Hardmeat-Aßmann, we unanimously found just the suitable (and plastic) gift to supplement the previous one! Ho ho ho!



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-03-2023, 05:51 PM

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Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold View Post
I don't like the sarcasm about plastic toys. The Real Santa gives plastic because it's good for business. Kids love the colors and China likes the landfill volume.

A salient point, Mr Mayor. Additionally, as unsaved people buy what they can't afford for their screaming little hellions at Christmas, that fills the accounts of those supplying the credit, as the interest racks up. Keeps things ticking over in good working order. Matthew 5:42


Unsaved, but trying.
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Default Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-03-2023, 07:03 PM

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Originally Posted by Unfalsifiable View Post
A salient point, Mr Mayor. Additionally, as unsaved people buy what they can't afford for their screaming little hellions at Christmas, that fills the accounts of those supplying the credit, as the interest racks up. Keeps things ticking over in good working order. Matthew 5:42
So true, Unfalsifiable. This Santa impersonator makes light of plastic toys, as if he spends his summers craving wooden trains and putting real hair on dolls.

What makes this country great is intelligent Christian businessmen tempting the lessors with shiny plastic merchandise and credit with which to purchase. We True Christians™ praise Capitalism know the threat of evil socialism.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-03-2023, 09:02 PM

Hello Santa. In exchange for the usual fee (I assume your bank details haven't changed), could you give our property a miss again this year, please? Because there is only so much plastic tat that a civilised True Christian™ family can dump on someone else's land.

Thank you. Oh, and Ho Ho Ho and all that.


Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-04-2023, 02:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unfalsifiable View Post
A salient point, Mr Mayor. Additionally, as unsaved people buy what they can't afford for their screaming little hellions at Christmas, that fills the accounts of those supplying the credit, as the interest racks up. Keeps things ticking over in good working order. Matthew 5:42
Falsy, Boyo! You need to rethink your strategy. Sucking up to Johny-boy will not add to your gift count, nor will it help you get into an intimate relationship with Jesus. But, unlike J., I am most merciful and will deliver you a guidebook, which will be utterly important to you and reveal its usefulness as the trillions of years of eternity slowly unravel before you eyes.



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-04-2023, 02:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold View Post
So true, Unfalsifiable. This Santa impersonator makes light of plastic toys, as if he spends his summers craving wooden trains and putting real hair on dolls.

What makes this country great is intelligent Christian businessmen tempting the lessors with shiny plastic merchandise and credit with which to purchase. We True Christians™ praise Capitalism know the threat of evil socialism.
Johny, my ho-boy. You're young and impressionable, but you'll eventually get what I represent: disinterested delivery of small parcels of plastic happiness year after year. The toys, books and the booze are really there, not in an abstraction that you call the "sky" or whatever.

You need legos. Here's Woody. You definitely need to have a Woody after all these years.



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-04-2023, 02:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
Hello Santa. In exchange for the usual fee (I assume your bank details haven't changed), could you give our property a miss again this year, please? Because there is only so much plastic tat that a civilised True Christian™ family can dump on someone else's land.

Thank you. Oh, and Ho Ho Ho and all that.
NO can do. I cannot be bribed and, furthermore, I was recently entertained by HM Charlie-3 - and his wallet contains a lot more spondoolicks than yours. Anyway, we had a nice evening at the B'ham (not Beckham), Cam made a dazzlingly good supper of bangers and mash, we shared some XL snifters of good brandy, cigars and funny anecdotes about Andrew. It was decided that each and every household in the UK needs to have a pair of plastic HM figurines. Here's yours! Utterly realistic, genuine plastic, jolly fun for the whole family!



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-04-2023, 09:52 AM

Hi Santa


I did ask over on the Help forum whether anyone could send me a copy of Kirk Cameron's "Saving Christmas". Unfortunately, it dosen't seem likely that this will occur.


You do seem to have a minor part in the movie, so no doubt you were comped a few copies. You do feature in many movies, so just to jog your memory, this is one I'd be interested in dropping down my chimney. Please ignore the brazen slutty reactor, but I could not locate a clean version.




Phil & Family


58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD; 59 Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance. 60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee. 61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bringk upon thee, until thou be destroyed.


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Jesus' eternal love Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-04-2023, 11:12 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phil Ander View Post
Hi Santa

I did ask over on the Help forum whether anyone could send me a copy of Kirk Cameron's "Saving Christmas". Unfortunately, it dosen't seem likely that this will occur.

You do seem to have a minor part in the movie, so no doubt you were comped a few copies. You do feature in many movies, so just to jog your memory, this is one I'd be interested in dropping down my chimney. Please ignore the brazen slutty reactor, but I could not locate a clean version.

Phil & Family
It's young Phil! How swell! Jolly wonderful! Utterly exciting! But... Why don't you just order it from a streaming service at $3.99? I won't post a link here, as I am not one to promote any companies or products, especially any movies where I starred (and, indeed, they are many and I usually do a wonderful job, though "Bad Santa" required lots of method acting and losing 200 lbs of body weight). So, you "like" Kirk Cameron, don't you! I know you do, as I consulted the Easter Bunny, the Pitcairn Island Council, illuminated adenochrom users associate & co, and your primary school teacher Miss Bareham-Titchbum. They all agreed that your collection of full frontal mandom cinematic scenes is more or less complete, so I'll just drop a nice Kirk poster down your chute!




AND because you are always one of my favorites, I'll also include a Kirk action figure. In. Plastic. Genuine! You cannot thank me enough, I know. Ho ho ho.




Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: Santa's Christmas Shenaginans 2023! The Bestest Threadest EVER! - 12-04-2023, 04:47 PM

The Trump-shaped buttplug/candle from last year was excellent, thank you.

But I don't know why, Baby Santa Jesus, I don't feel I deserve a present this year. I just haven't really, you know, done anything amazing this year. My tithing has suffered and that weighs on me too. What can you give me to make me feel better? (And I'm not interested in world peace don't worry.)


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