[Bertha Vanacion]

Dear Brothers, Sisters,and Interested Unsaved Trash:

I have been away from you all for some time now due to a case of state-sponsored religious persecution and desperately need your help. I was arrested, here in Texas if you can believe, for bringing His word to one who had gone astray. Let me tell you my sad story that it may bring compassion to your heart.

My next-trailer neighbor, Lula Ray, is unsaved trash of the worst type. She listens to Neil Diamond AND Barry Mannilow; you know the type. Her 27 year old son, who it turns out is a homo, moved back in with her after "serving" in Iraq. She SAYS he was fighting for our freedom in the Army, but as a male nurse I'm sure he was only in there so he could diddle poor crippled soldiers while they slept. They let anyone in to the military these days! So, when this first happened I -- at great risk to my own health -- went over and told Lula that bringing her son to live in this community was putting everyone at risk of AIDS (trailer walls are thin!) and she just up and slams the door in my face! When other people from our church told her basically the same thing, she called us some names that are too nasty to mention on here, then stormed out. Now, I'm sure that after reading all this, you'll come to the same conclusion as I did: Lula Ray was possessed by a demon. The local police wouldn't do anything about Lula and her queer boy son, so, for the goodness of us all, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

One day in early June, I sat in my Chevy Caprice off to the side of the highway waiting for Lula to cross the road to the mailbox. When she went out for her mail, I jammed my foot down on the gas, my KJV bible firmly held in my left hand. As I approached the mailboxes, I swerved my car into the opposite lane of traffic and then, going at about 35 to 40 miles an hour, I extended my left arm out the window and whacked Lula May upside the head with my bible, screaming "Demon, I cast thee out!"

In our sick world, no good deed goes unpunished. I was arrested by the police and charged with vehicular assault. Apparently, Lula May's jaw was shattered in the drive-by thumping. Also, one of my Lee Press-On-Nails was dislodged as I was casting out demons, and it ended up in her right eye (which she CLAIMS she can no longer see out of, but I'm pretty sure she's faking it for sympathy). I explained the situation to the judge and pointed out that, if anything, Lula May ought to be paying ME for the kindness I'd done to her. That godless man responded by ordering me held on $50,000 bail! After much sacrifice, including the pawning of my beloved "Love is..." collectible statuettes, I was able to secure enough funds to get out on bail. I now face a criminal trial, and Lula May has said she will sue me for everything I have.

Dear friends in Christ, I need your help in these desperate times. My 1st amendment rights are being totally ignored in all this, no doubt the result of Obama's total suppression of religious freedoms. I'm thinking that I could try and get the Lee Press-On-Nail company to pay for my costs, since a lot of this is really their fault. The bible publisher might also be to blame as there was no warning sticker on the front to tell me that thumping above 25 miles per hour might result in injury.

What should I do? Can any of you find it in your hearts to send money to help with my legal and hairdo-related fees? Anything you can spare would be greatly appreciated. Most of all, I need your prayers. For the first time in my life, I truly can appreciate what Jesus suffered on the cross in His last days on the Earth.

Please Help!!!

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by Bertha Vanacion

Anything you can spare would be greatly appreciated. Most of all, I need your prayers. For the first time in my life, I truly can appreciate what Jesus suffered on the cross in His last days on the Earth.

Please Help!!!

You have my prayers

[Bertha Vanacion]

Thank you dear sister! Do you also maybe have $500 you could spare (in Christ's name, of course)? I'll put my mailing address up on here so y'all can send a check.

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by Bertha Vanacion

Thank you dear sister! Do you also maybe have $500 you could spare (in Christ's name, of course)? I'll put my mailing address up on here so y'all can send a check.

You see, I give to Jesus (through His favorite church) all of the money that I don't use for basic living expenses (my basic living expenses include but not limited to weekend getaways to Hawaii, cleaning lady, gardener, gasoline for my Hummer, antique jewelry, and stuff like that).

However, I could send you some of my award-winning blueberry cheesecake:


(Michigan wine visible in the background not included).



It is made with real cream cheese and real butter. I don't believe in substitutes.

[MitzaLizalor]

There are just so many demons loosed in the world these days. Growing up—even in Australia which was actually founded by demoniacs cast out from England—there were hardly ever any seen.

Well, there were probably quite a lot of demon possessed individuals lurking around or even parading themselves, indeed I can clearly remember one in particular I have foprgotton what I was going to say

..oh, yes ..but they would all be occupied by one (or more) of quite a small number of actual demons. I don't think I need to list them. Epileptics and those men who wore narrow trousers and very pointy toed shoes

were generally just rounded up and thrown in either the river or the lunatic asylum, in the latter case usually a palatial affair due to the satanic bias of our administration, but princely treatment notwithstanding they were rarely seen on the streets.

Well, some streets had more than others. But thanks to Jesus I managed to grow up well balanced and sensitive to the needs of sinners. That is to say, their need to repent.

But now it is quite different. Myriad upon myriad of demons have been released and run team handed along highway or byway, utterly indifferent as to whom they might occupy. Anyone will do. There are vices aplenty beyond the comprehension of any normal person, except Pastors I accept that they encounter the full spectrum in the course of their Ministry and are protected by Jesus, and stepping out at just about any time, any day, any place what a dreadful pageant is presented. They don't even bother to conceal what they're thinking. They might as well have big fluoroescent arrows above their heads "pervert" or "blasphemer" or "evolutionist" or "" or just start performing there in the street.

Your plight, Mrs Vanacion is one I can understand in these the Last Days and I noticed that you do some part-time Walmart greeting. Have you considered including a little note with your greet? Perhaps not passed to every customer but I believe that Jesus should guide your choice in the matter, just as He protects The Pastoral Team, and He knows all about that dreadful son.

II TIMOTHY 3
1 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,
4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.
6 For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts,
7 Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
8 Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith.
9 But they shall proceed no further: for their folly shall be manifest unto all men, as theirs also was.
KJV

[Mary Etheldreda]

Miss Vanacion, I promise as the LORD is my witness, I will do everything I can for you. As prayer is the most powerful force in Heaven and on Earth I will pray as hard as I've ever prayed! This kind of persecution is just so horrifying to see in God's Beloved Nation. I know you are being blessed by it as we speak, even if the flesh feels naught but anxiety and worry and itching from the bed bugs in jail, but I will join my prayers with yours anyway!

I know!

I'll start a Prayer Chain in your honor RIGHT NOW! I'll email the Landover Ladies Stormin' The Gates O' Heaven list, and we'll all bring your needs to the Throne of the King!

I am PRAISING JESUS in ANTICIPATION of His Miraculous Intervention!

[Pastor Ed Lowman]

Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda

Miss Vanacion, I promise as the LORD is my witness, I will do everything I can for you. As prayer is the most powerful force in Heaven and on Earth I will pray as hard as I've ever prayed! This kind of persecution is just so horrifying to see in God's Beloved Nation....

And I'm happy to be in that prayer chain, Mary!

And who needs money when prayer works so much better anyways? God tells us we will ask what we will and PRAYER is what will make it happen (John 15:7).

So there you have it, Miss Vanacion. Prayer is your answer!

Regards,

Pastor Ed

[Bertha Vanacion]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

However, I could send you some of my award-winning blueberry cheesecake:

It is made with real cream cheese and real butter. I don't believe in substitutes.

Oh my, that does look wonderful! It looks irresistible. I can't remember when the last time was that I had something that luscious and succulent in my mouth.

Mmmmmm!

[Bertha Vanacion]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ed Lowman

A

And who needs money when prayer works so much better anyways? God tells us we will ask what we will and PRAYER is what will make it happen (John 15:7).

So there you have it, Miss Vanacion. Prayer is your answer!

Pastor Ed, I'm so confused by your response! Do you mean that I should pray and then buy a Lottery ticket and then problems will go away? Or should I pray as I scratch the lottery ticket? Or should I just board a Greyhound and go to Vegas and pray while playing the slots? Which would Jesus do?

[Pastor Ed Lowman]

Originally Posted by Bertha Vanacion

Pastor Ed, I'm so confused by your response! Do you mean that I should pray and then buy a Lottery ticket and then problems will go away? Or should I pray as I scratch the lottery ticket? Or should I just board a Greyhound and go to Vegas and pray while playing the slots? Which would Jesus do?

My dear, I'm so glad you asked because this is the type of trial that serves as a means of character building (see Hebrews 12:6-17).

In all such matters, God says wait and do nothing. This was what was taught in the days of Abram when, unfaithfully, Abram doubted whether or not God would fulfil the promise of a Godly heir through his wife, but instead through his slave Hagar. The result of that detestable union was Ishmael, and generationally, the Moose-slums, his descendants (see Genesis 16:1-18:20). That single lack of faith brought us suicide bombers and women in burkas. Think about it. Doubting God's promises can have MAJOR consequences!

So, when it comes to prayer and finances, the Bible says: "If any will not work, neither should he eat" (2 Thess 3:10), which is to say: The Lord helps those that help themselves. If you've already been hitting the pavement with two or three jobs and hit up family, friends, and your local congregation for some help, then you're doing all you can.

Beyond that, when we pray to God, we essentially expect blessings in the form of some anonymous money from somewhere. We usually only know it when and if we see it, but to pretend we can predict how or even if this answer will come is presumptuous, and may indeed be blasphemous. God may have more trials for you lined up to the end that your hard times may not be over anytime soon.

Either way, we have to give God the glory since we're Christians, right? Sometimes it seems like God does nothing. But as Christians, we know that God is in control. He always has something up His sleeve!

Blessedly Yours,

Pastor Ed

[Thomas Taylor]

Miss Bertha, I will say a prayer for you. Maybe you should do the same.

Anyway, if you do get sent down for Bible thumping you can always use the time spreading the Word to the Godless masses in prison.

[Pastor Ed Lowman]

Originally Posted by Thomas Taylor

Miss Bertha, I will say a prayer for you. Maybe you should do the same.

Anyway, if you do get sent down for Bible thumping you can always use the time spreading the Word to the Godless masses in prison.

There is wisdom here.

It may be, Vanacion, that the Lord has it in His Will for you to do hard time preaching to the lezbos, bull dykes, and garden variety degenerates of the underworld that is the Texas prison system.

The Lord's Will be done, sister.

Pastor Ed

[Scott Cole]

Dear Sister I have just now private messaged you here on the forums regarding your bail money, I believe I may be able to help you out as our Lord has truly Blessed my bank account (I sued McDonald's awhile back when my Daughter 'slipped' and broke her leg when using the restroom) I may need to fly out to your place for the weekend and negotiate return payments, hopefully we're on the same page

God Bless

[Brother Larry]

Sister Vanacion,

When I left the papist dregs behind, a few (5) gold statuettes that I had collected managed to surface just yesterday as I was expanding my prayer closet. These are solid gold and should bring about $5000 as a conservative estimate. Why would I want to help you so generously? Let me tell you.

When my sister was first married, she lived in the fanciest trailer park in town, called Wheel Estates North. Her 1979 Luxurette had 1.5 baths and 2 full length mirrors. She was the envy of the community, especially when her Dodge Polara was parked out front by the realistic pink flamingoes. It was a showplace to say the least.

The problem was, there was a man across the street that went to a Unitarian meeting at the trailer park's community room each Wednesday. My sister's husband is a devout Southern Baptist and of course he made my sister convert - she obeyed him lest she face his justifiable wrath. She sought the will of JESUS every day and often spoke of her walk with JESUS when she was knitting tube tops on the front porch.

Well, one day, Mr. Unitarian walked over to my sister's Polara and put a bumper sticker on its rear end that said "All Faiths Reach Heaven." She was incensed upon finding it and immediately went down to a print shop and had a bumper sticker made that said "Unitarians Reach Hell Faster." She laughed and laughed when he found that on his Ford Fairlane since he was kicking dirt and jumping up and down like a spaz. Not to be outdone, he put a "God Has No Requirements for Salvation" sign right by my sister's mailbox (a lovely wood carving of a beaver formed the post on which the box sat). This back and forth went on for three days and finally culminated in a showdown. Police were called and the two ended up spending a couple nights in jail. I recall my sister's broken heart and I can't imagine allowing you to suffer like she did.

So if you don't mind getting money from a papist related source, I'm more than willing to part with these, the last five cathylick related items I own now that I have turned from false teachings. JESUS led me to the Landover people and they are helping me get my soul cleansed in anticipation of becoming a True Christian someday.

I can also send you money for commissary if you need a candy bar or something to get you by.

With a concerned heart and in brotherly love,
Brother Larry