[Elmer G. White]

Brethren! My marriage has now reached the Welcome state of Godly Menopause and by begetting days are fortunately over. In my happy state I have not forgotten about you, my younger Brethren, who still have to struggle with the messy Marital Duties on a monthly basis. You perform these duties in expectation of Heaven to fulfill the Commands of Jesus (Genesis 1:28). However, it is absolutely unnecessary to allocate any more time and energy into these Conjugal Relations than absolutely necessary. What is necessary? To beget (Genesis 2:24)! How to minimize the discomfort and strenuous act of begetting? How?!

I recently stumbled upon a newly-released well-researched article. It immediately felt so right and Godly and it depicted with astonishing detail the exhausting years of regular begetting that I was compelled to experience with my female spouse. A wonderful pamphlet with our best authorities in Christian fornication. Please, allow me to introduce you to...

INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
FOR THE
YOUNG BRIDE
on the
Conduct and Procedure of the
Intimate and Personal Relationships
of the Marriage State
for the
Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this
Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God
by
Ruth Smythers

Apparently written by a woman, this article still provides us with a wealth of information that can be explained to our youngsters on their wedding night. It contains everything they need to know about the art of minimizing genital contact. We begin our journey by reading the most important piece of advice ever written outside the Bible.

Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY.Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

I am so proud to announce that my female spouse never ever expressed any satisfaction of our compulsory acts of flesh. I am equally proud to announce that nor did I. My satisfaction has always been with Lord Jesus!

Psalms 17:15
As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness.

While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

Verily, Truer™ words have rarely been spoken!

1 Timothy 2:15
Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.

The women need the act of Marital Fornication for their Salvation. Jesus demands more and more Soldiers for Him. We know that these children will grow up to hate us (Luke 14:26) but that is only fair and righteous as it is Jesus's Will!

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective...

A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband.

I am, again, proud to announce that I reached this stage (once a month) with my wife by the second month of our marriage and never ever faltered.

However, we see here also a misconception shared by quite a few uneducated women: Do they actually think that their husbands want to fornicate with them?! I understand perfectly that this has been a very-well planned scheme among us gentlemen to keep our wives in control, as their sexual needs are often unsatisfiable. It has been a good strategy but should we also consider alternative options? Pretending to find our wives' bodies desirable puts a tremendous strain on the atherosclerotic hearts of True Christian™ men, and while this accelerates our entry into Heaven, it is also detrimental to our Prayer Duties (1 Thessalonians 5:17). This is something that we'll have to assess more effectively in the future.

It might be good for young wives to remain delusional about the male lust. Because of this, I find the next section of Mrs. Smythers text acceptable.

Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

These acts only concern those of the Unsaved Trash kind. However, we should be aware of this and make them appear as repulsive as they are to the young married couple. Once again, I am proud to announce that the token kiss during our wedding was the only time my lips touched the skin of my female spouse. Kissing is something I reserve for Brethren.

Don't do THIS:


1 Thessalonians 5:26
Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss.

Next, we discuss the actual act of Marital Fornication and the dangers of skin exposure.

You can keep your dog cool on hot summer days by allowing him to
use the swimming pool or by cooling him down with a sprinkler.

A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus,a minimum of flesh is exposed.

Even without having been introduced to this wonderful text, and because of my exposure to Jesus, I instinctively knew that this was the route to take when I performed the act during my pre-menopause years. Never ever did I open up my garments more than an inch of the zipper.

When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.

I am quite proud of my wife who impersonated a stiffened corpse very realistically during our monthly encounters!

Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow.

I must say that I am a bit baffled here, as it was usually I who withdrew my shriveled organ immediately after the convulsions and starting reciting my favorite verses? Perhaps it is a bit different in every household? Apparently all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Proverbs 27:15
A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.

I cannot emphasize this too much! Sexual pleasure is always false pleasure. We need to cultivate the feelings of guilt in children and unsaved trash.

Romans 3:19
Now we know that what things soever the law saith, it saith to them who are under the law: that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God.

An illuminating read and wonderful advice. I've already written to Mr. President-Elect Trump and recommended that this short pamphlet be taken as compulsory reading material from the second grade up! I am expecting his gratitude-filled response any day now!

My satisfaction is with Jesus!

Psalms 107:9
For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.


Yours on Christ,

Elmer

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Mr. White:


I think your interpretation of the act of sexual intercourse - a beautiful thing, by the way - may have been tainted. In fact, I immediately felt sorry for your partner - I assume your wife - as I read this ridiculous journey back into the dark ages. Let me explain.


G_d told us to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). The only way for humans to do so is to get down and enjoy each other's attractive bodies. According to Rabbi after Rabbi, Torah is clear about the necessity and indeed the duty of the husband to provide intimacy, food, and clothing to his beloved. (Exodus 21:10). This is not optional, it is commanded by the Almighty. And the act most certainly is pleasurable. In my more sinful days, I participated in the act quite often with a number of young, beautiful ladies. (I will be happy to provide more details of that in a private message if anyone simply asks)


There is a scant bit of truth in your ramblings. The Talmud provides a detailed schedule for men’s conjugal duties, organized by profession. While a man of independent means is obliged to sleep with his wife every day, (and this doesn't refer to SLEEP, but hot, healthy lovemaking), a camel driver is obligated only once in 30 days, and a sailor once in six months. That being said, a woman is allowed to reject her husband’s sexual advances, and Judaism forbids a man from pressuring his wife sexually.


Man is forbidden to engage in penis to vagina sex during the time when a woman is menstrual and until she has immersed in the ritual bath of cleansing. According to Arthur Green in The Second Jewish Catalog:


"Kabbalists see the very origins of the universe as a never-ceasing process of arousal, coupling, gestation, and birth within the life of a G_d who is both male and female, and proclaim this complex inner flow of divinity, described in the most graphic of sexual terms, to be the highest of mysteries.”


As you know, talented singer Madonna dabbled with Kabbalah although I am unsure if she continues to practice. Now that's a woman with whom any man would enjoy some congress!


So, rather than ruin sex for the young people of your congregation and the world in general, why not grab your woman right now and let her feel passion! Let the true intent of the sex act glorify G_d instead of turning it into a restrictive and dreaded act.


G_d made your body for pleasure and procreation. Don't deny Him the pleasure of watching you enjoy this most precious of gifts.


MH

[Segoosuoia]

For some reason I'm getting pictures of 1984 stuck in my head reading this post.

[Elmer G. White]

Originally Posted by Segoosuoia

For some reason I'm getting pictures of 1984 stuck in my head reading this post.

Of course you are! It was a great year that culminated on November 6, 1984!

United States presidential election, 1984: Ronald Reagan defeats Walter F. Mondale with 59% of the popular vote, the highest since Richard Nixon's 61% popular vote victory in 1972. Reagan carries 49 states in the electoral college; Mondale wins only his home state of Minnesota by a mere 3,761 vote margin and the District of Columbia.

It was indeed a magnificent year for Jesus and for the Godly U.S. of A.



It is a year we'll all remember fondly in Heaven and can re-live those moments for Eternity!

Daniel 11:3
And a mighty king shall stand up, that shall rule with great dominion, and do according to his will.




Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Segoosuoia]

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.ph...EightyFourOops. I'm a dummy. I was actually referring to Nineteen Eighty-Four, the George Orwell dystopia.http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.ph...teenEightyFour

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Originally Posted by Segoosuoia

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.ph...EightyFourOops. I'm a dummy. I was actually referring to Nineteen Eighty-Four, the George Orwell dystopia.http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.ph...teenEightyFour

How is this related to the topic of a godly marriage designed to create soldiers for Christ and heirs for your husband? This is utterly off-topic.


And onto the topic, as a lady, it is with great displeasure that I needed to fornicate with my husband to create heirs. My mother told me to lie on my back, pray for soldiers for Jesus, and think about Him. Marriage is after all, a covenant between the Lord, my husband, and myself (or to be more precise, my father who betrothed me). The act to conceive was painful, bloody at first, and thankfully, it was over soon when I was bearing my husband's fruit, as was childbirth (done naturally, of course) as commanded in Genesis 3:16 "Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."

[ELOHIMONLINE!]

Btw, great way to stop your kids from wanting to masterbate, give them a bottle of oxycodone ( not too much, just enough ) sex will never be the same again

[Elmer G. White]

Originally Posted by ELOHIMONLINE!

Btw, great way to stop your kids from wanting to masterbate, give them a bottle of oxycodone ( not too much, just enough ) sex will never be the same again

Dear uninformed person,

Why would anyone need morphine derivatives to fulfill God's Commandments? Simple Prayer and choosing Jesus are quite enough.

Titus 2:12
Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world;

Jesus wants us to strive for righteousness, not to use some obscure shortcuts to bypass the actual conversion to His Will!


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[ELOHIMONLINE!]

Originally Posted by Elmer G. White

Dear uninformed person,

Why would anyone need morphine derivatives to fulfill God's Commandments? Simple Prayer and choosing Jesus are quite enough.

Titus 2:12
Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world;

Jesus wants us to strive for righteousness, not to use some obscure shortcuts to bypass the actual conversion to His Will!


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

Opiods are regularily prescribed by big Pharma, granted it wasnt right, but it it taught me a powerful lesson, sex is not for the uninitiated, though many have access to it few can truly reap its benefit.

[Onmyknees4God]

As a newly married woman I am absolutely thrilled to have been directed to this forum!!

I have been playing the harlot and had intercourse 3 times last week but I assure all of you, it shall not happen again! God hold me accountable and keep me from my sinful ways!!


Praying Philippians 4:13 for the next time I consider indulging his fleshly ways.