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Default Hatchet Undercover: Old Age Homes - 08-18-2010, 01:33 AM

I wanted to see what really goes on at retirement homes, so I decided to perform an undercover investigation. I am exceptionally fit and young-looking, so, much like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire, I had to sit in a makeup chair to transform into a passable senior citizen. Three hours and one latex mask later, my transformation was complete:



Although I was crossdressing, I knew that Jesus approved. Unfortunately, I liked my new look so much that I spent the rest of the day sashaying and making kissy faces in front of the mirror and never got around to doing any undercover work. Nevertheless, after diligent research and scouring the Internet for pictures taken in what I assume to be retirement homes, I have made some wild guesses and reckless assertions.

Old age homes have become hotbeds of lechery. Widows and widowers live in dangerous proximity, unable to resist the temptation of wrinkled flesh. People who have led decent, God-fearing lives suddenly find themselves being sucked--quite literally--into wild, geriatric orgies that almost certainly involve Bengay.


Never use Bengay for erotic purposes. Even if Jesus forgives you, your private parts never will.

The proliferation of assisted living facilities has our nation's elderly fornicating at an alarming rate, and now scores upon scores of our precious old people are going to Hell. Keep your aging parents out of these places of hedonism. Their souls depend on it!



This grandmother has more to worry about than age spots and arthritis. She has AIDS thanks to this mustachioed septuagenarian.



Here is a group of senior citizens enjoying the camaraderie of singing around the piano just before an interracial debauch.



This elderly man is exhausted after a long day of Bingo and copulation.


Next in the Hatchet Undercover series, I infiltrate the American public school system as a popular high school senior.
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Default Re: Hatchet Undercover: Old Age Homes - 08-18-2010, 02:23 AM

Daddy used to call these places "Heaven's waiting room."


2 Chronicles 7:14
14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land Australia.
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Default Re: Hatchet Undercover: Old Age Homes - 08-18-2010, 03:04 AM

Brother Hatchet is absolutely correct. No True Christian™ should ever be put into a nursing home, ever! They are nothing but hotbeds of sin for horny geriatrics to debauch themselves before they die. If you have an elderly parent you cannot care for anymore, do the humane thing and keep them out of a home. Instead it is best to find the cheapest studio apartment in the city (check high-crime areas and buildings about to be condemned), give them some food and money, then walk away for six months. Old people are surprisingly self-sustaining.

Nursing homes are nothing more than cathouses for aged prostitutes and their johns. I should know. One of my many varied careers was working in "environmental services" (aka poo-cleaning) in some rundown nursing home in Cleveland. I was having old ladies try to jingle my junk while I changed their bed pans and some old guy wanted me to hold down some old hag and let him rape her because he was too weak himself.

I've had better jobs doing coal mining and carnival shucking.

Quote:
Porn calms Danish seniors, staff say

Caregivers in Copenhagen have found that pornography and prostitutes have a greater calming effect on their elderly patients than traditional medical treatment such as drug therapy.


Staff at the Thorupgaarden nursing home in the Danish capital have been broadcasting pornography on the building's internal videochannel every Saturday night for several years. And if videos and dirty magazines don't relieve the tension, residents can ask the staff to order a prostitute for them.
Quote:
Slate.com

There's no reason to think that nursing-home residents would be any less frisky, if left to their own devices. After all, we're talking about a mixed-sex population living in close quarters with almost endless amounts of free time. Already, staffers routinely field patient requests for personal lubricants, pornographic magazines, larger-size beds, and prescriptions for Viagra. And that's with the 1.6 million elderly residents who came of age before the sexual revolution. Within a few decades, nursing homes will be replete with the desires and expectations of almost 7 million liberated baby boomers.
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An Affair To RememberShe was 82. He was 95. They had dementia. They fell in love. And then they started having sex.

Bob's family was horrified at the idea that his relationship with Dorothy might have become sexual. At his age, they wouldn't have thought it possible. But when Bob's son walked in and saw his 95-year-old father in bed with his 82-year-old girlfriend last December, incredulity turned into full-blown panic. "I didn't know where this was going to end," said the manager of the assisted-living facility where Bob and Dorothy lived. "It was pretty volatile."




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Default Re: Hatchet Undercover: Old Age Homes - 08-18-2010, 08:49 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet View Post


Never use Bengay for erotic purposes. Even if Jesus forgives you, your private parts never will.
okay you are need make warning in bigger letter. I was not read this and now my genital are feel like dish at greek restaurant.

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Default Re: Hatchet Undercover: Old Age Homes - 08-18-2010, 09:12 AM

I feel it is my duty to make sure that everybody knows that the "mustachioed septuagenarian" from Old Man Hatchets first post has nothing to do with me. Even though I admit that there are some similarities between me and that fine looking (but very evil) gentleman.




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Default Re: Hatchet Undercover: Old Age Homes - 08-18-2010, 09:52 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet View Post

This elderly man is exhausted after a long day of Bingo and copulation.
Oh the silly, randy old fool! Serves him right. You know, Brother Hatchet, there are an awful lot of elderly people in that man's position -- in hospitals, hospices and whatnot, hooked up to expensive medical machinery -- and now we know why! Entirely self-inflicted. I am ashamed to be a senior citizen, due to the unbridled selfishness of my generation. How the younger generations put up with us I do not know.

As for those oldies hogging all the medical equipment, I say unhook them, push them off those comfy hospital beds, boot them out the door. Leave them to their own devious devices. Their master the devil takes care of his own, so let us not waste any time feeling sorry for them. They don't deserve our compassion nor our charity!


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Default Re: Hatchet Undercover: Old Age Homes - 08-18-2010, 10:34 AM

Hospitals and old age homes are for gays and sissies. No True Christian™ man would ever go to any of these. We just suffer and die, like we are supposed to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet View Post
This elderly man is exhausted after a long day of Bingo and copulation.
This is horrible . People over 40 are not supposed to have sex! You raise your children, get rid of them and wait until you die and go to Heaven. Sex is never part of that.

I applaud you for doing these horrible things to investigate this for us.


5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Hatchet Undercover: Old Age Homes - 08-18-2010, 05:17 PM

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Originally Posted by Hitoshi View Post
okay you are need make warning in bigger letter. I was not read this and now my genital are feel like dish at greek restaurant.

Isn't that plate awfully large?


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Default Re: Hatchet Undercover: Old Age Homes - 08-18-2010, 10:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hitoshi View Post
okay you are need make warning in bigger letter. I was not read this and now my genital are feel like dish at greek restaurant.
Hiroshi! You vile little monkey! Did they let you out of GITMO early?

I'm the one who turned you in, I just wanted you to know that.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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