Psalm 36-40
Psalm 36
1 The transgression of the wicked saith within my heart, that there is no fear of God before his eyes.
Wicked people have no fear of God. Stupid wicked people! Don't they know that all things come from the LORD! That rash on their willy is a direct result of God deciding that they are wicked and deserve to have it burn while they are peeing. If they aren't afraid of the LORD when he makes fire shoot out of their johnson for their sins, when will they learn fear?
4 He deviseth mischief upon his bed; he setteth himself in a way that is not good; he abhorreth not evil.
David was apparently horny when he wrote this one. Of course, what kind of mischief
can one do on their bed? Spilling their own seed? Man on Man?
6 Thy righteousness is like the great mountains; thy judgments are a great deep: O LORD, thou preservest man and beast.
If the great deep is the oceans, where did the Jews learn about the Deep? They biggest body of water they ever encountered would be the Mediterranean sea.
7 How excellent is thy lovingkindness, O God! therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of thy wings.
Friends, isn't the greatest reward that we can receive be heaven. How great is it, that regardless of how much wealth, power, prestige, trophy wives, that our enemies receive, we ultimately know, that they will be in hell, while we're in heaven. PRAISE JESUS!
12 There are the workers of iniquity fallen: they are cast down, and shall not be able to rise.
We get the ultimate reward, they get the ultimate punishment. I don't need superficial things, I'll have all I need in heaven, they'll have nothing but torture for eternity!
Psalm 37
1 Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity.
Once again, David didn't get the shiny new bicycle, so he wrote a song.
2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.
Not THAT green herb!
4 Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Well, so long as those things are part of the LORD's plan. God is like Santa, eventually, you'll get what you want, or he'll wait long enough until you don't want that thing anymore.
9 For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.
Jesus, sort of "borrowed" the beatitudes.
11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
But they are just a bunch of meek's so the wicked will probably just go kick their asses and take it back.
16 A little that a righteous man hath is better than the riches of many wicked.
I'd rather have my small pittance and be right, than be Bill Gates headed towards hell!
35 I have seen the wicked in great power, and spreading himself like a green bay tree.
Go PACKERS!!!
Psalm 38
What the HELL was going on in the psalmists life during this one?
3 There is no soundness in my flesh because of thine anger; neither is there any rest in my bones because of my sin.
Sounds like he's diseased.
5 My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness.
EEEW, stinky wounds.
7 For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease: and there is no soundness in my flesh.
Holy crapola, it's a venereal disease!!!
11 My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off.
I'm not gonna touch that thing, and NO, you can't put it in me!
19 But mine enemies are lively, and they are strong: and they that hate me wrongfully are multiplied.
If you are going to play "hide the kosher sausage" you need to wrap it first!
Psalm 39
1 I said, I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue: I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me.
I hope this doesn't have anything to do with the previous psalm... because first a loin disease, and now sinning with his tongue, and he's into all kinds of kinky things with a horse bridle! I saw something like that once on cinemax and it didn't look like fun!
8 Deliver me from all my transgressions: make me not the reproach of the foolish.
What could be worse than being scorned by stupid people?
Psalm 40
2 He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.
That God, he's great!
4 Blessed is that man that maketh the LORD his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
Banks will fail, but God's
S'n'L will never fail.
9 I have preached righteousness in the great congregation: lo, I have not refrained my lips, O LORD, thou knowest.
Anyone can preach to the choir, but it takes a special person to stand on the street corner and tell people about their sins!
14 Let them be ashamed and confounded together that seek after my soul to destroy it; let them be driven backward and put to shame that wish me evil.
Dear God, humiliate my enemies... thank you... amen.
15 Let them be desolate for a reward of their shame that say unto me, Aha, aha.
Does this mean all those Jewish comedians are really just out there trying to get God to damn their audiences?
So what have we learned today?
1. Stupid people don't fear God.
2. The ultimate justification is getting to see our enemies burning in hell.
3. Unprotected sex is just stupid.
4. The Psalm 39 psalmist was into some kinky stuff.
5. God, please kill my enemies
YIC
V