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flag The Landover Baptist Church Alternative Facts Handbook - 02-04-2018, 06:21 AM

Shout Glory! Praise Jesus, Donald Trump, Putin, our Mayor Johny Joe Hold and Me! After much deliberation we've finished our Alt Facts Handbook for y'all folks! NOW you can twist present the Facts of Life, Universe and Everything much better to the masses of homers and hamites. Covfefe. Study this pamphlet carefully and you'll sit even closer to Jesus when Rapture Time comes.



























Learn this by heart or writhe forever in


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Love Jesus Re: The Landover Baptist Church Alternative Facts Handbook - 02-04-2018, 05:14 PM

Thank you, Pastor, for this very informative pamphlet. The entire Christian faith is based on alternative facts (such as 6-day creation of the world, flood that covered the whole flat earth, Jonah living in the belly of a fish and not getting dissolved by stomach acids, Jesus' life and temporary death, etc). Apostle Paul masterfully captured the essence of alternative facts in his first letter to Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 3:18-20
18 Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise.
19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.
20 And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain.

1 Corinthians 4:9-10
9 For I think that God hath set forth us the apostles last, as it were appointed to death: for we are made a spectacle unto the world, and to angels, and to men.
10 We are fools for Christ's sake, but ye are wise in Christ; we are weak, but ye are strong; ye are honourable, but we are despised.

Yes! let the whole world laugh at us for believing in alternative facts! We will be the ones laughing last, when all of these people will be scorched in the eternal hellfire!

Praise for giving us all of these alternative facts to live our lives by!
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Default Re: The Landover Baptist Church Alternative Facts Handbook - 02-04-2018, 06:18 PM

There are, out there, liberals, who use "alternative to mean "expensive, stupid, inefficient" as in "alternative fuels". These usually consist of Solar panels in Newfoundland or 600 foot windmills that will take a day or two to charge your phone and then fall over in flames. Another "alternative fuel" is methane from cow's asses- I'm not sure anyone but a hippy would want to eat things cooked with "cow-gas".

I point this out as the correct meaning is given in "Websters American Dictionary of The English Language" (1832) http://webstersdictionary1828.com/ it is a Bible based dictionary and gives

Quote:
Alternative

ALTERN'ATIVE,
adjective Offering a choice of two things.

ALTERN'ATIVE, noun That which may be chosen or omitted; a choice of two things, so that if one is taken, the other must be left. Thus, when two things offer a choice of one only, the two things are called alternatives. In strictness, then, the word can not be applied to more than two things, and when one thing only is offered for choice, it is said there is no alternative.
As an example, it gives
Quote:
Between these alternatives there is no middle ground.
A hint - if a hint were needed - that references "Re:3:16: So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth." and that we should choose the Godly alternative because that will be better and right, not least of all because we know what we're getting.


(And whilst considering that, I suggest a visit to http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Bible)





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: The Landover Baptist Church Alternative Facts Handbook - 02-14-2018, 01:20 AM

PRAISE!!!
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Default Re: The Landover Baptist Church Alternative Facts Handbook - 11-07-2019, 01:33 AM

Some alternative facts about the Devils weed might be a good idea.


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Default Re: The Landover Baptist Church Alternative Facts Handbook - 11-08-2019, 03:17 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Stuart Thurmond View Post
Some alternative facts about the Devils weed might be a good idea.
Well, for starters we know that it's highly addictive. Furthermore, it only takes a few "blunts" to fatally overdose.


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Default Re: The Landover Baptist Church Alternative Facts Handbook - 11-08-2019, 03:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
Well, for starters we know that it's highly addictive. Furthermore, it only takes a few "blunts" to fatally overdose.
Amen, dear Brother Lukes. Amen! We need to take a tougher stance on this. Thanks to the Obummer days, LIE-beralism and eased attitudes have eaten their way into the fabric of our sane and sanctified society. We must stand together and defeat this trend of accepted usage of maryjuanna.

A blessed evening to you, Dear Brother,
Sincerely, Isabella W.





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Default Re: The Landover Baptist Church Alternative Facts Handbook - 11-08-2019, 03:57 PM

Greetings!

I must confess that it is no surprise to I that the white people are so badly mistaken about the ganja. Ganja is the Lamb's Bread which was sent by Jah for use in communing with him because it induces a state of relaxation and contentment that Jah is comfortable with. It grows in the earth like the food Jah has set aside for us and it is food for the mind. If the white people would use the ganja while praying to Jah and seeking guidance everyone would be more content. This is why the people of my home which is Jamaica have become some of the leading intellectuals here on Earth. The ganja will illuminate the slavish mentality and make everyone more in touch with Jah. That would be very good for everyone.

Jah Guide!
Trevor


Sing unto God, sing praises to his name: Extol him that rideth upon the heavens By his name JAH, and rejoice before him.-Psalms 68:4
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Default Re: The Landover Baptist Church Alternative Facts Handbook - 11-08-2019, 04:19 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by I Man Rastafari View Post
Greetings!

I must confess that it is no surprise to I that the white people are so badly mistaken about the ganja. Ganja is the Lamb's Bread which was sent by Jah for use in communing with him because it induces a state of relaxation and contentment that Jah is comfortable with. It grows in the earth like the food Jah has set aside for us and it is food for the mind. If the white people would use the ganja while praying to Jah and seeking guidance everyone would be more content. This is why the people of my home which is Jamaica have become some of the leading intellectuals here on Earth. The ganja will illuminate the slavish mentality and make everyone more in touch with Jah. That would be very good for everyone.

Jah Guide!
Trevor
Dear Mr. Rastafari: If by "the ganja", you are referring to that sinful plant that is commonly known as maryjuana, then I am afraid, most decidedly, that you are mistaken. Just as Eve was deceived by the devilish serpent by believing the lie that it was permissible to eat forbidden fruit, then so are you deceived by the Satanic demon that is telling you that it's fine and dandy to partake of this abominable plant. But, as you are full of rebellion, it is of no surprise that the devil has tricked you with such ease.

II Corinthians 11:14 "And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light."

Now, then, young man, I suggest, very strongly, that you study the attachment that I am leaving. As you cannot seem to find enough interest to search the wondrous for the truth in this matter, then perhaps this photo will be worth at least a thousand words to you.

Sincerely, Isabella W.





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Default Re: The Landover Baptist Church Alternative Facts Handbook - 11-09-2019, 12:15 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by I Man Rastafari View Post
Ganja is the Lamb's Bread which was sent by Jah for use in communing with him because it induces a state of relaxation and contentment that Jah is comfortable with.
Jah may like you to be relaxed, but God does not! In fact, He tells us to STAY VIGILANT so that we may see the devil coming.


Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: 1 Peter 5:8


Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered?
1 Corinthians 11:13
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