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Jesus' eternal love Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019! - 12-01-2019, 03:19 AM

Ho ho ho! Yes, it's the all-time everyone's favorite and the most popular supernatural being in the whole world! It is I, Santa! My extended vacation is over and the elfs are working on overdrive to fulfill YOUR requests for this Christmas.

Don't cry or pout, cause them elfs they're a-chekin' your antics. But my deal is a simple one. No just gotta be nice! I don't care if you believe in me or not - faith is overrated anyways - I cast righteous judgment based on your behavior. Be nice and you'll get nice things. If you have no faith in me, I'll still deliver. And if you wanna have proof you can just look and see me on the telly and I'll be there and on quite a few catalogs online and on paper. The Jesus guy can never top that!

Some basic rules remain. I don't deliver people. I don't deliver abstract concepts, such as love or eternal torment for someone who showed you a bikini ad without a trigger warning. I don't deliver body parts of endangered species including the rapidly decreasing populations of Baptists. Plastics are the most certain bid. Just get 'em Christmas Wish lists a-rollin', kids! This WINTER! Santa is COMING!! To a Chimney near YOU!!



Ho ho ho!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019! - 12-01-2019, 03:58 AM

Hello there. I would like two extra skeins of grey wool. It's so annoying, I lost a few balls, and I'm particularly distressed about it. It's only wool. I cannot finish the shawl I was knitting for my niece. The colours I request are grey and dark grey. She is a modest girl, and decent. These colors are most appropriate.


The wicked flee when no man pursueth- Proverbs 28:1

Spelling and wording corrected by friendly moderator but approved by Emily Brent herself.
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Halo Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019! - 12-01-2019, 04:35 AM

Santa

Jesus was pretty angry last year when you said you were better than Him. I don’t dare ask you for anything this year lest Christ is irritated 😣

But I still wanna know why you didn’t bring me a pony all those years. I know I have brought it up before but I don’t understand. Year after year I begged for a pony. Year after year I got underwear.

Tell Mrs. Claus I said hello. If your reindeer need dentistry before your journey this year make an appointment. I close at noon on Christmas Eve.


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019! - 12-01-2019, 05:10 AM

Guess I'll have to start paying carbon offsets for the lump of coal I get every year.



"If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." George Orwell
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019! - 12-01-2019, 05:27 AM

Ho! It's lil' Em! Has it really been only a year?! You look so much older nowadays! Did you not use the XL wrinkle cream gift card of yesteryear?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily Brent View Post
Hello there. I would like two extra skeins of grey wool. It's so annoying, I lost a few balls, and I'm particularly distressed about it. It's only wool. I cannot finish the shawl I was knitting for my niece. The colours I request are grey and dark grey. She is a modest girl, and decent. These colors are most appropriate.
Can deliver. In fact, I can do better! I'll send you a "make-your-own-wool-from-scratch starter kit for kids of all ages!

And... You've been reasonably nice so you'll also receive a make-your-own-tool-to-enable-your-public-appearances starter kit! I know it's just the thing you need!



Ho, aren't you SWEET!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019! - 12-01-2019, 05:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Horse Guy View Post
Santa

Jesus was pretty angry last year when you said you were better than Him. I don’t dare ask you for anything this year lest Christ is irritated 😣

But I still wanna know why you didn’t bring me a pony all those years. I know I have brought it up before but I don’t understand. Year after year I begged for a pony. Year after year I got underwear.

Tell Mrs. Claus I said hello. If your reindeer need dentistry before your journey this year make an appointment. I close at noon on Christmas Eve.
Ho ho ho HO! It's the Horsey Guye!
You're always welcome to treat the upper jaw front teeth of Rudolf and the gang!

But, to get into the more serious business. Did you fail to understand during all those years that I had done better. Not only did I deliver you a pony - in fact, I did much better! I delivered you the make-your-own-pony-from-scratch starter kit for kids: the whole horse genome sequenced to make your own pony from scratch! Just assemble the DNA and you'll be holding your horses in no time! Here the gift once more: the internet link to the horse genome project!



Ho ho ho ho ho! Did I hear underwear! Of course I'll deliver. For you only: some horse panties.



Aren't you a darling with your understated tantrums!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019! - 12-01-2019, 05:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
Guess I'll have to start paying carbon offsets for the lump of coal I get every year.
Didster baby! I always thought that you were the bright one. For all these years it should have been obvious that lumps of coal are just baby diamonds! You've been receiving the raw materials for the deluxe special platinum-level grow-your-own-diamonds-from-scratch starter kit year after year after year.



Just use the compressor and the particle accelerator and the lasers and the small but quite efficient nuclear reactor in the kit and you'll need an umbrella to take shelter from the diamond rain! You were always one of my favorites! The lump is on its way! Very very black, very very rich in promise. They can help you with the cutting and polishing in Amsterdam.

Ho ho ho!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019! - 12-01-2019, 04:51 PM

Miss Larguez, is that you? Don't pretend you're not impersonating Santa and using that as an attempt to sneak back to Freehold to taunt dear Mayor Hold. What's your next trick? Pretending to be Devin Nunes' cow?

Sincerely, Isabella W.



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Default Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019! - 12-02-2019, 03:42 AM

My children know damn well that I'm the one who paid for their presents, not some fat eskimo heathen. I work my ass off supervising my employees as they run my motel, and I'm not about to let you take credit for it.


"No room for them in the inn" (Luke 2:7)?
Not if they'd come to the Blood of Christ Motel!
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Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Jesus' eternal love Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019! - 12-02-2019, 07:52 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabella White View Post
Miss Larguez, is that you? Don't pretend you're not impersonating Santa and using that as an attempt to sneak back to Freehold to taunt dear Mayor Hold. What's your next trick? Pretending to be Devin Nunes' cow?

Sincerely, Isabella W.
Bella, my girlygirl darling child! You're so-o-o-o adorable when you're slightly upset! I do appreciate that you believe in me, as you're worried about usurpers! But, as I said, Faith® is irrelevant and being nice is the thing to do to get into the Hoarding Heaven of Christmas to Come! Ho ho ho!

You can obviously share the paperbag that I sent to Emily (bless her). But... you've been reasonably nice. So, I'll give you a nice plastic item related to one of your favorite verses 1 Timothy 2:12 (boy oh boy, how Lil' Timmy enjoyed this device every single year around the 60's and 70's of the first century). I am sure that you'll find it most useful! Ho!



You can attach any kinds of ribbons or leather bands to it!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019! - 12-02-2019, 07:57 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
My children know damn well that I'm the one who paid for their presents, not some fat eskimo heathen. I work my ass off supervising my employees as they run my motel, and I'm not about to let you take credit for it.
Dennis my menace cupcake! Ho, it's so nice that you also believe in me, even if it doesn't matter.

The elfs have monitored all your activities closely, and I am happy to say that you have indeed worked hard to run your motel with all the cleaning and organizing when you rent the rooms to all those cute couples by the hour! I am sorry that your ass is exhausted. I'll deliver a yule mule to you! They're hard-working and quite cute and not prone to the acts of fornication that you supposedly abhor so much. See your stockings in a few weeks!



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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