Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Church Forums > WEDDING BELLS! - Christian Wedding Forum
Reload this Page "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!
WEDDING BELLS! - Christian Wedding Forum A seasonal forum hosted by cyber Bridesmaids, Daisy Mae Johnson, Sister Mary Etheldreda and Sister Talitha . Groomly advice is also offered from Best Man, Pastor Zeke!

 
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
(#61)
Old
Rachael Van Helsing's Avatar
Rachael Van Helsing Rachael Van Helsing is offline
HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member

Hellbound Heathen Cancer on Society Uppity Woman/Enabler Witch

 
Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-06-2008, 12:37 PM

Hey, what you may find boring, is actually pretty good advice.

Although Dances, I do have to point out one thing. I have actually heard of people conceiving during their period. Freaky, I know. But it happens!



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
(#62)
Old
Pastor Ezekiel's Avatar
Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 2014 Witch Hunt Award Stamp of Approval Mission to Korea Trump of GOD Uber Angels Driver Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Roper Crossburn Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Hands Off 2015 Witch Hunt Award Pastor Ezekiel Golden Bear Award Mission Long service medal, 2nd class Aardvark Asked questions later Heart of compassion Crown of Righteousness The Crown of Crowns Crown of Glory Crown of Incorruptibility Crown of Rejoicing Crown of Life BFF of Jesus Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Probing for Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Mission to the Philippines Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Anti-Biden British Royalty

 
Posts: 79,891
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-06-2008, 12:39 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Hey, what you may find boring, is actually pretty good advice.

Although Dances, I do have to point out one thing. I have actually heard of people conceiving during their period. Freaky, I know. But it happens!
And that's my point! That's how retard babies are made. God hates that.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
(#63)
Old
SUV's Avatar
SUV SUV is offline
True Christian™ Princess
The Driving Force behind RA12
Have at it, anytime!

Long service medal, 1st class One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year Ribfest '08 True Christian™ Saved 5 Years Saved 10 Years Best Pie True Christian Lady Real American™ Best stoning bucket Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture Super Soaker Baptism Award True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Most Obedient Born again virgin Persecuted Christian Love Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas Eats the Most Pork True Republican Princess

 
Posts: 11,024
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: At the Gift Exchange Counter
SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-06-2008, 01:12 PM

I'm feeling so Ill listening to all of this. I do hope Sister Thumper will have her Tea Bagging Party soon to Resurrect my Spirits
(#64)
Old
Rachael Van Helsing's Avatar
Rachael Van Helsing Rachael Van Helsing is offline
HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member

Hellbound Heathen Cancer on Society Uppity Woman/Enabler Witch

 
Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-06-2008, 01:48 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
And that's my point! That's how retard babies are made. God hates that.
Ok, do you have scientific proof of that?



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
(#65)
Old
Pastor Ezekiel's Avatar
Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 2014 Witch Hunt Award Stamp of Approval Mission to Korea Trump of GOD Uber Angels Driver Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Roper Crossburn Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Hands Off 2015 Witch Hunt Award Pastor Ezekiel Golden Bear Award Mission Long service medal, 2nd class Aardvark Asked questions later Heart of compassion Crown of Righteousness The Crown of Crowns Crown of Glory Crown of Incorruptibility Crown of Rejoicing Crown of Life BFF of Jesus Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Probing for Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Mission to the Philippines Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Anti-Biden British Royalty

 
Posts: 79,891
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-06-2008, 01:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Ok, do you have scientific proof of that?
I can do better than that! I have BIBLICAL proof!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
(#66)
Old
Rachael Van Helsing's Avatar
Rachael Van Helsing Rachael Van Helsing is offline
HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member

Hellbound Heathen Cancer on Society Uppity Woman/Enabler Witch

 
Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-06-2008, 01:58 PM

Balderdash and gibble gabble!
Science, and advances in science, have DISproved the biblical ideas of handicapped children being born from that.

A woman's cycle isn't always the same....some women happen to be fertile then, and that HAS been proven.

Look, if you don't wish to surf the red tide you don't gotta, but if people do and get pregnant that way, that's no business of yours.



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
(#67)
Old
Brother_Percy's Avatar
Brother_Percy Brother_Percy is offline
Honorary True Christian™
Forum Member

True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ Heaven Bound The Lord’s Witness Wound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Friend of Jesus Public Awareness Medal One Year/1000 posts Christian Love Real American™ The Lord’s Witness Wound Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Parking Lot Tither One Year/1000 posts Saved 5 Years Ex-eurotrash True Republican

 
Posts: 1,335
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Doing God's Work in Europistan
Brother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-06-2008, 03:37 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson View Post
First of all, congratulations on saving your virginity for Jesus!
I have another few questions. Will my first time hurt too? I mean, I know it's meant to hurt the woman. But does it hurt for the man as much? I'm not sure what it's meant to feel like, or what i'm supposed to act like.

Do I have to do 'fourplay' before it? Or is that just for perverts? I don't know much about True Christian fourplay (If there IS such a thing). Though i'd imagine it means romantic stuff like kissing my wife's neck, and having her massage my mucky sweaty feet?

I always imagined making the baby will feel like trying to force your 'gentleman' inside a tiny dry microscopic hole, that feels like tough leather or sandpaper inside, and that I should get it over with as quick as possible. Get the baby in there, you know, so we can get back to praying.

Any other advice?
(#68)
Old
Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.'s Avatar
Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. is offline
Scientific Advisor
True Christian™

1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Publisher's Choice True Christian™ Saved 1 Year Silver Tither True Heterosexual™ Ex-Gay True Scientist™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Tell her once True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Flat Earth Guns, Guts and GLORY! Prayer Warrior Trump of GOD True Christian Provider™ award Babysitter Stamp of Approval Alternative Facts Pastor Ezekiel Christian Love True Scientist™ Saved 10 Years

 
Posts: 2,370
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Landover Baptist University for the Saved, Corridor 17C
Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-06-2008, 04:17 PM

As part of the curse for Eve's actions in the Garden of Eden, intercourse is meant to be an act for pro-creation only, and women should not feel any physical stimulation through the "act". For you, the man, you should enjoy a blissful & peaceful feeling for a short while, as the Lord rewards you for doing your duty to create a whole passel of children for Jesus! If you notice your wife squirming around or otherwise contorting herself in a seemingly pleasurable way, you can rest assured that she is fantasizing about some negro's wedding tackle and, therefore, committing adultery right in your own bed. I suggest you rebuke her for this immediately, before the problem gets out of hand and she fall into the serious sin of M-ing, which is just as addicting as crack cocaine and just as destructive.

As far as "foreplay" is concerned, it is not recommended for True Christians, at least not in the secular meaning of the word. Good Christians engage in wholesome foreplay like reading through Leviticus and discussing the role of women in the world today. It is best that she know her position ("beneath the man", in more ways than one) before things get started. Let her know who is boss. What women want is a man who is IN CHARGE. Any other 'intimacies' are strictly for pleasure alone, and will distract the woman from her duty: to produce a young male for Jesus.

I agree with your last paragraph. If you do your duty quickly and silently enough, there will be a period of relief, after which you can immediately begin your Bible study and your wife can roll over and go to sleep, to allow her body to get to work with making a baby. The faster it is over, the better, as the last thing you want to do is have your mind off of Jesus and on your tallywhacker any longer than is completely necessary. You don't want to accidentally turn yourself gay!


Trump 2020: "For Real This Time"
(#69)
Old
SUV's Avatar
SUV SUV is offline
True Christian™ Princess
The Driving Force behind RA12
Have at it, anytime!

Long service medal, 1st class One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year Ribfest '08 True Christian™ Saved 5 Years Saved 10 Years Best Pie True Christian Lady Real American™ Best stoning bucket Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture Super Soaker Baptism Award True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Most Obedient Born again virgin Persecuted Christian Love Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas Eats the Most Pork True Republican Princess

 
Posts: 11,024
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: At the Gift Exchange Counter
SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-06-2008, 05:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother_Percy View Post
Will my first time hurt too?
Only if you were to Marry Dora Denkins; I hear that her cooter has "teeth in it."
(#70)
Old
Brother_Percy's Avatar
Brother_Percy Brother_Percy is offline
Honorary True Christian™
Forum Member

True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ Heaven Bound The Lord’s Witness Wound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Friend of Jesus Public Awareness Medal One Year/1000 posts Christian Love Real American™ The Lord’s Witness Wound Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Parking Lot Tither One Year/1000 posts Saved 5 Years Ex-eurotrash True Republican

 
Posts: 1,335
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Doing God's Work in Europistan
Brother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBrother_Percy has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-06-2008, 09:01 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SUV View Post
Only if you were to Marry Dora Denkins; I hear that her cooter has "teeth in it."
Do OTHER women have this problem? I bet wiccin-women do!
(#71)
Old
Glendora Christianson's Avatar
Glendora Christianson Glendora Christianson is offline
Spiritual Mother of LBC
True Christian™

Long service medal, 1st class One Year/1000 posts True Christian™ Saved 5 Years True Christian Lady Real American™ Mother of 1 boy or 2.5 girls Ribfest '03 Best stoning bucket Protected by JESUS Christian Love Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Mama Grizzly Persecuted

 
Posts: 6,341
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IA
Glendora Christianson has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureGlendora Christianson has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureGlendora Christianson has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureGlendora Christianson has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureGlendora Christianson has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureGlendora Christianson has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureGlendora Christianson has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureGlendora Christianson has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureGlendora Christianson has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureGlendora Christianson has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureGlendora Christianson has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-07-2008, 01:02 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother_Percy View Post
I have another few questions.1 Will my first time hurt too? I mean, I know it's meant to hurt the woman. But does it hurt for the man as much? I'm not sure what it's meant to feel like, or what i'm supposed to act like.

2 Do I have to do 'fourplay' before it? Or is that just for perverts? I don't know much about True Christian fourplay (If there IS such a thing). Though i'd imagine it means romantic stuff like kissing my wife's neck, and having her massage my mucky sweaty feet?

I always imagined making the baby will feel like trying to force your 'gentleman' inside a tiny dry microscopic hole, that feels like tough leather or sandpaper inside, and that 3 I should get it over with as quick as possible. Get the baby in there, you know, so we can get back to praying.

Any other advice? 4
First of all, this is a bit gritty for a Christian lady like me to discuss, but since I have raised a son, I'll do my best...

1. Since men seem to have an obsession with "popping a cherry" I sort of doubt that it hurts. Besides, it is the women who carry the burden of Eve's sins and the suffering that goes along with it, so don't feel sorry for your new wife if her "trampoline" is woven a bit tight.

2. Foreplay is for perverts like Lumpy. The only reason to take your gun out of its holster is to shoot it.

3. I suppose this is your choice, according to the Good Book, from Genesis through Revelation, GOD makes it clear that your wife is your property. Just be careful about enjoyment, it is Satan's trap.

4. Once your wife is in a family way, it is important not to spoil her. Remember, she is capable of having at least a dozen children and if she gets fat and lazy during her first pregnancy, she'll only get worse as more babies come along. Speaking of fat mothers, beware that many lesbians and witches marry men so that they can get pregnant, divorce them, and then collect child support and alimony while turning the fruit of your loins into goths and emos. Always remember, you are the king of your castle.


Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
(#72)
Old
Vayhr of the Warhost's Avatar
Vayhr of the Warhost Vayhr of the Warhost is offline
Unruly True Christian™ Maverick
Forum Member
 
Posts: 342
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Vayhr of the Warhost is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.Vayhr of the Warhost is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-07-2008, 03:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother_Percy View Post
I always imagined making the baby will feel like trying to force your 'gentleman' inside a tiny dry microscopic hole
Nah, I figure in your case it'll be more like a Q-tip dangling over a canyon, small fry.
(#73)
Old
Boring Jerry's Avatar
Boring Jerry Boring Jerry is offline
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
 
Posts: 225
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Washington
Boring Jerry is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-07-2008, 05:09 AM

And you know how big he is down there how?
(#74)
Old
Rachael Van Helsing's Avatar
Rachael Van Helsing Rachael Van Helsing is offline
HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member

Hellbound Heathen Cancer on Society Uppity Woman/Enabler Witch

 
Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-07-2008, 05:39 AM

Vayhr has an obsession with tallywhackers, his own being on the substandard size I'm guessing.



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
(#75)
Old
Boring Jerry's Avatar
Boring Jerry Boring Jerry is offline
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
 
Posts: 225
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Washington
Boring Jerry is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-07-2008, 05:42 AM

Oh yeah, I forgot. Though I wouldn't actually know.
(#76)
Old
Sister Noddy's Avatar
Sister Noddy Sister Noddy is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™
 
Posts: 1,840
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nice house on Nob Hill
Sister Noddy has bribed people to get these reputation points.Sister Noddy has bribed people to get these reputation points.Sister Noddy has bribed people to get these reputation points.Sister Noddy has bribed people to get these reputation points.Sister Noddy has bribed people to get these reputation points.Sister Noddy has bribed people to get these reputation points.Sister Noddy has bribed people to get these reputation points.Sister Noddy has bribed people to get these reputation points.Sister Noddy has bribed people to get these reputation points.Sister Noddy has bribed people to get these reputation points.Sister Noddy has bribed people to get these reputation points.
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-07-2008, 07:43 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post

Vayhr has an obsession with tallywhackers, his own being on the substandard size I'm guessing
Oh, so that explains it! teeny weeny size tallywhacker but ...

WARRIOR SIZE!

... ego for the warhost!


1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...


1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...

Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...
(#77)
Old
Vayhr of the Warhost's Avatar
Vayhr of the Warhost Vayhr of the Warhost is offline
Unruly True Christian™ Maverick
Forum Member
 
Posts: 342
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Vayhr of the Warhost is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.Vayhr of the Warhost is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-07-2008, 12:11 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_B View Post
And you know how big he is down there how?
I don't. Hence the words, "I figure...". Learn to read, you uneducated swine. From what Tali has told me about the times shes mistakenly and totally unintentionally mishappened to glance at the members of various males who are of the Landover Baptist "there is no such thing as a female orgasm" crowd, I can confidently assume he is a small fry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Vayhr has an obsession with tallywhackers,
And yet you are the one who has made multiple comments about my tallywhacker. Do you have cock on the brain?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
his own being on the substandard size I'm guessing.
You sound like one of those trailer trash sluts insulting their trailer trash boyfriends on the Jerry Springer Show. They always seem to have small penises after the breakups. Are you by any chance white trash, ma'am?
(#78)
Old
SUV's Avatar
SUV SUV is offline
True Christian™ Princess
The Driving Force behind RA12
Have at it, anytime!

Long service medal, 1st class One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year Ribfest '08 True Christian™ Saved 5 Years Saved 10 Years Best Pie True Christian Lady Real American™ Best stoning bucket Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture Super Soaker Baptism Award True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Most Obedient Born again virgin Persecuted Christian Love Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas Eats the Most Pork True Republican Princess

 
Posts: 11,024
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: At the Gift Exchange Counter
SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!SUV will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-07-2008, 01:22 PM

Please, y'all, do not Chastise Mr War-Toast so. He is very UP-FRONT for JESUS - and that is where it counts!

Mother Glynndie, I have just read your most excellent and ultra-Godly advice to Brother Percy, and it has caused me to re-think my
Wish to become a June Bride. Ummm.....It can get mighty hot in June, and I would Hate to wilt my Bridal Bouquet.

So maybe instead......October? Maybe even a few decades from now, until this real "Global Warming" cools down?
(#79)
Old
Buford T Scoggins's Avatar
Buford T Scoggins Buford T Scoggins is offline
Founder, Operation Rescue, Now in Heaven with Jesus
True Christian™

True Christian™ Parking Lot Tither Christian Love Real American™ Saved 1 Year Heaven Bound The Lord’s Witness Wound Tagging for Jesus Protected by JESUS TC Bravery Mission to Australia Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot Friend of Jesus Flat Earth

 
Posts: 912
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: In Heaven with Jesus
Buford T Scoggins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBuford T Scoggins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBuford T Scoggins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBuford T Scoggins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBuford T Scoggins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBuford T Scoggins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBuford T Scoggins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBuford T Scoggins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBuford T Scoggins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBuford T Scoggins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureBuford T Scoggins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only! - 06-08-2008, 12:53 AM

I heard that in some of them African country, they cut off a woman's pleasure button so just doesn't go running around humping like a dog in heat. Sounds like a good idea to me! Of course, those ACLU communists and homo liberal judges have made it illegal to do that in the US of A!

I also got a question. I've been hearing on Fox News about how the United Nations has been sending condos to Burma and other poor countries to prevent AIDS. I just wanna know what real estate investments got to do with sex-pervert diseases? Do they think that if all those dark races got condominiums instead of grass huts to live in, that they're not gonna fornicate like rabbits? If we want them to stop, we ought to send them saltpeter!

YIC,
Buford


yours in Christ,
Brother Buford



The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.
- Rush Limbaugh
 

Bookmarks

Tags
abstinance before marriage, chastity and purity preferred, examining the sheets, french tickler, is my husband gay?, pop a cherry, premature ejaculation, screaming orgasms, small penis, starkist tuna

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here



Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved