[Faith_Machine]

For those of you who can't think of an appropriate gift, we do have a wedding registry at Bergdorf Goodman, as my young fiance is partial to Prada.

We have never allowed her to use the Internet, obviously, but we have been getting some double takes and confused responses when we've told people about our impending nuptials, so I do want to take a moment to clear some things up.

This union will be blessed by God, because it is completely consistent with His Word™.

I direct you to the Song of Solomon 4:

Song of Solomon 4
English Standard Version
Solomon Admires His Bride's Beauty
He

4 Behold, you are beautiful, my love,
behold, you are beautiful!
Your eyes are doves
behind your veil.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
leaping down the slopes of Gilead.
2
Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes
that have come up from the washing,
all of which bear twins,
and not one among them has lost its young.
3
Your lips are like a scarlet thread,
and your mouth is lovely.
Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate
behind your veil.
4
Your neck is like the tower of David,
built in rows of stone;[a]
on it hang a thousand shields,
all of them shields of warriors.
5
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle,
that graze among the lilies.
6
Until the day breathes
and the shadows flee,
I will go away to the mountain of myrrh
and the hill of frankincense.
7
You are altogether beautiful, my love;
there is no flaw in you.
8
Come with me from Lebanon, my bride;
come with me from Lebanon.
Depart[b] from the peak of Amana,
from the peak of Senir and Hermon,
from the dens of lions,
from the mountains of leopards.

9
You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
10
How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much better is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!
11
Your lips drip nectar, my bride;
honey and milk are under your tongue;
the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
12
A garden locked is my sister, my bride,
a spring locked, a fountain sealed.
13
Your shoots are an orchard of pomegranates
with all choicest fruits,
henna with nard,
14
nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon,
with all trees of frankincense,
myrrh and aloes,
with all choice spices—
15
a garden fountain, a well of living water,
and flowing streams from Lebanon.

16
Awake, O north wind,
and come, O south wind!
Blow upon my garden,
let its spices flow.
Together in the Garden of Love
She

Let my beloved come to his garden,
and eat its choicest fruits.

Furthermore,

Longing for Her Beloved

8 Oh that you were like a brother to me
who nursed at my mother's breasts!
If I found you outside, I would kiss you,
and none would despise me.
2
I would lead you and bring you
into the house of my mother—
she who used to teach me.
I would give you spiced wine to drink,
the juice of my pomegranate.
3
His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand embraces me!
4
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
that you not stir up or awaken love
until it pleases.

5
Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved?

Under the apple tree I awakened you.
There your mother was in labor with you;
there she who bore you was in labor.

6
Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy[a] is fierce as the grave.[b]
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the Lord.
7
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he[c] would be utterly despised.
Final Advice
Others

8
We have a little sister,
and she has no breasts.
What shall we do for our sister
on the day when she is spoken for?
9
If she is a wall,
we will build on her a battlement of silver,
but if she is a door,
we will enclose her with boards of cedar.
She

10
I was a wall,
and my breasts were like towers;
then I was in his eyes
as one who finds[d] peace.

11
Solomon had a vineyard at Baal-hamon;
he let out the vineyard to keepers;
each one was to bring for its fruit a thousand pieces of silver.
12
My vineyard, my very own, is before me;
you, O Solomon, may have the thousand,
and the keepers of the fruit two hundred.
He

13
O you who dwell in the gardens,
with companions listening for your voice;
let me hear it.
She

14
Make haste, my beloved,
and be like a gazelle
or a young stag
on the mountains of spices.

And let us not forget dear old Abraham's wife, Sarah, was his half-sister.

I hope this will put all the confusion and "loose talk" to rest.

My parents are over the moon with joy, as my father feels my sister is getting a little long in the tooth, and he will surely be happy to finally get her out of the house.

Also, they are very happy I will have a healthy outlet for those very normal and healthy "urges" that have previously led to me getting in so much trouble.

Please send me a personal message for the link to our wedding registry, and include your address so we can send you an invitation.

Note this is a "destination wedding," and those of you who lack the means to travel to Dubai will, of course, be forgiven if you merely send a gift.

[MitzaLizalor]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

I'm sorry, have you become demon possessed? The ESV is a notorious conduit for heresy.

[Isabella White]

Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor

I'm sorry, have you become demon possessed? The ESV is a notorious conduit for heresy.

Good Heaven above, dear Sister Mitza! The English Standard Version?! One wonders if Faith has been enticed to listen to fake preachers, such as that Joe Osteen person!

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Originally Posted by Isabella White

Good Heaven above, dear Sister Mitza! The English Standard Version?! One wonders if Faith has been enticed to listen to fake preachers, such as that Joe Osteen person!

Now, we should hold off on judging Mr. Faith until the Pastors have approved his, um, choice of partner. Miss Cookie handles the paperwork in these situations - photos, close up portraits, virginity pledges, etc. It's usually a formality for members in good standing.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Is her father an entrepreneur? In what field? Is he a rich Joo (I'd approve). Where's the Pastor's dowry? Where's your Wedding Tithe? Does she have a younger brother of a suitable bouseboy age? Until all that's resolved there's NO WAY this wedding will happen.

YIC,

-Zeke-

PS: I'm willing to cut the Weddng Tithe by 10% if I don't have to act upon Le Droit du seigneur aka Jus Praimae Noctis.

[Faith_Machine]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Is her father an entrepreneur? In what field? Is he a rich Joo (I'd approve).

Pastor Zeke, you wound me! My dear father is most disquieted to hear you apparently don't remember the pastor's golf junket he bankrolled in 2017.

Father says he thought you would be like brothers after the time you spent at the TPC Kuala Lumpur Golf & Country Club​.

[MitzaLizalor]

Originally Posted by Isabella White

Good Heaven above, dear Sister Mitza! The English Standard Version?! One wonders if Faith has been enticed to listen to fake preachers, such as that Joe Osteen person!

He doesn't seem very consistent. Is he a communist?

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Abraham's wife

She was quite active and in Malaysia, as well as The Emirates, kings or other royalty may be found. It would be worthwhile keeping an eye on your property due to impromptu skirmishes (or planned liaisons) having been mentioned by God, were your financial interests being informed by Abram—or later as Abraham—say.

ABRAM:
Genesis 12:5-6 10-12 14-17

LATER:
Genesis 20:1-3 10-12 14-16

Both passages are important because objections from the usual quarters say that Abram in his unregenerate state may well have acted unethically in the matter of timeshare wives and/or sisters. By their lights presumably that would be so. However, once God had promoted him to Abraham..

Genesis 17:5 Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; for a father of many nations have I made thee.

..the trend remained with dire consequences for kings and pharaohs all round. But not for him: he prospered as a result. And although you might like to prosper, whether in KL or elsewhere, it's worth noting that Abraham was very unwelcome back there any time soon. Or at all. This would affect any golfing plans you might have.

[Faith_Machine]

Mitza, did you get my link to our wedding registry?

[WWJDnow]

Brother Machine,

You can't marry your sister at the Landover Baptist Church. That is incest, and violates the laws of both God and man. Can't you find a cute first cousin or perhaps a fetching grand-niece to marry? God is perfectly OK with that.

If you persist in this unholy marriage, you'll probably want to shift your registry to one of those guys such as Morgan Freeman who smuggles stuff into prison. Be sure to select only small items--remember, someone will have to carry all of your gifts inside his keister hole. So try to give your mule a break.

[Cranky Old Man]

Don't expect a present from me.

[Isabella White]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

Don't expect a present from me.

Amen, dear Brother Cranky. I was going to offer to bake the wedding cake, and to arrange the flowers for the tables at the reception, but there is something rather off-putting about all of this. One hopes that Faith will reach out to our beloved Pastor Ezekiel for spiritual guidance in this very important matter -- immediately.