[Pastor Ezekiel]

Register Your Sissy Boy For Vacation Bible Gun Camp!
New For Summer 2009:

This year, our young campers will be conducting several righteous religious raids upon the ungodly children at Camp Quest (a secular summer camp for sacrilegious science-loving sissies) for drive by, Get Your Feet Hot For Jesus! visitations. Bring your cap-guns and pistols (if you are over 7-years old and love Jesus) for some old fashioned soul-winning shoot-em-up dusty foot devil dancin'! Talk to a camp counselor when you arrive, as we anticipate that seats on the school buses will fill up quickly, and make sure your parents check the box on your permission slip that says you can stay up past curfew.

Checklist and Frequently Asked Questions:

What can I do to help my child have a great camp experience?

Fathers, before your boy leaves for camp, privately discuss the importance your church family's reputation. Make sure that he is fully aware that if he does anything to embarrass you or the Lord this summer, Jesus will tell on him and you will beat his little bare behind with a rusty buckle and have him shipped off to a Russian orphanage when he gets home. Let him know that you didn't raise him to be a sissy or a cry-baby so if you get word that any of that nonsense is going on, he'll have to find a new Daddy when he gets back from camp, because you don't want him to be your son anymore.

How do I Handle Homesickness?

Mothers, if you receive a call from the camp Pastor, telling you that your child is acting like a little Nancy boy and crying about how much he misses his mother, resist the temptation to "rescue" your child. You are not permitted to communicate with your child for the entire four weeks he is away at camp. Please understand that we are doing everything in our power to make a man out of your 12-year-old boy. We own him for a month. Any calls you receive from the camp Pastor are just phone calls letting you know that your child is being whipped with a tree branch in accordance with camp policy or being locked in a bear cave until he cries himself dry.

What to Bring to Bible Camp?
King James Bible (1611 version)
Highlighter
Semi-Automatic Pistol
Revolver with Telescopic Lens
Plenty of Ammunition
Knives suitable for skinning
Cell Phone and Walkie Talkie
Fireworks
Tape Recorder
Hand Cuffs
One Change of Clothes
Money for Offering Plate
Rope

What to Leave At Home?
Notebook, Pens and Pencils
Secular Music
Sleeping Bag
PJ's
Soap and Shampoo
Swimsuit
Flashlight
Camera and Film
Stuffed Animals
Sunscreen
Insect Repellant
Rain Gear
Sissy Friends

What are the Fees and are there Refunds?

The $2500 deposit is non-refundable. The balance of the Bible camper fee ($18,000.00) is due the day of registration. If your child is unable to attend (due to death or loss of more than two limbs) please cancel within 10 days by calling the Registrar, Henry (The Bull) Nelson @ 800-788-CAMP. This way that spot may then be available for another youngster.

What is the policy on Sleeping Mates?

Sleeping assignments are made by the Bible Camp staff, prior to the start of each session. Our counselors observe each boy through closed circuit cameras as they are left to fend for themselves alone in the wilderness for the first two days. During this time they are carefully studied by a staff of Creation Scientists to detect any outward manifestations of possible homosexual tendencies, such as fear and excessive wiping with leaves after defecation. We utilize our findings to avoid placing two molly-coddlers in the same sleeping bag for the next several weeks. Friends are not allowed to bunk together (where cabins are available during the end of the third week) We will try, whenever possible to honor the requests of parents whose income brackets and contributions to the church warrant special sleeping arrangement requests made with pre-registration. All boys (except the offspring of Platinum-level tithing parents) will be forced to eat what is scooped onto their tin plates. Camp is no place for finicky eaters or silly claims about allergies. Platinum level tithers are encouraged to get special dietary requests to room service three weeks before departure.

What are the guidelines for Phone Calls?

Your child's personal cell phone is never to be used to contact friends and family. Cell phones are to be used exclusively to call the camp Pastor to report other children for insubordination. Cell phones may also be used if your child finds himself in a life threatening emergency situation.. Examples would be a gun wound to the head or being mauled by a grizzly bear. Being treed by a grizzly bear is not an emergency. It is a character-building event, and should be waited out if the child is unarmed.

Do I send food with my child?

Please do not send food to camp with your child. Each child will be given a satchel of dried locusts to serve as a Bible trail mix. Other than that, understand that your child is attending Bible camp to learn post-apocalyptic techniques on how to hunt, stalk, and kill his own food or starve to death. No meals are served in the first two weeks. You child will also learn to barter and share the love of Jesus at gunpoint should they be left behind as part of the unsaved remnant after the Great Tribulation.

How much money should my child take to Camp?

Your child should take 30 twenty-dollar bills. An offering will be taken up after morning services each day. By enabling your youngster to place a $20 bill in the collection plate, he will learn the importance of giving money to people who matter most to the Lord. Any child who fails to put $20 into the offering plate will be taught a valuable lesson about peer pressure and mob dynamics. The child will then be locked in a bat-infested cave for the duration of the summer where he can more carefully contemplate his selfishness.

What is there to do?

Apocalyptic wilderness survival training, Bible reading, Scripture memory contests, marksmanship competitions, Old testament wild deer and boar sacrifices, gun care and cleaning, manly fellowship, Bible skits, and evening super surprise game competitions where children use tranquilizer guns to hunt unsaved homeless people who are dropped into the mountains by helicopter.

Who can come?

Landover Baptist Vacation Bible Camp is for anyone who finished Grade 3 up to those finished grade 6. Optional grade 7 for those who attended last year and failed to kill an endangered animal and memorize over 50 Bible verses.

What is the time schedule?

We are using a Bible based time schedule at camp. Thus, we are operating in what camp counselors refer to as "Eternity Mode." By depriving your child of food and sleep for days at a time, we pray that he will experience a complete loss of time and space, and ultimately self-worth at various points within the 30 days, coming to a better understanding of his piteousness in the eyes of the Lord.

What if my child is caught with Drugs or Alcohol on the camp property?

Drugs and alcohol will be confiscated by the camp Pastor. Your child will be stripped naked and a full cavity search will be mechanically performed. The child will then be forced to endure the next 30 days of Vacation Bible Camp without clothes or company.

[Ebenezer Wright]

Ahhh..... I wish I had these opportunities when I was a a young lad growing up with out the knowledge of Scripture or semi-auto handgun use.

[Walter Brimstone]

I'm glad services like this are offered and it's a shame that I didn't have this opportunity as a youngster. I will most certainly be praying for those attending to have a successful time at camp.

JM

[Father Thomas Martin]

You're going to do WHAT to these children???!!!

Just you wait 'till our Young Inquisitors Camp invades yours with our torches, pitchforks, and NAB & NRSV Bibles...And we don't have to worry about that "secular law provision" (you're the real sissies because you do)...we have Acts 5:29 to protect us!

[Walter Brimstone]

Excuse me, but, who has the weaponry and who doesn't, chimp? I really fail to see where pitchforks & your perversions of your so called Bible and all this is gonna stand up to having bullets, from assault rifles, shot through the skulls of your little kiddies.

In Him,

Walter Brimstone

[Father Thomas Martin]

Originally Posted by Walter Brimstone

Excuse me, but, who has the weaponry and who doesn't, chimp? I really fail to see where pitchforks & your perversions of your so called Bible and all this is gonna stand up to having bullets, from assault rifles, shot through the skulls of your little kiddies.

In Him,

Walter Brimstone

My brother's a cop, in case you didn't know...He'll bring over the SWAT team!

[Billybob Sunday]

If a horny pedophile priest gets anywhere near my yungins', he'll be wearing that skirt for real!

I do hope that the gun range has some Cathylick priest targets to shoot at.

I'd just as soon have the little kids at Neverland Ranch than at Cathylick camp. At least MJ has the decency to pay off the kiddys he molests!

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

You're going to do WHAT to these children???!!!

Oh, the irony of this sentence.

[Father Thomas Martin]

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance

Oh, the irony of this sentence.

Why do you have the biased opinion that ALL priests are molesters?

Only 40% are, unfortunately...Fortunately, I'm one of the 60% who are not molesters, pedophiles, pederasts, buggerers, or whatever you call them!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

Why do you have the biased opinion that ALL priests are molesters?

Only 40% are, unfortunately...Fortunately, I'm one of the 60% who are not molesters, pedophiles, pederasts, buggerers, or whatever you call them!

So you claim. I'm willing to bet that not one of the 40% who ARE boy buggerers (and I believe the numbers are much higher) would admit to it. That, plus you're a papist dog who is instructed by your evil masters in Rome to lie.

So why should anyone believe you? You don't know Jesus, you only know beelzebub.

[Walter Brimstone]

Pastor Ezekiel,

If I may, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the numbers were somewhere around 95% by now.

In Him,

Walter Brimstone

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

So you claim. I'm willing to bet that not one of the 40% who ARE boy buggerers (and I believe the numbers are much higher) would admit to it. That, plus you're a papist dog who is instructed by your evil masters in Rome to lie.

So why should anyone believe you? You don't know Jesus, you only know beelzebub.

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

Why do you have the biased opinion that ALL priests are molesters?

Only 40% are, unfortunately...Fortunately, I'm one of the 60% who are not molesters, pedophiles, pederasts, buggerers, or whatever you call them!

So, instead of spending your days interfering with alterboys, you spend your days covering up for your colleagues and playing a rare version of three-card monte involving parishes and pedophiles. That's so much better.

[Cheshire]

Pastor Ezekiel, what is the youngest age for boys to go in this camp?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Cheshire

Pastor Ezekiel, what is the youngest age for boys to go in this camp?

I believe they have to be able to walk. Long forced marches hikes in the woods are part of the camp curriculum.

And our camp counselors can have your sissyboy toilet trained in under a day, guaranteed.

[Cheshire]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

I believe they have to be able to walk. Long forced marches hikes in the woods are part of the camp curriculum.

And our camp counselors can have your sissyboy toilet trained in under a day, guaranteed.

That's great news! As soon as baby Mark can walk and carry att least one pound( supplies!) I'll ship him off to your tender, loving, yet harsh care.

[Father Thomas Martin]

Still planning your Vacation False Bible Gulag, eh?

Well, our teenagers (13-to-20-year-old men and women), along with my brother's SWAT team, will invade it if you dare try it!

You have 48 hours to cancel this, or we'll attack! Do you hear me?

[Cheshire]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

Still planning your Vacation False Bible Gulag, eh?

Well, our teenagers (13-to-20-year-old men and women), along with my brother's SWAT team, will invade it if you dare try it!

You have 48 hours to cancel this, or we'll attack! Do you hear me?

That's so cute. the little pedophile "priest" thinks he has a SWAT team at his command.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

Still planning your Vacation False Bible Gulag, eh?

Well, our teenagers (13-to-20-year-old men and women), along with my brother's SWAT team, will invade it if you dare try it!

You have 48 hours to cancel this, or we'll attack! Do you hear me?

We're so scared, Major Tom. I seem to recall that your brother the meter maid/Wal-Mart security guard posted this in April:

Originally Posted by Offcr. Albert Martin

As of today, I, Albert Martin, am no longer a member of the Des Moines police department, and have no desire to be an officer ever again.

Here is why:

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories...04-25-12-09-30



Now I see there is no honor in our nation's police...None.

So, I turned in my badge & gun to the police chief, and am now looking at other career options...Maybe a security guard at St. Ambrose Cathedral in Des Moines would be a great option for me (And please take the "offcr." out of my name and make no more mention of the department to me-not even "meter maid Rita" jokes).

But they let him keep his SWAT team as a going-away present, presumably in lieu of a gold watch?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

Still planning your Vacation False Bible Gulag, eh?

Well, our teenagers (13-to-20-year-old men and women), along with my brother's SWAT team, will invade it if you dare try it!

You have 48 hours to cancel this, or we'll attack! Do you hear me?

Notice the papist calls 13 year olds "men and women".....Disgusting pedophile.

As for your nancyboy brother the meter maid, don't make us laugh. He's nothing but an imposter, like you.

Your threat has been passed along to the DOF, child rapist.

[JawOfAnAss]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

Still planning your Vacation False Bible Gulag, eh?

Well, our teenagers (13-to-20-year-old men and women), along with my brother's SWAT team, will invade it if you dare try it!

You have 48 hours to cancel this, or we'll attack! Do you hear me?

Well Father our young campers don't appreciate your threats. However, after careful thought I have come to the conclusion that your SWAT team is really a misnomer. I think you mean SPANK Team. That is what catlickers have at their disposal. They certainly assault young males BUT not quite in the way most people think a police force operates.