[Elmer G. White]

Dearest Sister in Christ,

May you serve your husband and whole children happily (with the help of your half children) on this joyous day! Your constant efforts to educate the Sinner Swarm have not gone unnoticed and I am quite sure that you'll have a relatively prestigious position in Paradise just below the men and the senior females in the infinite bosom of Christ. Next year in Heaven?

1 Peter 5:5
Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.




Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Isabella White]

Oh, my stars! I am thrilled to learn that it's your blessed birthday, dear Sister Joanna. May you have a most pleasant day, and may the good continue to bless you and enrich your happiness on a daily basis. I've made a little cake in your honor, which should be arriving at your house shortly.

A very Happy Birthday and a blessed day to you, dear Sister Joanna,
Sincerely, Isabella W.

[BrotherLarry]

My friend and sister in Jesus

I asked my Heavenly Father
To bless you on this day
I asked Him to please grant you
All the things for which you pray.

He told me that He loves you
Your service brings Him joy
He said He plans to send you
A set of new twin boys.

Happiest of days my lovely friend

BrotherLarry

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Oh, thank you for remembering, Brothers and Sisters. I am more touched than I can say.

Sister Isabella, the cake arrived in good time for afternoon tea and just imagine everyone's delight when we lifted off that silly crown thing (did you find it in a joke shop?) to find, underneath, the gorgeous bald eagle so beautifully executed in marzipan. Also, the outer frosting around the rim peeled off perfectly to reveal the Stars and Stripes underneath. I wish our patisserie chef had even half your skills.

Brother Larry, that's such a beautiful thought, though my youngest boy (a singleton, as yet unnamed) is only 6 days old. That makes 12 boys and only one girl, so we have been 92.3% blessed. We plan to work on complying with God's Holy Will at the earliest opportunity. But perhaps, as Brother Professor Dr White suggests, we will meet in Heaven long before that.

[handmaiden]

Dear Sister Mrs. Lytton-Vasey:

Twelve boys and only one girl!? Why you have outdone Leah, herself. . .Or rather your husband has outdone Jacob. It's so nice that he didn't have to spring for the upkeep on another sister-wife and two servant girl junior wives.


Oh, and happy birthday.

[Basilissa]

Sorry I'm late to the party, Sister Joanna. Here is a very modest cake for you:

[Pastor Ezekiel]

WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK?! MY birthday was a week ago, July 15 and it is actually shown ON THIS VERY PAGE. And NO-ONE of you CAME! I waited for visitors for hours but eventually did not bother get outta the bed. It is only my the blessing of JESUS that my Filipino houseboys were loyal and comforted me during my day of ANGUISH.

And now you're celebrating a woman's birthday while totally having ignored mine. OK. Happy bday to Joanna and now tell your hubby to send me your birthday tithe and MY presents that you conveniently seem to have forgotten. Covfefe and Jesus H. Christ! I took you to path that leads to Heaven, so how can it be that my dozen-or-so 14-yo Filipino houseboys show more compassion and endurance than you.

To list the presents that I was expecting TWO YEARS AGO:

1. Where's my jet?
2. How can I bless the heathen without showing the diamond rings on EACH finger. Here's a pic of my hamite discipline Shehperd Bushiri who can walk on air and I don't get a freaking JET?
3. Why hasn't anyone cleaned my septic tank yet?
4. My stock of edible gold is almost empty and I will soon have deficiency symptoms!

Just look at the outfit of Bushiri?! Don't I even get a tailored gold jacket? I'm working all day with the Donnie and toiling all night with my houseboys to make your transition into heaven smooth and rapid. I am within two inches of the red button and quite tempted to press it. But I am much too gentle and compassionate for that. I'm 29 and still no frecking JET?!

You can expect a substantial increase in your tithe requirements as soon my next sermon appears (tomorrow).

[Joseph Seed]

Happy Birthday Sister. if anyone is getting into the kingdom of god it will be you

Heil Hitler

[Joseph Seed]

Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey

Oh, thank you for remembering, Brothers and Sisters. I am more touched than I can say.

Sister Isabella, the cake arrived in good time for afternoon tea and just imagine everyone's delight when we lifted off that silly crown thing (did you find it in a joke shop?) to find, underneath, the gorgeous bald eagle so beautifully executed in marzipan. Also, the outer frosting around the rim peeled off perfectly to reveal the Stars and Stripes underneath. I wish our patisserie chef had even half your skills.

Brother Larry, that's such a beautiful thought, though my youngest boy (a singleton, as yet unnamed) is only 6 days old. That makes 12 boys and only one girl, so we have been 92.3% blessed. We plan to work on complying with God's Holy Will at the earliest opportunity. But perhaps, as Brother Professor Dr White suggests, we will meet in Heaven long before that.

Good news is you now have one less year until you go to

your children will be all alone

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by Joseph Seed

Happy Birthday Sister. if anyone is getting into the kingdom of god it will be you

Originally Posted by Joseph Seed

Good news is you now have one less year until you go to

Do you suffer from split personality disorder or something?

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

Do you suffer from split personality disorder or something?

I daresay Mr. Seed suffers from drunkeness, narcotics use or demon infestation.


(You know that people who are diagnosed with multiple personality disorder are either faking or possessed.)

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

I daresay Mr. Seed suffers from drunkeness, narcotics use or demon infestation.


(You know that people who are diagnosed with multiple personality disorder are either faking or possessed.)

I agree with your demon infestation diagnosis, Sister. That poor soul! I will pray for him, even if it doesn't help him, it will make me feel better about myself.

[Joseph Seed]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

I agree with your demon infestation diagnosis, Sister. That poor soul! I will pray for him, even if it doesn't help him, it will make me feel better about myself.

Damn your a self righteous one arent you? from what i know of you you really do need to pat yourself on the back

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

I agree with your demon infestation diagnosis, Sister. That poor soul! I will pray for him, even if it doesn't help him, it will make me feel better about myself.

Agreed. Jesus will hear your prayers and be blessed by them and bless you in return. Whether Mr. Seed will be blessed depends on whether he will allow Jesus into his heart.


It really is all on him as to whether he was for-ordained at the creation of the world to be one of God's children.

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by Joseph Seed

from what i know of you you really do need to pat yourself on the back

Oh thank you, dear! Such a nice thing to say!

[Joseph Seed]

i would like to devote a birthday song to this wonderful person!

I did my time and I want out
So effusive, fade, it doesn't cut
The soul is not so vibrant
The reckoning, the sickening
Packaging subversion
Pseudo-sacrosanct perversion
Go drill your deserts, go dig your graves
Then fill your mouth with all the money you will save
Sinking in, getting smaller again
I'm done, it has begun, I'm not the only one

And the rain will kill us all
We throw ourselves against the wall
But no one else can see
The preservation of the martyr in me

Psychosocial!
Psychosocial!
Psychosocial!
Psychosocial!
Psychosocial!
Psychosocial!

There are cracks in the road we laid
But where the temple fell
The secrets have gone mad
This is nothing new, but when we killed it all
The hate was all we had
Who needs another mess?
We could start over
Just look me in the eyes and say I'm wrong
Now there's only emptiness
Venomous, insipid
I think we're done, I'm not the only one

And the rain will kill us all
We throw ourselves against the wall
But no one else can see
The preservation of the martyr in me

Psychosocial!
Psychosocial!
Psychosocial!
Psychosocial!
Psychosocial!
Psychosocial!

The limits of the dead!
The limits of the dead!
The limits of the dead!
The limits of the dead!

Fake anti-fascist lie (Psychosocial!)
I tried to tell you but (Psychosocial!)
Your purple hearts are giving out (Psychosocial!)
Can't stop a killing idea - (Psychosocial!)
If it's hunting season (Psychosocial!)
Is this what you want? (Psychosocial!)
I'm not the only one!

And the rain will kill us all
We throw ourselves against the wall
But no one else can see
The preservation of the martyr in me

And the rain will kill us all
We throw ourselves against the wall
But no one else can see
The preservation of the martyr in me

The limits of the dead
The limits of the dead

[Joseph Seed]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

Oh thank you, dear! Such a nice thing to say!

You really arent picking up what im putting down.

[handmaiden]

Sad Mr. Seed:

Our Sister the Mrs. Lytton-Vasey is one of the loveliest persons on God's green earth. You have done nothing but ugly-up her birthday thread.


Can't you go elsewhere to throw your trash? You bedroom could probably use another layer.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Our Sister the Mrs. Lytton-Vasey is one of the loveliest persons on God's green earth. You have done nothing but ugly-up her birthday thread.

That's very sweet of you, Sister Handy, but it all started days after my birthday (which is an entirely insignificant date in the scheme of God's Holy Plan). What little I've read of these teenaged angry ramblings has just made me . I especially liked this:

your children will be all alone

What, all 13 of them?

[FailedWanker]

Originally Posted by Elmer G. White

Dearest Sister in Christ,

May you serve your husband and whole children happily (with the help of your half children) on this joyous day! Your constant efforts to educate the Sinner Swarm have not gone unnoticed and I am quite sure that you'll have a relatively prestigious position in Paradise just below the men and the senior females in the infinite bosom of Christ. Next year in Heaven?

1 Peter 5:5
Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.




Yours in Christ,

Elmer

Elmer: Bring yourself closer to the magical fairy in the skies, and start munching down on ricin as quickly as possible. Remember, you need a hefty dose, with you being "North-American" and all the weight that surely comes with it.