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THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS! Open for the CHRISTmas Season only.

 
 
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Default ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-07-2022, 02:31 AM

Just received an answer to my efficient prayer! Jesus my pal has has a busy year with lots of great smitings, plagues and the skirmish in Youcrane. But, He is still willing to appear this Christmas and answer some questions by y'all. Obviously, every questions you send means some extra tithes to keep your modest pastor in shape. In this case also everyone who fails to communicate with Jesus will receive an extra tithing schedule.

My question: Jesus my Pal, what kind of sinners do you Hate the most? Homers? Catlicks? Females?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-07-2022, 02:44 AM

I've got one. Jesus, do you ever get tired of people trauma-dumping on you? Over the millennia? I wonder if it's the same kind of person (it's OK to say if it is).


If I have seen further, it is by standing on the heads of others.
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-07-2022, 12:24 PM

Oh lord Jesus, which team is going to win the Soccer World Cup? Please answer prior to the close of betting on the final.


I was sinking deep in sin far from the peaceful shore,
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more;
But the Master of the Sea heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I!
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-08-2022, 01:30 PM

Hi Jesus. I have a question.
Do you ever heal persons, knowing what their malady is and how much pain they're in and being able to heal them any time you like, without first receiving a correctly worded prayer from a True Christian? Some missionaries were worried about demon possession and had a whole congregation pray for deliverance (I think they were in another country) after which the wretch was whole again. I say "again" but those people probably are never whole to begin with.

Thank you.
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-09-2022, 02:55 AM

When will I finally die and go to Heaven? Ever since my wife disappeared or died, still haven't figured that out, life has been worse than ever.


5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-09-2022, 03:23 AM

Lord Jesus, my Light, and my Savior, do you have any advice for Jewish boys who have accepted you as their Messiah? Should they still feel guilty for killing you, now that they have been saved? Do they still need to let their mothers control their lives? Do you still want them to move to the Holy Land, or are they exempt from that requirement now that they are Christians? Should they have plastic surgery to restore their foreskins? I feel that, with your eternal wisdom and your experience as a Christian growing up in a Jewish household, your insights would be invaluable.


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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-18-2022, 03:16 PM

Dear Baby Jesus, is this legit or a scam? I sent to PM to ask Pastor Bathfire but he didn't respond.



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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-18-2022, 03:26 PM

I know this question wasn't addressed to me, but that's never stopped me before. How come the Holy Spirit Board says "Goodbye Jesus," that seems like a red flag to me.


I was sinking deep in sin far from the peaceful shore,
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more;
But the Master of the Sea heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I!
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-18-2022, 06:23 PM

Dear Baby Jesus,

for this Christmas I want more people to come in Church as the last year they were lesser than before.
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-20-2022, 04:27 AM

Can you tell me what a Jewish knob looks like? Are they cheaper than regular door handles?
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-21-2022, 08:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gable Ballunder View Post
You seem to be a bit off topic. We are discussing Christ's reaction, upon surviving to the age of reason seemingly about 12 years Luke 2:42-43, 46-47 when inane requests reach His shell-like ear. Are you claiming Jesus does not have ears? He was observed ascending to Heaven on more than one occasion and if His ears dropped off, I'm sure that would be noticed.

The question is whether there are degrees of hate or just one big fat "garden variety" hate.
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-23-2022, 06:24 PM

Dear Jesus,

Do You have a problem with high built towers/skyscrapers? If so, what's the tallest a building can be before offending You? If not, why did You confuse the speech of the builders of the Tower of Babel?
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-23-2022, 09:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Prayer Warrior View Post
Dear Jesus,

Do You have a problem with high built towers/skyscrapers? If so, what's the tallest a building can be before offending You? If not, why did You confuse the speech of the builders of the Tower of Babel?
Amen to that. There's now way the Tower of Babel was taller than the Burj Dubai? Oh lord Jesus, please knock down that heathen tower and render all the various Arab tribes unable to understand each other and thereby plot our ruin!


I was sinking deep in sin far from the peaceful shore,
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more;
But the Master of the Sea heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I!
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Jesus Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-24-2022, 03:18 AM

Bless Me! It's been a very good year (mostly) and, Glory to Me, I'm gonna come and answer your questions as soon as I finish streaming Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story on Netflix for the 7x7th time with Dad and - you guessed it - Jeff himself! So I'll be back asap but keep 'em questions reverent and worshiping or My Wrath will explode.



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Jesus' eternal love Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-25-2022, 02:39 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Just received an answer to my efficient prayer! Jesus my pal has has a busy year with lots of great smitings, plagues and the skirmish in Youcrane. But, He is still willing to appear this Christmas and answer some questions by y'all. Obviously, every questions you send means some extra tithes to keep your modest pastor in shape. In this case also everyone who fails to communicate with Jesus will receive an extra tithing schedule.

My question: Jesus my Pal, what kind of sinners do you Hate the most? Homers? Catlicks? Females?
Zeke ! Indeed, a great year. Free will - one of My and My Dad's (we're the same) bestest ideas! Unprecedented havoc on the old continent and we've been watching many sinners writhe in agony on Earth and in Hell. Good times!

Anyways? As you know, my Sweet Ezekiel, I hate all sinners by an infinite amount but I can still hate some sinners infinitely more than others. The characteristics you described - sodomy, poop-following, womanhood, my Mother - are are all combined in the cat lick nun and priest. Under our watchful eyes (Me and Daddy of Sweetest Sugar) Satan's been collecting all kids of devices (barbed-wire prophylactics etc.) to be used on these abominations in the very near future!


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Messican Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-25-2022, 02:43 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole View Post
I've got one. Jesus, do you ever get tired of people trauma-dumping on you? Over the millennia? I wonder if it's the same kind of person (it's OK to say if it is).
Thou knowest probably that I hear not sinners: but if any man be a worshipper of Me, and doeth Me will, him Me heareth.

(make a note what about women - do we have a policy me and Dad?)

Ergo: They don't bother me at all. They're all sinners. Their annoying whining noise never reaches Heaven and if it does, who cares I don't. Ecce homo! Habeas corpus! No homo! They'll soon be corpses (in American)!


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Lightbulb Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-25-2022, 02:45 AM

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Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
Oh lord Jesus, which team is going to win the Soccer World Cup? Please answer prior to the close of betting on the final.
The 2070 World Soccer Cup (if I decide not to return before that) will be played in Norway. Of the surviving nations and cuntries, Nepal will win, Iceland second, Guam third.


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Sinner Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-25-2022, 02:49 AM

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Hi Jesus. I have a question.
Do you ever heal persons, knowing what their malady is and how much pain they're in and being able to heal them any time you like, without first receiving a correctly worded prayer from a True Christian? Some missionaries were worried about demon possession and had a whole congregation pray for deliverance (I think they were in another country) after which the wretch was whole again. I say "again" but those people probably are never whole to begin with.

Thank you.
I do, especially lepers, although it's also fun to watch their body parts fall off in the midsts of some you-know-what-kind-of action :lol. However, if they fail to hate their lives afterwards and do not follow me, they'll get the same disease or injury multiplied once I cast them into Hell for eternity! Y'all TCs are welcome to come and watch their agony once (and if) we meet in Heaven.


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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-25-2022, 02:56 AM

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Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
When will I finally die and go to Heaven? Ever since my wife disappeared or died, still haven't figured that out, life has been worse than ever.
Ah, dementia, one of Dad's finest ways to give us entertainment! If I may (and I may), I'd be happy to remind you of 2019 AM (anno mei):
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
Can I please die? I feel I am ready for Heaven.
Why are you not discontinuing the beta-blockers, the aspirin, the testosterone supplements and instead expose the pacemaker to airport security gates?
As I am the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and the day before that and the day after tomorrow etc. etc., I can assure you that I have not changed my mind. This one is from 2018:
Quote:
Request granted. I'll smite you on a Tuesday.
Tuesday it is! Don't lose your marbles totally before that one special Tuesday as if you do and forget me, it's gonna be the Pit but no Bottoms!


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Cool Re: ASK JESUS - 2022 - 12-25-2022, 03:01 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Lord Jesus, my Light, and my Savior, do you have any advice for Jewish boys who have accepted you as their Messiah?
Yes, I do.
Quote:
Should they still feel guilty for killing you, now that they have been saved?
Yes, they should.
Quote:
Do they still need to let their mothers control their lives?
Yes, they need. It will help them live up to Luke 14:26 but , frankly my dear, we all know that they would perish within a day if their mothers did not assist them in payot management, putting on clothes and avoiding sodomy.
Quote:
Do you still want them to move to the Holy Land, or are they exempt from that requirement now that they are Christians?
I just want them to move as far away from me as possible. That will not change.
Quote:
Should they have plastic surgery to restore their foreskins?
They should pray the foreskins back. If they fail, they were never True Christians™ and will go to Hell. Most of them will fail.
Quote:
I feel that, with your eternal wisdom and your experience as a Christian growing up in a Jewish household, your insights would be invaluable.
They, they are. I'm magnificent.


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