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WEDDING BELLS! - Christian Wedding Forum A seasonal forum hosted by cyber Bridesmaids, Daisy Mae Johnson, Sister Mary Etheldreda and Sister Talitha . Groomly advice is also offered from Best Man, Pastor Zeke!

 
 
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Rev. Jim Osborne's Avatar
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Default Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-19-2009, 10:01 PM

Congratulations, Don and Vicky!!! The Good Lord hath blessed each other with happiness eternal.

Now, let's talk about this Bachelor Party! I've organized several parties for my friends before they got married. I'll make sure to bring a dozen bottles of Crown Royal Coca-Cola. My good friend and fellow televangelist Rev. Jake Delmachiavelli can probably truck in his converted bus RV. It's got 3 plasma TVs, a hot tub, and a waterbed.

Since it would be sinful for us to partake in extreme revelry, and Paul lets us know we will be damned to hell for it, I'll make sure to balance our partying with witnessing for Christ. I can arrange for several unsaved young women age 18-24 to fly in from other countries so that we can witness to them and save their souls from Aeternal Damnation.

Meet Natalya. She's from St Petersburg, Russia. She's 5'9, 120 lbs, age 24. She was raised Russian Orthodox but is now an agnostic.





Here we have Veronika, who hails from Budapest, Hungary. 5'7, 115 lbs, age 21. Her parents were atheist Communists so she was never brought up in a True Christian™ household.




Finally, we have Esmeralda from Recife, Brazil. 5'7, 135 lbs, age 19. She is a Roman Catholic.



We can save these women! I am sure we can take the time out of the bachelor party to personally witness to these girls one-on-one so they may receive the Good News that Jesus Christ has risen! I am looking forward to this wedding and especially, the bachelor party, and I can't wait to see my fellow Brothers in Christ in Freehold this July!

God Bless,
Rev. Jim



Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.

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Default Re: Engagement announcement: Ofc. Richards and VickyOS - 06-19-2009, 10:31 PM

I think you meant Royal Crown. I haven't had an RC and a Moonpie in years!


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: Engagement announcement: Ofc. Richards and VickyOS - 06-20-2009, 12:28 AM

Very fine news. Congratulations.

Now, Brother Osborne, I'm feeling a powerful urge to witness to the girl Veronika. Her Communist upbringing has left her open to all sorts of perversions, to which I'm sure she'll readily succumb without protest, so I'd better step in and share with her the good news of the risen Christ. How early will she be available for witnessing purposes?


Newt

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Default Re: Engagement announcement: Ofc. Richards and VickyOS - 06-20-2009, 01:08 AM

By all means, Brother Larry! I'll make sure you get first dibs at converting Veronika. Rev. Delmachiavelli's RV has a very private back bedroom where you two can maintain privacy and she can open up to you and be honest about her personal life. It will take a lot of work, but I know by the end of night you'll have this Hungarian honey on her knees praying to Christ!

Rev. Delmachiavelli and I will roll in around July 1. Right now, I'm looking online for plane tickets for these unsaved ladies and I think I can squeeze them in a first class flight for July 2. Unless, maybe, Captain Portway could drop by their home countries and pick them up? I'm sure they would love to fly in an AirJesus!



Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.

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Default Re: Engagement announcement: Ofc. Richards and VickyOS - 06-20-2009, 01:24 AM

All I need is Pastoral approval and I can take one of the Gulfstreams to whatever Godless country these poor unsaved girls are living in.

And Reverend, all but Pastor Deacon Fred's personal G550 seat at least 12 people, and that does not include the Witnessing Couches. It just makes sense, if you could possibly manage it, to bring more than just four young, unsaved ladies that would be willing to submit to Christ's merciful love back from Godless Europe!




Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!



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Default Re: Engagement announcement: Ofc. Richards and VickyOS - 06-20-2009, 02:17 AM

Well that would be the cat's pajamas if we could fly in Pastor Deacon Fred's personal jet! I've contacted some of my missionaries and associates around the world, and I've found more women that are eager to join us for the bachelor party and the wedding!

These three come as a package! Meet our lovely Israeli trio, Miriam, Sarah, and Ruth. They are all new recruits in the Israeli army (pictured here in their uniforms) so don't let their feminine exteriors fool you -- they are trained by the Mossad to kill you with just two fingers! They are stationed in Tel Aviv but all have paid leave coming up. Let's convert these Jewish army gals to Christ!





And now from other side of the world, this is Pattaya (but she likes to be called Patty). 5'4, 105 lbs, 18 years of age and fresh out of Bangkok, Thailand! She grew up in a Buddhist household and has never ever heard the words of Christ before, so she's a virgin to Christianity!





Now our last little lady that I've contacted comes from just south of the border from Ciudad Juarez, Mexico. She practices a bizarre mix of Mary worship and Santeria. Her English isn't that good, but I'm sure she'll understand "Jesus is Lord!" and "The KJV1611 is the True Word of God". She's 28, stands 5'10, weighs 130 lbs. Say Hello to Maria Belen!




Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.

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Default Re: Engagement announcement: Ofc. Richards and VickyOS - 06-20-2009, 02:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne View Post
Well that would be the cat's pajamas if we could fly in Pastor Deacon Fred's personal jet! I've contacted some of my missionaries and associates around the world, and I've found more women that are eager to join us for the bachelor party and the wedding!
Reverend,
I'm sorry if you misunderstood, I was saying that all of the planes except Pastor Deacon Fred's would be available with Pastoral approval.

And his personal jet would not be the best choice for more than three or four people. It is laid out more like and office/hotel room. He needs the space for the work he does while we are in the air.

Truth be told, I'm actually locked in the cockpit from the cabin side once we are airborne. Pastor Fred likes his privacy while he witnesses to the young people that usually travel with him. But I do here the words glory, praise, and God quite loud sometimes. He is quite enthusiastic when he is witnessing!




Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!



God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!



Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!
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Default Re: Engagement announcement: Ofc. Richards and VickyOS - 06-20-2009, 02:44 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne View Post
Now our last little lady that I've contacted comes from just south of the border from Ciudad Juarez, Mexico. She practices a bizarre mix of Mary worship and Santeria. Her English isn't that good, but I'm sure she'll understand "Jesus is Lord!" and "The KJV1611 is the True Word of God". She's 28, stands 5'10, weighs 130 lbs. Say Hello to Maria Belen!

This one's name is Mario, not Maria.

He used to work in London, in a club in old Soho...

Liked to drink Champagne and had a dark brown voice.

Reminds me of a song from West Side Story.


"Maria, I just met a boy named Maria..."


Bring those other girls to Roma and let some real salvation come their way.

What are they going to do in Freehold? The town is so small there is only one set of fake breasts! (Sorry BT)

For two thousand years we have set an example in Rome of how to convert the sullied women of the world... don't you think they would all look pretty good in Togas or Catholic school-girl uniforms?


Bless you, my Teflon trouser tramp,
Father Mo



.


A Cardinal in the making.

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Default Re: Engagement announcement: Ofc. Richards and VickyOS - 06-20-2009, 02:53 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Father Maurice Lester View Post
This one's name is Mario, not Maria.

He used to work in London, in a club in old Soho...

Liked to drink Champagne and had a dark brown voice.

Reminds me of a song from West Side Story.


"Maria, I just met a boy named Maria..."


Bring those other girls to Roma and let some real salvation come their way.

What are they going to do in Freehold? The town is so small there is only one set of fake breasts! (Sorry BT)

For two thousand years we have set an example in Rome of how to convert the sullied women of the world... don't you think they would all look pretty good in Togas or Catholic school-girl uniforms?


Bless you, my Teflon trouser tramp,
Father Mo



.
Why are you in here cluttering up a thread that is supposed to be a celebration of the engagement of this wonderful couple of lovebirds? Must you sully everything good and pure with your papist filth? Have you no sense of shame, you ring-kissing demon?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-20-2009, 04:43 AM

Now, now Father Mo. Let's not get bitter! I didn't forget about you, how could I? I realize these women truly need to be saved by the genuine and written Word of God, the English King James Bible from 1611. If I didn't give a hoot about their spiritual welfare, I would've tossed them to your Mary-worshipping self. Now, I understand we have our religious differences, my Papist friend, so in the spirit of compromise, I have decided to fly in some....other individuals, specifically and personally just for you, Father Mo.


This is David. He's 16, 6'0, 170 lbs, from Brisbane, Australia. Raised in an Anglican home, he has expressed interest in converting to Catholicism.




From behind the former Iron Curtain, comes best friends Vasily Niedov and Ivan Pushkin. Vasily is 15, Ivan is 17. They were raised Russian Orthodox, but as we all know, those Orthodox churchs were a heretical split from the middle ages, right?




Last, we have 15 year old Olaf, from that Godless Lutheran country of Norway. He's 6'1, 160 lbs.




Now, my dear Father Mo, please remember I am paying for these young unsaved boys to be flown out to Freehold for the Bachelor Party and Wedding at my expense. It is my gift to you. Personally, I'd rather see them become True Christians™ who accept the KJV 1611, but I will concede and let you and your Romanist pals take care of their souls.

No doubt you can spend hours in the confession booth with these boys, as they open up to you about all their sins. Their mouths will be sore after they confess all the sins they have done! And for penance, you can give them some Rosary Beads to play pray with.



Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.

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Default Re: Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-20-2009, 06:57 AM

I'm free from June 29. If you're going to be in Europe pick me up. I'll have two barrels of liquid refreshment.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-20-2009, 07:07 AM

I'm still waiting on the Pastoral approval. But if I get it, I'll save a seat for you Eliot. I wonder if Brother Wide will be able to make it?

And I need to let the Reverend know that all the girls that need saving need to be European. I did here from Pastor Zeke that no trips to Mexico or Brazil to pick up unsaved women will be approved.




Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!



God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!



Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!
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Default Re: Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-20-2009, 07:38 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
I'm free from June 29. If you're going to be in Europe pick me up. I'll have two barrels of liquid refreshment.
You're in the Czech Republic, right? I heard that Czech pilsner ginger ale really goes down smooth! Bring a couple kegs of that ginger ale!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
And I need to let the Reverend know that all the girls that need saving need to be European. I did here from Pastor Zeke that no trips to Mexico or Brazil to pick up unsaved women will be approved.
That's actually good judgement. God knows we can pick up the Swine Flu or some other tropical disease from those dirty women! I've went ahead and contacted more of my missionaries in Europe, so we can swing the AirJesus over to Europe, pick up the unsaved broads, Eliot, Wide-Open, all in one fell swoop. Here's more ladies ripe for conversion...

This is Ingrid, from Stockholm, Sweden. Six feet of Succulent Scandinavian Splendor! Raised Lutheran, now an atheist. I dare any man to take her on and convert her to the True Word of Jesus Christ!




Here we have Marcella, from Florence, Italy. She enjoys going to the beach and working out. She's a Papist who attends mass once a month, and she's a bit older, but it's never too late to save a soul, am I right gentlemen?




Now we come to Cristina, from Barcelona, Spain. Another innocent young lady brainwashed by the Mary-worshipping Papist cult. She plays the flute very well and is skilled in oral public speaking. She works as a dental hygienist.




Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.

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Default Re: Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-20-2009, 01:27 PM

Leave it to Daddy Mole to ruin this otherwise heartwarming thread about the Love between a Man and a woman!!!
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Default Re: Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-20-2009, 02:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SUV View Post
Leave it to Daddy Mole to ruin this otherwise heartwarming thread about the Love between a Man and a woman!!!
I know Sister SUV he Always ruins good things with his Lies
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Default Re: Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-20-2009, 05:23 PM

This is going to be fun I'm looking forward to it.

Where are we going to have my bachelor party? I haven't found a house yet, still looking.

About the unsaved women, it's a great idea to help keep our minds focused on missionary work. But because they're unsaved and foreign, we can't take any chances. I am going to bring a few extra pairs of handcuffs in case things get out of hand.
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Default Re: Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-20-2009, 05:48 PM

Looks like I'll be trucking in the adult 'Slip N Slide'......


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-20-2009, 11:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
And I need to let the Reverend know that all the girls that need saving need to be European. I did here from Pastor Zeke that no trips to Mexico or Brazil to pick up unsaved women will be approved.

I understand the need for this rule, brother. Among other reasons, Homeland Security is ever vigilant on flights from Latin America because of the drug & illegal alien smuggling problems. We wouldn't want them to get the wrong idea and board one of your flights, and discover that all these undocumented women are being flown directly to Freehold (even though it's for a Godly purpose).

However, my friend Rush Limbaugh makes frequent soul-saving trips by Learjet to the Dominican Republic, bringing with him badly needed consumer items and medicines such as black nylon stockings, pink panties and viagra. We might be able to get Rush to stop off in Freehold on his way back to Florida and drop off one of the young ladies who is desperate need of some loving counseling from elder white Christian males. I realize that there could be some risk with all these Latinas being infected with social diseases, but Rush is apparently an expert in these matters, plus in the interest of saving souls, no sacrifice should be considered too great.

Yours in Christ,
Brother Buford
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yours in Christ,
Brother Buford



The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.
- Rush Limbaugh
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Default Re: Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-20-2009, 11:40 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ofc. Don W. Richards View Post
This is going to be fun I'm looking forward to it.

Where are we going to have my bachelor party? I haven't found a house yet, still looking.
Brother Officer Don, let me hook you up with Marla Jennings, Freehold's most successful True Christian™ Real Estate agent. She can set you right up.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Officer Richards Bachelor Party - 06-21-2009, 01:53 AM

Quote:
Now, now Father Mo. Let's not get bitter! I didn't forget about you, how could I? I realize these women truly need to be saved by the genuine and written Word of God, the English King James Bible from 1611. If I didn't give a hoot about their spiritual welfare, I would've tossed them to your Mary-worshipping self. Now, I understand we have our religious differences, my Papist friend, so in the spirit of compromise, I have decided to fly in some....other individuals, specifically and personally just for you, Father Mo.
How very thoughtful and kind of you Rev. Jim. You are a True Christian to consider Father Mo's feeling so he does not get upset by being left out of the celebration!


Genesis 1:20-22
21And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
 

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