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Default Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-01-2010, 11:00 PM

"A lifetime of wisdom freely given to all."

Being a 83 year old True Christian™, having 9 sons, even some daughters and over 100 grandchildren, I know a lot about making children. Since I get a lot of questions about how children are made, I decided to write this guide so everyone can read the very important things I have to say about this. Please don't waste my time with stupid questions about this guide.

Read all of them: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to MAKING CHILDREN, RAISING CHILDREN and GETTING RID OF CHILDREN!

Step #1: Become a True Christian™!
In case you are not a True Christian™ yet, your first priority should be to become one. The Landover Baptist Church forum is filled with wisdom on how to achieve this, so I am not going to spend much words on this. In short what you have to do, as explained in 2nd Timothy 3:16, is to memorize the entire KJV1611 Holy Bible and do everything it says. Getting on your knees and praying to Jesus being an important part of that.

Step #2: Get a True Christian™ wife!
You have to marry a virgin True Christian™ wife. Those are not easy to find. If your father does not select one for you your Pastor can be of great help. Tithing a lot of money to your Pastor will usually increase the quality of the wife he will help you find. So be sure to tithe a lot of money! Marry a wife as young as is legally allowed where you live. Make sure she has great looks and can bake an excellent pie. Taste her pie before you marry her! Ignore retarded people babbling on about love and caring, they do not know what they are talking about!

Once you are married, all details on how you have to treat your new wife can be found in the KJV1611 Holy Bible, specifically 1st Timothy 2:11-12, Genesis 3:16, Matthew 18:25, Ephesians 5:28-29, 1st Corinthians 7:4 and 1st Corinthians 7:2. To summarize, your wife should be silent and do everything you command her to do.

Step #3: Have SEX!
This is the tricky part. Sex is an awful activity that has to be practiced exactly once for every child you want to make. It's a horrible despicable act that unfortunately has to be done to make the child. Details on sex can be found in Genesis 29:30 (about going into the women) and Leviticus 15:32 (about the seed you have to plant). Make sure you have sex at the proper moment during her "cycle". Don't even bother figuring out how that works, just ask your wife as she will know about this. Unfortunately, she is probably going to tell you about it even if you don't ask about it.

Step #4: Pray for a son!
Getting sons is easy. As explained in Matthew 6:6 just pray to God and as mentioned in Luke 18:27 you will get what you pray for. Your first child will of course always have to be a son. With the next children it becomes more tricky though. First of all your wife will start pressuring you for daughters. And daughters do indeed have some small practical applications as they can help your wife repairing damaged furniture, remove pet hairs and stains from carpets, clean up spills, clean your personal toilet every time you used it, remove stains from clothes, remove weird odors, clean the windows, fix your car, clean the face of your fireplace every day, remove candle wax from the carpet and all that other stuff they should not bother you with. But there is a more complicated issue to consider. Even though daughters are essentially worthless, your own sons will need True Christian™ wives as will the sons of other True Christians™. Unfortunately the only way to make this all work is to also have some daughters. And even worse, you will need extra sex to make those. Life isn't always easy.

Step #5: Wait 5 months.
Essentially all you have to do the next 5 months is to ignore some whining from your wife, just be firm with her, ignore all her unreasonable wishes and make sure she keeps up with all her duties.

Step #6: In the next 4 months start hitting your wife's belly with a rod, HARD!

As I explained in my insightful article on "Start hitting your child with a rod 16 weeks before birth!", after 5 months you can start hitting your unborn child with a rod. This way you prevent the child from going to hell, as explained in Proverbs 23:13-14 and at the same time you can discipline your wife for whatever she did wrong today. Unfortunately you will notice your wife getting fatter and uglier during this period. That is just the way God designed it. Don't forget to mention to your wife often that she is getting fatter and uglier to prevent her from overdoing it!

Step #7: Get out of town, FAST!
About 9 months after you had sex, make sure you are out of town! You never want to be around when the child is actually born! As explained in Genesis 3:16 God designed childbirth to be extremely painful to punish your wife for Eve's sins and all that clearly has nothing to do with you. Also in the first few days after birth the child tends to make a lot of noise, also something to avoid. Finally women tend to neglect their duties the first few days after childbirth. My personal recommendation for these events is to go on a nice long hunting trip with some good friends!

Step #8: Go home and check if the child is yours!
Wait at least a week after the child is born before you go home. Check thoroughly if the child is indeed yours. A True Christian™ DNA test is the least you should do here. If you suspect the child is not yours, e.g. the child is ugly, divorce your wife on the spot and start again at step #2. If you made very sure the child is indeed yours, congratulate yourself on a job well done! Make sure you do not allow your wife to forsake her duties. Some extra discipline might be needed to keep your household in proper order. It's also time to start raising your child now, as explained in Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to RAISING CHILDREN!

Conclusion
Congratulations! You now know everything you need to know to make your own children. The best way to conclude this guide is of course with the word of God: Genesis 1:28 "... Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth ..."


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Last edited by Cranky Old Man; 08-18-2010 at 10:14 AM.
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 12:15 PM

@Cranky Old Man You are so nice for sharing your wisdom with everyone! I wonder what nice husband my father is going to select for me when I turn 18.


I Jesus!
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 01:48 PM

Wise words from the mouth of a pure man
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 01:51 PM

<sigh>


2 Chronicles 7:14
14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land Australia.
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 03:09 PM

I might add comparing your results with other couples is important too.

If you are having many sons, keep up the good work, and let other True Christian® couples know of your success, ifyou seem to be stuck with too many daughters, cross check with other True Christian® couples and make sure you are doing everything correctly.

Remember, your Godly sons can father more Godly sons with daughters of families not quite so Blessed® and Exalted® as you should be.


Jud 1:15 To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are unGodly among them of all their unGodly deeds which they have unGodly committed, and of all their hard [speeches] which unGodly sinners have spoken against him.
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 06:26 PM

Before I rant: you people are wonderful and made my day! I laugh so hard at everyone of your twisted posts. Don't ever stop!!
First of all, I think you're a pedophile. Like for real. You are one creepy mother piffleer! And second you don't beat a pregnant woman with a stick, Maybe your mom did and that's why you came out so wacked. And third (even though there is so much to complain about) there is nothing wrong with a girl child being your first child. (Ill be back after I finish reading this article)
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 06:30 PM

If you're not both ENJOYING sex, you're not doing it right. TRust me, you're doing it ALL wrong.
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 06:30 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by twocalmcows View Post
First of all, I think you're a pedophile.
Why do you think that? I never had sex with anyone but my wife and she was 18 when we got married.

Quote:
And second you don't beat a pregnant woman with a stick
The point is to beat the child to prevent it from going to hell. Beating the mother is just a side effect. God is very clear on this:
  • Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."
  • Proverbs 13:24 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."
Quote:
And third (even though there is so much to complain about) there is nothing wrong with a girl child being your first child. (Ill be back after I finish reading this article)
Of course there is. Sons are very valuable, daughters are worthless. What would be the point of only having a daughter?


CANCER is a state of mind! Time to stop ALL healthcare!!!
Follow me on Twitter or burn in Hell for all eternity!

To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 06:33 PM

And also don't leave town while your wife is giving birth! It hurts a lot so I hear and Im sure shed want someone to be there with her even if they are some creepy religiously confused freak.

Thanks again for being completely ridiculous!
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 06:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tchoupitoulas View Post
If you're not both ENJOYING sex, you're not doing it right. TRust me, you're doing it ALL wrong.
You could not be more wrong. Sex is not supposed to be fun. It is something horrible we unfortunately have to endure to make children.

Sex being fun is an invention of satan to change women into whores and to lure both those women and the men they seduce into eternal damnation into the fires of hell.


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Follow me on Twitter or burn in Hell for all eternity!

To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 06:40 PM

and wow... daughters are worthless.... aren't you the sexist supremacist! Im sure your daughters would love to hear that..
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 06:41 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by twocalmcows View Post
And also don't leave town while your wife is giving birth! It hurts a lot so I hear and Im sure shed want someone to be there with her even if they are some creepy religiously confused freak.
You obviously didn't bother to read the scripture I provided.

Since you are too lazy to click on a link, I will do it for you. Genesis 3:16 "Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."

Childbirth being extremely painful is a punishment from God for all women because Eve sinned. This only involves women, so men should not be bothered with this.


CANCER is a state of mind! Time to stop ALL healthcare!!!
Follow me on Twitter or burn in Hell for all eternity!

To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 07:48 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by twocalmcows View Post
and wow... daughters are worthless.... aren't you the sexist supremacist! Im sure your daughters would love to hear that..
Why would anyone care what his daughters think about anything?


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-02-2010, 09:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
Why do you think that? I never had sex with anyone but my wife and she was 18 when we got married.

The point is to beat the child to prevent it from going to hell. Beating the mother is just a side effect. God is very clear on this:
  • Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."
  • Proverbs 13:24 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."
Of course there is. Sons are very valuable, daughters are worthless. What would be the point of only having a daughter?
It's a good thing I'm not married to you. You would jhave to learn how to please me in bed if you ever wanted to engage in any baby-making activities, and the first time you swung a stick at me would be the last time you drew a breath.
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-03-2010, 02:18 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
Of course there is. Sons are very valuable, daughters are worthless. What would be the point of only having a daughter?
Brother Cranky, I wouldn't say daughters are worthless, who else are our sons to marry?

Quote:
Originally Posted by twocalmcows View Post
And also don't leave town while your wife is giving birth! It hurts a lot so I hear and Im sure shed want someone to be there with her even if they are some creepy religiously confused freak.
I can tell from this quote that you have never had children. My husband was not there for any of the three times, my sister was there for one, and his aunt was there for the other two. Why would I want my husband there? All I've heard from couples where the husband was in the room is he got grossed out and she abused him for 5-25 hours.


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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-03-2010, 02:49 AM

Hey Cranky Phebe and I just got back in to town. And I am working on # 3, it might take more than a few times.
I want to make sure my seed is firmly planted.
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-03-2010, 05:29 AM

God bless you, Brother Cranky! If only I'd have your advice when I was younger I may have had sons instead of daughters. Of course I accept God's punishment for my many sins, but I can't help but wonder whether just a little more, and earlier, beating in utero might have produced sons.

Still, I rejoice that the young True Christian™ men here have your wisdom to guide them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt View Post
Hey Cranky Phebe and I just got back in to town. And I am working on # 3, it might take more than a few times.
I want to make sure my seed is firmly planted.
I'll spend an extra hour in my prayer closet tonight, Brother James, thinking about and praying for you and Sister Phebe in your Godly duties. I know that He'll reward your efforts!


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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-03-2010, 07:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BelieverInGod View Post
Brother Cranky, I wouldn't say daughters are worthless, who else are our sons to marry?
That is a good point. I should have said daughters are almost worthless.


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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-03-2010, 07:54 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt View Post
Hey Cranky Phebe and I just got back in to town. And I am working on # 3, it might take more than a few times.
I want to make sure my seed is firmly planted.
I am glad to see you are suffering for The Lord. But are you sure you are praying enough? Having sex one time should be enough to get a child. And don't forget what I mentioned about her cycle.


CANCER is a state of mind! Time to stop ALL healthcare!!!
Follow me on Twitter or burn in Hell for all eternity!

To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN! - 08-03-2010, 01:20 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
I am glad to see you are suffering for The Lord. But are you sure you are praying enough? Having sex one time should be enough to get a child. And don't forget what I mentioned about her cycle.
Praying before and after, we are following a very strict cycle, 4 times a day until she is with child.
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