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Reload this Page GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter
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Smile GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-08-2013, 01:56 PM

As you probably already know, an epidemic of homosexuality has been spreading around the local animals. This is due to the lenient, almost liberal attitude some have shown, in defiance of Philippians 3:2 which states "Beware of dogs". "Oh, they're just sniffing" you said. Well, now they're just sniffing, A LOT, and we've seen male dogs hunched over each other, as well as other acts I won't describe.

When Jesus faced an epidemic of demon-infested pigs, he didn't take a lenient attitude. He hit them, hard, until they ran to their deaths:

Mark 5:10-13:10 , Matthew 8:28-34; Luke 8:26-39.

Thankfully, our community has been up to the challenge, and we've had more than enough volunteers at the animal shelter to deal with all the abandoned gay animals. If you've been turned away, it's because priority is going to the kids. Read this heart-warming letter we received and you'll understand:
"Thank you mister for letting me kill fags. I got so hiper [sic] I wiggled the needle and hert [sic] Sirbarfsalot [name of the cat]. Maybe the pane [sic] made him repent if not hes [sic] barfing in hell now. The End. Yours trulie [sic] Jimmy.
Here's the problem though: everyone wants to inject the animals and watch them die, but we don't have enough volunteers to do routine things like clean up the poop (or the Santorum, as some would say). Worst of all nobody wants to touch the gay carcasses. No, kicking them down the hall is not sufficient, you have to actually pick them up.

As a bonus incentive we will have a free BBQ! We could use donations of buns and condiments, though no meat please, we have plenty. (I'm sorry my restaurant can do nothing to help, Obama's anti-business "food-safety" gestapo has been persecuting them ruthlessly, probably bugging every roadkill from here to Ohio.)

But I've gone off topic. Long story short, we need less injectors, and more corpse-tossers. Also, a lot of gay animals have ended up getting loose and now need to be hunted down:

"Jake" an unrepentant "bottom". A local corgie (recently executed) made him his bitch.
"Molly", lipstick lesbian to a bulldyke bulldog.
"Boo" the Pomeranian: no smoking-gun proof of his gayness, but just look at him. Permanently barred from entering Freehold city limits, may try to infiltrate.
"Bella" - first reported to be "just experimenting", now said to be the ringleader of a lesbian pack.

P.S. The proper name is "Freehold Animal Shelter", so please stop referring to it as "Meowswitz".

Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 02-08-2013 at 03:27 PM.
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Default Re: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-08-2013, 02:14 PM

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Originally Posted by Jeb Stuart Thurmond View Post
Here's the problem though: everyone wants to inject the animals and watch them die, but we don't have enough volunteers to do routine things like clean up the poop (or the Santorum, as some would say). Worst of all nobody wants to touch the gay carcasses. No, kicking them down the hall is not sufficient, you have to actually pick them up.

However, now Obama's anti-business "food-safety" gestapo has been following me like a hawk, probably bugging every roadkill from here to Ohio.
Is incinerating them alive an option? That way the animals are put down and their bodies disposed of at the same time and the food-safety gestapo would be off your back. Just an idea. It would be like watching them burn in hell, which unfortunately they will never get to experience since they don't have souls.


Mt 21:42, 44 Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes . . . ? And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.

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Default Re: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-08-2013, 02:17 PM

Can't you just put them in a sack and toss them in the river?


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Default Re: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-08-2013, 02:21 PM

you people are criminals ! there is no such thing as a gay dog and you are just doing this because you are hateful people ! you are trying to teach children to be killers you are the reason that there are so many mass killings in america i'm going to make sure someone at the SPCA and PETA sees this!!!!


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Default Re: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-08-2013, 02:27 PM

i couldn't edit my post I wanted to put that you all are going to go to hell for killing these helpless pets shouldn't you be helping them get owners who want them? People who want their dog killed shouldn't be allowed to get another one.


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Default Re: GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-08-2013, 06:30 PM

I know killing them is fun and all, but what about counselling...or a scared straight program? I think a good church counselor could practice on helping dogs go straight and then they can move up to humans.
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Default Re: GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-08-2013, 07:28 PM

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Originally Posted by Paragon of virtue View Post
I know killing them is fun and all, but what about counselling...or a scared straight program? I think a good church counselor could practice on helping dogs go straight and then they can move up to humans.
They have no souls, so what's the point?


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Default Re: GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-08-2013, 08:07 PM

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They have no souls, so what's the point?
Yeah that's true.
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Default Re: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-08-2013, 08:47 PM

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Originally Posted by Forest Spirit View Post
you people are criminals ! there is no such thing as a gay dog and you are just doing this because you are hateful people ! you are trying to teach children to be killers you are the reason that there are so many mass killings in america i'm going to make sure someone at the SPCA and PETA sees this!!!!
Oh, by all means, call in PETA. They won't care if the dog is gay, they'll kill it to save it from it's abusive life of being a dog.

It will save us the bullet.


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Default Re: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-08-2013, 09:12 PM

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Originally Posted by Forest Spirit View Post
i'm going to make sure someone at the SPCA and PETA sees this!!!!
I've heard those PETA-freaks like to have sex with animals.
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Default Re: GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-09-2013, 04:31 AM

Oh, I just thought getting them to reform would be good practice for the church counselors. We could always kill them after the confirmation and then send the meat out to young slopes and pikaninnies in Asia and Africa. Another idea is that we could warn the youth group about the dangers of that Satanic Pokemon by holding real "Pokemon" battles between the dogs out in the parking lot after Sunday school.
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Default Re: GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-09-2013, 09:52 PM

Is it also possible to make some extra profit by selling the meat to the Japs?
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Default Re: GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-15-2013, 11:19 PM

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Originally Posted by Nobar King View Post
Can't you just put them in a sack and toss them in the river?
If we do that we run the risk of creating gay fish and then gay bears. It is my understanding that Desmoins already has quite a few gay bears and we don't want to start getting them here.

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Is incinerating them alive an option? That way the animals are put down and their bodies disposed of at the same time and the food-safety gestapo would be off your back. Just an idea. It would be like watching them burn in hell, which unfortunately they will never get to experience since they don't have souls.
I dont know how we could do this without burning down the animal shelter, but that might not be a bad idea. Maybe we could lure them out with some quiche and Zeke could get them with his flame thrower.


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Default Re: GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-17-2013, 05:44 PM

Brother Jeb,are those Dogs born Gay or do they catch the Disease from Gay owners?
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Default Re: GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-17-2013, 06:36 PM

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Originally Posted by Once was lost View Post
Brother Jeb,are those Dogs born Gay or do they catch the Disease from Gay owners?
Like all homosexuals they made the lifestyle choice because they wanted to spit on the face of Jesus on the cross.
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Default Re: GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-18-2013, 07:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Stuart Thurmond View Post
Like all homosexuals they made the lifestyle choice because they wanted to spit on the face of Jesus on the cross.
In some ways dog homosexuality is more dangerous than human in its ability to create more human fags. When humans perform such abomination with each other we True Christians rightly call it a choice, but when animals do gay stuff the liberals point to it and say "see, it's natural!"

Obviously it's not natural but the liberals say that it is and the gay dogs are more than happy to back them up on it. The result is that more children decide to be queer.


Leviticus 13:40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.
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Default Re: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-18-2013, 07:19 PM

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Originally Posted by Titus Templeton View Post
I've heard those PETA-freaks like to have sex with animals.
So they kill them afterwards to make sure they don't talk?

NEVER LET INGRID NEWKIRK AND THE POPE TOGETHER, HE MAY GET SOME IDEAS!

That being said, I'm not sure what the big deal is. They don't have souls, they're just animals, just shoot them. It's not like there aren't enough straight dogs out there.


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Default Re: GAY DOG UPDATE: Help needed at Freehold Animal Shelter - 02-26-2020, 07:26 PM

Okay, so we decide to splurge (so to speak) and buy the robo-bitch. To be delivered any moment now, depending on how crappy the delivery driver is. Will it actually work? Can a dirty old dog be taught new, heterosexual tricks?

I hate to think of all the poor unconvinced puppies that will die gooey lube-and-latex-stinking deaths, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I do NOT want any more dogs on the lap of Satan! Bad Satan! Get your filthy paws off my pups! Bad Satan! Bad!


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