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Straight 4 Jesus! (Back Door Christians) At LBC, we will cure your perversion of choice (even if we have to stone you).

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Love Jesus Uppity Methodists - 02-28-2019, 03:45 PM

The United Methodist Church, which at one time practically begged homers to come inside and experience the Methodist Difference®, has reversed its stance and decided that LGBTQ+ members are no longer welcome to marry in their "church" and are no longer eligible for clergicalization. This has made them all the rage in Bible believing circles. Well, woopity-piffling do.


Baptists have NEVER welcomed openly gay homosexuals and never will. We would not permit an openly gay homosexual to be a minister in our fine organization. Do you see us bragging about it? No. Well I think it's time for that to change. I propose that Landover starts a massive publicity campaign showing wholesome straight families walking in the door of the luxuriously appointed sanctuary, with slogans like "We've always been Adam and Eve - NEVER Adam and Steve," "Your children are safe here - no homer caregivers in our nurseries," and "Would you want a homer to baptize you and possibly see your naughty parts when your clothes are soaked and sticking to your body in a sensual way?"


While my ministry to the homer population is one of compassion and love, and while I can relate to the pain and loneliness of the homer because God has allowed me to feel it in my spirit, I simply cannot allow Methodists to act like they're the only ones who deep down hate the gay people that enter their church doors. We must prove that we, too, have hatred and disgust - in a Godly, loving way - for the homer men and Lebanese women who try to falsely worship our risen Lord in a Baptist church.


Who's with me? I will personally put up $20 toward this campaign. Will you match my contribution?


Let's show the world the Baptist love of Jesus - the manly, tough love that Christ taught us to show. We'll put those mamby pamby Methodists in their place!


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Uppity Methodists - 02-28-2019, 09:28 PM

Excellent idea! We must not let this "progress" creep its ways into our sacred church doors. First thing you know, they will be re-decorating the nursery and trying to "Martha" the church suppers!! Let's do whatever we can to keep the devil away from our Godly premises!
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Default Re: Uppity Methodists - 03-08-2019, 05:12 AM

Dear heavens! I don't see what their big fuss is about, since all they are doing is following God's commands! I know this commandment is about giving alms, but it seems appropriate "But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth" (Matthew 6:3). No other church is making such a big fuss about it and God does hate a peacock. It also reminded me of Romans 12:3 which states "For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think [of himself] more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith:


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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Default Re: Uppity Methodists - 03-08-2019, 04:46 PM

Sister Elizabeth,


Your grasp of the Holy Bible is strong for a female. I am sure God is pleased with you and with your humility and grace. I know He allowed your husband to be viciously murdered, but there is a reason and time for everything. I see He hasn't blessed you with a husband yet but I urge you to have the faith of Sarah of old; she will teach you many lessons.


BrotherLarry


PS: Of course, you had your chance with me but your father was so slow to respond that I had to throw myself into my homer ministries. Your loss but God's gain.


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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