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Default my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 07:43 AM

I was low on toilet paper, so I didn't use the normal safety barrier of half a roll. A roll per session is my general rule, but I didn't have a full roll left.
Well, it happened. My finger went through the paper and I touched myself down there, actually it was more than just a touch. I think my finger went in a little.
Does this make me a homosexual?


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 07:50 AM

Why do you use toilet paper?


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 08:00 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
Why do you use toilet paper?
What do you use?


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 08:00 AM

Have you considered cutting off the finger?



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 08:01 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redeemed Papist View Post
Have you considered cutting off the finger?
It did offend me, perhaps I should.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 08:01 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
I was low on toilet paper, so I didn't use the normal safety barrier of half a roll. A roll per session is my general rule, but I didn't have a full roll left.
Well, it happened. My finger went through the paper and I touched myself down there, actually it was more than just a touch. I think my finger went in a little.
Does this make me a homosexual?
You may well have caught the gay brother Eliot.
Touching yourself in that way is certainly not what you want to let Jesus catch you doing.

You should always wear gloves as an added precaution, I know I always do.



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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 08:03 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha View Post
You may well have caught the gay brother Eliot.
Touching yourself in that way is certainly not what you want to let Jesus catch you doing.

You should always wear gloves as an added precaution, I know I always do.
I should have thought of that! I will in the future.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 08:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha View Post
You may well have caught the gay brother Eliot.
Touching yourself in that way is certainly not what you want to let Jesus catch you doing.

You should always wear gloves as an added precaution, I know I always do.
But aren't gloves just hand condoms?

The gays use condoms because they rightly fear God's holy AIDS and think they can thereby avoid His judgement.

That doesn't stop the abomination - it just makes it worse because they are trying to get round God who is always watching them.

His finger has offended him. For me there can only be one recourse. He has nine more chances to get it right in future.



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

Join me in scoffing at backwards Muslims clinging to their beliefs in the face of the evidence!
The truth about volcanos
Sex and debauchery in public schools
Faith wins over science (explained for even the very stupid)
God Cures AIDS - GLORY!
Desert whale bones prove Great Flood once and for all.
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 08:15 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redeemed Papist View Post
But aren't gloves just hand condoms?

The gays use condoms because they rightly fear God's holy AIDS and think they can thereby avoid His judgement.

That doesn't stop the abomination - it just makes it worse because they are trying to get round God who is always watching them.

His finger has offended him. For me there can only be one recourse. He has nine more chances to get it right in future.
I don't want to be too hard on Brother Eliot here as I'm sure his actions were unintentional.
When someone uses one of Satans balloons, they are doing it intentionally. To protect yourself from being infected by rectal demons by wearing gloves is merely not taking chances.
I'm not talking about rubber gloves here as those could certainly have alternative uses within the Freehold Community.
I'm talking thick woollen or cotton gloves.

Still, I daresay one finger wouldn't be missed by brother Eliot.

It was JUST ONE finger wasn't it?



Sister Talitha

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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 08:20 AM

You are wise, sister Talitha - your father clearly instructed you well - it's almost like you are thinking for yourself.

Cotton or wool would most definitely act as a much better barrier against accidental insertion and the cleaning of the garment would be a suitable penance for carelessness in allowing accidental peripheral contact as would anal chafing. Perhaps spreading mustard on the glove would likewise discourage the potential sinner from temptation to probe?

It's a shame brother Eliot didn't ask for your wise and motherly guidance before endangering his finger.



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

Join me in scoffing at backwards Muslims clinging to their beliefs in the face of the evidence!
The truth about volcanos
Sex and debauchery in public schools
Faith wins over science (explained for even the very stupid)
God Cures AIDS - GLORY!
Desert whale bones prove Great Flood once and for all.
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 08:29 AM

That happened to me, once. That's why I like waxy toilet paper. It isn't as soft as the Charmin, but it's more durable, with less risk of inadvertent contact.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 08:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King View Post
That happened to me, once. That's why I like waxy toilet paper. It isn't as soft as the Charmin, but it's more durable, with less risk of inadvertent contact.
Good call brother Nobar. The harder the better.

Of course, there are all kinds of mops and pads available, but most of them are no more than Homersexural m'ing devices.

***WARNING: LINK TO ANAL M'ING DEVICE***



Sister Talitha

Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 08:43 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha View Post
Good call brother Nobar. The harder the better.

Of course, there are all kinds of mops and pads available, but most of them are no more than Homersexural m'ing devices.

***WARNING: LINK TO ANAL M'ING DEVICE***
Yikes!

You could do worse and have one of those dreadful self pleasuring bidet devices the continental Europeans use. It took me ages to figure out why anyone would want to direct a jet of water thuswards. I'd been cleaning my feet in it for a week when I travelled to communist France to spread God's love for the saved and hatred for the wicked. Imagine my horror when the hotel brochure revealed the true masturbatory nature of it.


No wonder they are so depraved - they even get their children to direct jets of water at their parts!

afflicted nations one and all!



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 01:54 PM

It seems that it is against secular law to cut off your finger! It's my body and my right as A christian to do as Jesus wants me too! If I was a liberal slut, it'd be ok to have my baby murdered, but not for a Christian to follow God's word.
It seems if I cut my finger off, I'll be put in a "mental" hospital! I knew a True Christian ™ once who was put in one of those places. They didn't let him out until he was an atheist and he was just never the same. His eyes were always glazed and he didn't talk much either.
It's all the work of Satan, mental hospitals. We all know crazy people are just infested with demons!


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 02:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
It seems that it is against secular law to cut off your finger! It's my body and my right as A christian to do as Jesus wants me too! If I was a liberal slut, it'd be ok to have my baby murdered, but not for a Christian to follow God's word.
It seems if I cut my finger off, I'll be put in a "mental" hospital! I knew a True Christian ™ once who was put in one of those places. They didn't let him out until he was an atheist and he was just never the same. His eyes were always glazed and he didn't talk much either.
It's all the work of Satan, mental hospitals. We all know crazy people are just infested with demons!
Come around to my Circumcision clinic after Church tomorrow. I'm sure we can arrange something



Sister Talitha

Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 02:11 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha View Post
Come around to my Circumcision clinic after Church tomorrow. I'm sure we can arrange something
I appreciate the offer, but I'm off for 6 weeks to teach at a Jesus camp.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 02:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
I appreciate the offer, but I'm off for 6 weeks to teach at a Jesus camp.
You're teaching kids with a corrupt and possibly even gay finger?



Sister Talitha

Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 02:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha View Post
You're teaching kids with a corrupt and possibly even gay finger?
I've wrapped it up in duct tape.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 03:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
What do you use?
The answer is simple: Nothing.

Has God told us that we should use toilet papers?
Of course not. God gave us womans to clean the underwear everyday.

I don't use toilet papers since many years and everything is fine!
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 03:49 PM

Newspaper works well, too, for when you run out of toilet paper.


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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