Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Landover Today! > The Freehold Truth and Light Baptist newspaper
Reload this Page How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
The Freehold Truth and Light Baptist newspaper Featured editorials, letters to the GODLY Pastors of Landover, local news, advise columns.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
(#1)
Old
Ezekiel Bathfire's Avatar
Ezekiel Bathfire Ezekiel Bathfire is offline
Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
Christ's Rottweiler
 

One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Christian Love Real American™ Tithing Manager Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS True Scientist™ Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Senior Pastor Teabag Patriot TC Bravery Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Ex-Brit Eats the Most Pork True Republican Ex-eurotrash Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Kirk Cameron Fan Club Nuts for JESUS! Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Stamp of Approval Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Mower Donald Trump 2016! Anti-sodomy Pastor Ezekiel Aardvark Bathfire Crown of Life Alternative Facts Probing for Jesus 20,000 posts Saved 10 Years Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden

 
Posts: 22,727
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 10-28-2021, 06:36 PM

I have been asked how one might speak in person and directly to Landover’s beloved leader and inspiration, Pastor Ezekiel (Zeke) Flint.

This is an excellent question as Landover has, since 1620, prided itself (in a very humble way) on the accessibility of all its Pastors to all who seek Salvation. To that end, the following convenient and simple method is used:

However, before we progress, please note, that the necessity to speak to Pastor Flint will only occur if (i) you are still conflicted about the advice received from one of our many Pastors and (ii) it relates to matters that are of public interest to the fundamental issues of Baptist faith and (iii) the conflict is not addressed the Mission Statement (and supplementary documentation) of Landover Baptist Church.

If those very reasonable conditions are met, the following procedure should be followed.

At dawn, lay the carcass of a dove (not a pigeon) on the altar of the Lamentations Flint Chapel. At sundown of that day, a Pastor will appear unto you and he will ask you three questions related to your Faith. If you answer them correctly, he will provide to you a quill with which you will write your name upon the piece of papyrus provided. The Pastor will then instruct you to burn this papyrus in a fire made of tumbleweed. The following morning, Pastor Zeke will appear unto you, and at this point you may ask your question. I must warn you, show due respect and do not look him directly in the eye.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
Reply With Quote
(#2)
Old
Phil Ander's Avatar
Phil Ander Phil Ander is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture Flat Earth Christian Love Friend of Jesus True Christian™ The Lord’s Witness Wound Porn Resistant Persecuted Ex-Masturbator Eats the Most Pork Guns, Guts and GLORY! Trump of GOD Asked questions later Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud Team Fortress Denier Doctor True Scientist™ Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor

 
Posts: 666
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 10-29-2021, 02:59 PM

Pastor Bathfire,

Asking for a friend, would a $100,000 contribution to the Jet fund be regarded as a suitable alternative pathway to being granted an audience with Pastor Zeke?

Phil


58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD; 59 Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance. 60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee. 61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bringk upon thee, until thou be destroyed.


Deuteronomy 28: 58- 61
Reply With Quote
(#3)
Old
WWJDnow's Avatar
WWJDnow WWJDnow is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Christian Love 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Mission to Australia Saved 1 Year Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once One Year/1000 posts Porn Resistant Pro-Life Bronze Tither Eats the Most Pork Super Soaker Baptism Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus 2015 Witch Hunt Award Trump of GOD Asked questions later Persecuted Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Stamp of Approval Hands Off BFF of Jesus Polling for Christ Anti-Biden WWJD

 
Posts: 6,751
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, Redding, CA
WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-06-2021, 03:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phil Ander View Post
Asking for a friend, would a $100,000 contribution to the Jet fund be regarded as a suitable alternative pathway to being granted an audience with Pastor Zeke?
Yes, but you still need to sacrifice the dove.


Draft Freehold, Iowa Mayor
Johny Joe Hold
for Vice President in 2024
Reply With Quote
(#4)
Old
Phil Ander's Avatar
Phil Ander Phil Ander is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture Flat Earth Christian Love Friend of Jesus True Christian™ The Lord’s Witness Wound Porn Resistant Persecuted Ex-Masturbator Eats the Most Pork Guns, Guts and GLORY! Trump of GOD Asked questions later Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud Team Fortress Denier Doctor True Scientist™ Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor

 
Posts: 666
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-06-2021, 04:47 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Yes, but you still need to sacrifice the dove.
Thanks. I'll let my friend know.


Phil


58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD; 59 Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance. 60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee. 61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bringk upon thee, until thou be destroyed.


Deuteronomy 28: 58- 61
Reply With Quote
(#5)
Old
Dr. Anthony J. Toole's Avatar
Dr. Anthony J. Toole Dr. Anthony J. Toole is online now
An old soul
True Christian™

Heaven Bound Ready for the Rapture Real American™ Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Pro-Life Donald Trump 2016! Mission to Messico Touched by Jesus Christian Love Protected by JESUS Teabag Patriot Alternative Facts TC Bravery True Christian Caucasian True Scientist™ Doctor Get Behind Me Doctor - NO TEAM FORTRESS! True Christian™ Real American™ True Republican BFF of Jesus Ex-eurotrash True Christian™ Protected by JESUS Friend of Jesus Guns, Guts and GLORY! Trump of GOD The Lord’s Witness Wound Persecuted Prayer Warrior Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Ex-liberal QAnon Storm Chaser Tool of God Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor Sweet Toole Verified by Jesus Gold Tither Eats the Most Pork Saved 10 Years Platinum Tither Kirk Cameron Fan Club Stamp of Approval Crown of Glory

 
Posts: 5,204
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA-UK-France (traveling)
Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-07-2021, 08:08 PM

Please remind your friend that a dove is the minimum. A lamb or oxen would be preferable if your friend can afford it. If he cannot, well... one wonders about a friend who can only afford the minimum. Try to find a lamb, that's all I'm saying.

Quote:
Leviticus 5
7And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering.

11But if he be not able to bring two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, then he that sinned shall bring for his offering the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour for a sin offering; he shall put no oil upon it, neither shall he put any frankincense thereon: for it is a sin offering.


Draft Freehold, Iowa Mayor
Johny Joe Hold
for President in 2024
Reply With Quote
(#6)
Old
Joanna Lytton-Vasey's Avatar
Joanna Lytton-Vasey Joanna Lytton-Vasey is offline
True Christian™ Lady Extraordinaire, an Honorary Male Biblicist
 

Christian Love Heaven Bound Most Obedient True Christian Lady True Christian™ Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture Kirk Cameron Fan Club Touched by Jesus Quiverful Cleanest Kitchen Mother of 2 boys or 5 girls One Year/1000 posts The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Hatchet Child Rearing Award Ex-Brit Trump of GOD Roper Crossburn Grammar Nazi Donald Trump 2016! Trumpette Mission to Messico Hands Off Saved 1 Year 2015 Witch Hunt Award In Love With Zeke Pro-Life Ex-eurotrash Persecuted Stamp of Approval Mower Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts GLORY Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Team Fortress Rebuker Extraordinaire Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Polling for Christ Crown of Incorruptibility God's chosen ones Anti-Biden True Christian Beauty Midget porn survivor Crown of Rejoicing

 
Posts: 8,762
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Surrounded by heathens
Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-07-2021, 08:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole View Post
Please remind your friend that a dove is the minimum. A lamb or oxen would be preferable if your friend can afford it. If he cannot, well... one wonders about a friend who can only afford the minimum. Try to find a lamb, that's all I'm saying.
Lambs are seasonal, of course. In Godless Britain, it is quite difficult to find them until early Spring, though I dare say that if Brother Phil's friend happened to be in the Anti-Podes, an area which God has decreed should be eternally upside-down and back-to-front, it may well be Spring, or tomorrow, or last Tuesday. I honestly don't know how those people cope.

Oxen are of course plural, which is perhaps why a single dove might be preferred?


Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
Reply With Quote
(#7)
Old
Dr. Anthony J. Toole's Avatar
Dr. Anthony J. Toole Dr. Anthony J. Toole is online now
An old soul
True Christian™

Heaven Bound Ready for the Rapture Real American™ Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Pro-Life Donald Trump 2016! Mission to Messico Touched by Jesus Christian Love Protected by JESUS Teabag Patriot Alternative Facts TC Bravery True Christian Caucasian True Scientist™ Doctor Get Behind Me Doctor - NO TEAM FORTRESS! True Christian™ Real American™ True Republican BFF of Jesus Ex-eurotrash True Christian™ Protected by JESUS Friend of Jesus Guns, Guts and GLORY! Trump of GOD The Lord’s Witness Wound Persecuted Prayer Warrior Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Ex-liberal QAnon Storm Chaser Tool of God Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor Sweet Toole Verified by Jesus Gold Tither Eats the Most Pork Saved 10 Years Platinum Tither Kirk Cameron Fan Club Stamp of Approval Crown of Glory

 
Posts: 5,204
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA-UK-France (traveling)
Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-08-2021, 12:41 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
Oxen are of course plural, which is perhaps why a single dove might be preferred?
Thank you Sister. Most helpful. However, a single dove seems about one short; the Bible mentions two turtledoves. Three French hens or a partridge might be substituted at one's own risk or otherwise, to be certain of satisfaction, a lamb. One tenth part of an ephah* of fine flour may pass muster in a pinch, but why risk it?!


* an ancient Hebrew unit of dry measure equal to ą/₁₀ homer


Draft Freehold, Iowa Mayor
Johny Joe Hold
for President in 2024
Reply With Quote
(#8)
Old
Dennis Lukes's Avatar
Dennis Lukes Dennis Lukes is offline
Innkeeper for Christ
True Christian™

Friend of Jesus Protected by JESUS Wall of Jesus True Christian™ Christian Love Ex-Masturbator Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Inn Keeper for Christ Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Team Fortress Rebuker Extraordinaire Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars QAnon Storm Chaser TC Bravery Stamp of Approval Outreach preacher Wrath of God Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Guns, Guts and GLORY! Trump of GOD Asked questions later Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor

 
Posts: 2,730
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Not hacked by Mossad
Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-08-2021, 02:14 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
an area which God has decreed should be eternally upside-down and back-to-front, it may well be Spring, or tomorrow, or last Tuesday. I honestly don't know how those people cope.
Their upside-downedness is especially egregious considering the fact that they are just as right side up as every other country on this flat earth. Surely the cause must truly be the cumulative effect of generations of fetal alcohol syndrome.


Reply With Quote
(#9)
Old
Phil Ander's Avatar
Phil Ander Phil Ander is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture Flat Earth Christian Love Friend of Jesus True Christian™ The Lord’s Witness Wound Porn Resistant Persecuted Ex-Masturbator Eats the Most Pork Guns, Guts and GLORY! Trump of GOD Asked questions later Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud Team Fortress Denier Doctor True Scientist™ Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor

 
Posts: 666
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Phil Ander will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-08-2021, 10:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
I dare say that if Brother Phil's friend happened to be in the Anti-Podes, an area which God has decreed should be eternally upside-down and back-to-front, it may well be Spring, or tomorrow, or last Tuesday. I honestly don't know how those people cope.
My friend is a fellow congregant at Pastor Trewhella's Mercy Seat Christian Church in Milwaukee.


In Wisconsin, dove hunting season is from Sept 1 to Nov 29, so there is some time for my friend to bag a few, and perhaps put some in the freezer for off season applications to Pastor Zeke.


2019migratoryforecast.pdf (wi.gov)


Phil


58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD; 59 Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance. 60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee. 61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bringk upon thee, until thou be destroyed.


Deuteronomy 28: 58- 61
Reply With Quote
(#10)
Old
WWJDnow's Avatar
WWJDnow WWJDnow is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Christian Love 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Mission to Australia Saved 1 Year Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once One Year/1000 posts Porn Resistant Pro-Life Bronze Tither Eats the Most Pork Super Soaker Baptism Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus 2015 Witch Hunt Award Trump of GOD Asked questions later Persecuted Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Stamp of Approval Hands Off BFF of Jesus Polling for Christ Anti-Biden WWJD

 
Posts: 6,751
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, Redding, CA
WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-08-2021, 11:45 PM

There is no way on God's green Earth that I would sacrifice a frozen dove on Pastor Zeke's altar.

I agree that a bullock would be the best sacrifice, but please be sure that it is an unblemished bullock. If you don't have one at hand, they are available for purchase in the Church gift shop.


Draft Freehold, Iowa Mayor
Johny Joe Hold
for Vice President in 2024
Reply With Quote
(#11)
Old
Dennis Lukes's Avatar
Dennis Lukes Dennis Lukes is offline
Innkeeper for Christ
True Christian™

Friend of Jesus Protected by JESUS Wall of Jesus True Christian™ Christian Love Ex-Masturbator Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Inn Keeper for Christ Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Team Fortress Rebuker Extraordinaire Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars QAnon Storm Chaser TC Bravery Stamp of Approval Outreach preacher Wrath of God Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Guns, Guts and GLORY! Trump of GOD Asked questions later Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor

 
Posts: 2,730
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Not hacked by Mossad
Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dennis Lukes will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-09-2021, 12:26 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
There is no way on God's green Earth that I would sacrifice a frozen dove on Pastor Zeke's altar.
I don't care about doves. Most people don't care about doves. How is that a sacrifice? Seems to me a real sacrifice would be to slaughter the family pet as an offering unto Pastor Ezekiel.


Reply With Quote
(#12)
Old
Pastor Ezekiel's Avatar
Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 2014 Witch Hunt Award Stamp of Approval Mission to Korea Trump of GOD Uber Angels Driver Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Roper Crossburn Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Hands Off 2015 Witch Hunt Award Pastor Ezekiel Golden Bear Award Mission Long service medal, 2nd class Aardvark Asked questions later Heart of compassion Crown of Righteousness The Crown of Crowns Crown of Glory Crown of Incorruptibility Crown of Rejoicing Crown of Life BFF of Jesus Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Probing for Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Mission to the Philippines Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Anti-Biden British Royalty

 
Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-09-2021, 03:14 AM

JF Christ! I expect anyone who dares to address me directly to be a sin-free born-again LBC Christian. In case you're a sinner and wish to speak to me, you will have to be satisfied with communicating your whinings to me through Jesus my Pal. Just pray that He forward your pitiful yearnings to me. Anyways, I'm in communication with Him on a 24/7 basis. Of course, if you're a sinner, He will not hear you!
Quote:
Now we know that God heareth not sinners: but if any man be a worshipper of God, and doeth his will, him he heareth.

John 9:31
In addition, substantial donations to our Church are a good indication of a sincere will to become a follower of me and JFC - gold, platinum, palladium and in extreme cases decent amounts of silver accepted.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
Reply With Quote
(#13)
Old
Johny Joe Hold's Avatar
Johny Joe Hold Johny Joe Hold is offline
Mayor of Freehold
 

Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ True Christian Caucasian TC Bravery Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once One Year/1000 posts Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Mayor True Republican Teabag Patriot Ex-liberal Saved 1 Year Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Eats the Most Pork Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Mission to Korea Stamp of Approval Guns ablazin' Trump of GOD Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Pastor Ezekiel BFF of Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 5 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Team Fortress Rebuker Extraordinaire Sons of Liberty Saved 10 Years Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Polling for Christ Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor

 
Posts: 12,121
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: City Hall, Freehold, Iowa
Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 08-12-2022, 01:02 AM

I get really nervous when this happens. Liberty University just hired a head- hunting firm to help find it a new President. You have to know they will put Pastor Zeke on their list.

We don't know if Liberty can come up with a package to beat the one we pay him. I'm sure they will not give him an Airbus 320. All the same, let's be pouring love and money on our Pastor Zeke.


Liberty U names executive search firm to hire next president | U.S. News (christianpost.com)




Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
Reply With Quote
(#14)
Old
Dr. Anthony J. Toole's Avatar
Dr. Anthony J. Toole Dr. Anthony J. Toole is online now
An old soul
True Christian™

Heaven Bound Ready for the Rapture Real American™ Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Pro-Life Donald Trump 2016! Mission to Messico Touched by Jesus Christian Love Protected by JESUS Teabag Patriot Alternative Facts TC Bravery True Christian Caucasian True Scientist™ Doctor Get Behind Me Doctor - NO TEAM FORTRESS! True Christian™ Real American™ True Republican BFF of Jesus Ex-eurotrash True Christian™ Protected by JESUS Friend of Jesus Guns, Guts and GLORY! Trump of GOD The Lord’s Witness Wound Persecuted Prayer Warrior Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Ex-liberal QAnon Storm Chaser Tool of God Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor Sweet Toole Verified by Jesus Gold Tither Eats the Most Pork Saved 10 Years Platinum Tither Kirk Cameron Fan Club Stamp of Approval Crown of Glory

 
Posts: 5,204
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA-UK-France (traveling)
Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr. Anthony J. Toole will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 08-12-2022, 01:15 AM

Mr. Mayor, I took the liberty (pun intended) to bring the yearly poll forward so Pastor Zeke can see how much he is feared loved.


Draft Freehold, Iowa Mayor
Johny Joe Hold
for President in 2024
Reply With Quote
(#15)
Old
WWJDnow's Avatar
WWJDnow WWJDnow is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Christian Love 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Mission to Australia Saved 1 Year Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once One Year/1000 posts Porn Resistant Pro-Life Bronze Tither Eats the Most Pork Super Soaker Baptism Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus 2015 Witch Hunt Award Trump of GOD Asked questions later Persecuted Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Stamp of Approval Hands Off BFF of Jesus Polling for Christ Anti-Biden WWJD

 
Posts: 6,751
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, Redding, CA
WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!WWJDnow will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 08-13-2022, 07:33 AM

I sometimes fellowship with a guy whose brother works in the mimeograph office at Liberty. He told me that Pastor Ezekiel and Donald Trump are the two early favorites for the job. It makes sense--both embody the Christian values that Liberty promotes, both have led successful organizations that included prestigious universities, the Landover Baptist University and Trump University, both are beloved by the Lord, and neither is tainted by any hint of sexual scandal.

As a church community, we need to up the package we're offering Pastor Zeke to make it impossible for him to leave. What is the extra $100 or $200 million per year we'd need to pay him compared to the enlightened leadership Pastor Ezekiel provides? We could structure it creatively to include royalties on our tv ministries, tent revivals, traveling puppet shows, Biblical trading cards business, Pastor Ezekiel lunchboxes, the Thief in the Night podcast, church-branded disciplinary rods for beating children and wives, the Zeke of the Week screen saver app, the Baby Jesus line of infant clothing and accessories, Landover Baptist Church on Ice, etc. I'm sure the Jews in accounting and legal will have some great ideas on how to use offshore accounts to minimize the taxes.

We're the world's largest Evangelical megachurch. We're well enough endowed that we can offer Pastor Ezekiel a large package to make him stay. So let's make this happen!


Draft Freehold, Iowa Mayor
Johny Joe Hold
for Vice President in 2024
Reply With Quote
(#16)
Old
Johny Joe Hold's Avatar
Johny Joe Hold Johny Joe Hold is offline
Mayor of Freehold
 

Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ True Christian Caucasian TC Bravery Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once One Year/1000 posts Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Mayor True Republican Teabag Patriot Ex-liberal Saved 1 Year Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Eats the Most Pork Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Mission to Korea Stamp of Approval Guns ablazin' Trump of GOD Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Pastor Ezekiel BFF of Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 5 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Team Fortress Rebuker Extraordinaire Sons of Liberty Saved 10 Years Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Polling for Christ Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor

 
Posts: 12,121
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: City Hall, Freehold, Iowa
Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 08-13-2022, 02:08 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post

As a church community, we need to up the package we're offering Pastor Zeke to make it impossible for him to leave. ... We could structure it creatively to include royalties on our tv ministries, tent revivals, traveling puppet shows, Biblical trading cards business, Pastor Ezekiel lunchboxes, the Thief in the Night podcast, church-branded disciplinary rods for beating children and wives, the Zeke of the Week screen saver app, the Baby Jesus line of infant clothing and accessories, Landover Baptist Church on Ice, etc.
We're the world's largest Evangelical megachurch. We're well enough endowed that we can offer Pastor Ezekiel a large package to make him stay. So let's make this happen!
The problem we face are the opportunities for side hustles. Jerry Falwell Jr. is now listed as worth $100 million. Nearly all of this was wheeling and dealing side hustles in real estate while still President at Liberty. I'm aware Pastor Zeke now has some side hustles but for us to compete with Liberty, we will need bigger ones. Apparently, we have a little time before Liberty comes. Let's work on this.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
pastor ezekiel

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here



Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved