[Larry Lee]

Now that Valentine's Day is almost here, Landover's singles' Bible study is practically breaking out into armed conflict over the 'whereofs' and 'whatfors' of saddlebacking.

You can't hardly blame them. Because let's face it -- If Bristol Palin had saddlebacked a little more enthusiastically, it might have spared her from committing the sin of giving birth to an out of wedlock baby (which we still haven't seen photos of ).

But even so, it's verrrrry hard to believe God intended Eve's butthole to serve as a safety valve for preserving her purity. It just doesn't make sense, but unfortunately, I lack the scriptural foundation to prove my case.

[Nobar King]

These kids shouldn't even be in a room together with a door closed!! Can't they just get married first and have kids like normal Christians?

[Bobby-Joe]

Women are just a disgusting source of all kinds of problems. If they didn't go around forcing their fat, pus drooling bodies on men all the time we wouldn't have these problems. I suppose if you must have a sex with a woman the back door is the best place to do it.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Giving teenagers high sex drives before they are ready to marry is one of the ways in which, according to a superficial and Biblically illiterate perspective, the Lord might be seen as working at cross-purposes to Himself. In fact, I once had to rebuke a Christ-hater for suggesting that the Divine Lawgiver and the Intelligent Designer not only were separate, but also worked in different parts of the building and never spoke to each other. Nonetheless, as is always the case, a close reading of the Bible provides the answer.

God's holy and perfect Law is concerned with keeping a woman's hymen intact for her wedding night:

Deut. 22:13-19 (emphasis added): If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth [the tokens of] the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech [against her], saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these [are the tokens of] my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him; And they shall amerce him in an hundred [shekels] of silver, and give [them] unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days.

Note the part that I have emphasized: The tokens of virginity are conclusive evidence that she was a virgin on her wedding night. Provided that they are available to be presented into evidence, nothing else matters, even a history of saddlebacking.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

What on earth is "santorum?"