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Post Great bedtime story for children! - 10-03-2016, 03:22 PM

Lisa has two dads! What is Billy to do?
by George and Anne Sayne

Billy woke up from a long day of sleep. He then read his Bible, did his chores, did his studies, and everything else he was to do that morning. "Guess what, Billy?" His mother said "When dad gets home, he will take us to Lisa Smith's house! I will help Lisa's mother make supper while dad and Mr Smith do things like hunting and watching the Saturday game. Then, we will eat and you and Lisa can play while me and Mrs. Smith watch to make sure you don't do anything bad" Billy jumped up and down "Yay! This will be so fun!" Billy exclaimed "And we can finally meet Mrs. Smith!" Billy and his mom and dad had never met Mrs. Smith. Every time Lisa comes over, Mr. Smith drops her off and leaves. Billy has never seen Mrs. Smith. After all, Billy's dad is thinking of purchasing Lisa for her to marry Billy in some years, and the dad is the one who needs to help make the descision.

Billy was in his room all day reading his Bible, waiting for his mother to say

"Billy, lets go" The time had finally come! Billy put on his shoes and went to the car. His dad drove, while his mother was on the passenger side and Billy sat in the back. He could hardly contain his excitement! "You're driving on the wrong side of the road, David." Billy's mother started nagging. "Slow down, David, you hit the speed limit" "Well what do you know about driving, Jen, you're just a woman." Uh oh. Billy got antsy. He knew his dad was going to pull over to beat his mother. Billy knew this was the right thing, but it made the drive so much longer!

"We're here!" Billys dad said. They went up to the door and Billy knocked.

"Hello?" A strange man said, holding the door open from the inside. "Who are you?" said Billy's dad. "I'm Lisa's father. I see we haven't met" Lisa's father? Billy knew Lisa's dad. He was white and had light brown hair. He had a distinct face. This man looked Asian, and the kind of person you would see on the regular old sidewalk.

"You're not Lisa's dad. I know him!" Billy said. "I am her dad! Lisa has two!" This was strange to Billy. He thought he had read about this somewhere. He asked his parents "Mom, how come Lisa has two of the same parent?" His dad said, "Some kids do. Sometimes, the same kind of person marry and adopt kids. You have to be tolerant of them"

Billy wanted to listen, but it didn't feel right. Even when Lisa asked, Billy didn't play with her. He picked at his food and didn't eat much. He hardly talked that night.

When Billy got home, he still thought about where he read about this. He thought about Lisa and her dad and her other dad. He thought what his own parents had said, "You have to be tolerant of them" it still didn't feel right.

"I know" Billy said "I'll read my King James Bible!" And that's just what he did. He had already read through Genesis and Exodus. He was in the middle of Leviticus, as he came upon Leviticus 20:13. Billy knew just what to do.

"I want to go to Lisa's house!" Billy said. "Ok I suppose we can. I left my sweater there by mistake, anyways, and we need to pick it up" his mother replied. They came to Lisa's house. "Lisa, where is everyone else?" "My dads are taking a nap. They are in the big bedroom at the end of the hallway"

While Billy's mother searched for her sweater, Billy went to the kitchen. Lisa was in her room cleaning, and didn't see Billy. He scavenged through all the drawers and shelves, until he came across a big knife.

He went to the big bedroom at the end of the hall. He looked back at his Bible and then at the people in the bed. "Yup, it sure is a man lying with mankind alright." Billy thought. He said a quiet prayer, and stabbed both of them.
The End!


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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-03-2016, 05:06 PM

George was educated in public school, wasn't he? Besides the grammar and verb tense inconsistencies, the sporadic apostrophes placed almost as stingily as a Jew preparing his taxes, and the simplicity of the writing, the story line wasn't very strong. Little Billy is hardly the hero of this story, as a Christian story hero would have read the entire Bible, including Paul's letter to the Romans in which he demands Christians adhere loyally to the legal system under the authority of which they find themselves (Romans 13:1-7).

As it stands, Little Billy's story would continue in a home for juvenile delinquents until his 18th birthday, suffering under the tutelage of homo-supportive liberal "psychologists" who would encourage Billy to explore sexual deviations and perversions. These wouldn't be hard as Billy would suffer from the eager advancements of older, aggressively perverted delinquents. Jesus would laugh at his troubles (Psalm 2:4), and then while Billy's bitterness and trust issues whittle away at his faith, would gleefully toss him into the fiery pits of Hell the moment after Billy takes his last breath, to suffer an even worse fate at the end of Satan's barbed tallywhacker for all eternity.

Glory!


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-03-2016, 05:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne Sayne View Post
He was in the middle of Leviticus, as he came upon Leviticus 20:13.
Well, technically he was about three quarters of the way through Leviticus, wasn't he?

This was definitely my favorite bit.
Quote:
The End!


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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-03-2016, 05:29 PM

George and I both made the concept of the story and the basic idea, but I did the actual writing (well typing in this case) While I typed, he gave me instruction"s on what to write about and things like those. Being a woman as i said many times, we have bad English skills. I was "educated" in a PS but that was when i was methodick. As I teach the children from our Creation Science cirriculum, i learn with them because I wasnt educated properly.

By the way, you have an interesting theory on what happens next. We might write what we think happens next, but for now i personaly dont really like analyzing childrens books. Theyre all really dumbed down from literature and even THIS book is complicated compared to otther childrens books, which have a vocabulary limited to cat, hat, rat ,mat , ect.


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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-03-2016, 06:03 PM

I don't think my sister in Christ Joanna has bad English skills at all. She's quite clever enough to converse in perfect American, even despite her handicap of having been born and raised in the Godless, Muslim-infested UK.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-03-2016, 06:55 PM

You are much too kind, Sister Mary. Of course, I did have the benefit of being properly and decently home-schooled by my mother and my American grandmother. As a result I am bilingual, as are my own dear children.

I was wondering whether this story (which is clearly unsuitable for pre-literate children) might serve as a useful exercise for the under-8s: "Correct the grammar and punctuation and point out the more obvious aberrations from the KJV", perhaps. But I suspect it would be too dull for my boys, whose choice of bedtime reading currently tends toward Deuteronomy.


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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-03-2016, 07:19 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne Sayne View Post
Being a woman as i said many times, we have bad English skills.

Indeed, you have pointed out on numerous occasions that you are a woman. This gives me pause. . .


And while the Bible has much to say about the status of women and the ideal means by which we are to conduct ourselves, it does not specifically require us to be functionally illiterate.


But then, some people will seek out any remotely plausible excuse.


Suspiciously Yours,


Handmaiden


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Cool Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-03-2016, 10:42 PM

Mordecai and Sol


Once upon a time, Mordecai was walking toward Jerusalem to visit his friend, Sol. His name was actually Solomon, but all the boys and girls called him Sol, most affectionately.


Mordecai passed a gentleman tending a large flock of goats. He noticed the gentleman seemed troubled.


"You seem troubled, said Mordecai. "Are you ill? The man, whose name was Yeshech, said: "I am fine, son, but I am worried that I will not live to see Meshiach."


Mordecai could only nod. His voice husky with emotion, Mordecai said, "May he come very soon, sir - even today, so that your smiles may be broad as the sea."


Yeshech, his voice husky with emotion, said, "A blessing on your head, young man. Truly G_d has shown favor to your family by blessing them with such a son."


Mordecai could only nod. His voice husky with emotion, he finally summoned the ability to say, "Thanks." Mordecai walked on toward the home of his friend. He saw Sol waiting in front of his home, and the two young men embraced and gave each other a holy kiss.


Sol said, "Shall we play with our dreidls or would you prefer going to tend my sheep?" Mordecai thought a moment and said, "Let us go to the wall and offer prayers that Meschiach will enter the gates, bringing joy and peace to the nation of Israel." Sol said, "Oh, fine! What a wondrous idea." So the boys headed for the Kotel. Upon arrival, they began to shuckle. Suddenly, a gentile, smelly and unclean, walked up to the boys and said, "Why do you sway back and forth like that, Jew boy?"


Mordecai and Sol thought for a moment. Then Sol said:


"Swaying back and forth during prayer and Torah study is a legitimate custom. It is often called 'shuckling'. Several reasons are offered for this custom:
  • The soul is akin to a flame. Just as a flame always flickers and strives upward, so too the soul is never still, constantly moving and striving to reach upward towards G_d.
  • Shaking allows you to pray with your whole body, as King David said "Let all my bones exclaim: G_d, who is like You!”
  • When we stand before G_d in prayer, we tremble in awe of the King of Kings.
  • The book of the Kuzari gives a historical explanation for 'shuckling.' He explains that it originated during a period when there was a book shortage and several people needed to study from the same book at the same time. To allow as many people as possible to study from one book they would sway alternately back and forth. This allowed each person to look into the book and read a little bit, and when he swayed back, another person could sway forward and look into the book.
But swaying in this matter is a matter of custom and personal preference. A valid alternative to shuckling is to stand completely still, like a soldier standing at attention in front of the king.
Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, of blessed memory, one of the foremost halachic authorities of the previous generation, was known to stand perfectly still during the silent prayer. He explained that while living in Russia he was once arrested for teaching Torah. One form of torture he experienced during his imprisonment was being forced to stand completely still facing a wall. The threat was that if he were to move he would be shot. It was on one of these occasions that Rabbi Feinstein was struck with the realization that if he could stand with such intense concentration for the sake of his captors, then he should afford at least the same respect when standing in front of G_d.

Deciding whether to 'shuckle' or stand still depends on which one helps you concentrate better. Does my explanation help?"


The rude Gentile said, "It just makes you look silly." And he walked away, never to know the joys of the anointed one when he appears.


After shuckling for a while, they decided today was not the day when Meschiach would arrive, so they went home and played with Sol's dreidl.


The End


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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-04-2016, 12:05 AM

Nice story, you Joo. Very nice.

I'll tell you other story. One where Trump wins, and quits supporting your country (the one you are more loyal to, not the one you live in), and gives Putin all the middle east because he just doesn't care.


Just a story, my friend, just a story.
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Michael Hezekiah Esq is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Michael Hezekiah Esq is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Michael Hezekiah Esq is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Michael Hezekiah Esq is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Michael Hezekiah Esq is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Michael Hezekiah Esq is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Michael Hezekiah Esq is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Michael Hezekiah Esq is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Michael Hezekiah Esq is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Michael Hezekiah Esq is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Cool Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-04-2016, 04:46 AM

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Originally Posted by Unbridgeable View Post
Nice story, you Joo. Very nice.

I'll tell you other story. One where Trump wins, and quits supporting your country (the one you are more loyal to, not the one you live in), and gives Putin all the middle east because he just doesn't care.


Just a story, my friend, just a story.

I am so pleased that you enjoyed my story. The problem with yours is that it is a nightmare and not a good thing for children. In this case it is not good for adults either. Unless you enjoy nuclear war, a failed economy, and a president who will judge people on their physical fitness, which is contrary to the way G_d thinks. (1 Samuel 16:7) I will share another story shortly. Shalom!


Michael
PS: It's JEW, not JOO. An honest mistake, I'm sure. And since I have been courteous to all of you, I would hope you'd be courteous to me. I have a name. Michael. Please use it.


A half truth is a whole lie.
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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-04-2016, 04:55 AM

The Rainbow Colored Land


This is a very popular children's story for the young Jewish community. It is by Bracha Goetz, who is well known for her delightful stories for young readers! I hope you will all enjoy it and perhaps share it with your little ones, too. - Mike H.


Once upon a time I went to a birthday party. They gave out all different colored balloons. I got a blue one. But I wanted the bright red one that Suzy got. I put up a great big fuss until they gave me a red one just like Suzy's. But then something very strange happened.


As soon as I got that bright red balloon in my hand, it wasn't so bright red anymore. I thought the balloon must have had a problem or something, but then...
The same thing happened with the pretty pink jacket I wanted incredibly badly. Just as soon as my mother finally bought it for me, it must have changed color or something. I couldn't figure out why it wasn't that pretty, pretty pink anymore.


And then there was the day when the Luscious Lollipop, Most Marvelous Markers, and even the Totally Riveting Rainbow Colored Ices I had had major tantrums for, all changed color on me - immediately after I had them in my hands. Something was definitely going on. But I didn't know what.


Then that night I had a dream. I dreamed I was in Rainbow Colored Land. All over the place were lots of make-believe boys and girls. And they were all holding tons of toys and games and ices and candy and more stuff like that. And everything was rainbow colored! It was raining there, and it looked even more pretty that way because the raindrops were colored sprinkles that just made Rainbow Colored Land sparkle even more.
There was a funny rainbow colored clown there, holding hundreds of rainbow balloons. I walked up to him, and picked out my very favorite one. But the moment I had it in my hand - oh no - it started losing its colors.
A sparkling rainbow princess was standing at the entrance to her rainbow palace. She had loads of rainbow ice cream cones to give out. I ran towards her as fast as I could, and grabbed the most sparkling cone I saw, but then - I'm sure you guessed it - all of the sparkling colors just started melting away before my very eyes.


Quickly, quickly, I tried to grab everything that I possibly could in Rainbow Colored Land. I grabbed rainbow licorice sticks, rainbow ribbons, such beautiful rainbow dolls, and even rainbow chewing gum. But right away all their colors started disappearing!


"Please! Please!" I called, "Don't go away rainbow colors!" And the colors stopped disappearing.


"THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" I shouted. Do you know what happened then? ALL the wonderful rainbow colors came back. And they were sparkling more than ever before. Even the rainbow balloon and rainbow ice cream cone that I still had in my hands became as bright and shiny as could be!
I tried it again and again, and it worked each time. As long as I said "thank you" whenever I got something, it kept its rainbow sparkle.
And get this - if the colors started to go away later on - after awhile - all I had to do was say "thank you" even just inside of my heart - and then suddenly all the rainbow colors would burst back to life!


"THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" I shouted. And then I opened my eyes.


There was my Mom, standing right next to my bed. She was looking at me in a very funny way.


"Did I hear you say what I think I heard you say?" she asked. "Did you actually say 'thank you'? I didn't even know you knew those two words until now!"


I rubbed my eyes, and smiled up at my mother. Oh! I sure knew those words now. And I knew what they could do too. But... was Rainbow Colored Land just a dream - or was it real? I had to find out.


When my mother went out of my room, still puzzled, I walked over to my window and looked out.


It was raining outside.


And the rain didn't look at all like colored sprinkles falling down. But then I tried it. I said "thank you" very softly someplace inside my heart. And oh. The world began to sparkle!


A half truth is a whole lie.
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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-04-2016, 05:03 AM

Since this thread seems to have been hijacked by that whats-his-face Joo person and now should be titled "The Greatest Collection of Boring Jew Stories," here is an actually funny Jew story:

Once upon a time there was a Rabbi. One day the whole area where he lived got flooded. Rabbi got to the roof of his house and started praying to God for salvation.

While he was praying, a rescue boat came by. "Come with us, Rabbi!" the rescuers shouted. But Rabbi answered: "No, I have faith in my God and He will perform a miracle and save me." So the boat went away.

Two more boats came by, but Rabbi gave them the same answer.

Then the water level started to rise again, it went above the roof of Rabbi's house and Rabbi drowned.

He meets God at the Gates of Heaven and asks: "God, I prayed, I believed, I hoped for a miracle, why haven't you saved me?" And God answered: "You idiot, I sent you three boats!"



All Jews are so dumb.
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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-04-2016, 03:00 PM

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Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
Since this thread seems to have been hijacked by that whats-his-face Joo person and now should be titled "The Greatest Collection of Boring Jew Stories," here is an actually funny Jew story:

Once upon a time there was a Rabbi. One day the whole area where he lived got flooded. Rabbi got to the roof of his house and started praying to God for salvation.

While he was praying, a rescue boat came by. "Come with us, Rabbi!" the rescuers shouted. But Rabbi answered: "No, I have faith in my God and He will perform a miracle and save me." So the boat went away.

Two more boats came by, but Rabbi gave them the same answer.

Then the water level started to rise again, it went above the roof of Rabbi's house and Rabbi drowned.

He meets God at the Gates of Heaven and asks: "God, I prayed, I believed, I hoped for a miracle, why haven't you saved me?" And God answered: "You idiot, I sent you three boats!"



All Jews are so dumb.

Of course, what you are trying to tell the dunce-headed little man is that God sent the Jews at least three prophets to help them get saved and avoid hell-- , Himself; the Apostle Paul and our own .


Why can't they see what is right there in front of them?


Chorusly Yours,


Handmaiden


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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-04-2016, 03:58 PM

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Originally Posted by Michael Hezekiah Esq View Post
I am so pleased that you enjoyed my story. The problem with yours is that it is a nightmare and not a good thing for children. In this case it is not good for adults either. Unless you enjoy nuclear war, a failed economy, and a president who will judge people on their physical fitness, which is contrary to the way G_d thinks. (1 Samuel 16:7) I will share another story shortly. Shalom!
I'm so sad you did not enjoy mine! I will try to make it up to you!
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Originally Posted by Michael Hezekiah Esq View Post
PS: It's JEW, not JOO. An honest mistake, I'm sure. And since I have been courteous to all of you, I would hope you'd be courteous to me. I have a name. Michael. Please use it.

"Joo" is a term of endearment where I live. To call you "Jew" will be considered very cold. And there are several Michaels in this forum, to call you that would be distant as well. I prefer to call you "Joo" as you are the one and only, so it will be a clear and close communication.


Please do not consider me an "anti-semitic" or "anti-jew"! I'm not. I do only the things that the bible tells me (as kicking some of you out of the temples, for example, sometimes wearing masks and beisball bats, but that's another story)
I even have a Jew friend!. One. He is very kind and we like to play games. For instance, he plays a game where he tries to Jew me out of my savings and I discover him and sing "Hey Jew", with the music of Hey Jude.

Before I discovered it was evil, I used to go with him to some self-defence classes, of the martial art called "Jew-Jitsu"

There's another game where we kidnap him on Friday evening, just after the first star is up in the sky. We lock him in a room with no food or water, but we do not really lock the door. As it is a metal door, we have lots of laughs while he debates between getting out to get some food or to keep the Sabbath. We usually throw a big barbecue on Saturday noon, in the room next to where he is.

Yes we have a lot of fun!
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Default Re: Great bedtime story for children! - 10-09-2016, 01:25 AM

Regale your offspring with the first recorded incident of someone actually being bored to death.


Acts 20:9



And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep: and as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft, and was taken up dead.



Now this not only shows a preacher who knows his stuff, but it is a stern reminder to children not to fall asleep in church. Tell this story to your little ones before it is time for them to go to bed and watch them just drift off.


Dreamily Yours,
Handmaiden


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