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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-13-2014, 12:51 AM

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Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
As a Republican, I believe in fiscal responsibility. How can we advocate for an end to deficit spending in government if we're not able to set a good example in our own church?
When Jesus is coming any day now and with him the end times? You want to worry about a little deficit spending?

Tell me FM, what if Jesus comes tomorrow and finds his representative on earth riding around in a Dodge Dart? Is he going to want to rapture people who treat those who preach his word so poorly? If anything we should be spending more money! All debts will be erased!

All this crazy talk about saving money for a world that may be gone in a few days. It's almost like you don't think you'll be raptured! Next you'll tell me to start flossing!


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-13-2014, 04:05 AM

Hello Brothers & Sisters!

Although I'm only a minor investor in Landoverbaptist™ Enterprises, finance is my area of expertise and I feel that it is my duty as a True Christian to offer some friendly advice.

First off, when it comes to CEO compensation, the sky should be the limit. Most people have no idea how hard we CEOs work - just because we spend an inordinate amount of time on golf courses does NOT mean we aren't working. As a matter of fact, I'm on the driving range of the Hong Kong Country Club right now as I dictate this message to my supple-limbed Chink secretary. It's 11:00 AM Sunday here, stinking hot, but I feel the need to be here sipping a piña colada because I'm conducting a business meeting as we play - just got finished passing on some stockmarket insider-trading tips to a Chink government official in exchange for getting him to toss out a few environwacko regulations that were preventing my company from dumping cadmium waste into the Yellow River just upsteam from several fishing villages.

Yeah, that's right, even the Chinks got an EPA now - the more money they make, the more uppity they get. It's all the fault of them western bleeding-heart liberals, who insist that Chinks should have "human rights." Like they was human, or something.

But I digress. Like I was saying, CEOs need their golf courses, Learjets and fact-finding missions to massage parlors in the Dominican Republic and Cambodia. You've got to spend money to make money. So if your company's profits seem to be a little lean right now, the last place you should be looking for savings is to cut CEO compensation. Rather, consider the possibility of using prison labor rather than minimum wage workers or illegal immigrants. My company's privatized prison subsidiary, Uranus Gulag, Inc, is the place to go for one-stop shopping for all your church's need. We can supply Bibles, furniture, chain-gang construction crews, goon squads to attack abortion clinics, and even security. That's right - we've found that prison trustees make great security guards, having learned from first-hand experience the proper use of tasers, nightsticks, attack dogs and how to plant drugs on people you don't like.

Of course, you can only take cost-cutting so far - there is still a need to generate revenue, and I think that I can offer some good opportunities here, especially in the gaming industry. And I don't mean video games. The fact is that nowadays casinos are booming business, though sadly not in the USA. Perhaps you've heard of the city of Macau, where my company has heavily invested in new casinos to help mop up China's wealth as fast as we can open a new prison factory.


Macau casino


More profitable than our privatized prisons!


Chink gamblers

Aside from having over 1 billion suckers to extract wealth from, Chink casino workers come cheap. No minimum wage around here. Indeed, most of them don't even have to be paid - they are working off debts incurred by family members and passed down through the generations. All we've got to do is feed and house them - cheap to do since they eat rice and are happy to sleep on top of packing crates in warehouses and shipping containers.


80-pound card dealer doesn't eat much

Our profits in Macau have skyrocketed so fast that we are even considering abandoning the US casino market. I know that sounds crazy, but fact is that the US middle class is rapidly disappearing. My company did a survey recently at a local Wal-Mart to determine the income of customers, and were shocked at what we found:


Annual income: $17,000


Annual income: $15,000 (ie disability checks & food stamps)


Annual income: $13,000


Annual income: $10,000


Annual income: $8,000


Combined annual income: $7,000

Of course, we've still got some elderly folks willing to gamble away their social security checks. But that market is going to dry up as social security goes bankrupt.


Living on borrowed time

Now you might ask what all this has to do with the Landoverbaptist Church? Well, that's what I was getting to. Now that the Chinks got all the money, lots of them are making trips abroad, and a fair number now visit the USA. We've tried to attract them to our Las Vegas casinos, but quite frankly they find the experience so inferior to what they can get in Macau that they aren't much interested. However, they are greatly amused at the freak show like you can see pictured above at Wal-Mart - we've had busloads of Chinks visit Wal-Mart and pay customers to pose for photos. Unfortunately, we're finding that this disrupts the shopping experience, with many customers avoiding our stores (except to dig through the dumpsters).

That's where the church comes in. I think we can bring in busloads of paying Chink tourists every Sunday if you can get the congregation to pose for photos. The money would go straight to the church's coffers. We'd also be willing to kick in some compensation for the worshippers - maybe some boxes of Hostess Twinkies and Ding-Dongs, whatever they like.

This sounds like a win-win to me!

By the way, I just want to put the kabosh on all those rumors that food additives in our products sold in Wal-Mart are in any way related to the obesity and apparent mental illnesses of the customers. There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that adding steroids, growth hormones, antibiotics, Round-up™ weed killer and Prozac to food has any negative effect on human health.


Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred
CEO, The Uranus Corporation
Put your faith in Uranus!


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-13-2014, 04:07 AM

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Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
As a Republican, I believe in fiscal responsibility. How can we advocate for an end to deficit spending in government if we're not able to set a good example in our own church?
Maybe we should try auctioning off some indulgences on jeBay.


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-13-2014, 03:21 PM

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Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
As a Republican, I believe in fiscal responsibility. How can we advocate for an end to deficit spending in government if we're not able to set a good example in our own church?
I'm surprised at you, Faith Machine.

Even you must know that Republicans aren't opposed to big spending. They are only opposed to big spending if it benefits the liberals, the lazy, or undeserving ethnic groups.

The more cash we can pour into the military, into abstinence only education, into defending traditional marriage, and into oil companies, the better off we'll be.



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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-13-2014, 05:26 PM

I join FM in his efforts to ensure that our tithes and love offerings are being used to reach souls rather than finance trips to Aruba and fancy SUV's. My Mercedes S Class was a gift from Jesus for having a tasty pie. Pastor's sermon this morning lasted exactly 7 minutes, but the time spent collecting the offering was almost 29 minutes while we heard Sister Maude singing the same dreadful song she sings each week.

Father and Mother were approached about increasing their tithe, and I don't know who did this, but they are already donating the equity in their condo to the church. They should not be expected to do more. I am going to my prayer closet and seeking the face of God on this matter.


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-13-2014, 05:44 PM

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Originally Posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
I join FM in his efforts to ensure that our tithes and love offerings are being used to reach souls rather than finance trips to Aruba and fancy SUV's. My Mercedes S Class was a gift from Jesus for having a tasty pie. Pastor's sermon this morning lasted exactly 7 minutes, but the time spent collecting the offering was almost 29 minutes while we heard Sister Maude singing the same dreadful song she sings each week.

Father and Mother were approached about increasing their tithe, and I don't know who did this, but they are already donating the equity in their condo to the church. They should not be expected to do more. I am going to my prayer closet and seeking the face of God on this matter.
Naomi honey, how could you call this deficit spending if we are looking at an eternal reward in Heaven? By my estimation if a day in Heaven were worth 1 cent a day, even one cent a year, we will get paid back infinity for what we give today. For what the church is offering your parents are being asked very little.

Go back to FM and the other women and leave complicated matters like this to those God created to understand them.


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-13-2014, 07:00 PM

Let's remember that when Hitler took over Russia in 1917 the very first thing he did was socialize executive compensation packages. Only a commie would want to put his hands on Pastor Zeke's package!



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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-16-2014, 09:15 PM

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Those Chinamen are so depraved that they have a casino just for lesbians? Disgusting!

Back on topic:

I'm don't agree with the faction that wants to cut pastoral salaries at Landover--our pastors are, in my opinion, underpaid--but I did have a couple of thoughts on how we might be able to trim the budget a little if things get really desperate:

First, are we still spending money on feeding the poor, housing the homeless, curing the sick, etc., or did we get rid of those programs in the last round of budget cuts? Because, when it comes right down to it, it's a lot more important to save souls than to help the 47%ers, who can always just get up of their lazy behinds and find jobs.

Second, right now the church supplies more than 160 full-time negro servants for our 41 pastors. While I don't want our pastors wasting their precious time on menial work such as cooking, cleaning, driving, and bathing themselves, perhaps, as a temporary measure, we could ask each pastor to fire one negro. Including meals, housing, wages and benefits, that would cut about $8,000 per servant, or nearly $250,000 from the church budget, every year.


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-16-2014, 10:35 PM

I see what you are saying, but would't that be a cost neutral measure? I mean, 41 unemployed negroes... The cost of policing those, the cost for cleaning out the meth labs... We might create an unsafe environment and thus a false economy.


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-16-2014, 11:04 PM

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While I don't want our pastors wasting their precious time on menial work such as cooking, cleaning, driving, and bathing themselves, perhaps, as a temporary measure, we could ask each pastor to fire one negro.
We're letting those pickaninnies drive cars now? In Freehold!?


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-17-2014, 07:55 AM

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I see what you are saying, but would't that be a cost neutral measure? I mean, 41 unemployed negroes... The cost of policing those, the cost for cleaning out the meth labs... We might create an unsafe environment and thus a false economy.
Darn it all, I didn't think about that. To save money, we're going to have to hire more negroes.


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-17-2014, 09:29 AM

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Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
We're letting those pickaninnies drive cars now? In Freehold!?
It's a bit controversial. I think it began with Daisy Mae being driven around, which made it a bit of a fashion statement. I think there's even a movie of it somewhere. Personally, I don't have a car, but I don't think I would trust them with, say, a stick shift. Or wheel caps. I keep thinking of Judges 5:28 as well.

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Darn it all, I didn't think about that. To save money, we're going to have to hire more negroes.
I suppose there will be an optimal negro hire/cost balance, but I don't know how to calculate it.


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-17-2014, 11:15 AM

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Second, right now the church supplies more than 160 full-time negro servants for our 41 pastors. While I don't want our pastors wasting their precious time on menial work such as cooking, cleaning, driving, and bathing themselves, perhaps, as a temporary measure, we could ask each pastor to fire one negro. Including meals, housing, wages and benefits, that would cut about $8,000 per servant, or nearly $250,000 from the church budget, every year.
I can't believe that we're paying that much per nigro servant. It's outrageous! I think we should make them pay for their own meals and accommodation. After all, why do pay them wages? So they can pay for their meals and quarters. And yet, they still have chickens in their yards pecking over the water melon seeds. Either slash their wages or make them pay for what they're getting.
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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-17-2014, 11:42 AM

Theres a lot of talk going around here and wonder if people have actually thought about this:

Is there a price to be put on Salvation™?

How many people has Pastor Zeke touched and let Jesus come inside of them?

Who here can say that when the time comes for them to be sucked off naked into Heaven come the Rapture that they will not be thinking of those private hours spent with Pastor Zeke in his private area as they found their way to Jesus' muscular, masculine, manly embrace?

I know I can; and I can't wait for my youthful, young, clean limbed eager young Nephew to be touched in the same way in his private area I was touched by Pastor Zeke.

Money? The price of Salvation™ should not be costed in currency but in souls.

YIC


1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-17-2014, 06:02 PM

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Darn it all, I didn't think about that. To save money, we're going to have to hire more negroes.
I'm not sure I like that, Brother. It's very concerning for an attractive White Woman to be looked at by them, I already practically suffer PTSD when I see two of them together. I understand not wanting to let them roam about unemployed, but hiring more? It makes me nervous is all I'm saying.

Anyway, finances aren't my thing. Mr. Etheldreda gives me a budget and I maintain it for the good of the family. If the economy doesn't improve, I can hardly blame the pastors for needing a higher budget. After all, I couldn't feed my family on ten dollars a week, and like Brother Niles says, Salvation is so much more valuable than food. I think as a free market society, we ought to let them focus on their ministry and not have to worry about the bank account. That's what the Jew lawyers are for. And if they can't keep things in check, they should be replaced.


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-19-2014, 08:41 AM

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Originally Posted by Wide-Open View Post
It's a bit controversial. I think it began with Daisy Mae being driven around, which made it a bit of a fashion statement. I think there's even a movie of it somewhere. Personally, I don't have a car, but I don't think I would trust them with, say, a stick shift. Or wheel caps. I keep thinking of Judges 5:28 as well.
Surely you don't suggest that Miss Daisy shouldn't be driven! For Heaven's sake, we're not Lutherans! It's just unseemly for Pastor Ezekiel's fiancée to be seen driving the Rolls herself. Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about the Landover negro chauffeurs. The church (not to mention the Freehold Police Department) only lets the old and docile Tom-type negroes drive. The young bucks all work out in the fields as sharecroppers--which I hope sufficiently answers brother Faith-Machine's question.


Quote:
I suppose there will be an optimal negro hire/cost balance, but I don't know how to calculate it.
Me neither. This sounds like something we should ask our Jew accountants. They may be doomed to an eternity in Hell, but nobody is better at saving a penny or two than a Jew. Except maybe an Armenian, but we don't have any of those A-rab's in Freehold (thank God).


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-19-2014, 09:57 AM

I recommend a 1967 Chevolet Impala. Maybe black, four-door. Of course, you coud not trade it in every year, but it will last a lifetime.
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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-19-2014, 10:08 AM

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Originally Posted by Castiel Novak View Post
I recommend a 1967 Chevolet Impala. Maybe black, four-door. Of course, you coud not trade it in every year, but it will last a lifetime.
I take it you're related to Kim Novak? Why would anybody take car buying advice from a Czech whore or one of her relatives?

I'll bet you drive a Škoda.


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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-19-2014, 11:48 PM

Quote:
The church (not to mention the Freehold Police Department) only lets the old and docile Tom-type negroes drive. The young bucks all work out in the fields as sharecroppers--which I hope sufficiently answers brother Faith-Machine's question.
Has anyone given any thought to raising the taxes on the land our darker skinned employees use for their garden. While I realize they spend most of their cash at the church sponsored Jesus Saves discount and grocery store consider allowing them to pay the taxes in goods. The fresh produce could then be sold at a farmers market for a profitable amount of cash monies.


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Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

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Default Re: The elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (Pastor Zeke's compensation package). - 07-20-2014, 12:12 AM

Well I've just come from inspecting the negro field workers and observing them as they do their jobs. I'm pleased (and surprised) to see that they're not taking Saturday off, as they are wont to do. I assume their overseers are demonstrating real leadership by ensuring that they don't slack off on weekends.

Anyway, I can report that the negroes appear to be of good stock. To a man, they are all strong-backed and well muscled, and the youth are exceptionally clean limbed. Now that I've seen them working in the hot sun, I must say I feel a bit better about the whole situation. In fact, I could even see employing one of the young boys in my own home as a personal valet.


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