[Free Market Fred]

Christmas Eve in Hong Kong, and I was with three of my female Cambodian Bible students. Just got done explaining that Sodom and Gomorrah chapter to them when I go to the bathroom, come out, and discover they've flicked on my 12-foot wide-screen TV and are watching HBO. And they've got that horrible "Christmas Carol" thing on again, just like they do every year.

Well, you can't imagine how much that upset me. I immediately summoned my bodyguards and had the three young ladies escorted outside, past the electrified gate, and tossed into the street. Maybe that was a bit harsh, seeing how they live in Cambodia and are about 1000 miles from home. I suppose that tomorrow I ought to return their clothes, if I can find them.

But really, how can anyone blame me for being angry? Every year that liberal leftist propaganda gets shown on TV. Ebenezer Scrooge was a great Republican, but he's always shown on TV as being some kind of ugly, old miser, who spends Christmas Eve sleeping alone in a tiny flat, wearing some silly nightgown. To make it worse, his totally incompetent bodyguards let three commie Occupy-Wall-St "ghosts" sneak into his apartment and take him on a whirlwind tour to visit poor folks, and threaten him in a cemetery at the end. Then Scrooge wakes up the next day and turns into a socialist, supporting Obamacare so that Tiny Tim grows up expecting a lifetime of free handouts from the Job Creators!

That liberal Hollywood movie is just so far from reality that I barely know how to begin refuting its many lies. First of all, I want to assure you that most of the 1% are not ugly, even if old. Thanks to liposuction and some of the best plastic surgeons in the world at our disposal, plus a tanning center in the back of our LearJets and a personal wardrobe bigger than the clothing section at Wal-Mart, I think it's fair to say that we're looking good. As for how I spent my Christmas Eve...

Got up this morning at 10 AM sharp. Took my helicopter over to the Hong Kong Country Club for a morning brunch and martinis, before hitting the golf course with my banker friends.


Hong Kong Country Club

Got on my cell phone and ordered my Los Angeles branch office to kick out those 3000-plus freeloading tenants squatting in their foreclosed mobile homes all over California - I want them out of there before Christmas, since I just signed a deal with a Chinese company to have the homes crushed and sold as scrap before New Year's Day so we can qualify for a 2011 tax write-off! Sheesh, you'd think the proles would have moved into homeless shelters by now since I had their power and water cut more than two months ago!

Meanwhile, dispatched my LearJet to Cambodia to pick up a few Bible students. Told them to be sure to include Number 19, as she showed so much enthusiasm last year.


Enthusiastic Bible student

Back on my cell phone again, this time with the Miami office. Arrange the transfer of US$30 million from the Florida Teachers' Retirement Fund to my Swiss bank account, substituting the funds with credit default swaps that have a declared face value of $80 million, but actual value of minus $6 trillion. Wish I could see the look on the faces of those union thug teachers when they finally retire and find out all they own are bad debts!

After cocktails, I invite a Russian student over to my mansion for a round of table tennis. Afterwards we dive into the hot tub, and later she gives me a "rough" massage.


A little ping before the pong

The Cambodian Bible students arrive. We head out for a shrimp cocktail dinner, followed by an evening of disco dancing at Planet Hollywood. Afterwards, me and the students take the helicopter to my little humble abode on top of Victoria Peak on Hong Kong Island.


No place like home

I receive an urgent call from my New York branch office. A large crowd of those OWS commies are assembling in Zucotti Park to protest something or other my company is doing. I put through a conference call to Mayor Bloomberg and tell him to start using live ammunition instead of those wimpy "rubber bullets." Enough is enough!

Then me and the Cambodian students get into an intensive session of Bible study. Afterwards, I need to use the bathroom, and when I come out, I catch them watching HBO. And you know the rest.

P.S. Hey, get a phone call from my media people. My helicopter crew just located the three naked chicks running panicked down a side alley in Hong Kong's busy Wanchai neighborhood. It's late at night, but the infra-red cameras show everything. They patch through some of the hottest live humiliation video feeds I've ever seen. Cool! I tell them to post the videos to our online store for download - all major credit cards accepted.

Then I go to sleep, and I make sure those three commie Christmas ghosts won't bother me - I never dream after half a bottle of scotch and a few straws of cocaine.

As Santa himself would say, "Ho, Ho, Ho."

Merry Christmas to all, and to all now-homeless trailer trash, good-night!

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Always good to hear from you Brother Fred, I too am driven nauseous by Big Hollywood's villainous portrayal of the heroic efforts of Ebenezer Scrooge. It all started with those Fabian socialists over in Britain and that despicable half baked writer Dickens who thinks we are still living in the Garden of Eden and that the Christmas Goose just falls out of the sky. Well, the women screwed that one up didn't they (and God is still punishing them with the monthly trips to the menstrual shacks) – and we were foolish enough to give them the vote so that they could put socialist Obama in the White House. Someone has to make sure that some work gets done, and it is upstanding businessmen like Ebenezer Scrooge that rise to the task. It's called getting a bang for the buck, and I'm glad to see you are still on the job Brother Fred.

Merry Christmas!

[SUV]

Is there any of that Yummy Plum Pudding left over? Maybe a little Goose for SUV?