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Default Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-08-2022, 10:31 PM

Now, I understand that those who attend Pastor Ezekiel’s weekly sermons are NOT allowed to leave midway to attend to personal business. Yes you are on God’s time during service. God does not appreciate you expressing yourself in the pews on his time either. Although I may not be a Diamond tier tither or even a silver tither given my monthly salary, but that don’t mean I can slack off or that I think of myself during sermons. God’s very clear about such selfishness in 1 Corinthians 10:24. Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth. I hold in my dookies until I get home after service because that’s what GOD and JESUS want me to do.


I’ve forwarded this disaster over to Pastor Ezekiel’s office immediately and all I can say is, thank the Lord that Landover Baptist Church is blessed with the security and tv cameras to review such crimes taking place in our blessed halls.
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Default Re: Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-08-2022, 11:31 PM

Rules for our Church services:

Jesus and his designated representative on Earth, Pastor Ezekiel, are number one.

There is no number two.


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Default Re: Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-08-2022, 11:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Rutherford View Post
Now, I understand that those who attend Pastor Ezekiel’s weekly sermons are NOT allowed to leave midway to attend to personal business. Yes you are on God’s time during service. God does not appreciate you expressing yourself in the pews on his time either.
Thanks be to Jesus and Pastor Zeke Landover Baptist has not fallen to the new and popular "concert-style" worship service. This new thing has Christian rock music and very little preaching. Performers wear suggestive clothing just as they would at a demonic rock concert.

These are also called "praise services." Attendees stroll out to buy beverages and bring them to their seats. Nothing pleases Jesus more than when Pastor Zeke orders the exit doors locked and starts leaning in on sin. When it's finally over, you know you've been to church.

A Pastoral Perspective On Differences Between Congregational And Concert Style Praise and Worship (chadfisheronline.com)


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-09-2022, 12:42 AM

I can't believe that a member of the LBC congregation would commit such an appalling act of profanity and desecration upon the holiest site in all Creation. It had to have been one of the help, or an atheist infiltrator. I'll be praying that the perp is quickly caught and dealt with.


Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Rules for our Church services:

Jesus and his designated representative on Earth, Pastor Ezekiel, are number one.

There is no number two.
(Where does "do not talk about Mandingo fight club" fit in? Oops sorry)


I was sinking deep in sin far from the peaceful shore,
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more;
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From the waters lifted me, now safe am I!
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Default Re: Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-09-2022, 02:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
I can't believe that a member of the LBC congregation would commit such an appalling act of profanity and desecration upon the holiest site in all Creation. It had to have been one of the help, or an atheist infiltrator. I'll be praying that the perp is quickly caught and dealt with.




(Where does "do not talk about Mandingo fight club" fit in? Oops sorry)
I’m sure security footage will be reviewed thoroughly. If it helps, it was found in the tin tither’s section toward the back. Nothing’s worse than working a long day, rollin up my sleeves for the Lord, and finding a dusty doodoo in the pew book racks. I’m eagerly waiting to see what Pastor Ezekiel has to say about this.

For the life of me I have to wonder if this is the work of Antifa. I called the Iowa State Police but when I explained what happened, they just laughed and hung up on me immediately. Something really smells with this….
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Default Re: Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-09-2022, 04:07 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Rutherford View Post
Now, I understand that those who attend Pastor Ezekiel’s weekly sermons are NOT allowed to leave midway to attend to personal business. Yes you are on God’s time during service. God does not appreciate you expressing yourself in the pews on his time either. Although I may not be a Diamond tier tither or even a silver tither given my monthly salary, but that don’t mean I can slack off or that I think of myself during sermons. God’s very clear about such selfishness in 1 Corinthians 10:24. Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth. I hold in my dookies until I get home after service because that’s what GOD and JESUS want me to do.

I’ve forwarded this disaster over to Pastor Ezekiel’s office immediately and all I can say is, thank the Lord that Landover Baptist Church is blessed with the security and tv cameras to review such crimes taking place in our blessed halls.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Rutherford View Post
I’m sure security footage will be reviewed thoroughly. If it helps, it was found in the tin tither’s section toward the back. Nothing’s worse than working a long day, rollin up my sleeves for the Lord, and finding a dusty doodoo in the pew book racks. I’m eagerly waiting to see what Pastor Ezekiel has to say about this.

For the life of me I have to wonder if this is the work of Antifa. I called the Iowa State Police but when I explained what happened, they just laughed and hung up on me immediately. Something really smells with this….

This is almost blasphemous and I suspect a sodomite woman may have infiltrated the Church.

That said, I did leave mid-sermon only to sooth my dried-up throat after the first 112 minutes of my speech just to take a sip of water and to arrange my coiffure. I don't understand where the security footage of exactly that moment in time has been misplaced but I will take care of it and there's absolutely no need for any other to search for these files.

I'd also like to mention to Mr. Mayor that your 1951 Château Lafitte is past its prime and don't bring it to the Flint Manor again. Ever.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-10-2022, 12:48 AM

Pastor Ezekiel, I know if anyone can get to the bottom of it that you can. I myself will take to sniffing closely and checking everyone’s pants and blouses for brown streaks as they pile in and out this Sunday Service. Absolutely disgusting to think someone would be a sodomite.
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Default Re: Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-11-2022, 05:34 AM

Quote:
Landover Baptist has not fallen to the new and popular "concert-style" worship service. This new thing has Christian rock music and very little preaching. Performers wear suggestive clothing just as they would at a demonic rock concert.
I know the implication is NOT that non-demonic rock concerts can exist somewhere but in this case I'm starting to think the rap is a more likely culprit. Someone took me along to a modernist "church service" with two very strong outcomes:
• I was revolted
• I will certainly never attend another one
There on a stage with freaky lighting effects (including lasers) were half a dozen of the most insalubrious trollops I've ever seen accompanied by their "boyfriends" prancing around and rapping about [I'm not going to put those words in the same sentence: it was a supremely blasphemous performance: that will have to do] part of which was waving one's hands in the air. I did not participate in that.

Supposedly the rap lyrics concerned the message of Salvation, if you can call them lyrics; half their mouth noises didn't even qualify as words! Even less reverence was displayed in the costume choices. And what was presumably "dancing" left very little to the imagination, unless they were having fits. They were doing something like semaphore (without the flags) and making their heads go backwards and forwards sideways. In addition to the arm waving, the audience was jumping up and down. There was inappropriate clapping and in the front rows, lewd gyration of the hips. “How is this different from a warehouse rave party?” I thought, a type of event where I'm called to witness occasionally. I've never attended a rap show but guess they're much the same. More monotonous probably.

If anyone had attended such a "service" some of which can finish quite late, before coming along to Landover, as Pastor Ezekiel suggested, there's a likelihood of demonic possession – not to mention the visceral effect of gyrating into the small hours. At an actual devil-oriented warehouse rave or outdoor extravaganza, sure, such carrying on would be appropriate. Satan has assembled them all for exactly that purpose. Hell for the lot of them is his objective by keeping them at it for as long as possible, at least until they drop dead. Go early and get in free or pay on the door, you know what you're going to see. It's still revolting, of course, but not blasphemous necessarily. Just wicked.

When coopted into these new and popular "concert-style" worship services with Christian rock music and very little preaching, the performers wearing suggestive clothing just as they would at any demonic event, wicked boils over into blasphemy and discoveries like this are just waiting to be found. Can we say there won't be even worse things coming up in the future?
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Default Re: Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-11-2022, 12:44 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
I know the implication is NOT that non-demonic rock concerts can exist somewhere but in this case I'm starting to think the rap is a more likely culprit. Someone took me along to a modernist "church service" with two very strong outcomes:
• I was revolted
• I will certainly never attend another one
There on a stage with freaky lighting effects (including lasers) were half a dozen of the most insalubrious trollops I've ever seen accompanied by their "boyfriends" prancing around and rapping about [I'm not going to put those words in the same sentence: it was a supremely blasphemous performance: that will have to do] part of which was waving one's hands in the air. I did not participate in that.

Supposedly the rap lyrics concerned the message of Salvation, if you can call them lyrics; half their mouth noises didn't even qualify as words! Even less reverence was displayed in the costume choices. And what was presumably "dancing" left very little to the imagination, unless they were having fits. They were doing something like semaphore (without the flags) and making their heads go backwards and forwards sideways. In addition to the arm waving, the audience was jumping up and down. There was inappropriate clapping and in the front rows, lewd gyration of the hips. “How is this different from a warehouse rave party?” I thought, a type of event where I'm called to witness occasionally. I've never attended a rap show but guess they're much the same. More monotonous probably.

If anyone had attended such a "service" some of which can finish quite late, before coming along to Landover, as Pastor Ezekiel suggested, there's a likelihood of demonic possession – not to mention the visceral effect of gyrating into the small hours. At an actual devil-oriented warehouse rave or outdoor extravaganza, sure, such carrying on would be appropriate. Satan has assembled them all for exactly that purpose. Hell for the lot of them is his objective by keeping them at it for as long as possible, at least until they drop dead. Go early and get in free or pay on the door, you know what you're going to see. It's still revolting, of course, but not blasphemous necessarily. Just wicked.

When coopted into these new and popular "concert-style" worship services with Christian rock music and very little preaching, the performers wearing suggestive clothing just as they would at any demonic event, wicked boils over into blasphemy and discoveries like this are just waiting to be found. Can we say there won't be even worse things coming up in the future?

That’s all well and good but I NEED to know who sinned their rear end during Pastor Ezekiel’s sermons. It’s disgusting, immoral, and disrespectful that someone would put their own needs before Pastor Ezekiel OR Jesus Christ.
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Default Re: Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-11-2022, 10:56 PM

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Originally Posted by Uncle Rutherford View Post
That’s all well and good but I NEED to know who sinned their rear end during Pastor Ezekiel’s sermons. It’s disgusting, immoral, and disrespectful that someone would put their own needs before Pastor Ezekiel OR Jesus Christ.
I'm assuming that in the course of your investigation you've already compiled a list of all possible suspects and questioned them. It may be productive to punish all of them until the guilty party is revealed. My suggestion would be to gather them all up and force them to wear pampers over their pants/skirt so that the rest of the congregation can see and mock them. Somebody knows who did it, they'll turn them in to make it stop. Whether they can ever be Forgiven, of course, is between them and God.


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Default Re: Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-11-2022, 11:54 PM

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Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
I'm assuming that in the course of your investigation you've already compiled a list of all possible suspects and questioned them. It may be productive to punish all of them until the guilty party is revealed. My suggestion would be to gather them all up and force them to wear pampers over their pants/skirt so that the rest of the congregation can see and mock them. Somebody knows who did it, they'll turn them in to make it stop. Whether they can ever be Forgiven, of course, is between them and God.

If they were any True Christian™️ hoping they would know that God already knows of the sin they committed. To continue hiding it is to mock Christianity itself. I would suggest complete ex-communication and exilement from Freehold as they have still not confessed. That said, I do have a list of possible suspects and I am going to each of their homes tonight to inspect their laundry and question them. As far as punishment goes, we all know that is Pastor Ezekiel’s decision. I will find out who dookied in the pew church rack.
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Default Re: Found a dookie while cleaning out the Book Pew Racks. - 11-12-2022, 12:55 PM

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Originally Posted by Uncle Rutherford View Post
That’s all well and good but I NEED to know who sinned their rear end during Pastor Ezekiel’s sermons. It’s disgusting, immoral, and disrespectful that someone would put their own needs before Pastor Ezekiel OR Jesus Christ.
Perhaps play some "Christian" rock or the rap, and see who responds? Reactions taking ⅐ to Ľ second will be reflexes deriving from familiarity with the noise and although they can be switched off voluntarily, doing so is NOT a reflex and takes longer.

Christians who are not familiar with "Praise Death Metal" or whatever [A] will not have had their innards loosened and [B] will not have the positive reflex reaction.
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