Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow. |
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Ex-hero, almost honorably discharged
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How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-06-2007, 05:28 AM
Here in Iraq, where it's often well over 120 degrees, those of us with a few extra pounds have to wash constantly and powder ourselves with drying agents to prevent sweat from accumulating on the skin in our folds of fat. Back in the states, a daily shower and a few ounces of baby powder would take care of it. But here, in the 120+ degree baking sun, even with showers and baby powder and Hai Karate aftershave, those of us 30 pounds overweight often smell like we haven't showered for weeks. Any tips?
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-06-2007, 05:43 AM
Don't you have any local kids around? Keep a ragamuffin nearby and blame it on him/her/it. Terrorists don't bathe at all do they?
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Ex-hero, almost honorably discharged
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Posts: 717
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Somebody's couch
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-06-2007, 03:53 PM
Thanks for that suggestion-- but you can't trust the kids around here. Just last week, we waterboarded a nine year old, and he admitted to being the brains behind six attacks on Our Godly Soldiers.
Last edited by Trent Harvey, Jr.; 08-06-2007 at 03:55 PM.
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True Christian™ Entrepreneur
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Leviticus Landing Gated Community, Freehold IA
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-06-2007, 04:09 PM
You may want to try what I did to cut down on sweating. I got Medicaid to pay for a heavy-duty, top of the line electric scooter, so I don't have to walk or even stand up anymore. You'd be surprised how much sweat you can work up by walking, or even standing erect for short periods of time. I still use my cane, but mostly to swat people I don't like.
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True Christian™ Nitric Oxide
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-06-2007, 04:16 PM
I've found a little bit of Vicks VapoRub applied directly under the nose will really clear up a variety of bad smells.
It works really good on those 5 shirt days.
Hope this helps.
YIC
V
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
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Posts: 18,555
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Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-06-2007, 04:30 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by H. Montague Worthington
You may want to try what I did to cut down on sweating. I got Medicaid to pay for a heavy-duty, top of the line electric scooter, so I don't have to walk or even stand up anymore. You'd be surprised how much sweat you can work up by walking, or even standing erect for short periods of time. I still use my cane, but mostly to swat people I don't like.
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Considering the employment challenges the Iraqis face in their new free society maybe Trent can solve two problems at once. Get a sedan chair Trent and hire four Iraqis to carry you around. I imagine it would send a great message to the Iraqis seeing you and your carriers working together all day.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
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Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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Christ's Cōnsiliārius
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Posts: 9,311
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-06-2007, 04:55 PM
Brother Trent, we in the church like to make the distinction between certain words which the common folk sometimes sometimes lump together like globs of lard. Two particular words, "fat" and "opulent" come to mind. Fat people are merely poor slobs who spend their time rummaging through the dumpsters behind McDonalds.
Opulence is indicative of wealth, good breeding, an appreciation for the finer things, and sufficient funds for lipo and an occasional course of medically supervised methamphetamine sulfate and pharmaceutical Coca plant extract on a private Carribbean island where you can rub noses...pardon the pun....with the most famous Hollywood stars.
A few extra pounds in our circumstance indicates opulence. As Brother BJ says, simply delegate the work to the locals and sit in an air conditioned villa cashing checks from Halliburton.
Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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True Christian™ Nitric Oxide
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-06-2007, 06:02 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle
Two particular words, "fat" and "opulent" come to mind.
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Brother Trent;
No one wants to get rid of the smell of OPULENCE!
Praise Jesus!!!
YIC
V
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True Christian™
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-06-2007, 07:32 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother V
I've found a little bit of Vicks VapoRub applied directly under the nose will really clear up a variety of bad smells.
It works really good on those 5 shirt days.
Hope this helps.
YIC
V
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Interesting, Brother V, I've always liked the fresh pungent scent of Vick's VapoRub, good for more than sinus and chest colds, just a delicate dab under the nostrils freshens things up a bit, hey!
1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...
1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...
Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...
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True Christian™ Entrepreneur
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-06-2007, 10:11 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother V
Brother Trent;
No one wants to get rid of the smell of OPULENCE!
Praise Jesus!!!
YIC
V
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That's what I get Delores for her birthday and Christmas. Works like a charm.
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-06-2007, 10:19 PM
You know Brother Trent, this Thread is making feel all kinda....well, I'm not sure but I'm quite sure there's a word to describe it.
I find it quite invigorating to smell the scent of Gents like yourself, who, through no fault of their own get hot and sticky in "those little places".
I agree with the Pastors, there's nothing wrong with the sweet scent of Opulence.
Perhaps you should bottle some of your own and send it to me. I'll share it amongst the other LOL's
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Christ's Cōnsiliārius
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-07-2007, 02:51 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha
You know Brother Trent, this Thread is making feel all kinda....well, I'm not sure but I'm quite sure there's a word to describe it.
I find it quite invigorating to smell the scent of Gents like yourself, who, through no fault of their own get hot and sticky in "those little places".
I agree with the Pastors, there's nothing wrong with the sweet scent of Opulence.
Perhaps you should bottle some of your own and send it to me. I'll share it amongst the other LOL's
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You are a sick puppy, Tally. Sick. You belong in Hawaii.
Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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True Christian™
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Location: Georgia
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-07-2007, 02:36 PM
If I were lucky enough to be an opulent male, I wouldnt try to rid myself of the odor either.
I'd want to share with the foreigners what TRUE GODLY sweat smells like!
Because, I tell you, stink from Messycans and Hindus and Muslems are unbearable. Our white Godly brethren have a body odor which is more pleasant to the senses.
Much like Jesus' body odor was back in the day, Im sure.
Premarital sex is only a roadblock to holiness. You don't need to touch another person's body–or your own–to have a rockin' good time!
Abstinence: it's not easy but neither are you!
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-07-2007, 02:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikilds
If I were lucky enough to be an opulent male, I wouldnt try to rid myself of the odor either.
I'd want to share with the foreigners what TRUE GODLY sweat smells like!
Because, I tell you, stink from Messycans and Hindus and Muslems are unbearable. Our white Godly brethren have a body odor which is more pleasant to the senses.
Much like Jesus' body odor was back in the day, Im sure.
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That's JUST MY POINT Sister!!
Unlike your negra or messycanistani smell, a True Christian™ male has a quite different aroma.
By golly, I bet when Jesus got a sweat on those juices ran out of Him like a Holy river.
I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere out there is a whole consignment of bottled Jesus sweat just waiting to go on Ebay!!
Praise The Lord Pastor, your new essential luxury Jet is nearer than we thought
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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True Christian™
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-07-2007, 02:52 PM
Exactly Sister Talitha!
The Lord's work is hard and toilsome at times.
Godly work produces Godly sweat.
(I mean, no joke, other "religion"s have horrible smelling members. Their "flock" smells like they literally stumbled out of a barnyard that hasnt been shoveled for a week or so. Some of the more abominable churches must make their members baptize themselves in rancid pig feces.)
Premarital sex is only a roadblock to holiness. You don't need to touch another person's body–or your own–to have a rockin' good time!
Abstinence: it's not easy but neither are you!
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True Christian™ Nitric Oxide
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-07-2007, 03:01 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikilds
(I mean, no joke, other "religion"s have horrible smelling members. Their "flock" smells like they literally stumbled out of a barnyard that hasnt been shoveled for a week or so. Some of the more abominable churches must make their members baptize themselves in rancid pig feces.)
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That would be the Hindus.
Filthy Hindus
Quote:
Patna, Oct 29 (IANS) Pollution in the Ganges river kept away most devotees in Bihar who chose to celebrate the Chhath festival near makeshift water bodies instead.
About 29 drains here discharge 190 million litres of sewage into the Ganges every day, according to a study by environmental scientists of the Patna-based A.N. College.
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True Christian™
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-07-2007, 07:21 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikilds
(I mean, no joke, other "religion"s have horrible smelling members. Their "flock" smells like they literally stumbled out of a barnyard that hasnt been shoveled for a week or so. Some of the more abominable churches must make their members baptize themselves in rancid pig feces.)
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No joke, they should take baths more often.
1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...
1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...
Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...
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Christ's Cōnsiliārius
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-07-2007, 09:00 PM
This entire thread....with the possible exception of Tali's posts, are making me gag, and I am sure her posts would be disgusting as well if I didn't know her...er....semi-personally and understand that she sometimes writes, completely unintentionally, in a manner that has sometimes caused confusion by her descriptions of the Holy outpourings of the Christian male.
Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-07-2007, 10:17 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle
This entire thread....with the possible exception of Tali's posts, are making me gag, and I am sure her posts would be disgusting as well if I didn't know her...er....semi-personally and understand that she sometimes writes, completely unintentionally, in a manner that has sometimes caused confusion by her descriptions of the Holy outpourings of the Christian male.
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Of course you are correct pastor, as indeed you always are.
I've made it my True Christian™ duty to study in great detail each and every outpouring of the Christian Male.
I believe that if I take samples from each and every Landover male I may be able to formulate enough bodily fluid to create a Jesus Juice so potent that His second coming will be much sooner than expected
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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True Christian™
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Posts: 9,361
Join Date: Jan 2007
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Re: How do I get Rid of "Fat Smell"? -
08-07-2007, 11:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha
That's JUST MY POINT Sister!!
Unlike your negra or messycanistani smell, a True Christian™ male has a quite different aroma.
By golly, I bet when Jesus got a sweat on those juices ran out of Him like a Holy river.
I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere out there is a whole consignment of bottled Jesus sweat just waiting to go on Ebay!!
Praise The Lord Pastor, your new essential luxury Jet is nearer than we thought
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I'm surprised that the cathylicks don't have some of Jesus' sweat bottled up somewhere. They seem to have collected numerous other kinds of relics, from splinters of the True Cross to various bones of their so-called saints. It appears to be due to the corruption of the cathylicks that we Baptists don't have this by now.
Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
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