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flag EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-11-2011, 11:02 PM

Friends, we have been sending missionaries to the Godless island of Japan with little to no success for years now! So ingrained is their deviant behavior that we've been fortunate that our brave Christian soldiers haven't been held down and forced to get Hello Kitty tattoos!

Well, as we know, the Lord has just sent Japan a well-deserved wake up call in the form of two powerful earthquakes and a mighty tsunami! Now is the time to STRIKE while the IRON IS HOT!

We have assembled three teams of Emergency Rescue Missionaries, each led by seasoned Gold Tithers, to get in and bring Japan what it needs most in this time of crisis - the Word of God!

There are two things our ERM teams needs RIGHT NOW - prayers and donations. Please come down to the church or the Ladies of Landover offices and bring your donations of cash and the following URGENT SUPPLIES...

NEEDED
Bibles
Batteries for electronic Bibles

The time for action is NOW! Japan needs our Emergency Rescue Missionaries and with Jesus on our side, we are more than happy to oblige!

Thank you, and God bless.


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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-11-2011, 11:08 PM

I shall be sending down a supply of waterproof Bibles immediately


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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-12-2011, 12:18 AM

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Originally Posted by Talitha View Post
I shall be sending down a supply of waterproof Bibles immediately
That is so nice of you!

I am sending them a sponge so they can remove all the water.


I Jesus!
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-12-2011, 01:02 AM

The Power of Jesus has come over me. I will pick up the tab for 10,000 bibles and enough batteries for a year. If you ladies would like to deliver them in person, my private jet is yours to use. James.
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-12-2011, 01:50 AM

Sister Mary, you know I wholeheartedly support sending those heathens exactly what they need in the wake of this great disaster, but is it really wise to be sending them batteries? I mean, it IS Japan, and I know those slopes are known for their GameBoys and creepy sex robots. What's stopping them from taking the batteries out of their electronic Bibles and using them in their sinful electronics instead, thereby bringing about another earthquake?

I just think the money spent on batteries could be better used buying paper KJVs for them.


"Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him." Matthew 21:31-32

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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-12-2011, 01:52 AM

That's what I love about our church. Someone comes up with a great idea to save souls for Jesus, everyone pitches in and away we go.

I don't wish the problems of Japan on anyone, but if this tragedy opens some hearts to Jesus, it will be worth whatever price must be paid.

JJH


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-12-2011, 02:25 AM

I know everyone is sending the Bible down to the Jappos but I thought I might send them a box or 2 of this Fantastic book called Heart Like Water written by Joshua Clark. It is an inspirational story of survival of the people trapped in New Orleans by the Hurricaines and the flooding.I figure it will do the nippos good to know that they aren't the only one to experience this kind of thing. I mean these people in the book survived Katrina!
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-12-2011, 02:10 PM

Has anyone heard from Pastor Ezekiel? What about his supply of emergency Bibles, weapons and canned beans stashed in the mountains? Shouldn't we get that stuff out of Japan before those inscrutable gook looters come?


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-12-2011, 02:24 PM

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Originally Posted by James Hutchins View Post
Has anyone heard from Pastor Ezekiel?
Jesus, YES! What if he is running low on BIBLES?!
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-12-2011, 04:05 PM

There were some free Bibles left over from the Mission to Australia. Even for free, you can't get some people to take a Bible. Well, maybe the Japs will like them more:


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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-12-2011, 04:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King View Post
There were some free Bibles left over from the Mission to Australia. Even for free, you can't get some people to take a Bible. Well, maybe the Japs will like them more:
The problem with some of the free Bibles in Australia is we had them labeled as free. All the free Bibles we had disguised as privately owned personal property were, as predicted, "stolen" by those crime-loving descendants of convicts.


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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-14-2011, 04:24 AM

FINALLY! I should have known Landover would be organizing a mission to give the Japanese what they really need -- JESUS!

All the other charities are focusing on food, clean water, medical supplies, and Scientology touch-healing.


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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-15-2011, 06:39 PM

The Ladies of Landover are pleased as punch to announce a letter writing campaign in aid of the Godless nips in Japan.
We need every able-bodied lady to come down to our offices where we will be writing letters to Greenpeace and every other blubber-hugging anti-free enterprise organization demanding they lay off of Japan's whaling fleet at during these trying times. Now, more than ever, Japan needs to hunt whales so they can be sure to have enough food to feed their population until they get their infrastructure back up and running.

Thank you, and God bless.


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1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
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Lola Handcock Lola Handcock is offline
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-15-2011, 06:52 PM

Sister should we be encouraging the yellow bastards to eat whales? I mean they are not fish with scales.
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-15-2011, 06:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lola Handcock View Post
Sister should we be encouraging the yellow bastards to eat whales? I mean they are not fish with scales.
Heck, they could eat shellfish for all I care. They're already damned to Hell unless they scrape by long enough for us to save their worthless souls. Once that's done, then they can starve to death happy in the knowledge that they'll get a passing grade from Jesus.


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

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Benedict A. Davis Benedict A. Davis is offline
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-15-2011, 07:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Mary Whitford View Post
Heck, they could eat shellfish for all I care. They're already damned to Hell unless they scrape by long enough for us to save their worthless souls. Once that's done, then they can starve to death happy in the knowledge that they'll get a passing grade from Jesus.
Being an avid fisherman I have experienced many types of fish and eaten many of them, but I have no experience with whales. How many meals do you think the jappos could get out of just one of them? Got to be quite a few unless there is a lot of wastage while cleaning one.Or are they like a monk fish, all head?


1 Chronicles 16:15
Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

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James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-15-2011, 08:04 PM

Today I cleaned out my closet, spring is here. I am sending 25 hand made suits from last year to Japland. The way I figure it is that they should at least look nice when they get to hell.
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-15-2011, 08:48 PM

I am sending along a stack of Brother Gabriel Reproba's business cards.

If any of the slants feel like suing someone, I have issued a court order that the Good Brother reduce his normal legal fees by eighty-five percent.


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James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-15-2011, 09:41 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by HTannor View Post
I am sending along a stack of Brother Gabriel Reproba's business cards.

If any of the slants feel like suing someone, I have issued a court order that the Good Brother reduce his normal legal fees by eighty-five percent.
Thats funny, a lawyer reducing his rates by 85%. Who are they going to sue God?
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Default Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN - 03-15-2011, 09:48 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt View Post
Who are they going to sue God?

He's a Trial Lawyer. If he chases enough ambulances, something will pop up.


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