[Buford T Scoggins]

Originally Posted by SUV

Thank GOD we don't have much of that vile swill here in America, "JESUS' Favorite Nation," anymore.
What we do have tastes like cardboard and the prices are so high no one buys it anyway.
Perhaps this is why we Americans live longer all the time

You are definitely on to something there, Sister SUV. I believe that the preservatives in American food is one of the things that allows Americans to live so long. It keeps us "preserved." I realize that good pure American fruit is kind of expensive and not real sweet, that´s why I never buy it. Fortunately, there´s a good substitute - Hostess Twinkies topped with strawberry jam. Back in the good old days in Texas (before I got stranded here in Bananaland) I practically lived on Wonderbread, peanut butter, jam, Twinkies and Moon Pies. Not only is this nutritious ("builds strong bodies 12 ways", like they say), but it´s got so many preservatives you´d swear you were mainlining embalming fluid.

Now about my current situation. I´ve decided that the only way I´m going to get back to the USA - the only nation on Earth worth living in - was to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and hitchhike home. I couldn´t just sit in Panama and pray for an airplane ticket - the Lord helps those who help themselves.

I figured that I´d just follow the wetback trail north to the USA. I reckon that if all those illegal border fence hoppers can do it, I can too. But hitchhiking hasn´t been real easy. You´d think those beaners would be honored to give a ride to a white feller like myself, but it isn´t always so. Blasting passing drivers with my bullhorn and holding up an "Abortion is murder" poster (featuring pictures of dead fetuses) didn´t seem to help at all. I had more luck approaching people at gas stations - some of them gave me a ride so they could practice their English. I guess these beaners want to learn English so they can sneak across the border into the USA to become gardners or dishwashers.

I got a really long ride from one American guy who seemed like a real nice feller, until I discovered he was a homer (he made a grab for me). I stopped him with a high-volume from my bullhorn at close range - that took him by surprise, and we skidded off the road into the bushes. But it worked out OK, since other people stopped, and I faked being injured so to get sympathy and a ride to a hospital in San Jose, which is where I am now. Of course, I hightailed it out of that hospital (without paying, hah!) as soon as I got a free meal - you should have heard them beaner nurses squaking in that Spanish gibberish!

Yeah, I know - when I first heard "San Jose," I thought it would be the one in California, but turned out to be the capital of another pissant Central American country. It´s called "Costa Rica" - I guess that´s where the "rica" in "Mexiricans" comes from.

Anyway, I´ll keep y'all informed of my progress.

YIC,
Buford

[Buford T Scoggins]

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I just want to let you all know that I'm back in God's chosen country, the USA. I was sent back in a shipping container, along with a load of bananas. Just why the USA allows Nicarican bananas into our country, I just can't understand, especially since we have the all-American Chiquita brand grown right here in Texas. I guess we got to allow this Third World AIDS-infected food into our great nation because of NAFTA. But foreign trade is a two-way street, and I'm sure that the Nicaricans are grateful to us for all the freedom fries and Coca-Cola that we send to them.

Anyway, not to digress - about my journey home. I couldn't just get onto the ship by myself - I had help from Nicarican baptists. I thought that the whole country was owned by Catylicks, but to my joy I discovered a baptist church. I was so happy that I showed up at their Sunday morning service with my bullhorn, and spent the entire day outside in front of their church preaching the gospel at 100 decibels. Sadly, even with my help, church attendance was miniscule that day. Nevertheless, the grateful pastor approached me with an offer to smuggle me on board a ship back to the USA. I was overjoyed - it was truly a miracle!

It has certainly been a long ordeal, but I'm stronger for it. The happy ending just shows the power of prayer - I thank all of you for your support in my darkest hour of need.

YIC,
Buford

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Dear LORD! You have been through HELL and back and all I can say is THANK YOU LORD FOR BRINGING HOME ONE OF HIS CHOSEN!!!!

I KNEW you would make it through the power of prayer!!!!!!!!!!!!


GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are HOME!!!!!! We missed you so!!!!

PRAISE JESUS you are back safe and sound!!!


Lve, Sister Thumper

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Glad to hear you're back, Brother. Don't forget to get deloused. And I'd burn all the clothes you had with you....

[JennyD]

Oh.

Goody.

Bullhorn Buford is back.


Does this mean we can, um, look forward to your, er, sermons at the corner of Main and Church again?

[Buford T Scoggins]

Originally Posted by JennyD

Oh.

Goody.

Bullhorn Buford is back.


Does this mean we can, um, look forward to your, er, sermons at the corner of Main and Church again?

Yes sister, you can count on it. I returned to Main and Church yesterday, and there were SO MANY more people than usual - apparently, they missed me and were awaiting my return. No too many today, though - I assume that they're at home reading their Bibles after hearing my inspiring sermon.

Do you realize that I've been preaching to the masses in Wacko, Texas for over ten years now? Why just today, I ran into an old acquaintance who told me, "Ten years, huh? Seems like an eternity."

It's so great to be wanted. I love doing the Lord's work.

YIC,
Buford

[JennyD]

Originally Posted by Buford T Scoggins

It's so great to be wanted. I love doing the Lord's work.

YIC,
Buford

And Brother, I don't have the words to express how excited all of us at Landover are that you are so dedicated to preaching the Lord's Word. In Texas.