[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Welcome to SOUNDBITE NEWS; or What Would Jesus DO Today, a news service consisting of 100% soundbite-sized news. (I'm welcoming submissions for a better name)

Monday, 24 February 2014

Top 20 Newsmakers today:

Piers Morgan

LOS ANGELES – CNN's prime-time talk show "Piers Morgan Live" is coming to an end, the news channel said Sunday. Morgan, who succeeded Larry King in the 9 p.m. EST time slot three years ago, was drawing lacklustre ratings.

Obviously God has chosen to smite the TV career of Piers Morgan due to his perverted "Xanth" fantasy novels, clearly the inspiration for Harry Potter. Even the map of his fantasy kingdom was sketched from a penis:

"And where do you live?"

"Halfway between the foreskin and the urethra."

Liam Neeson

Liam Neeson at 61 years old has become one of the highest paid movie stars in Hollywood. You may remember him as Oskar Schindler in Steven Spielberg's movie “Schindler’s List” or in dozens of other classical dramatic roles, but today he's best known as one of the most sought after action stars in the movie business.

Liam Neeson has a typical pornstar name - "Knee-son" implies that his mother work in amputee porn. Schindler’s List was typical white-guilt propaganda. Clearly Liam is on the HELL TRAIN.

Daytona 500

A preview of Heaven.

Nancy Kerrigan

Nancy Kerrigan opened up for the first time about the Whack Heard 'Round the World Sunday on NBC's documentary Nancy & Tonya. And befitting someone who has avoided the spotlight the past 20 years...

Has it really between 20 years? I feels like yesterday.

Come to think of it, irrelevant soap-opera junk being passed off as actual news DID happen yesterday.

Jason Collins

Jason Collins became the first openly gay athlete in North America's four major professional sports Sunday, signing a 10-day contract with the Brooklyn Nets. Collins checked in with 10:28 to go in the second quarter and received a round of applause ...

…From other hell bound scum. First they ruin marriage for normal people, now they invade sports to ruin our locker-room antics. Towel-fights and prank-sodomizing the nerds are ruined forever.

WWE

LAS VEGAS, NV – JANUARY 08: WWE personalities Shawn Michaels (L) and Triple H throw glow sticks into the crowd at a news conference announcing the WWE Network at the 2014 International CES at the Encore Theater...

"Glow sticks"? At a theatre with a French name? And why did they wimp out and allow the World Wildlife Federation to keep their name? These aren't rasslers, they're pansy wrestlers, and I can tell the difference.

Oscars 2014

Few things are certain about the 86th annual Academy Awards: There were will be at least one head-scratching win; a teary speech that mentions God, family, and a loyal agent in the same breath;

Those heaven Hollywooders. Don't thank God for helping you act, that is beneath Him. You're supposed to thank GOd when he sends a tornado to kill the people next door (but not you).

Elimination Chamber

Coming out of the 2014 Elimination Chamber match, Orton retained the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. If fan treatment of Batista, during his match against Alberto Del Rio, is any indication, the Batista-Orton match will not be well received by...

…anyone who is sick of illegals invading our sports. Between this and the gays (see above) this is why I only watch Nascar. And I expect to soon see uninsured illegals to be causing traffic jams there too.

Farrah Abraham

She is best known more for her Teen Mom antics and sex tape, but Farrah Abraham took to Twitter on Sunday to reveal a softer side. 'To my amazing Sophia who gave me wisdom, strength, love, life and much more you are my world #I<3U #HappyB-Day,' the …

Wait, it's newsworthy that a slut uses twitter and knows her friend's birthday? And of course the harlot would celebrate BIRTHdays, like a typical babykiller, rather than celebrating conception days as True Christians(™) do.

Danica Patrick

After running nearly 100 laps under green after a six-hour rain delay, the big one finally erupted in the Daytona 500. The crash erupted on Lap 146, collecting Austin Dillon and sending Danica Patrick crashing hard into the outside wall. The crash ...

…Was awesome, so everybody stop watching the gay-illegal (illegay?) WWE.

Griselda Blanco

Griselda Blanco is shown in this undated handout photo supplied by Miami-Dade Police Department. Blanco, a convicted Colombian drug dealer known as the "Queen of cocaine," was gunned down by unidentified assailants ...

I will nither confirm nor deny my involvement…

Amazing Race

23 seasons set in foreign third-world/turd-world hellholes, surrounded by stinking foreigners….This is why smell-o-vision has died as a technology. Just think of all those Daytona engine exhaust fumes I could have smelled...

Duke Basketball

Duke? More like peasant.

"White men can't jump!"

"Black men can't WORK".

[Titus Templeton]

I wonder if God plans the news some days ahead or he makes them at the same day.

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by Titus Templeton

I wonder if God plans the news some days ahead or he makes them at the same day.

He might have prepared them already during the First Week Ever.

[Mother Of Seven]

The Oscars - a procession of satan-worshipping, heathen homersexurals! None of whom would know how to earn an honest living. May the Lord smite them all.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

"Soundbite News" is okay, though today it would be more appropriate to call it "Sodomite News".

I notice half the ads online have "SHOCKING" in their title. I don't know who goes around googling "shocking this and that" - is it some new perverted electrocution fetish? Anyway, I think the new name will be "SHOCKING NEWS ABOUT:".