[handmaiden]

Santa, if you were the Real Deal™ like Jesus, you would already know that all I want is a good quality copy of # 14 Trixie Belden and the Mystery of the Emeralds , Deluxe Edition.

I'm sure that even Google already knows that. (But only Jesus knows what happened to my original copy.)

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Santa, if you were the Real Deal™ like Jesus, you would already know that all I want is a good quality copy of # 14 Trixie Belden and the Mystery of the Emeralds , Deluxe Edition.

I'm sure that even Google already knows that. (But only Jesus knows what happened to my original copy.)

Handy-Dandy! Long time no see. Can do: Here's the product to be delivered!



Now, I know that you're young and filled with the exuberant hubris of the youth and you are unaware of the risks this kind of restricted literature may pose. My elfs have reported that you're living in a religious community (to say the least) and there are quite a few perils associated with this kind of banned books.

1. The young woman on the cover wears pants - I surmise that it's not allowed?
2. She is casually smiling at a young man unsupervised.
3. The book series tells about emancipated young teenage girls who solve crimes, that is, take on police responsibilities.
4. Wearing trousers is apparently contrary to the Levitation part of a book or whatever.
5. The book you ordered is not the King Jamesy-Daincy version (he was a charming lad and really, really enjoyed the resin models of New World savages in loincloths that I used to deliver before plastics made their glorious entry but I'm digressing).

Because of all that, I'll also deliver one more hollowed Bible to your collection (to be put between the one containing your Handy-Brandy and the one with the gun replica).





Merry Christmas Handy-girl! Ho ho ho ho ho!

[handmaiden]

Wrong edition!

Does your wife and/or the elves have to read all those deluded children's letters to you?


Jesus would have known which Trixie Belden #14 Mystery of the Emeralds that I was talking about--even if I hadn't specified "Deluxe Edition".


Jesus knows everything. And I have never tried hiding things inside of a hollowed out book. That's what boxes of feminine hygiene products are for.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Wrong edition!

Does your wife and/or the elves have to read all those deluded children's letters to you?

Jesus would have known which Trixie Belden #14 Mystery of the Emeralds that I was talking about--even if I hadn't specified "Deluxe Edition".

Jesus knows everything. And I have never tried hiding things inside of a hollowed out book. That's what boxes of feminine hygiene products are for.

Of course, Dear, and Ho! To be frank, by strategy of intimidation (shared by J-zuz) is more or less something that is just promoted by tired parents without any real threat of cutting down the plastic mountain of the Holidays (Jesus's isn't). I always deliver.

Does Jesus deliver?

He might know (but I think he's too busy watching Netflix and being hidden and mysterious) what you desire but where are the packages by the chimney with his name on the label? I don't promise to deliver post-mortem, I actually deliver now and here. You can assess and verify my deliveries. Sometimes you might be disappointed and throw a cute tantrum (in your case, almost always but you still enjoy the brandy). You won't need hearsay or assertions to get proof of my activities. Look at the image below. It is an actual photo of my activities. I don't work in mysterious ways. I bring bright-colored joy for the forlorn, the elated, the rich, the poor, the medium-income, the young, the old, the stupid, the heretic, the believer and the belieber. You don't have to clap your hands and proclaim that you believe in fairies. The mountain of plastic toys remains regardless. Still waiting for that mustard seed to get the mountains redecorated. Peace!





AND Ho.

[handmaiden]

Wrong dwarf. Brandy makes me sleepy, not grumpy.

I'm grumpy because Jesus doesn't want me to have a husband, and Trixie Belden solving mysteries with her boy crush is the only sex I'm allowed.



Took me less than two minutes to find. And I have a slow computer.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Wrong dwarf. Brandy makes me sleepy, not grumpy.

I'm grumpy because Jesus doesn't want me to have a husband, and Trixie Belden solving mysteries with her boy crush is the only sex I'm allowed.


Took me less than two minutes to find. And I have a slow computer.

Ho! I'm curious: Why do you judge the book by its cover? Isn't it the text and the content that decide the (always somewhat subjective) quality. Of course, a man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. And - as the Mythbusters once did - you actually can polish poop and it still remains poop. But - the poop may have its uses.

But I'm digressing. Let's skip the Trixie. Instead, I'm going to make a donation in your name and on your behalf to the Society for the Protection of the Lord Howe Island Stick Insect.



It's a fascinating story! You'll love this. This insect was also called the tree lobster and it lived abundantly on Lord Howe Island until rats (of course) accidentally reached that piece of land and decimated the stick insect population to extinction, almost as quickly as the cassowaries did with my elf stock. But, there is a nearby island called Ball's Pyramid.




And there, in the year 2001, at an altitude of about 100 meters on a small and narrow ledge with a shrub, they found 24 of these insects living on the very edge of existence. Eventually they brought a mating pair (they seem to mate for life) to Oz what you folks call Austria and there they've bred and there is now a population ready to be released back on Lord Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-howe Island. Ho!

As you can see, the Darwinian goodness of humankind - Disinterested love for all living creatures, our most noble attribute - is still going strong and now you're taking part! Awesome. To do something without actual compensation. Would you be ready to love the Jesus guy if there were no compensation in the admittedly questionable afterlife? Are you, Handy-Dandy and I'll also give you some of the Brandy to make you less grumpy. Something to your taste!

[handmaiden]

The Deluxe Editions of the Trixie Belden books have beautiful illustrations. So, it's not the cover, it's the content. (There are also a few text edits.)

Also Trixie Belden #14, The Mystery of the Emeralds, Deluxe Edition was my very first Trixie Book and s very special to me. As mentioned earlier, only Jesus knows what really happened to the book and I would like an unsullied copy--OKAY??


And honestly Santa, you should know that my idea of a gift of alcohol would be a bottle of Dark Godiva Chocolate Liqueur. Or Chambord--and that's 'cause I like rasberries and I like the shape of the bottle.




Honestly, Santa, for a guy who supposedly knows things you really keep missing the mark. The only other booze that I tolerate is whipped creme-flavored vodka because it tastes good in my herbal tea which helps me sleep.


This notion of yours that I like brandy is based solely on your love of rhymes and my nickname. . . . . . And well, I like rhymes, too, so that's okay. . . I guess. . . . . . Maybe. . . I need to pray about this. . . But don't bother with the 2006 reprint. I already have that and they completely messed up Trixie's hair. It looks normal. Eh.

[Dolores de Barriga]

Hello Santa - instead of gift requests, I have four questions for you:

1. When did you stop going by Saint Nicholas, ditch the bishop robes, and get married? Which of the popes allowed you to do so?

2. Is the North Pole really a better place to live than Turkey where you are originally from?

3. Why so many different days for Christmas-related gift giving: December 6/St. Nicholas' Day, December 25, and January 6/Three Kings' Day? How do you keep up with when to deliver gifts to which cultural tradition? Please note that even though I live in the US, my gift receiving date is still January 6. Los Tres Reyes Magos are the ones who bring gifts to Jesus, duh!

4. Last but not least: why do you always deliver expensive toys to rich kids, and cheap toys to poor kids?

Thank you for your kind attention to these questions.

P.S.: The cassowaries really are a nice finishing touch for the hot mess also known as "The Year of Our Lord 2020."

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Dolores de Barriga

Hello Santa - instead of gift requests, I have four questions for you:

1. When did you stop going by Saint Nicholas, ditch the bishop robes, and get married? Which of the popes allowed you to do so?

2. Is the North Pole really a better place to live than Turkey where you are originally from?

3. Why so many different days for Christmas-related gift giving: December 6/St. Nicholas' Day, December 25, and January 6/Three Kings' Day? How do you keep up with when to deliver gifts to which cultural tradition? Please note that even though I live in the US, my gift receiving date is still January 6. Los Tres Reyes Magos are the ones who bring gifts to Jesus, duh!

4. Last but not least: why do you always deliver expensive toys to rich kids, and cheap toys to poor kids?

Thank you for your kind attention to these questions.

P.S.: The cassowaries really are a nice finishing touch for the hot mess also known as "The Year of Our Lord 2020."

Ho and WOW! That kinda reveals what Christmas is all about for you, doesn't it? So, instead of answers, I have some gifts for you. You need to get loose, have some fun and re-gain the sense of wonder that might still lie buried very very deep within that scholarly konmari of discarding all things bright and beautiful. What you need is a scooter with Indian-style decorations.



But that is not enough! You also need some suitable renovations to your wardrobe to be presentable when driving around with that gizmo.



It is genuine polar bear replica of fine plastic strands with the blush pink stain, chemical composition Cd-Se-Ze-Si! It's awesome. And here's something to sooth your pale complexion and your upset tummy.



As stated previously, the cassowaries are out of stock and whining won't get you any!

Ho and PS: Handy-Brandy girlygirl. Your case is closed for now.

[Elmer G. White]

Dear Sinner,

It has come to our attention that you're deliberately spreading the Corona Plague, a disease, whose distribution should be left to Jesus. Moreover, you're wantonly infecting innocent children with it!

Dozens of children who attended a tree lighting event in Georgia may have been exposed to COVID-19 after a pair performing as Santa and Mrs. Claus tested positive for the virus, officials said.

You're interfering with Divine stuff that you have no understanding of. I have sent a letter to the Congress to revoke any licence you may have to enter the US airspace on Christmas Day. You really are a demon, aren't you!?



That said, I would not mind having a nice vintage KJV to add to my collection.

Zechariah 14:18
And if the family of Egypt go not up, and come not, that have no rain; there shall be the plague, wherewith the LORD will smite the heathen that come not up to keep the feast of tabernacles.




Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Isabella White]

Originally Posted by Isabella White

Well, well, well; I see that we have an intruder sneaking his way into . "Santa", if you were coming here to learn about the saving Grace that is available through the precious of the and , , then I would welcome you with open arms. But, I think it's obvious to all, that you are here to have a bit of fun with the servants of Almighty . I'm afraid that you will have to get up much earlier in the morning if you think you can fool the people of at , Satan!

Originally Posted by Elmer G. White

Dear Sinner,
It has come to our attention that you're deliberately spreading the Corona Plague, a disease, whose distribution should be left to Jesus. Moreover, you're wantonly infecting innocent children with it!You're interfering with Divine stuff that you have no understanding of. I have sent a letter to the Congress to revoke any licence you may have to enter the US airspace on Christmas Day. You really are a demon, aren't you!?



Yours in Christ,

Elmer

A-ha! This is just as I have suspected all along, dear Brother White! And how I do thank you for a confirmation that proves my suspicions. This Satan Claus is up to no good, and I hope that our beloved Congress will act quickly to banish him, and to prevent him from ever entering the blessed . Why, over in England, he's been pulling some pranks there, too, as you shall below, and we cannot take a chance that he will do the same here:

"Britain’s children have been told to leave out a substantial meal for Santa on Christmas Eve because a measly mince pie flouts the rules."

https://www.suffolkgazette.com/news/...ign=Santa+meal

Simply, there is no end to his treachery and deceit, and the sooner that our Congress -- and our glorious President Trump -- refuse him entry, then the better we shall be! Merry mas!

[MitzaLizalor]

My innards have a hyperspatial bypass

I know this isn't a caption competition but I couldn't resist.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Elmer G. White

Dear Sinner,

It has come to our attention that you're deliberately spreading the Corona Plague, a disease, whose distribution should be left to Jesus. Moreover, you're wantonly infecting innocent children with it!You're interfering with Divine stuff that you have no understanding of. I have sent a letter to the Congress to revoke any licence you may have to enter the US airspace on Christmas Day. You really are a demon, aren't you!?



That said, I would not mind having a nice vintage KJV to add to my collection.

Zechariah 14:18
And if the family of Egypt go not up, and come not, that have no rain; there shall be the plague, wherewith the LORD will smite the heathen that come not up to keep the feast of tabernacles.




Yours in Christ,

Elmer

Ho-o-o Elmer. still tryin' to overwhelm her, aren't you! Y'all seem to think that because you engage in (a)moral panic on a regular basis that I should also become outraged or angry.
Santa is never ever angry. I like you kittens and pussycats too much! I also don't care if there are impostors dressed like me in Georgia or whatever. They all (most of them anyways) spread the good message about me and as a result, once again, even on this Forum, I am much more popular than Lil' Jesus and his Christmas thread!

OK, gifts. Elmer-boy, the sleep-your-hands-on-top-of-the-blanket kid. Once like that, always like that, aren't you. The KJV stock was unfortunately soiled during the cassowary incident, but I've got a couple of books that you'll LOVE!



Ho ho ho! And here's another one. A real vintage collectible! Shall be delivered to YOU THIS Christmas!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Isabella White

A-ha! This is just as I have suspected all along, dear Brother White! And how I do thank you for a confirmation that proves my suspicions. This Satan Claus is up to no good, and I hope that our beloved Congress will act quickly to banish him, and to prevent him from ever entering the blessed . Why, over in England, he's been pulling some pranks there, too, as you shall below, and we cannot take a chance that he will do the same here:

"Britain’s children have been told to leave out a substantial meal for Santa on Christmas Eve because a measly mince pie flouts the rules."

https://www.suffolkgazette.com/news/...ign=Santa+meal

Simply, there is no end to his treachery and deceit, and the sooner that our Congress -- and our glorious President Trump -- refuse him entry, then the better we shall be! Merry mas!

Ho-ho-ho Bella-lass. That is fake news. I'm more than satisfied with a tiny turkey or a cassowary drumstick (which will soon become abundant in your neighborhood). If you knew how much energy superspeed takes (we're talking about axion-level accelerations and quantum tunneling) you'd understand that a man's gotta eat.
But, of course I'll do something about that unfortunate and not too comely double chin of yours (OK, quadruple, but who's countin'). Because of the cassowaries, quite a few of the plastics melted in the resulting fire (there's now a plastic patch not only on the Pacific but under the North Pole Ice, I'm sorry to admit), but I've located a storehouse with vintage stuff that never got delivered so I have plenty of stock to satisfy the needs of the old and withered.



Just pull the cords and use the device whenever you leave your house and no-one can tell! Howdy-Ho!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor

I know this isn't a caption competition but I couldn't resist.

Dear Mitza, I have absolutely no idea of what you're talking about but that's not news when it comes to our relationship, is it? Fortunately, my reserves of vintage goods will be satisfactory to serve your needs, too! We've got some nice and cold (its about -22 outside) beverages to enhance your brain capacity and make you more intelligible to elfs and your favorite supernatural being - me!



That's a rare 1923 vintage le Pôle Nord appellation d'origine contrôlée! You won't get it from anywhere else. And this will get rid of that nasty ailment that prayers have hitherto failed to heal.

[Santa Claus]

Ho-ho-ho kids and you childlike adults of this Forum! I'm good to go! I'm happy to tell you that I met Mr. Fauci the other day when he paid us a visit on the Pole!

“I took care of that for you,” he says. “…I took a trip up there to the North Pole; I went there and I vaccinated Santa Claus myself. I measured his level of immunity, and he is good to go.”

Nice Mr. Fauci also told me that I have innate immunity and can deliver the presents without any risks to the kids or you childlike adults of this Forum.
Mr. Fauci has probably been the nicest person of 2020 and I'm going to deliver him the most precious gift imaginable: 1st Class DeLuxe Genuine Plastic Santa Medal for his services to humankind! It is such a pleasure to see decency, courage and intelligence combined in his person during these days of naughtiness and discord! Ho ho ho!

[James Hutchins]

I never got my catalog and obviously, even with Prime shipping, I am not going to get the present I wanted. Categorical proof there is no such thing as 'Santa Claus', more like 'Satan Fraud'.


It looks like I'll be spending another Christmas alone at the Bellagio with my nieces, Sandi and Mandi.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Originally Posted by James Hutchins

Categorical proof there is no such thing as 'Santa Claus', more like 'Satan Fraud'.

I'm involved with finance at Land Over Baptist Church. Every year we find the money for new Escalades, one for each Pastor. It's pricy but we want good morale among our Pastors.

If there were a Santa Claus I think he would provide LBC with these vehicles. We wouldn't need to plead for tithes. I'm coming around to agree with you, Brother Hutchins. Santa Claus seems absent.

[Isabella White]

Originally Posted by James Hutchins

I never got my catalog and obviously, even with Prime shipping, I am not going to get the present I wanted. Categorical proof there is no such thing as 'Santa Claus', more like 'Satan Fraud'.

Oh, you can say that again, dear Brother Hutchins! But, what else can we expect from someone who dresses up to excite innocent children, and then plays with snakes?

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by James Hutchins

I never got my catalog and obviously, even with Prime shipping, I am not going to get the present I wanted. Categorical proof there is no such thing as 'Santa Claus', more like 'Satan Fraud'.

It looks like I'll be spending another Christmas alone at the Bellagio with my nieces, Sandi and Mandi.

Ho, Jamie-boy! You're upset and, as always, whining usually helps. Many boys of your age have moved on from whining but you still consider it a successful strategy to get what you want. You're right. Whining will get you things. Many children have discovered this timeless truth.

OK, here's a nice catalog just like the ones I delivered when you where a wee lad. You can choose not one, not two, but THREE genuine Barbies (in real or imitation plastics) and maybe next year we can discuss their wardrobes! Ho!