[Santa Claus]

Ho ho ho! Aren't I nice! My very well-earned 11-month vacation is OVER and I'm ready to GET IT ON! Keep 'em Christmas Lists a-comin as they say in the old South.

As always, I'll deliver based on your naughty vs. nice balance. Usually, for you naughty 'uns, I'd deliver coal but considering the energy crisis in Europe, all the coal is reserved for y'all Tiny Tims over there. For the naughty ones I'll just have to improvise. For instance, I'm gonna give Vlad the Putin a 30% discount gift card for a very thorough prostate exam. Very_thorough. Brenda Koczszinsky née Hernández in Tonaph, Nevada has been naughty (stealing nail polish) and she'll have a VIP pass for next year's local convention of environmentalist Democrat Ladies. That'll teach her.

A not-so-gently reminder: I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees), I do not deliver world peace but nor does Jesus, as we can deduce based on this year's debacles. Nor do I deliver abstractions, such as falling in love or revivals or love potions unless approved by FDA or your local equivalent. I do not deliver hovercrafts with eels, too messy and Rudolph might slip. Plastic toys are a sure hit and highly recommended.

Ho ho ho! Just ask and let all your dreams come TRUE! Merry Christmas, everyone from you all-time favorite supernatural being. Me. Santa Claus!

[Dennis Lukes]

You know, there is something I've been wanting. A chalice, or grail, of solid gold melted down from the teeth torn out of the mouths of Holocaust victims. I think it would be a great conversation piece and really cool. How about it?

[handmaiden]

Santa, you know--some of those caveats that you threw in there sound like the restrictions on wish-granting that the Genie mentions in the movie, Aladdin. Just sayin'. . .

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes

You know, there is something I've been wanting. A chalice, or grail, of solid gold melted down from the teeth torn out of the mouths of Holocaust victims. I think it would be a great conversation piece and really cool. How about it?

Dennis darling! Ho ho ho to you too!
Based on your request, I'll deliver you not one but TWO nice gifts. You're gonna LOVE them. Obviously, there are some things that no entity, natural or supernatural, can do, not a Jesus a god or even the most powerful of all sentient beings, me! And that is how to trace the transfer of Nazi Dental Gold from the Reich into a Swiss bank accunt and then back again transmogrified into the most powerful weapon the world has ever known, the Swiss Franc. However, does a Gold Atom know its provenance? Actually, it does, and similar to all gold atoms, its provenance is in the collision of neutron stars and that's all we need to know, at least if the Swiss alternative is correct. However, it is also possible that the dental gold went back into the Rhine from whence the dwarf Alberich stole it. In that case, modern technology will help you recover it (just start at the site of Brünnhilde's funeral pyre and dive in a widening spiral thenceforth). AND here my extra jolly gift will help you! Scuba gear that is just perfect for riparian submergence.



And, as promised. I have TWO nice thingies to deliver to YOU! The other one is a chalice carved from anthracite COAL that with the energy crisis I mentioned, has become much more valuable than rhinegold.



Just keep 'em prizes of your hourly motel rooms affordable and more NICE things will be filling your nylon stockings this Christmas. Ho!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Santa, you know--some of those caveats that you threw in there sound like the restrictions on wish-granting that the Genie mentions in the movie, Aladdin. Just sayin'. . .

Lassie... Handy baby... You need to stop rubbin' that magic "lamp" of yours and go into plastics. The Genie is a lower-level supernatural being, somewhere along the evolutionary line from the demented incontinent elf through the everyday Jesus to Voldemort, but our elven scientists have still not been able to determine the exact point that the genies represent on that continuum. The genies can only grant you three wishes (even if your first one is to get three new wishes) but my powers are limitless. The thingy is that while we can make an imitation of Love, it necessitates the modification of millions of neuronal connections and synapses and in many cases, lobotomizing the object of the unrequited love so that the person becomes something else.

What you need is not the later lukewarm flicks of the franchise but the real stuff, that is, classic Donald Duck and the robotic helper that can give you much more sincere love than the whole seraphim population of the Northern Hemisphere (the number of which is actually=0). Ho ho ho ho ho.

[MitzaLizalor]

I have been trying to grow some miniature fruit trees and flowering shrubs but at different times of year there are insects. I'd been spraying them at various stages (according to the instructions) but the sprayers always break. Weeds are also a problem, one patch in particular, which need a more permanent solution. Either a(n automated if heavy) commercial strength sprayer or a flamethrower would be very useful.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees), I do not deliver world peace but nor does Jesus, as we can deduce based on this year's debacles. Nor do I deliver abstractions, such as falling in love or revivals or love potions unless approved by FDA or your local equivalent. I do not deliver hovercrafts with eels, too messy and Rudolph might slip. Plastic toys are a sure hit and highly recommended.

Aw, I was going to ask for a romantic partner and a year's supply of love potion, plus some eels. I guess I'll take a plastic toy.

[Didymus Much]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

...I do not deliver world peace ...

Yeah, that's asking a bit much. So, how about just a 50' radius of peace around me? Think you could swing that?

[Dennis Lukes]

Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole

Aw, I was going to ask for a romantic partner and a year's supply of love potion, plus some eels. I guess I'll take a plastic toy.

Take it back Dr. Toole, it's a trick! Santa's next post will be informing you that a dildo is forthcoming, and I know you'd be absolutely horrified and appalled by that. A great big black dildo crammed into your chimney. There's no way you, of all people, would enjoy that!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor

I have been trying to grow some miniature fruit trees and flowering shrubs but at different times of year there are insects. I'd been spraying them at various stages (according to the instructions) but the sprayers always break. Weeds are also a problem, one patch in particular, which need a more permanent solution. Either a(n automated if heavy) commercial strength sprayer or a flamethrower would be very useful.

Mitza, Hoe to yo too! You may be surprised that despite my keeping residence in the Polar regions, I am well aware of the problems with pests and bugs, as I usually spend 11 months of the year in my Pacific Paradise. Based on my personal observations and my own anecdotal evidence and testimony - the best kind of prof for your lot - I can assure you that pesticides won't work. The insects will only become resistant, grow to be 9 feet tall etc. etc.
Instead, I'll deliver an insect hotel to you. I have seen them in many gardens and they seem to repel insects like nothing else. Never ever have I seen any bugs move into one and they soon learn to keep their distance.



Of course, the complimentary cheap brandy will accompany this gift wrapped in unremarkable brown paper, as always.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole

Aw, I was going to ask for a romantic partner and a year's supply of love potion, plus some eels. I guess I'll take a plastic toy.

Tony!!! Of course! Finally,someone appreciates the glorious substance of genuine plastic. Here's a toy in triplicate. You and your little friends can have hours of fun playing with this action figurine!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Didymus Much

Yeah, that's asking a bit much. So, how about just a 50' radius of peace around me? Think you could swing that?

Didy my pumpkin! Always so nice and only fleetingly naughty. OF COURSE I can deliver. You'll receive my collection of pea and bean soups and I can guarantee that you personal space will be respected by everyone until next gift delivery season!



Of course, you'll also need to do laundry more frequently.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes

Take it back Dr. Toole, it's a trick! Santa's next post will be informing you that a dildo is forthcoming, and I know you'd be absolutely horrified and appalled by that. A great big black dildo crammed into your chimney. There's no way you, of all people, would enjoy that!

Denny-boy! I KNOW that you are envious of Tony's magnificent collection of you-know-whats. I PROMISE you'll get your own this Christmas but you must start small.
This one is probably suitable for you. A nice house to renovate in Dildo, Canada and it DOES have a chimney so I can visit you anytime.

[MitzaLizalor]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

brandy

Thank you – I was trying to decide what to soak my pudding in this year: Rum? Port? Brandy? and the winner is brandy!

PS The insect hotel looks lovely.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor

Thank you – I was trying to decide what to soak my pudding in this year: Rum? Port? Brandy? and the winner is brandy!

PS The insect hotel looks lovely.

Mitzy gal, baby, the billabong I want to dive in! You know, I was never ever susceptible to ingratiation. That said, I Do get the message and you'll get the delivery. Five bottles it is then, two up from last year's package. I expect them to last until twelfth Night, though.



Please keep your stockings away from flammables. Ho.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Santa, enough about us! Let us buy pass on a gift to you made out of the holiday spirit of 12 year olds. Each mouthful is 1100 calories and you will end up with broken teeth unless observing extreme caution. The cookies aren't bad either - this batch is grated seaweed and raw pork fat.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole

Santa, enough about us! Let us buy pass on a gift to you made out of the holiday spirit of 12 year olds. Each mouthful is 1100 calories and you will end up with broken teeth unless observing extreme caution. The cookies aren't bad either - this batch is grated seaweed and raw pork fat.

Tony, or should I still call you Tiny-Tony or Just-moderately-tiny Tiny after your most recent surgical intervention! Never forget that my plastic models gave you the inspiration to enhance some of your more modest properties.

Anyways, gee, this is swell! Jolly wonderful! Utterly kind of you and Rudolph sends you his gratitude. As a token of his appreciation of this gift that he'll ruminate for a while, I'll deliver you this academic tableau of ruminant intestinal anatomy, in this case, a lamb. Please be nice and remember to share it with that young Welsh shepherd special friend of yours. If not absolutely necessary, you can cut the lower left portion of the tableau off when he borrows it for his advanced education.

[WWJDnow]

I would like a 24kt gold plated, life-sized statue of my Second Savior, President Donald J. Trump. Like all Trump products, it can be plastic underneath. If that's too tall an order, then could you resurrect Rush Limbaugh? We need him now more than ever.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by WWJDnow

I would like a 24kt gold plated, life-sized statue of my Second Savior, President Donald J. Trump. Like all Trump products, it can be plastic underneath. If that's too tall an order, then could you resurrect Rush Limbaugh? We need him now more than ever.

Ho! If it isn't little Willy Wankah Jamal Darling of yonderyear! Your nice vs. naughty balance is in nice working order but you might - just might - have gotten more valuable gifts last Christmas when I gave you my figurative heart but the very next day you had to make manic jokes about it. That said, I shall deliver. However, are you quite sure that a golden Trump in behalf of a calf is a wise move to own in your community? AND, furthermore and moreover, I can do BETTER.

Instead of an idol I can and shall give you a RELIC. These are genuine nail clippings of Donald Trumps toenails delivered by Trump Tower's Janitor Jesus Maria José's Abuela, who used to clean Trump's bathroom (and yours and everyone's and she never had a name unless 'Hey you' is one). Aren't they swell!?



And here's the complimentary jar of genuine plastic where you can store these objects of your veneration!



I am sure that this'll be your bestest Christmas ever! The jar is for nail clippings only, not for any liquid discharge. You got those in 2019. As for the expected exhumation - I still don't deliver people except of these tiny bits of discarded debris.

[MitzaLizalor]

I must say I'm rather envious of your lovely cruet set.