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Default Wash O'Hanley 2009: A Year in Review - 12-21-2009, 03:30 AM

Wash O'Hanley 2009: A Year in Review

This topic is over 20 pages of life-changing insight by Wash O'Hanley, Freehold's number 1 voice in political punditry. Why make this topic? Because sometimes listeners and readers cannot possibly glean and absorb every groundbreaking thing I say the first time. Take a moment or two to read over this topic as I cover important subjects such as alien popes, Sinead O'Connor collectible plates, Obama being a Nazi, and Gay Jew Homo-Nazi Abortions.

Wash O'Hanley is a member of the Landover Baptist Chruch and is Freehold's leading voice in political punditry and self-proclaimed "Master Debater". Best known for his afternoon radio show, Wash is also a popular author who has penned such classics as "How Minorities, Liberals and Homosexuals Want to Murder You and Rape Your Children", "Gay Jew Homo-Nazi Abortions" and "Gay Jew Homo-Nazi Abortions (For Kids!)" which have garnered much popularity and praise. Wash got his start covering the Falkland War from a Club Med where the sounds of mines exploding were close enough to "ruin Karaoke Night". Wash is the face of work ethic, once broadcasting a 96 consecutive hour show during the Lewinskigate. "Around hour 65 I was convinced my stagehand, Mark, was a ninja assassin sent by Cokie Roberts to murder me so I viciously attacked him in the men's bathroom with my mic, using the stand as a bludgeon and the cord to strangle him." While not the most knowledgeable on Christianity, Wash asserts that he is "familiar" with the Bible and believes "whatever a majority of my listenership believes". Popular segments on the Wash O'Hanley show include "Boycott Logic", "Liberal Watch 2007: A Blacklist", "Wash's Enemies List", "President For Life" and "Who Would Reagan Kill?". Wash has lived an illustrious life reporting on wars, writing books, having the most popular Right-Wing radio show in all of South-Eastern Iowa and even starring in a short lived Saturday morning debate show "Wash O'Hanley and the Bay City Rollers Debate Hour", so what does the future hold for Wash? Wash wants to spend time with his family, continue his radio show and is even working on another book.

Epic Wash O'Hanley Articles:

Wash O'Hanley Announces Long-Awaited Next Book
Chapter 17: Nancy Pelosi is a Robot and Her Vagina is a Garbage Disposal

Patriotic Conservative Call to Action: Help Bankrupt America

The GOP thanks you for your decision and promises that your sacrifices will not be forgotten when America is a smoldering, Chinese-speaking wasteland where lone scavengers hunt for cans of food in the cellars of burned out homes and roving gangs of cannibals roam the countryside capturing the scavengers.

Local Man Apologizes to Victims and Families of Ft. Hood Shooting
“I remember pulling into the McDonalds drive-through at 12:10pm and praying that they’d still be serving breakfast even though it was ten minutes after they typically stop selling it. Miraculously, through God’s divine intervention alone, the woman at the window accepted my order for a McGriddle and two hash browns.”

Wash O'Hanley wonders why ancient Middle-Eastern goat herders from the 1st Century are always tricking him:
Then there was also the time a group of Nomadic ancient Middle Eastern goat-herders posing as cheerleaders from the local high school fooled me into leaving them with the keys to my car for a "Fund-Raising Car Wash." While I was in the gas station convenience store buying some snacks they took of with my car!

Wash O'Hanley comforts Carrie Prejean
Like our grandfathers that were filmed standing up to the injustice of equal rights for black people and are now used for stock footage in Civil Rights documentaries-- you too are going to be laughed at repeatedly in 40-50 years. Some day gays are going to have the same rights as heterosexuals regardless of how hard people like you and I publicly embarass ourselves on national television crying about it. And when those gays have the same rights as us there are going to be documentaries made about their struggles (probably made by gay people) and footage of you on that stage at the Miss USA Pagaent is going to be shown and people are going to laugh at you just like they laugh at the people that protested James Meredith at his first day of school at Ole' Miss.

Wash O'Hanley on Carrie Prejean's sextape:

I highly suggest that every parent and grandparent park your young girls in front of the computer and show them this sex tape so they can see just how embarrassing it is when you masturbate on camera and give the tape to the wrong person.

Follow Wash O'Hanley on Twitter:

Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley View Post
Fast forward to today: a corrupt election in Iran has focused the entire world's eyes once again on the troubles of the middle east. Real journalists are thankfully not allowed anywhere near the action, where they would bungle the situation like two virgins having sex. "Does this go in here?" "No no no no, stop it OW OW OW STOP IT" "Sorry, I just... can you guide me in there?" "OW OW OW STOP IT" "Oh God... I'm so sorry."
Internet Rumors (AKA Facts) About the Health Care Bill
We all know that it was just Country Time powder that he scooped with his unwashed hands into the pitcher, mixed with hose water, and then stirred with a used dildo. WE ALL KNOW THAT. But you had a quarter in your pocket and you could have just thrown the lemonade in the gutter when he was finding change for a nickle in his shoebox.

MORE SHOCKING NEWS: This comes from some random guy's Facebook account that I just read. "Not only does Obama want to murder your grandparents: if your grandparents have already died he's going to use the shamanistic magic he learned in Kenya as a child to raise them from the dead so he can kill them again."

I heard from an inebriated but trustworthy man near the drug store that Obama is planning on aborting all pregnancies unless the baby is gay.

Wash O'Hanley on Ben Roethlisberger's rape allegations:

Dear Lord, please give Ben Roethlisberger a beautiful nubile to keep him company and provide him with love before he covers his balls in peanut butter and lets a dog lick it all off (making Michael Vick the second-worst dog owner in the NFL).


Wash O'Hanley demands a certain President show us his birth certificate:
I looked that woman in the eyes and I told her that I am pure American. Conceived on the Fourth of July and Born on Memorial Day. I'm so American when I was born I came out holding an American flag and the after birth was a glorious eagle that sprang forth from my mother's womb with a noble shriek that emboldened all the patrons that were eating in that Denny's.

Other Important Topics:

Wash O'Hanley on Obama's time-traveling abilities:

Not afraid yet? Well this is what it would look like if President Obama stopped time, broke into your home while everyone was stuck in suspended animation and felt up your wife:
Wash O'Hanley on Jesus' second coming:
This publication talks the talk but does it walk the walk? The Wash O'Hanley Show has been ready for Christ's return since the Janet Jackson Super Bowl nipple slip and have set up all the amenities that a celebrity Messiah would want to make his second coming in style, and all we're asking in return is for an exclusive interview.
I can't go into too great of details about what we're offering (we wouldn't want Limbaugh to one up us) but let's just say the guest goody bag includes a free bikini wax at Rita Hazan Salon in New York City, a T-Mobile Sidekick LX, a clear plastic wine bottle filled with chocolate-covered raisins and a bottle of Glen Beck's tears.

And to up the ante we've removed all of the nails from our station (even the load-bearing ones).
Wash O'Hanley on masturbation:
Masturbation (which should never be done) is a private thing that people do by themselves like cannibalism and watching Fox News. At what point does masturbating in front of a group of people turn into a handjob?
"The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit-- the only death panel I approve of."

Wash O'Hanley on prayer:
I'm afraid God might be busy picking the winners of the Hip-Hop Awards and the NBA Finals to find your car keys for you.
Wash O'Hanley on the John Birch Society:
I've had it out for the John Birch Society after they deemed me a "dangerous extremist, detrimental to the cause" after I "assaulted" Janet Reno.

The year was 1993, Mrs. Doubtfire was number one at the box office and I tried to pull off Janet Reno's wig to prove that she was actually a man. It was an honest mistake that could have happened to any of us. I was also using JBS funds to spearhead a campaign to funnel crack cocaine into inner city preschools.

The John Birch Society: All talk and no action. If you want a real Conservative group look no further than the Montana militia. Where else can you speculate which elected officials are transvestite homosexual Communist secret Muslims that conduct back-alley abortions in their Washington offices, stash illegal weapons-grade plutonium in an aircraft hanger covered in a camouflage canopy, have a group Bible study and then gangrape a 15 year old cheerleader over the hood of Big Ray-Ray the Pedophile's (Joe the Plumber's brother-in-law that he doesn't talk about) Chevy?
Wash O'Hanley on Wikipedia:
The Liberal bias of Wikipedia is undeniable. I read the entire Hurricane Katrina page and not once does it present the acceptance of homosexuality as a cause of that disaster.
Wash O'Hanley on the urbanization of the GOP:
Isn't talking like this "wicked" "stupid", you "crunk" "bitches"? I can't wait until the Republican party "gets" "all" "up" in the White House again so I can stop pretending to like black people and their "culture".
Wash O'Hanley on the Special Olympics:
I don't get why these retardos are so high and mighty about their Special Olympics. The O'Hanley's play to win and if those retardos had any shame they would quit this phony facade. You think some kid with down syndrome is gonna beat Michael Phelps' swimming records? Why embarrass yourself? Go back to playing stand-ins for actors playing retarded people in uplifting movies.
Wash O'Hanley on Tiananmen Square Guy:
The guy's been living in Freehold for a while and he's been blocking EVERYTHING for the last 15 years.
Wash O'Hanley mixes up The Bible and Die Hard (again):
Apparently you forgot about that part in the Bible where Jesus shoots that guy in the face but he survives (it just went through his cheeks or something) and the guy stabs him in the back and then Jesus kicks him out a window but the guy holds on to the side and begs Jesus to help him but Jesus steps on his fingers and the guy falls like 45 stories onto a parked limo and the limo driver (a spook) is like "awwww that's comin' outta my paycheck!"

...Maybe that was the end of Die Hard, I get the Bible and Die Hard mixed up a lot.
"Did you know that women don't even have penises?"

Wash O'Hanley on Obama's visit to Egypt:
In another move that proves that Obama is a secret Muslim born in Kenya that is going back to his home land where he was programmed as a Manchurian Candidate to give secrets to our enemies...
Wash O'Hanley on busting abortion doctor killer Scott Roeder out of jail:
Me and the rest of the gang are gonna bust this guy outta there!

....as soon as we finish inventing a kind of body armor that allows people to pass through solid objects. Until then I think his only chance at escaping will be The Shawshank Redemption way... and by that I mean he gives the guards a copy of the The Shawshank Redemption on DVD and tries to break out while they are distracted from watching it since it was like a 4 hour movie.
Wash O'Hanley on re-branding the GOP:
Obviously if the Republican party wants to become popular again they are going to have to name themselves after the most popular things in the world. After a brief Google statistics search I believe that, based on how often these words and phrases are searched, the most successful name would be The Chris Brown Lose 20 Pounds Fast Shamwow Socialism Asian Lesbian Midget Porn Party.
"What is it that causes such patriotic men like me to get such raging boners when we look at the American flag? Obviously that's God holding up my penis, there's no other explanation."

Wash O'Hanley on Chastity Bono's sex change:

If this story makes me physically ill I wonder how God feels. I mean it's his job to spend 24 hours a day, 365 days a year for infinity worrying about where we stick our penises and whether or not we are adding or subtracting them from our bodies, I just do it as a hobby.

I wish I had that job.
Wash O'Hanley makes a startling revelation about voter fraud:
Normally I'm all for voter fraud and intimidation when it's used to trick inner city blacks into thinking that Election Day has been moved to Wednesday, but when it's used to get a candidate into office that I don't like it doesn't feel that good...
Wash O'Hanley on getting into Heaven:
It's safer to just never do anything that brings you happiness if you want to get into Heaven.
Wash O'Hanley on boycott of Safeway grocery stores:
Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley View Post
I never liked grocery stores anyway. It's much healthier to get all of your foods straight from their natural sources: meat from local ranches, produce from local farms and natural high fructose corn syrup from the faces of greasy Long Island guidos.

Wash O'Hanley on the Holocaust:
I sincerely doubt there was any foul play in those concentration camps. How many Jews were rounded up in those things? How many people actually died? If we take into account that the average 7-day cruise ship has at least one death, I don't think it is far-fetched to believe that the 6 million Holocaust deaths were all a result of natural causes and blown out of proportion by the scare tactics and fear mongering of the Liberal Left.
Look, all I'm saying is that maybe those concentration camps weren't that bad. Every photo I've ever seen of Holocaust Jews showed a bunch of super-skinny people standing around digging holes and building things. In our shallow and image-conscious society with a struggling economy would this be such a bad thing? You lose 80 or 90 pounds in 3 months and fall to a healthy 75-pound-weight while learning practical architectural skills at the same time. The Holocaust was basically a rigorous weight-loss boot camp program and an ITT Tech education at the same time.

Auschwitz? More like Club Med.
Look, I can tell you feel strongly about this Eliot, but facts are facts and while I'm not calling your grandfather a liar I am willing to point out that what he has to say is in direct contradiction with everything Dr. David Duke has to say. Yes, that's correct: Doctor David Duke. As in Ph.D. He has devoted his entire life to unbiasedly looking at the Holocaust and he has determined that it was a sham. Would someone with the title Doctor lie or change facts to further his agenda? I think not. This is a man who got his Ph.D from the Interregional Academy of Personnel Management in the Ukraine-- one of the most respected and highly regarded institutions of anti-semetic higher learning. It's like the Texas A&M of Universities that deny the Holocaust in that it is dedicated to research to disprove the Holocaust, 75% of its graduates find careers in Holocaust denial immediately following graduation and the football team gets its ass kicked every year by Oklahoma.
Wash O'Hanley on the Mark Sanford scandal:
Could Governor Sanford have been eaten by the Mothman? The mythical creature of West Virginian lore, half-man, half-moth, who flies around the Appalachian region feeding on young teens necking in the back of their parents' cars? Could Governor Sanford BE the Mothman? Could the Jersey Devil have anything to do with this? All of these questions, and many more, tomorrow on the Wash O'Hanley Show, assuming he doesn't turn up in the next 24 hours, which would suck because now I'm in Columbia [South Carolina] and there is nothing else to do here.
Wash O'Hanley on Michael Jackson's death:
Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley View Post
I know some people will try to remember him as the DRUG-BLOATED PEDOPHILE that the news media and late night stand up comics tried to portray him as, but I will always remember him as a gentle soul, unfit for this world, that just wanted to entertain people. I know that some people are going to come forward on news shows and online blogs and say things like "MICHAEL JACKSON WAS A DRUG-BLOATED PEDOPHILE" which isn't fair. I spent time with Michael in a series of interviews in during the Black and White days and I never got the impression that HE WAS A DRUG-BLOATED PEDOPHILE.

Rest in peace, friend. I will always remember you fondly... except for that one disastrous interview we did in 2006 that I have tried to forget.

Joe Jackson looks like a Cleveland Browns fan wearing one of those grotesque rubber bulldog masks.

WHICH IS WHICH? The similarities are uncanny.
Wash O'Hanley on fast food:
I will not sit idly by as you badmouth fast food! Fast food is a free enterprise and the height of capitalism. If we, the consumer, don't support this stuff it isn't going to work. Do you want to explain to your Cuban overlords that Capitalism was a failed system in 10 years? At least when that inevitable happens I can proudly tell them how I rode that dying carcass to its final days.
Wash O'Hanley on the gift of Christianity:
Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley View Post
Let's say you give someone a really thoughtful gift for some occasion... like a wedding. Let's say that gift is a rubber mounted fish that sings when someone walks by its motion-censor. Let's say that the happy couple then discards your thoughtful gift and stops talking to you after the wedding because apparently a Big Mouth Billy Bass is a tacky gift, unfit even for a child's birthday.

That's what Christianity is to the world-- it's like getting a Big Mouth Billy Bass as a wedding gift. It might be a crappy gift-- a gift that insults you in your own home, costs too much, lowers the value of your house and makes your friends and family distrust you, but goddammit it's still a gift. Atheists, Jews, Hindus and all those other loser religions are full of people that have returned that gift. We've given you all a gift: the gift of Christ. You don't want it? Then I don't want anything to do with you.

Wash O'Hanley on the mysteries of God's ways:
God apparently gets a kick out of pain. I don't question it, but I don't celebrate it either. That's his "thing" and I respect it. As long as he does it in heaven where I can't see it I'm fine with it, just don't do it around my kids or anything.
Wash O'Hanley on Democratic hit-squad arresting Obama's enemies:
Typical of the Democrat Brazen SS Soldiers to go around linking people to crimes with barely any evidence from less-than-credible witnesses just for the sake of jailing Obama's political enemies. So these "DNR" guys got a complaint about a naked man in a certain camp site, they went to that campsite and found this naked man and just called it a day? Terrible police work. They should have at least requested a semen sample.

First they came for naked drunken jackasses in the forest...
...and I said something!

Wash O'Hanley on Bernie Madoff's life sentence:
Today is a bitter sweet day for me and the rest of the victims of Bernie Madoff. A bad man is finally behind bars for the rest of his life, but the wounds of the victims will never fully heal and many of us are financially ruined. I've never forgiven Bernie Madoff for the bad investment tips he gave me back in 1993. No, I didn't give money to his ponzi scheme. He told me to invest in Sinéad O'Connor collectible plates. He said they would only increase in value. What was I thinking? These things are garbage! Who would want buy this crap now? Why did I buy thirteen-thousand dollars worth of them? Nest egg my ass. I'm ruined!


Wash O'Hanley on weight loss:
If you think about it gaining weight is like losing weight only in reverse. I have a large pizza for breakfast every morning and over the last twenty years I have reverse-lost 150 lbs. These people don't know nothing.
Wash O'Hanley on Sarah Palin's quitting:
Sarah never struck me as a quitter during our time together during the 2008 Election when I interviewed her a number of times. She lived a varied life, dropping out of no less than three colleges, took guitar lessons for a few months, was enough of a coin collector to fill up a quarter of her coin collecting book and even reached yellow belt in karate during her grade school years. She even loved her children enough to raise and supervise them most of the time.

Sarah and her husband are not getting a divorce-- they are just taking their marriage in a new direction that involves neither of them living together, speaking with each other or getting along. After 21 years of marriage she and Todd mutually agreed that they had completed all that they wanted to in the marriage and it was time to move on. Don't consider this a break up, Sarah is just going on to do bigger and better things:

Wash O'Hanley on Christians finally socking it to the gays:
I'm glad Christians are finally taking it to homosexuals-- they've had a free ride for too long. Hopefully next Christians will take Jews and Atheists down a peg.
This is the kind of stuff I've been talking about. Normal STRAIGHT people don't want to put up with this minority and their deathstyle choice. Just because you do something doesn't mean I need to tolerate it-- especially when you're doing it where my kids can see it. Back when I lived in Des Moines we had a gay neighbor. Of course we didn't know this or else we would have petitioned the home owners association to kick him out of his home. Anyway, one night my son Butch, who was probably about 17 back then, was robbing this guy's house for meth money and he goes in the guy's bedroom to steal the TV and he sees this guy on the bed with another guy sexually "connected" to him from behind. What kind of example is that setting? What is that saying to the American people? That your kids can no longer break into someone else's home to steal their tv to fund their meth habit without seeing two guys having anal sex?
I did a little research of my own and discovered that if every person in the world turned into a homosexual today, the entire world's population would be gone in roughly 100 years. Really makes you think.
Just another anti-religion bill that has become a cornerstone of the Democratic Party. These "people" won't stop until Christians are left observing their religion in cellars and secret locations in the woods because it is illegal to congregate in public.

Physically attacking homosexuals is a very important part of our faith and making it a hate crime devalues religious faith.

How is this any different than being a Jew in Nazi Germany?
Wash O'Hanley on mating with foreigners:
I've never seen a European woman's nether regions but I've always assumed that copulating with one would be like trying to plug my electric shaver into a European power outlet.

That isn't gonna fit...
"The things you do are decidedly worse than bestiality."

Wash O'Hanley on stupid people that honestly believe that a 13 year old girl was able to get pregnant without having sex after swimming in a pool that a guy had just pleasured himself in:
What kind of stupid person would believe this idiotic story? It's completely obvious that this little tramp had sex with some Arab guy and then she lied about it to cover it up and save face with this ridiculous story. I repeat: What kind of stupid, buffoonish piece of animal feces would believe this brainless story about a girl getting pregnant without having sex? You would have to be some kind of imbecilic, simple-minded lobotomy patient to even consider a tale this outrageous as being true. The worst part is that now this harlot and her slobbering mongoloid of a mother are going to go around spreading this story as if it were true and people, mostly the kind that were poked by coat hangers in the head when they were fetuses in the womb and drink household cleaning products as if they were soft drinks will believe this ludicrous story to be true. I will repeat one last time, because this story has just made me so mad: if you believe that a woman can get pregnant by any means other than sex or artificial insemination you are a brain-dead, cretinous failed-abortion that should probably be taken in the back yard and have a bullet put in your head. You offer nothing to society if you believe that a woman can get pregnant without having sex and I want nothing to do with you.

Luckily I don't know any Christians that match the above description.
Wash O'Hanley on his almost supernatural ability to both impartially moderate and fiercely defend his side of the same debate:
I got the power to do so after a head-on collision with a big rig transporting Energizer batteries and unsellable VHS tapes of Xanadu back in 1985. I had been up all night driving from Barstow to LA to make an appearance at a radio convention when I fell asleep at the wheel and veered into oncoming traffic. When I came to there was a great tingling in my head and ever since then I have had the power to moderate and participate in the same debate.

Wash O'Hanley on women:
Women are soft, gentle, and beautiful and they need strong men to look out for them so that other men, bears, and vikings/Huns don't steal them.
Wash O'Hanley on African American distrust of police officers:
I don't understand why blacks are so distrusting of the police. The main reason police officers arrest black people that haven't committed a crime is because blacks are unpredictable and feral and the only way we can prevent them from doing something stupid like raping a woman or robbing a bank is by preemptively arresting them and keeping them in jail so they won't accidentally commit a crime. It's for their own good, to keep them safe.
"Well you had a soul, but you probably ate it, fatty."

Wash O'Hanley on Nancy Grace:
She has still never apologized to that poor woman or her log!
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? First Obama bails out the car companies, then he bails out the banks, then he tries to socialize health care, and now he wants to sensually kiss me on the chest while unzipping my pants to give me a handjob? I don't even let my wife touch my penis, Obama's gonna have to get me pretty drunk for this to fly."

Wash O'Hanley on Joe Wilson's ability to identify lies:

Wash O'Hanley on the victims of a cross-dressing tranny:
Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley View Post
All too often the Liberal media refuses to show the faces of those negatively affected by the actions of these Godless homosexuals, thankfully this article is accompanied by a picture of a beautiful young girl, obviously put into a state of shock and sexual confusion by the sight of this brutish homosexual and his decadent ways.

Looking at her gentle face and delicate body... I just want to console her in my arms right now. Give her strength Jesus, give all of our young girls the strength to not be permanently scarred by these homosexual vermin.
Wash O'Hanley on JesOS 7's amazing porn-blocking capabilities:
Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley View Post
The porn-blocking software on JesOS 7 is both stunning and a true testament to the work that god put in to making it.

It used to be that only gay men and perverted teens could look at pornography like this unaffected, but just look at how JesOS 7 turned this image of unspeakable iniquity into family-friendly viewing by automatically blocking out the naughty parts and putting a picture of Lawrence Welk over that hussy's face-- now everyone can enjoy it!
Wash O'Hanley on the Catholic Church trying to convert aliens to Catholicism:
Just imagine a world where all of the extra-terrestrials are Catholics. E.T.: The Altar Server, Marvin the weeping statue, and Pope Alien the First (the Vatican will also consider him to be the first black Pope as well).

See also: Wash O'Hanley 2007: A Year in Review

Last edited by Wash O'Hanley; 12-30-2009 at 06:28 PM.
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