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Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
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Posts: 6,639
Join Date: Jun 2007
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I am not "Jeb the bike-seat-sniffing pervert" -
04-03-2012, 07:49 PM
Ladies,
You may have overheard some of the women spreading certain rumors. I know as ladies you already know not to pay any attention to what the women say, but I also know that your frivilous lady minds have a tendency to turn irrelevant chatter into overblown drama, which is then often confused with reality.
It seems the woman have misinterpreted a routine security check - standard operating procedure - which I call, for lack of a better term, "the skank check". It involves using the olfactory sense to scout a recently-sat-upon seat for evidence of harlot-odor, popularilty known as "skank". I do not inhale deeply in a sensuous way, I use the wafting technique and exhale immediately when I come across damning (literally) evidence.
There are two reasons this is done:
1. God tells us to separate ourselves from sinners, including harlots. (Romans 16:17:,1st Corinthians 5:11, 2 Corinthians 6:14–17, 2 Thessalonians 3:6) Obviously I have to find out who is a harlot and simply asking usually does not work.
2. God punishes not only sinners, but also innocent people who live near them, and their innocent children, and great-great-grandchildren yet to be born (Exodus 20:5, Genesis 3:16). When God punishes a city or nation, whether Egypt, Canaan, Babylon, New Orleans, New York, of (keep praying) San Fransisco, there are many innocent people killed, like babies for example (Exodus 11:5, Hosea 13:16, 2 Chronicles 21:14-15, Deuteronomy 32:17-25, Nahum 3:10). Separating myself from sinners is not just the Christian thing to do, it's also a form of self-protection, and my responsibility as a parent.
3. I can't sit in a chair that has been sat upon my a menstrating woman (Leviticus 15:19-24) and it's not polite to ask if she is in her unclean time.
And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. - from Leviticus 15:19-30
So I don't want to overhear any more "there's Jeb the bike-seat-sniffer" garbage. I am working to keep us all free from sin, sinners, and God's wraith. Freedom isn't free™.
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Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 01-15-2013 at 04:02 PM.
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,554
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: I am not "Jeb the bike-seat-sniffing pervert" -
04-03-2012, 07:58 PM
Well,..thanks for the explanation Jeb. I will run it by the Pastors.
Was making Mrs Richards sit on the bike entirely necessary though Jeb?
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
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Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: I am not "Jeb the bike-seat-sniffing pervert" -
04-04-2012, 03:30 AM
Maybe we could put you to work sniffing out the Platinum Tithers seats every Sunday before Services.
....that might be just the perk we need to double prices for the Easter Services....
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Honorary True Christian™
Forum Member
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Posts: 13,993
Join Date: May 2008
Location: North Salem, Indiana
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Re: I am not "Jeb the bike-seat-sniffing pervert" -
04-04-2012, 06:17 AM
Jeb, I do have to wonder . . . I mean, chairs and pews I understand . . . but how often were you planning to use the locked bicycles of Landover's female (and male) parishioners?
Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
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Posts: 9,051
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Surrounded by queers.
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Re: I am not "Jeb the bike-seat-sniffing pervert" -
04-04-2012, 09:04 AM
Now you have me worried. My wife seems to be constantly in rag week and I make her sleep in the utility room but the thought that her Hellish Haemoglobulisationing may seep forth from her nethers on my fine leather furniture is a double wammy.
First the distress of knowing that skank can linger on fabric and second that I need to have my furniture fumigated regularly.
Not impressed.
YIC
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